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Hmm…would I rather date? Or clean toilets?

Darling,

The world of relationships is never easy to navigate. Every time a woman puts on her lip gloss and heels and hits a bar, a club, a restaurant, a library, an online dating site—with the hope of having a fun encounter with a new guy—she is taking a huge crazy risk with her sense of well-being. Guys (and girls) are wonderful. Dating is wonderful. But one disappointing move and our sense of self-esteem can evaporate and be replaced by a creeping sense of hopelessness. Sister Goddess Samantha takes us into the frustrating heart of the matter, as she waits for Mr. Right.

Hi Mama!
I want to find that ultimate, satisfying relationship, but I don’t know sometimes which route to take. I was seeing a guy 15 years younger than me (I’m 40), and we really hit it off in many ways, but he didn’t want a relationship and I did, so I ended things amicably with him. He still keeps in touch from time to time, and I’m so tempted to see him, but I don’t want to put myself through pain either. So much of my life I’ve spent waiting for Mr. Right, and I’m tired of waiting.
Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Thanks, Sister.
I loves me some good gritty man-training questions.
As a single woman, I have been dealing with all kinds of dating issues myself, as are thousands upon thousands of women in our community.
And first off, I really want to congratulate you on saying ‘yes’ to the adventure of dating a guy who is much, much younger. That takes a lot of ovaries! Why? Well, it presses a woman up against all those issues that we confront—are we sexy enough, beautiful enough, hot enough, to hold the interest of a guy that we might have babysat when we were a teen?!
Dating is wrought. And fraught. And sometimes—as your question reveals—it even feels all for naught.
In fact, some Sister Goddesses have confessed to me that they would rather stay home and clean the toilet than re-enter the world of dating.
And that’s what I want to speak into, today, with you.

Dating has changed as rapidly as technology over these last 20 years.
And you gotta remember, 20 years ago, there was no internet. Now we do not take an action without first reaching for our smartphones and computers.
Crazy, huh?
Dating has changed that much.
Dating is a little bit like the Wild West before the West was won. Thar’s gold in them there hills, but you have to do a lot of digging and sifting through sand to find the juicy nuggets.
Why?
Well, think about it.
Our culture taught us that dating was a destination.
Theoretically, you would find a guy, meet him, and then, he would become your boyfriend or you would marry your Mr. (or Mrs.) Right.
We were all marching to the same so-called happy ending.
But now, the world of dating and the options have exploded.
You don’t have to have a boyfriend to have a good sex life. You can have a lover, or many lovers, or a string of hook-ups.
Many women choose to have children on their own, without a husband or partner.
Men and women can have a successful life without ever getting married.
And, 20 years ago, being a ‘cougar’ was not really a choice many women made. Now, it is commonplace.
And yes, people still do fall in love and choose one another—but the pathways to partnership are more varied than they were.

So where does that leave us?
We can either feel like the luckiest guest at a banquet table of options…
Or we can feel kinda confused and displaced and wondering what path to follow and why things are not working according to our plan.
Here is my suggestion to you: choose to feel like the luckiest guest.
And decide that you have had a brilliant round of exploration and fun, as you have sampled all kinds of goodies on the banquet table, including your young man.
Every woman can get everything she wants—and more—from the world of dating.
We have more options than ever before.
But right now, you are feeling hurt and disappointed. And frustrated.
You want to be there and you are here instead.
Hurt, disappointment and frustration are natural and righteous after a breakup, but they are not exactly compelling or attractive to the next guy you might date.
In the School of Womanly Arts Mastery Program, we spend a whole weekend teaching a woman how to process her grief, her sadness, her ruptures and her disappointments so that her past doesn’t bleed into her future. This is really important stuff when a woman is in the process of creating her most deeply held desires!
And a perspective that I want you to consider is this: the young man you were with was the perfect guy, the perfect experience, and the perfect person to love, before you find your own Mr. Right, who is out there, on his way to you, and will appear at exactly the right time, in exactly the right place, as long as you make the investment.
And what is the investment in yourself?
The investment in yourself is to make sure that you are feeling hot, fun, fabulous and full of possibility, rather than disappointment, before you start dating again.
The Womanly Arts are your asset in this internal reconstruction. Here are a few exercises from my first book, Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, that will aid you on your internal transformation.

