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“I am 31 and have never had a boyfriend.”

Darling,

Welcome to the inaugural Ask Mama post!
There have been so many requests for a Q&A forum that I have decided to listen and give it up to you and your incredible, powerful questions. I will still hold forth and blog about issues that tug at my soul now and then, but I wanted to have a chance to really put my attention on YOU and see what I could do to raise your orbit, slather you with my love, and toss you some powerful Womanly Arts and Tools. I’m so grateful to everyone who’s written to me.

Our first question comes from Sister Goddess Aishlinn. She writes:

I am 31 and have never had a boyfriend. I am happy in my life but I do always feel that something is missing. I know I’m probably being held back by fear. I have tried a therapist, who is great, but I still haven’t managed to achieve what I ultimately want which is a relationship. I am successful in work and every other area of my life, and without meaning to sound big headed, I have been told I am attractive and like to think I have a fun personality. I would be grateful for your advice.

Dear Sister Goddess Aishlinn,

First of all, I want to thank you for this incredible, transparent, beautiful question. It is a question that not only you have, but you are asking on behalf of so many women. Women who are close to your age, and women who are both younger and older all encounter the same challenge, at one time or another. If you think about it, we have all received so much training in how to be effective in our work lives. We go to school for many years and learn the world of work, but no one really teaches us how to be great in relationships. If you want to be a plumber, you can go to plumbing school and get a license, or go to medical school to become a MD. But, where do you go to get training in how to create a great relationship with a partner?

That is actually why I wrote my first book, Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts.
I saw that the relationships that worked best were the ones in which women were happy. But most women have no idea what it is that makes them happy—either in their personal lives, or in their relationships. Why? We have received no training! All of our training has been in working hard and serving others.

So, where to begin?
This is the fun part.
You are about to begin the adventure of a lifetime. You are about to begin exploring the landscape of you—what pleasures you, what lights you up, what ignites you, what thrills you and what causes your soul to soar and your body to shudder in ecstasy. You are about to explore every nook and cranny of the Womanly Arts, Sister! (For the advanced student, check out the Womanly Arts Mastery Program)
Why?

Well, let me explain. Men live to serve women. They want to make women happy. And if a woman does not know what makes her happy, or worse, if she is so used to doing everything herself and does not learn to surrender to a man, then she is basically doing a full-on body block to the men in the world that would love to have a chance to be of service to her. Women become so damn accomplished at everything, we forget that we are women. We are so busy doing, that we forget to cultivate our ability to receive. And isn’t it way more fun to allow others to contribute to our happiness, rather than doing every damn thing ourselves? The Womanly Arts will teach you so much about what pleasures you, what lights you up, and what makes you happy. And the more you know about what you love, and what you want, the easier it is for you to ask for it. Imagine if you find out that you love bubble baths, pink champagne and listening to Beethoven sonatas. It is certainly fun to create that experience for yourself, right? But imagine this: your lover draws you a bubble bath at the perfect temperature, plays your favorite sonata on his iPod, lights some candles, and toasts you with some pink champagne, while reading you a love poem. Even better, right?

See, in order to be adored, we have to become adorable. And there is nothing more adorable than a woman who knows what she wants, who feels sexy and delicious and allows her man to gratify her. The combination of a woman who not only knows what pleasures her and asks for what she wants is simply intoxicating to a guy (and to a woman, by the way). Men run away from women who try to take care of them—and run towards women that allow them to serve.

All of this theory is fine and interesting, but perhaps you feel a bit frightened or inexperienced with guys. Guess what? Most guys feel exactly the same as you.
So, where I want you to begin is to simply get familiar with being around guys, talking to them, and getting used to asking them for what you want. This sounds like a simple thing, but once we take the pressure off the goal of finding a boyfriend, and simply look at building the skills of becoming more and more familiar with guys, you will relax more and more into the potential fun that exists for you in relationship.

The cards are so stacked in our favor, Sister Goddess Aishlinn, you just have to know which card to play in the man/woman game.
Now, what would bring you pleasure right now?
And how could a man contribute to your happiness—right now?
I want you to be really, really specific!!
Come on, sisters, let’s all help Sister Goddess Aishlinn out. What are some things that pleasure you?
And what are some of your favorite experiences that you enjoy receiving from your men—or women?
Let me know in the comments below.

