Get free tips on life, love and sisterhood

Get free tips on life, love
and sisterhood

Join the Movement

The cost of being “right” all the time.

 

There is a part of me that always wants to be in control, and to know I am “right”. 
Oh I just love that feeling. 

Maybe love is not the right word. It’s more like validated. By my own little inner taskmistress. I give myself a gold star of rightness that is as satisfying as crossing the final item off a to-do list, or completing a circuit training at the gym. I am right, I am right, I am right. Oh yes. I am right.

But . . . is my living, breathing, tender, wild, soft animal divine soul alive, engaged and being fed? 
Am I turned on and connected to my divinity? 
Have I expanded? Or have I shrunk-wrapped myself?

Last semester, my freshman daughter announced to me that she was not going to live in the dorm for her sophomore year. She met a girl who was renting a house and looking for 5 other girls to join her. 

I pushed back immediately. “No way! All college kids live in dorms. You love living in the dorm! You love having friends, hanging out and doing homework with people. How will you eat? Do you want to cook 3 meals a day? Are you crazy? It’s going to cost a fortune to buy furniture! This is not happening.”

I was so right, right?
so knew better of what was right for her, because I am the mother and the mother knows

But then, I felt it through my body.
And I did not like that way I felt.

Being ‘right’ is a head trip, not a heart trip. Being right cuts me off from my feelings, which is where my feminine lives, breathes, informs, inspires, and creates.  

My connection to my daughter was shut down and I was the one who shut it down. 
And then, I remembered: Agreement is control. 

Whenever me, or you, or any of us are in agreement with what is going on, we are in control of the situation. 

And right now, I was not in agreement. I basically shut down my ability to relate to my daughter, or learn more about her perspective, and I certainly shut down her ability to care about or listen to my point of view.

And I have been in her spot. No one has ever gotten me to do anything when they shut me down and emphatically disagreed with me. Why would I expect Maggie to be any different?

True control is not about clutching tightly to my own opinion or perspective about what is right or wrong. True control is about making room, on the inside – not just for my point of view (no matter how brilliant it seems) but also the potential and possibility that the other person has an extraordinary and brilliant point of view and perspective, as well. And that in this world, and on this earth, each of us divine-reflections-of-the-holy, can co-exist simultaneously. 

My ego gets very threatened by the holy. It wants to be the one and only queen of the tiny square inch of earth it inhabits. And the thought that there might be something even bigger and more glorious than mere me, is not something I find myself able to consistently remember – especially when being someone’s mom, or someone’s boss, or someone’s coworker, or someone’s partner. 

Life can easily make me forget that I am more than human. And that by choosing to be in agreement, I am choosing to disconnect from my masculine and plug into my feminine superpowers.

So, I went back to Maggie and we talked more. I told her to go for it. That I would help her and support her as she made all the arrangements.
I felt a big sigh of relief.
Why? Because I was no longer trying to force my daughter to see life through my lens.  
I was willing to see through hers.

There are always two ways to win and one way to lose in any situation.
How do you lose?
Disagree with the current and direction of what is happening.
How do you win?
You can either find a way to get the other person to agree with your perspective, or you can find a way to get into agreement with their perspective.
I chose option #2.

There is no one way to be a sophomore in college. And what I want is for my daughter to have her adventure, not mine. I want to support her in her growth. I want her to gain confidence in her choices. 

As women, we hit a dozen opportunities a day to choose whether we power up our ego, or power up our feminine. We think getting the outcome we want is the goal. And it is. But using our feminine brilliance to find a way to connect with both our feelings, and with the other person, is brand new territory.  

Surrendering our ‘rightness’ for ‘agreement’ provides an experience of connection that will take everyone higher, rather than creating division.  