1. Read the introduction in that book and learn to find the perfection in your experiences, right here, right now. You can read it here: http://www.mamagenas.com/wp3/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/school-of-womanly-arts-introduction1.pdf

2. Do the “Spring Cleaning” exercise in Chapter Two to have a chance to clean up your feelings of hurt and disappointment. You can read more about spring cleaning here: kriscarr.com/blog/clearing-the-clutter-in-your-mind/

3. Make a Desire List of everything you desire in your next relationship. You can’t create it if you can’t imagine it. What kind of man do you want? What kind of experiences do you want to have with him? Be specific.

It is the responsibility of every Sister Goddess to find a way to digest every drop of her experiences with men—and honor every relationship she has attracted and experienced—so she can bring the best of herself into her next adventure.

Have you ever felt the way Samantha felt?
Have you ever lost your way as you were looking for Mr. Right?
Leave your tips of the Womanly Arts and Tools that you have used when you have been in Samantha’s spot, in the comments section below.
Tell us how you’ve used the Arts and Tools to move through a breakup and prepare yourself to receive your next love.

And if you know a woman who’s waiting around for Mr. Right, please share this blog.

With so much love and pleasure,
Mama Gena

P.S. For a master’s degree in the world of relationships, check out the Womanly Arts Mastery Program.

P.P.S. Got more questions for me on this (or any) topic? Tell me about it here: . The more specific you are, the more I will love your Q.

P.P.P.S Save the date! If you’re new to the Womanly Arts, join me on Saturday, January 26th for a LIVE introduction to the Pleasure Revolution

This event already happened. Check out The Experience.

photo: lizlinder.com

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30 Comments / Leave a Comment

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  • url April 10, 2013, 12:06 am

    Thanks-a-mundo for the blog.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

  • Lovely December 13, 2012, 7:34 pm

    I should let my mom read this post so she’ll realize how important it is to love yourself first.

  • Ana December 2, 2012, 9:54 am

    Hello from Spain! You´re awesome MG…Now I´m trying to practise all the things you say and I´m discovering what I really want, keeping my freedom and trying to enjoy men…I was dating with a really young guy, 22 years younger, and he left me and I was stuck in desiring what you haven´t got…until I realized that he doesn´t meet my desires…very handsome and sexy but only that…A new world is waiting for me now! Here I go…

  • Carol November 27, 2012, 8:47 pm

    This was THE perfect blog for me today as, I just signed up for 2 dating sites. Since completing Boot Camp, I have a whole new attitude. I posted photos that I love and was very clear about my desires both in my Desire Book and on the sites. I have been inundated. One of the things that has surprised me most – the way most men present themselves with downright brashness as if they are they are the hottest things since Cary Grant or Johnny Depp. Not to mention the full body shots of their overweight and flabby gutty bods, clearly thinking they look hot enough to publish them as something for enticement. Oy. Here we are, as women, worrying about whether a hair is out of place, if we look perfect enough in a photo to post it, rarely thinking of posting a bikini shot…I keep thinking of the call when MG said that men never care if they make mistakes. They take their errs in stride and move on while women ache over theirs. Boot Camp and Miami have given me a whole new level of confidence and “ovaries”. The whole dating site thing is a great way – a tool – to fine tune my desires for the great man I want in my life, as well as, seeing men with new eyes. Goddess eyes. I have really lightened up about dating, not taking the web experience personally, and approaching it with a real sense of humor! Ha! Much appreciation Sister Goddesses and MG!

  • Christy November 27, 2012, 8:09 pm

    Mama Gena, thank you for my Masters in Dating because I have found the man of my dreams and I so attribute it to your work (and mine!), I told him that your work made me the amazing girlfriend he gets to date 😉

    And girlfriends, it did not happen right away! Here’s my story:

    I made a desire list of what my ideal relationship looked like and since I hadn’t found him yet, I let loose with my wildest dreams. When I was dating and found myself becoming emotionally attached to a man – that I can see NOW was not a good fit – I literally checked off my desire list with a pen to see what aspects were and were not being met. Even though I soooo wanted this or that relationship to work, bottom line was key desires were not met so I kept my options open (and honest) because I was standing for something greater, that at the time I wasn’t entirely sure was possible.

    Trust. Your. Desires. My man meets every desire and so much more.