And if you’ve got a girlfriend who could use a little reminder that she holds the key to creating great relationships, please share this post.

With so much love and pleasure,
Mama Gena

P.S. If you have more questions for me on the topic of raising your orbit and rocking your relationships, join me on Tuesday, October 9th, 8-9PM ET for my free, live teleclass, A Place Called Rapture.

photo: lizlinder.com

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40 Comments / Leave a Comment

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  • SG Sherrie Huckelberry October 11, 2012, 11:52 pm

    This is a highly emotional ? For me . All my adult live skills has been developed to accomadate others thur salon spa culture and healing arts skills -I can see now that I have lost my way in even knowing how to ask a man for what I want or even begin to know how to opening up to recieve with out going into care taker mode . No wonder I have lost my footing in every intimate relationship . So many have come for validation, healing, love, acceptance, and this position I took with commitment . Where do I begin ?

  • Amy October 11, 2012, 6:43 pm

    Ellissee, 71 sounds voluptuous and delicious!

  • little jo October 10, 2012, 7:08 am

    p.s.: how come my profile pic doesn’t appear? I’m sure I’ve filled a profile for I remember I’ve chosen a lovely cardinal (figuring me when Mama’s TedvFiDiWomen speech set me free to fly 😉 but I cannot find back how to log in (do we?) or get in there… Could anyone of my S.G. using a profile pic too tell how I’ve got to proceed? Thanks a lot in advance, the sisterhood is marchin’ in, I can feel it through the inspiring lecture of all your comments and replies under Mama’s wise posts I relish. Much LOVE & PLEASURE GALORE to all of you, my rebel sisters <3

  • little jo October 9, 2012, 6:48 pm

    With all the respect I owe you for having revealed my (inner) self to me and made my life by doing so, I must say it was about time to do it. I find your site not very interactive and it would be nice to have other S.G. as bloggers, a bit like in Betty Dodson’s site (bless her cotton socks), that is much more warm and welcoming, mind you… Now that this is said, much vibrant love wrapped in pink thoughts are all around you, straight from my heart <3

  • Ellissee October 6, 2012, 11:00 pm

    To the ‘younger’ gals out there who have either never had a boyfriend or not open to receive a new person because of past hurt….something to think about….I am 71, still attractive, out there, men pursue me….and I let my whole life go by because when I was 37 I broke up with the love of my life. He did come a year later to ask me to marry him and I broke the date – not knowing that is why he was coming. Due to misunderstanding and my own insecurities, I didn’t stand in my own power and let him know I wanted to be with him. He married someone else, had children, has spent his life looking back at me,too…yet he went on to have a LIFE. Instead of pining over him, comparing everyone to him (mostly subconsciously because I was sure I had moved on), I spent years not dating at all, then living with a not great relationship for 11 years, then another for 8, etc. Knowing we can’t do life over and that we must simply move forward positively into the future….I still won’t give my heart to anyone else. 71 probably seems old to most of you, when you get here, you’ll see, we are still young at heart and active. So I need to take my own advice and put myself ‘out there’ and experience that closeness we all desire. Open your hearts and allow the love in and to flow out – you don’t want to be 71 and realizing you would have probably could have had a wonderful relationship had you allowed it. Just a few comments. One more thing….I’ve had many men who I have been the love of their life…so that’s a positive thing….I’ve had relationships….and am at peace with that now. Whatever happens, if Mr. Right doesn’t appear….I am at peace, realizing life has worked in many positive ways. Took me a long while to reach this place. So does Mama Gena have advice for those of us….and there are many of us….older gals (who are still vibrant, young, sexually interested).

  • SG Lisa October 3, 2012, 3:13 pm

    I love my husband for so many reasons. My love language is “acts of service”. When he services me, my bathroom and the kithchen, girl… I’m in LOVE!! It fills me up when he helps me, because I am a goddess, and he lives to serve me. It makes taking care of him a pleasure and I desire all of him.