At the end of August, I helped Maggie move into her house with 5 roommates. The girls are lovely. The house is near campus. One girl has a dog. They come from all over the country. This year, they are not just going to have to deal with classes and homework, but they are going to learn how to manage landlords and plumbers (both toilets broke as we were moving in!) and shopping and cooking and laundry and housekeeping. All great skills to have in life. My daughter will learn more, in this house, than she ever could have if she did it ‘my’ way.

And all I had to do was give up being right.

In the comments below, I’d love to hear from you: 

•  Where in your life do you love to be right? How does it feel? 
•  Where do you find yourself fighting for control?
•  How could you get into agreement with something that is bugging you big time, right now?

I can’t wait to hear about your experience on this topic, and continue the conversation

xo,

Regena Thomashauer, aka “Mama Gena”
Founder of The School of Womanly Arts

Want more of Mama in your inbox?
Subscribe to our newsletter to get free updates.
41 Comments / Leave a Comment

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Emilia September 11, 2017, 6:41 pm

    Thank you Mama Gena for this,
    I love how you handled your Ego with your daughter and stepped back into your Divine Self. I often fear imposing on others because that’s what I felt my family did to me a lot, in subtle or not so subtle way. I wish there would have been someone inspiring my dad to step in his divinity at the time.. Everything was a no and then a ferocious battle until one or the other won, and the other lost. The result was always a massacre, and I feel my soul got tainted into believing that I am not entitled to have it easy, ever, even when it makes so much sense. Due to this I stopped trusting my own intuition until recently. I was too busy living in opposition to or trying to please to avoid further massacres. At the age of 32 I feel like a baby starting to be pro-active about my life, rather than re-active to external circumstances. It’s a learning curve, and I am putting all my Divine energy into enabling a smooth pleasurable transition into a wonderful Queendom 🙂 Thanks for inspiring us all, your work is invaluable! Lots of love to all the Goddesses

  • Patricia September 10, 2017, 4:26 pm

    It depends on what lens I am looking through and what areas that are getting reworked in me.
    I loved to be validated for my point of view especially when I am emotionally connected to the issue.
    I can bow to the view of another and generally do this with an amiable attitude. Getting my way is not paramount but making sure I am valuing myself and truth in me making that decision is important.
    I am learning and reworking co-dependent responses in relationships. Definitely uncomfortable to myself and those used to me giving in to always accepting and pleasing the other person.
    It is a fine line on dealing with issues and what the best path is.
    Wisdom waits to find it’s perfect path and inward peace directs each step.
    Looking within to find the balance and the way to peace is a journey that is new each day.
    Smiles

  • Patricia September 10, 2017, 4:21 pm

    It depends on what lens I am looking through and what areas that are getting reworked in me.
    I loved to be validated for my point of view especially when I am emotionally connected to the issue.
    I can bow to the view of another and generally do this with an amiable attitude. Getting my way is not paramount but making sure I am valuing myself and truth in me making that decision is important.
    I am learning and reworking co-dependent responses in relationships. Definitely uncomfortable to myself and those used to me giving in to always accepting and pleasing the other person.
    It is a fine line on dealing with issues and what the best path is.
    Wisdom waits to find it’s perfect path and inward peace directs each step.
    Looking within to find the balance and the way to peace is a journey that is new each day.
    Smiles

  • Kat September 9, 2017, 8:42 am

    And when you’re recovering from a parent who, you recognize has done everything to be the smartest person in the room (and all you described) and has pretzelled your Self into a shrink-wrapped version of yourself… And gives every indication that this parent is terrified of your genuine “greatness” And you learn over and over that on objective facts that you yourself _are_ typically the one who is correct? What then? Demonstrating technical correctness & truth does nothing to make this better, and this parent remains in Fear of all of me that is outside their comfort zone. What does Agreement look like? Asserting myself is Essential for not being squished again. I now keep my distance, because their energetic hooks are still in me no matter what, and I mourn that they don’t actually know _me_ or are proud the way a parent should be.