    Here is the freaky part: In Mama Gena’s book, one of the exercises is to write yourself a love letter. I wrote myself a poem called “Beautiful You.” I wrote this before I met my man. I gave it to someone to mail to me in 6 months time. I forgot about it. I met my man. We started falling in love. He gave me a card for my birthday. On the front it read “Beautiful You” on the inside were words that could have been taken from my love letter. I got my letter from myself in the mail a few weeks later. I compared it to my card from my boyfriend. It gave me the willies and still does! I had been so frustrated by the dating process that in my desire list I wrote: show me he is the one in no uncertain terms. I’d say I got my no uncertain terms.

    Love yourself, express it in words and be prepared to be totally gobsmacked (this was not the first love letter I wrote to myself BTW). I remember thinking that Regina was a little bit crazy with her little exercises. I believe THERE IS METHOD TO THE MADNESS!!!!

    I have dated 53 men after my marriage ended 4 years ago. After I found my man, I was grateful for each and every man I dated and most importantly I am grateful that each and every one did not work out even though at the time, with many of the men, I was sooooooo frustrated it was not working. If you can feel this gratitude for the men you are or are not dating right now, then sister, you’ve got it made.

    • KittyKat December 3, 2013, 10:31 pm

      Thank you for writing this; it comes at a good time for me. I met a man I really like, click with, have great fun with… but he’s not in a relationship mindset, whereas I am. He ticks important boxes, but definitely not all of them. I’ve been tempted to wait, to put my desire for a glorious relationship on hold. I’ve been frustrated, which I recognize now as MY frustration, not his. I realize I have a choice, and I know what I want; it’s not this purgatory. I revisited my relationship desire list as a result of your post, and I feel reinvigorated to leave him be, wish him well, and look ahead. Thank you for the practical and positive reminder.

  • Jaya November 27, 2012, 2:51 pm

    Brilliant post! Indeed we have to find ourselves first before we can find our beloved and as Rumi said love is from the infinite and will remain until eternity!

  • Deborah Smith November 27, 2012, 2:07 pm

    Dear SG Samantha,
    Thanks for the GREAT question.
    Dear SGs,
    Thank you for all the awesome tips.
    Dear Mama Gena,
    Thank you for posting this. As a result of BC I am out here dating and loving it. Your teaching on men has changed the way I look at them. I am deeply grateful that in my corner of the world it is now “. . . raining men. Hallelujah!” Funny men, kind men, intelligent men, generous men are showing up in my life on a very regular basis. There is one that wants to fly here to meet me and one whom showed up at the Convention Center to drive me to the airport at the end of our Rapture weekend. I am getting exactly what I want and desire.
    Now I am preparing to ramp this to the next level. As I have not yet taken the time to truly dream on the specifics of what my “God as Man/Hero” looks and feels like for me, that is one of my number one priorities for this next couple of weeks. I cannot imagine what will come into my life after I do this. I do know that it will be ” . . . even better!”
    My favorite frames from my above SG’s comments are:
    Amy: having fun No Matter What and dating herself.
    Andie: really good stories to tell
    Jennifer: “I am very willing to roll around in the muck and get dirty on my quest for that amazing relationship I desire to have.” and “I have some dirty thoughts that I make me feel really naughty, then I know I am good. ”
    Lala: the whole note
    Jill: ” . . . this is all PLEASURE RESEARCH.”
    SG Ti, Sugarbitch: “NEVER STOP DATING!”
    Meg: Gratitude’s and acknowledging that I am perfectly where I belong.
    SG “RevP.” La Tonia: ” . . . suggest turning up your TURN ON.”
    Thanks you!!

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR November 27, 2012, 5:59 pm

      Deb
      SO EXCITED for you (love s.c.ing with you also!) You are rocking the whole man thing and vpbc thing and and and………..!
      INSPIRATIONAL
      best
      soon
      sg warrior

  • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR November 27, 2012, 1:49 pm

    I couldn’t get into the post this morning, but laughed so hard at the title….. “cleaning toilets” or “dating”…… hmmm……. a TOUGH CHOICE…. Ha! GOOD ONE MAMA G. It is still making me giggle. Also, mama g.’s comment that dating is “wrought,” “fraught” and sometimes feels for “naught.” GREAT to read at 5am
    I think laughter is key for me as I am currently single. I also use the major tool “FUN NO MATTER WHAT all the time.” I actually make that intention when I go out to a “social situation.” I also remind myself that I have loved many many men, from very obese Michael G in 6th grade (he had a fabulous sense of humor), to about a dozen other men at least (including my ex husband of 20 years). SO, even though I like to get grumpy and feel PISSY about it at times, I DO have to admit that I have been very lucky to have loved so many men and to have been loved/adored back. I GUESS IT GOES BACK TO GRATITUDE…..another fabulous tool! ALL THE BEST!