  • Amy October 2, 2012, 11:02 pm

    I hear ya Aishlinn. I’m in the same boat. I’m 42, spent way too much time on my career and never really dated. An amazing man who adores me is the one thing that has continued to elude me. Thank you for opening up this conversation!

  • Diane October 2, 2012, 10:32 pm

    Thank you Mama Gena for the invitation to write what turns us on from our men!! I don’t have A man right now but I will use My Man cuz I know he will show up soon! I love when my man buys groceries and picks up a little bouquet of flowers or a potted plant at the grocery store…just because. I love when my man tells me I am hot and desires sex with me right then and there. I love when my man calls me when he says he will. I love when my man carries heavy items for me without me asking. I love when my man reaches for my hand when we get out of the car and walk to wherever we are going. I love when my man wraps his arms around me when we lie on the couch. I love when my man says today is your day, you decide what we are doing. I love when my man makes me breakfast in the morning. Yes, men ARE awesome!

  • Aishlinn October 2, 2012, 6:02 pm

    Thank you so much mama Gena for taking the time to reply and for all of your comments. You are right, I am so used to doing everything for myself that I haven’t been able to surrender myself to a guy. I am a good flirt but i can do it while wearing body armour!

    You give good advice about getting used to socialising with men and asking for what I want. Ill work on that as well as stepping up doing things I enjoy.

    I look forward to the day when I can blog to you all about what my new guy does to pleasure ME!

    • Rose October 2, 2012, 6:17 pm

      So great to research and see what appeals to you. Pleasure researcher! Yay!

      • mama gena October 2, 2012, 9:51 pm

        thanks, aishlinn, for your fantastic question!!

  • Anon October 2, 2012, 4:46 pm

    “Men live to serve”

    Thats a terrible quote, and would drive many men away from you in disgust. If you’d look deeper from the “server” and “reciever” “relationship” system you’d realize its not about serving or recieving, its about making each other happy and DOING what makes each other happy

    • Anonymous October 2, 2012, 6:14 pm

      “Thats a terrible quote, and would drive many men away from you in disgust.”
      ^^This

      • SG Kate October 2, 2012, 10:03 pm

        No, they do. When we try and fix and take care of them, we shrink them in a sense. Make them feel less than. When we let them free and allow them to care for us and make us smile. They rise in our eyes and their own.

  • Andie October 2, 2012, 4:25 pm

    I’m really comfortable around guys (i.e., have multiple guy best friends who aren’t gay, flirt up a storm at weddings, let them hold open doors for me, etc.). But I want to meet “the guy,” not “guys.” I have dated around enough to know what I want and it seems disingenuous to feign romance (outside of innocent flirting) with guys who are definitely not it.

    I want to be adored by a man I adore in return. No less.

  • Jen October 2, 2012, 4:19 pm

    Love this Mama Gena!! I second the above post from Thinker – I am curious on your thoughts why women feel pressured by sex, and their ideal “date” is to not include it. Not the case here….I want some body rocking sex whenever we can! In our relationship, sex is a beautiful experience that we both approach with the desire to please the other as the ultimate goal! I absolutely LOVE the physical connection with him….it is the icing on the cake to the emotional, spiritual, etc. parts of our relationship. Knowing yourself and your needs while having open, honest (of course loving and respectful) communication is the key – whether you want better sex, more connection, romance or fun. It was really eye opening to read Mama’s post about men wanting to please women – and that they run away from those who try to take care of them. Self love first, ladies!! xo

    • Ruth October 3, 2012, 12:21 am

      I “third” the post from Thinker — and second yours, Jen! Though, for me, the physical/sexual connection is not just the icing on the cake, but the actual bedrock of a relationship.

  • erika October 2, 2012, 2:45 pm

    A love letter or just beautiful words of my lover, more lights in his eyes, more connection… I need to feel my love growing, not fading ;(

  • sandra T October 2, 2012, 2:09 pm

    A surprise weekend getaway up the California coast filled with : wine, lingerie, and end with a long-term commitment!