  • Stephanie Marrone September 8, 2017, 9:04 pm

    So much I want to say and share…..I’m in awe of you….as always. Thank you for reminding me to get into agreement with what is, and to remember that Earth is our school play ground, and, to power up my feminine. I love you. xoxoxoxo

  • Tammi September 8, 2017, 4:01 pm

    Oh I love the way you grounded this in a relatable experience. “There’s no right way to be a college sophomore.”
    Thanks for the lesson!

  • Jill Dalier September 8, 2017, 7:55 am

    Wonderful! I’m SO glad I took the time to read your blog this morning as it put my thinking in a different, more positive mode! I can relate to wanting to be right and how it can feel so validating sometimes BUT the real nugget was the part about it being a “head trip not a heart trip”! I LOVE that analogy and it is so accurate for me! Thank you for sharing this with everyone…I’ll begin my day with a different perspective now! : )

  • Pam September 6, 2017, 11:56 pm

    I could totally relate with Mama Gena’s experience, my daughter made a similar decision right after graduation when I thought we were going have some bonding time back. I too eventually released “my needs” to allow her to freely have her experience and our relationship has evolved to another level of love and respect. My need to control equates to “acceptance” , if you agree with me than I am right and brilliant and saved the world again. How exhausting and empty. Half the time I forget the reason I am fighting, it becomes a quest to validate myself. I want to reach a space where it really is okay to agree to disagree.

  • Khadiya September 6, 2017, 11:00 pm

    So, even in writing this I had to resist the urge to look at other’s posts to make sure that what I have to say fits the “criteria.” Whatever the hell that even means.

    Anyway, lately I’ve reflected on a period of time in my life where I gave myself permission to see myself as God(dess) sees me and to release my judgements of others and to give them space to be who they are. It was such a great period of time in my life. I just remember being so engaged in the present moments. I had let go of expectations and just ebbed and flowed with people. I was so fully in my body and enjoying people as they were without the requirement of them meeting my standards. I was constantly falling in love with people not their the potential of who they could be. It was exhilirating. I learned from that time in my life that my limited perception of what is appropriate and right had been keeping me from some truly beautiful experiences.

  • Connie September 6, 2017, 7:08 pm

    As I take time to think, albeit, not really good at the taking time, I can see my need to be right has cost me more than I want to pay for it.
    I like the idea of agreement. In agreement, another has to be heard. When I think about that, who doesn’t want to be heard so, agreement seems to be a way to include and be open to another possibility to the future.

  • Lori September 6, 2017, 6:25 pm

    Tell me , how do I get into agreement with a gal I used to be tight spiritual friends with, who became a “Birther” and is now a “Trumper?” I’ve avoided conversation since before November election but she’s asking why I’m always to busy to call. I could avoid all politics but if asked how I’m feeling about a wide variety of social topics I choose not to be silent or lie. Interested in how others deal with this issue.

    • Kat September 9, 2017, 8:47 am

      I’m looking forward to an answer on this one myself… I suspect “tell the truth” is in there, and “be honest about your feelings”. One thing friends who lean to the right are now talking about is how rage-filled people on the left are…. So the message of the pain of those of us who thing 45 is a dangerous buffoon is Not getting through.

  • Rosemary Breehl September 6, 2017, 5:55 pm

    I loved the article on being right. It certainly hit home for me. The story you told was one I lived through with my daughter when she was in college. I too thought she should experience college according to my experiences. I did exactly what you did and knew she learned so much more living with others when I had a phone conversation with her one day. I was driving and was on my cell phone with her when she blurted out this sentence: “Mom, did you know you can sometimes buy Mac and Cheese for 3 boxes for a dollar?” I almost wrecked the car! I was shocked she could even find the grocery store. I knew I had done the right thing. I learned being right sometimes means that you give up pieces of a relationship that later you wish you could have held on to. Lesson learned. Sometimes as mothers, we have to let our children do what they want and let them deal with the consequences of their own decisions. That’s how they learn.