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR November 27, 2012, 6:10 pm

      I MEANT “TECHNICALLY” (computerwise) couldn’t get (respond) to the posted blog until later in the morning………I LOVED IT and it resonated BIG TIME!
      thanks always mg and swa

  • Meg November 27, 2012, 1:03 pm

    Ahhh Mama! Once again the perfect post at just the right time — so much so that after taking on the title of SG for going on seven years now, taking Mastery, Inner Circle and many of your other courses, and lately being more of an observer than a participant in the community, I feel compelled to comment on this one post above all others, that’s how much it resonated. After finally creating a legendary love affair with the man I chose to want to spend the rest of my life with, I find myself unhappy with what I’ve got. Not with him and our love, but with lots else, like the fact that we are not married or getting married any time soon, or that his custody schedule with his kids (who hate me and won’t agree to spend any time with me) makes it difficult to spend time together during the week or on holidays, or the fact that his ex-wife still gets so much of his energy, attention and money (though not in a good way, because she has not yet accepted that she is a sister goddess too — she really could use some Mastery!)

    So what’s an SG to do? Well, the tools of course. Gratitudes — every morning as a ritual AND expressed to him for all the wonderful things he brings to my life , compliments to myself every morning about gorgeous and sexy I am, and perhaps most important, acknowledging that where I am is exactly where I am meant to be and loving every drop of what this legendary love affair is.

    Thank you Mama. And good luck Samantha!

  • SG "RevP." La Tonia November 27, 2012, 12:33 pm

    Thanks Mama G. Yep, applying OLD rules to a new game is really roller coaster sometimes. (Especially for a married minded woman like ..mmmwah.) It doesn’t help when men don’t even realize they, themselves are playing by the old rules yet requesting a new world experience with women. Sometimes, in my self righteousness. . .I am like DUHHH!! However, when I work my tools it (dating) works. . .not as some magic genie but authentic presence. I am less snarky and skeptical. I embrace dating as just as important as foreplay or shopping or investing.

    I suggest turning up your TURN ON. Find a piece of music that lights you up on the inside in a way that when you listen to it you “think seductive thoughts” or even more racier. Then move your lady parts, gyrate, circle, grind, shake and visualize. I’ve noticed that when I am delightfully attentive to myself and play a little bit of Trey Songz. . . .magic happens. It’s not him but it’s something about the vibration of his voice that my “turn on” loves and makes me magnetic . . . without. fail.

    And by the way, just the other day I thanked The GPS for allowing me to fill my own love tank and tweak some beliefs so that I can attract the best version of myself. I mean when I really thought about it – my impatient __ – had amazing grace as her wing woman. WHEW and the beat goes onnnnnnnnnn!

  • SG Ti, Sugarbitch November 27, 2012, 12:27 pm

    I’ve been in a beautiful, hot, love-drenched relationship for four years, but I still date my man. It’s good to remember that dating is a skill you’ll use even if you’re married for fifty years. I used to love dating different people. You get to be delicious and find out what’s delicious about someone else. Tonight is date night with my fella and I’m wearing a sweater that brings out the green of my eyes, sultry perfume, and I’ll be smiling all day. My motto is: NEVER STOP DATING!

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR November 27, 2012, 1:41 pm

      Sg
      You are an inspiration. In all of your posts I can hear that you are still “dating” your man. I think it keeps you in a state of gratitude which is so beautiful to witness. LOVE IT! THANKS!