  • sandra T October 2, 2012, 2:04 pm

    A surprise weekend getaway with my beloved up the California coast tat includes wine tasting,

  • Krissy October 2, 2012, 12:59 pm

    I actually desire to be able to take care of my man more. He works extremely hard and has been traveling a lot and has a hectic schedule and I know he is stressed and exhausted. I would love it if he would open more about his day and stresses and let me help him relax and support him because he always does this for me. It would also make me the happiest birthday girl in the world if he would take time out of his schedule to come to my birthday party this month, especially because I will be rocking an extremely hot pink bandage dress. And there is also the Cartier tank watch I have had my eye on…

  • Amber October 2, 2012, 12:03 pm

    I find it incredibly inspiring to finally be aware of what a man is doing when he “does” something for me. I am able to recognize, and be grateful for, those times when a man offers to pay for something, help with something, “do” something for me, etc. I used to feel uncomfortable with those things, as if I wasn’t worth their effort, and I would decline their help. But, I only hurt both of us when I did that. Now, I can receive the attention and be grateful for it, knowing that they are doing it because they cherish me and want to make me happy. It is a heady feeling. 🙂 I LOVE MEN!

  • Ti October 2, 2012, 11:18 am

    I find it a turn-on when my sweetheart does anything just to make me happy. Getting Splenda from another table at a restaurant because he knows I’ll want it, showing up with coffee when I step out of the shower, taking a long walk when I want to, even if he’s tired from a huge workout, washing my car, and always pushing my pleasure edge by asking, “What do you want to do?” I regressed a little recently when I said I wasn’t getting a massage because I had bills to pay and then just laughing when he said he’d pay for it. I think I’ll book it and ask him to pay. It can only take us higher.

  • Thinker October 2, 2012, 11:14 am

    I find it intriguing why so many women dont want intimacy? Not sure I totally believe its about women have been “pressured” so much. M-Gena, I’d love to hear your feedback on what I believe to be true — men relish and desire intimacy (sex!) because it is their way of connecting with us. Its not about the adolescent belief that they want to “get off” — in the right relationship it’s very much about connecting and expressing love and receiving validation from their woman. She validates him by wanting to physically love him. Additionally, some women are not appreciating the beauty of their receiving intimacy from a man and the rewards (physical and emotional and spiritual in the right partnership). Understanding, appreciating and actively wanting to be part of the emotional and physical yearnings of your husband/partner is the expression of the relationship. I’d love to hear your thinking on this!

    • mama gena October 2, 2012, 9:49 pm

      hey thinker-
      please submit a q to the ask mama section of the website!!
      xo

    • sloopyonnaharlee October 3, 2012, 7:06 pm

      I totally feel ya, Thinker! but gotta pull yr coat to this: there really are way too many women out here who have been sexually abused- i.e forced to submit to someone else’s sexual demands- and most women grow up feeling that sex=intercourse=something to “endure” as means too an end, and that men’s sexual desires are more important, more powerful and “valid” than women’s desires are. ….many of us have to work long and hard to even consider that a man could actually respect our needs and treat us well, and even that we might actually DESERVE that respect and good treatment. So…such women cannot as yet perceive or appreciate what you describe that a man is actually offering, they really can’t, until they unlearn the self hate and pain of their past abuses.

  • monica October 2, 2012, 11:07 am

    Aishlinn,

    It is much easier for us to stick to what we do know, instead of venture off and do an unexpected thing or get out of our comfort zone and put ourselves out there to receive.
    I was used to being the giver and that is what I got, men who wanted to take, however when I learned how to receive and ask for what I wanted, my world opened up for me.
    I have to watch myself as from time to time, I will forget and go back to old ways.

    My pleasure is to spend time with each other and its not so important on what we do but that we connect and giggle together, sometimes it is accompanied by a meal he has made me and a bottle of wine and unexpected gifts (like) flowers on the table. Or just a day that he has planned out for me and that he does all the planning to let me know I am special and he has thought of me in all details.

    I love Mama Gena and have still so, much to learn.

  • Torps October 2, 2012, 9:54 am

    Just a nice firm massage, lovely music and some chatting.
    No pressure for sex, just good company. And some dancing
    will pleasure me greatly.

  • Kateria October 2, 2012, 9:45 am

    Hi I’m new to awakening the goddess in me that has been buried in a lifetime of hurt, regrets, and mistakes but I’m well on my way. What will bring me pleasure from my man would be taking a nice hot shower together no sex involved and then snuggling up while he reads to me. I love reading so the ours of him reading in such smooth sensual vice is very pleasurable to me.