  • kim September 6, 2017, 5:44 pm

    Hi there….I can really relate right now, as 2 of my daughters are both about to move out….at the same time….Yikes!!! and in ways that I would not have chosen for them perhaps. But, one thing I have realized, after homelearning (something else they showed me) with my kids, is that every time I let go, they teach me something….Soooo I am holding my breath, letting go, and jumping into the deep end, giving them as much support as I can for their respective journeys. This opens up a whole new can of worms for me as well, as it is time to figure out and embrace my journey, and so I have found you, and your wonderful information 🙂

  • Ditte September 6, 2017, 3:15 pm

    This is so perfect and timely for me as well. I’m in Scotland dropping my daughter off at University. It feels so random. Why am I leaving my daughter in Scotland? Trying to talk her into studying in Denmark, my home country. She just spend 2 years in Denmark and lived it. Why can’t she just stay there? Or come back to the states? We have been here 4 days trying to find housing, matriculate etc. Scotland feels random. It was a last minute decision to apply to this university and nothing was really going right. I fought her every step of the way. It wasn’t until I let go and came into agreement with her that every thing feel into place. The day we came into agreement, my daughter, Sofié heard from the University that she was giving advanced placement as a 2nd Year student, would graduate with a MLitt in 3 years and was awarded a sizable scholarship. We were all surprised. It felt like we were in the flow. Since we landed in Scotland (2 days later)… everything has been easy. She got the exact housing she wanted, found out that a girl from her IB program was here for University as well. She keeps meeting new friends and really hit it off with the head of her school.
    It feels as if the universe arranged itself to support as soon as I let go of the controls. Another way to look at it would be, that the path to success becomes visible when you let go of control. Control feels narrow and as if I have my foot in the break. I want to keep this experience in mind and notice how it feel to Let go of the break-pedal. To allow rather than block….a much more pleasant universe to live in. Thank you for the reminder. ❤️

    • janet balboa September 7, 2017, 11:34 am

      what a lovely experience…I spent time in Scotland, love it, but love more that you really saw a highroad rise up before you when you trusted. I wish your daughter the very best. thanks for sharing your story.

  • That crazy vegan lady September 6, 2017, 2:45 pm

    September 6, 2017

    I enjoyed reading your essay, Mama Gena, and while I (quite intentionally and deliberately) chose to *not* have children so I could sidestep the very issue of imposing my will on my child(ren). My parents, my teachers, my religious community leaders, my “elders” certainly imposed their will on me as a young person, teaching me not only to *do* something, but to do it “the right way.”

    Often, “the right way” involved doing something safely– don’t grab a knife by its blade, for example– or involved saving time in the task– don’t put the bedspread the bed on first, and then try to put on the fitted sheet, or had become a ritual of tradition– such as cover the tray that holds the candlesticks to prevent wax from dripping onto the very tray that was protecting the table from wax droplets.

    The decisions on how to do things seemed innocuous and helpful– until I began, at whatever young age, maybe 8 or 10– to have my own ideas, creative or inspired ones, that i wanted to try. Some– okay, many– were epic fails, costing extra time, resources, energy, money and sometimes manpower to redo them “right.”

    Often, when one of my parents would “show & tell” me how to do something– how to use an iron; how to ride a bicycle; how to write neatly and clearly in cursive; how to load the dishwasher; how to drive the car; and so on– there was never a time in which I was asked for my opinion or questions. My opining or asking (annoying or irritating) questions took up time when other (younger) children or tasks or commitments were clamoring for attention. When I questioned something, other than just repeating what I’d learned for clarity or in response to, “ok, so how do you do it?” I received words dripping in sarcasm or irritation, and I felt belittled and ashamed and stupid.

    Practicing things or taking care of tasks like homework under my mom’s watchful eye and careful scrutiny became exercises in perfection. My mom was (likely) brought up the same way: with flaws pointed out, and expected to do things “right,” according to not only societal custom, but also family tradition.

    While homework at the kitchen table during elementary school, my mom often snatched out the very paper I’d written something on, crumpling it up or even tearing it up, and forced me to do it again and again. Mistakes in math or misspellings were “wrong.” (How do you make a misspelling “right”? It’s just wrong. There is no defending a misspelled word when it’s right there in the dictionary. And 2 + 2 will never be 5, or even 22.)

    In a black and white, wrong and right world, the freshest, untainted, most creative minds become squashed into conformity and we acquiesce and accept this training and conditioning– obvious or subliminal– to avoid feelings of embarrassment and shame and to feed our hunger to be accepted in our family, in our classroom and in our community and to receive praise and recognition by being able to do things well at a young age, whether it’s reading, dancing, playing an instrument or a game, performing, reciting, or being tested, without making mistakes (or doing it “better than someone else,” a fellow student or, say, an athletic competitor.

    And so we grow up in a culture in which our parents (guardians), teachers and religious leaders are “right,” and in the win-lose situation created by the right-wrong mentality, creativity gets squelched, feelings get hurt, and self-esteem gets damaged. If we’re influenced by perfectionists, we become perfectionists ourselves, and pass that on to the next generation without realizing the harm and damage we’re doing and how we’re perpetuating suffering, anxiety, fear, depression by doing so.

    And then there’s the “moral right,” the majority in society who create, mold, develop, determine, affirm and abide by the “right” way to not only *do* things, but dictate “acceptable behavior” in society– a society that begins in our immediate family when we’re born, then expands to include the religious and school communities in which we have no choice, no say, no control.

    And I am struck by the difference in “being right” and by “doing right.”

    Sometimes we see a perspective of a greater “right”– an ethical way of being– an opportunity to behave, act or do things in accordance with our innate empathy, kindness and compassion in a way that does not harm or exploit others.

    Surrendering this natural way of being and feeling, however, by listening to others’ opinions and justifications and excuses, and by turning a blind eye or not speaking up and by allowing evil or injustice or marginalization or exploitation or murder to occur and proliferate, does not serve anyone but the exploiters, the capitalizers, the powermongers.

    And so I am an activist, and speak out for the rights of the oppressed, the downtrodden, the abused, the exploited, the voiceless– the environment, the animals, the humans, the women, the children, the sex slaves, the victims of the powerful and wealthy.

    I do not apologize for my ethical convictions and beliefs and my commitment to those inalienable “rights” of “life, liberty and pursuit of happiness” and will continue to defend them on behalf of suffering, no matter how irritating or insufferable or costly it becomes to those in power.

    #govegan
    #dotherightthing

    • Kim September 6, 2017, 2:56 pm

      I could totally relate! My daughter chose a gap year and independently traveled to Northern California, Peru, Costa Rico, Montana, Idaho, North Dakota and Wyoming. My motherly instinct wanted to forbid this! I realized that this is her journey, not mine. Hard lesson on letting go!

    • Kat September 9, 2017, 8:53 am

      OMG.

      I SO feel you.

      How to break the cycle. And more than, is it possible to stay in relationship with those who will never “get” this and exhaust you with their imposing view for the rest of their lives?

  • Dana September 6, 2017, 2:24 pm

    This could not be more timely, as I am in the process of ending a business relationship and continue to focus on being right (because I am :-)) and getting nowhere but in circles. I cannot imagine a different way, but am meeting today with the intention to find a way to get into agreement with their perspective. Thank you so much!!!!

  • Laurie September 6, 2017, 2:07 pm

    Thank you for the timely reminder, Regena…Love to you <3

  • Karen Fitzgerald September 6, 2017, 2:05 pm

    Oh Regena, you are so spot on! First of all, congrats on finding agreement with Maggie…genius of you. And this is a big deal in my life, wanting to be right vs. agreement. Currently, it is playing out with this very unique, but juicy love affair I am having with a much younger guy. He’s been a gem for months, but our communication styles are very different, and I bump up against it all the time, and have to catch myself as I first leap into my masculine. I am practicing the feminine, but boy is it a hard one. But we’ve been in this interesting dance for almost a year, so something is going right:).