  • Veronica October 2, 2012, 9:36 am

    I love chocolates and flowers and having a luxurious baths, I’d like my guy (when I have one) to bring me chocolates and take me dancing, outdoors! and our intention is just to have fun no pressure for sex, but a nice hot makeout session is oh so welcome lolzz <3<3<3 much love Sister Goddesses!!

  • Deirdre October 2, 2012, 9:22 am

    I would love to have a man tell me to dress up. He’s taking me to a surprise. It’s usually me who does this for my husband, but I’d love to have it done for me. And the surprise could be dinner, dancing, listening to jazz, anything I didn’t expect. I love finding new places to go. Wineries, parks, riverrafting, resorts. I love the outdoors!

  • SG lali/ Alia October 2, 2012, 9:08 am

    Ohhhh mama you are so genius 🙂 I love this post

    What would pleasure me:
    A 90 minute candlelit massage with soft music on a heated table by an angel with magic hands (focus on my shoulders, calves, upper back, and lower back)

    $100 for some new shoes (2 pairs of flats) and 2 new pairs of pants, a couple of dresses, a 2 pretty goddessly blouses

    A nice free fancy dinner at a Peruvian restaurant with ceviche, pisco sours, and a creamy pudding for dessert.

    I desire to receive these all from various men in my life: my dad, boyfriend, college friends, and clients!

  • Candice October 2, 2012, 8:34 am

    I am in the same situation. I am 34 and never had a boyfriend in part due to a high school crush that went wrong. I spent nearly 20 years pining for this one person. Finally I realized that he wasn’t worthy of all the energy I put into him. In fact because of all this I became afraid of relationships. For fear of having to go through a break up again. I have had male friends and have been referred to as quite pretty and very funny. Even through all this I have cultivated quite a garden of delights. I am comfortable in my own company, a boyfriend would be nice but I don’t NEED one. In my opinion a woman who always needs to have a man is far worse off than those of us who never had one. I like to think that it isn’t that we have never had a boyfriend, but rather we have had time for advance classes in our own pleasure so that when that guy comes around we will know EXACTLY what we desire.

    • Juli October 2, 2012, 9:40 am

      Rock on, SG Candice! I totally empathize and agree with you. I lost many years on a high school crush as well. I actually went to a college in the same area where he was attending college because I really felt we were meant to be together, and I had a female friend from high school who was convinced of the same (because, you truly know what you’re doing at 17), so I didn’t think I was doing anything self-defeating at the time. I did date other men what I could, but because I was in the same area as my crush, I ran into him on-and-off for the next four-ish years, and it took me another year or so to accept he wasn’t coming for me. I dated a string of losers for the next few years, and in 2010 a three year friendship became (somewhat) romantic, but that was on-and-off until early this year. In hindsight, I now see how amazing I am and how worthy I am of a stellar relationship. It took all these failures to realize this. I will continue to value my alone time until my beloved shows up.

      • mama gena October 2, 2012, 9:46 pm

        i am so deeply standing for you, juli and candice, to have amazing relationships with amazing men!!

  • Robin October 2, 2012, 8:31 am

    A long, slow, deep massage…with no pressure for sex, just a great massage that makes me feel totally relaxed. Love that!

  • mama gena October 2, 2012, 7:56 am

    you are kicking it with the man-training, megan!!

  • Megan October 2, 2012, 7:54 am

    A slow, vegetarian dinner in a restaurant with dim lighting gives me pleasure.
    A clean house with open windows and candles lit gives me pleasure.
    An evening with my SG’s in conversation over wine gives me so much pleasure.

    I love it when I come home from work and my man has done the dishes and made the bed –he knows it too! I gratefully acknowledge him and say thank you.

    I love it when my man plans a date night at a healthy, veg-friendly restaurant for us –especially in the midst of our busy schedules and his preference for burgers.

    And I love it when my man makes a surprise visit at my friend’s party even though he’s on his way somewhere else and we had separate plans for the evening. I’m delighted and he charms the pants off of everyone.