  • SB Jules September 6, 2017, 1:59 pm

    This is awesome, thank you for your letter :). My feelings these days are : I’m damn “right” happy to have been “wrong”. And this has turned up over and over this past year or so. .. even up to my graying roots, lol, …I decided not to dye my hair this summer, well… to my surprise, my dark blond, turns a lighter blond in the sun … gray, what gray ?.. in fact, the color is much better ! Being “wrong”, in some ways, has been very comforting for me and I’m grateful for the benefits of it :). XO

  • Kim September 6, 2017, 1:49 pm

    HELLOOOOOO! Are you in my brain, Mama Gena? I just had this exact same exchange with my daughter, who is now a sophomore in college. She wanted to move off campus after her freshman year and my brain said NO, but my reasonable husband opened the door and we told her she had to set it all up from start to finish. She and her friends found a beautiful little house and now have a little goddess club where she feels supported and is stepping into her big girl pants. It was so hard for me to watch her, knowing that she is setting up house away from me. But, alas, she is so happy. She is spreading her wings and living in the divine feminine/tree nymph that she truly is (yes, she is an environmental studies major, in case you are wondering) surrounded by delighful girlfriends who support her. What more could a mom want? It was so hard to let go, but there are lessons in it for me and for her.

  • Kate Berlin September 6, 2017, 1:30 pm

    Thank you so much for this brilliant piece. How do you get unstuck in the battle of rightness? By simply? surrendering? I just recently, devastatingly ended my relationship with my fiance, because we we’re constantly going through the cycle of who was right and who was wrong. Towards the end I felt like it was always me who needed to gave up the need for right to benefit our relationship, but ultimately it just felt like never getting the space to be held in my weakness.

  • Sophia September 6, 2017, 1:12 pm

    Thank you for sharing Mama Gena! As reading this, I remembered today whilst listening to my daughters first day at school when she didn’t feel great about not having time to finish her writing in class, with the intention of soothing her I said ‘it’s only the first day back at school see how you go over the next few days’ I now realised I wasn’t in agreement of how she felt and dissmissed her feelings, made myself right when actually she probably didn’t want to hear that, and actually just wanted to feel heard.

    Thank you for bringing this into my awareness!

  • Therese September 6, 2017, 12:40 pm

    This is the 3rd attempt at writing a response to this timely topic.
    I learned about being right from the “authorities” in my life, namely church, teachers, and parents. Relationship seemed secondary. Of course I learned how to do it and have had it as part of my life. I realize that being in relationship is what matters and that being right is irrelevant to what matters. I cannot solve other people’s problems but I can sure be present with them as they work through them. This is an art form which I am developing in my life.

  • Bob September 6, 2017, 12:26 pm

    Thank you, Mama!! You are so right (ha ha!!). I sometimes argue with my wife about things (we both must be right!!), and sometimes it is over the silliest of things–the hurt and bad feelings that result are far more significant than always being right!!

  • Lisa Sokolov September 6, 2017, 12:09 pm

    So grateful for you Mama. So grateful for your connecting to us this summer. Being there. Reminding us. Sharing the light. Refreshment. Thank you. Letting go with every breath.

  • Trina September 6, 2017, 11:58 am

    Wow! Thank you for this. I’ve always wanted to be right and wanted everyone to listen to me and do it my way. I realize that if I just stop and listen, we can all win.

  • Nancy September 6, 2017, 11:49 am

    Love this, thank you….finding agreement vs. rightness. This statement awakened me at a visceral level about feelings. ” Being right cuts me off from my feelings, which is where my feminine lives, breathes, informs, inspires, and creates.” I just connected that “feelings” is where my feminine lives….hmmmm, a new or different resonance with this today.

  • Cee September 6, 2017, 11:41 am

    Wow! This was so timely. Letting go of being “right” and truly listening to others is extremely difficult for me. Thanks for reminding me to be active and conscious in this area of my life.

  • Ash September 6, 2017, 11:40 am

    1. i love to be right when i talk to my ex because i feel like our breakup was a whole long apology from him and he’s younger so i just assume he is wrong. Im also a Leo so I feel like Im right all the time anyway. And yes, I realize this is Ego talking.
    2. I find myself fighting for control with my boss who i feel like doesn’t communicate well.
    3. I could get into agreement with something that is bugging me big time by surrending, listening, asking questions to find answers.

  • Mary September 6, 2017, 11:29 am

    Thank you for this timely reminder to stay feminine. I needed it big time. Thank you for all you do.

  • Joanne September 6, 2017, 11:08 am

    I loved your blog, because I also needed to be right from time to time instead of being in agreement. I have learned the hard way that being right is more often wrong. I have stopped trying to be right, and have learned to listen. I also offer advice but often it is disregarded. However, the person I advised seems to follow it, seeming to forget where the ideas came from, and I get no credit. That too is okay–now! At one time it peeved me, but I just smile and agree with their wonderful ideas. “I told you so” is another version of being right and nobody likes to hear those words, do they?

  • Tiffany September 6, 2017, 11:05 am

    I love being right at my bar job. (I’m an actress in NYC). I think since it’s my main source of income, and I hold insecurities about my appearance to society (as if it’s below me), that I should at least be perfect at it.
    It drains me.
    No wonder.

    But when I allow it to just be a job, and agree that it IS and all is well.. and I am doing just that.. MY JOB, the expectation and anxiety drops collectively.

    The biggest thing I’m in disagreement with would be the ‘struggle’ of the artist life. Like it’s not right because I’m not “there” yet. Because I worked so hard and think I deserve it.
    In disagreement feeling like I’m not living life right as I pursue my dreams because I haven’t achieved a global mention of some sort.

    It’s as if my ego thinks it’s too hard for the amount of work I put in.
    So what if I agree that it’s hard – and embrace the hard.
    Embrace the jungle of life I’ve created for myself? It feels freeing to agree that nothing SHOULD be going any way other then the way it is.

    • Claire Louge September 6, 2017, 11:27 am

      This is a really beautiful reflection. Thanks for sharing!

  • Sally Rubin September 6, 2017, 11:04 am

    Perfect timing! Great post. Great insights. Thank you. Just had a head-to-head with my freshman son about his girlfriend visiting for YET ANOTHER WEEKEND (yes, I said that loudly) while he is trying to move into his dorm and prepare for his first classes. Indeed, there is more to learning than that one niche called school.

  • Reb September 6, 2017, 11:01 am

    Thanks, Ma. In reading this, I felt a little sigh of space, of release, of happy, open up in my chest. Like when you make a hard fist around a situation, and then let go. Yeah, like that, but with elevated wording.

  • Brenna September 6, 2017, 11:00 am

    Work is the albatross around my neck. I am constantly trying to balance my need to be right with my role as a subservient. Whether I am right, wrong, or somewhere in between means nothing to the powers that be. So why do I care so much? Something for me to ponder.

  • Tracie September 6, 2017, 11:00 am

    When I read this it was almost 11am and after my emotionally manipulative relative decided to have an anxiety attack after I said I was busy the day before. This pattern always follows a holiday that is normally important or after blatant disregard for my emotions are at hand. While reading your story I first felt guilty for saying its time to grow up and learn to breathe, walk, do yoga or center themselves bc I would not be around all the time to jump when called. But at the end, I realized that seeing both sides is also having personal accountability for my feelings or schedule is also important to have any healthy relationship. Yes, you need to see their side but letting someone walk over you consistently as a parent is not healthy for anyone. They need to learn to have compassion as well as giving it when dealing with others.