    • SG Jill is MAGIC November 27, 2012, 2:11 pm

      SG TI!!!! You always take me higher!!! Thank you for this wonderful inspiration…Love it, Love YOU XOXO

  • Jill November 27, 2012, 12:18 pm

    Mama, this post is so timely for me as I am newly single for the first time in what feels like forever and ready to start dating as a Goddess. I love Jennifer’s suggestions above…I am finding that when I am truly owning my Beauty and hotness, men can’t stop telling me…and this is all very new to me. Since having a huge shift around owning my Beauty in Miami (where I wrote on the desire boards I wanted long distance lovers), I went to Memphis TN on a family trip and met 2 men!!!! One online and one in person.
    I had the best first date of my life with Memphis guy, best first kiss, off the hook chemistry…and now online guy is flying across the country to take me on our first date this weekend. I have never dated multiple people, but this is so what I desired…and I am using the tool of Defensive Dating from your book….so as to not get all wrapped up in the stories of what could be like I used to…this is all PLEASURE RESEARCH. I went from dreading the prospect of online dating to having 2 men fall in my lap….good guys who want to serve me, tell me im gorgeous, worship pussy etc. I say above all, own your Beauty and listen to your Pussy…the Research begins!!!

  • Nicole November 27, 2012, 12:07 pm

    Oh Mama, this post soooo resonated with me this morning!

    I just started dating again a couple of months ago, and what a roller coaster ride it has been! From a hot first-date make-out session in parking lot that never led to a second date, to having an able-bodied man ask me to drive him a block and a half to his car after what had proved to be mind-numbingly dull first date, to having a man 14 years my junior invite me to dominate him sexually because when I first flirted with him I had jokingly made a comment about tying him up…dating is proving to be perplexingly complicated. There are nights when a good book and a glass of wine are preferable to a date.

    Then, when someone I’ve known for a couple of years, and who happens to head one of the organizations I teach for, unexpectedly expressed an interest in me, I re-discovered chemistry the likes of which I haven’t experienced in years. The spark and heat and passion we share is fantastic, and much-longed-for on my part. Yet because we’re both intense, relationship-driven people, it seems as if we’re trying to do five months of relationship-building in a weekend. My question to you is, how do you continue to just let yourself inhabit that place of pleasure and fun, without letting it get too heavy or dramatic?

  • LALA November 27, 2012, 11:44 am

    M. GENA-

    This post came at the perfect time! I had 2 dates this past weekend with 2 amazing Indian men. The first date was with a much younger guy (8 years younger) and it was a blind date. The chemistry was off the hook..so so good! The 2nd date was a guy that I was seeing for the 4th time and had really been struggling to find the chemistry between us although on paper he was a good match for me. What came out of the weekend was so many lessons learned. I dont think I’ll be seeing the 4th date guy again..my much younger lover left me knowing without doubt that intense lust-passion-chemistry are something that I cannot do without. I may or may not see the younger lover again either. In the past I would have been so swampy about ending the weekend without a continuation with either guy..but now after years of having the tools in my tool kit I know that what was supposed to happen for me was that I was supposed to become even more clear around my desires and find the GRATITUDE in my weekend adventures. I am better for having had these experiences this past weekend and can actually look forward to meeting an event more amazing INDIAN GUY without getting upset as I would have in the past that neither of the guys I spent time with were “MY GUY”.
    Thank You for teaching me how to be “in the moment” with men and to see each one as a gift rather than a dissapointment.
    With Love-SG LALA

  • Jennifer Weddle November 27, 2012, 11:38 am

    Thanks for the amazing post, Mama! This was such a great reminder and really got me present to all my successes I have had in the Wild West of dating since completing Mastery. I have gone from avoiding dating because I didn’t want to just “hook-up” and then like a dude who was never going to commit to consciously taking a lover, having a ton of fun, having a very grown-up and respectful split when he met someone he wanted to be in a committed relationship with and have maintained a solid friendship with this man. I am now not afraid to put myself out there and really like someone. I am very willing to roll around in the muck and get dirty on my quest for that amazing relationship I desire to have.

    My most used tool is deciding I am one hot piece of ass before I leave the house each day. If I am feeling particularly not sexy, I have some dirty thoughts that I make me feel really naughty, then I know I am good. On one day I was feeling particularly challenged in the sexy dept, I employed the techniques above and found a note on my car when I returned to it saying “You are such a babe!”

    To quote one of my lovely SGs, “This shit really works!”

  • Andie November 27, 2012, 11:30 am

    Mama, This resonates right now. I am online dating and HATING it! A guy actually told me that I hoped I got deported when I asked him to leave me alone (he had been sending me incoherent drunken texts for several hours!) I never seem to attract the kind of guy who I am attracted to –smart, funny, tall, and kind. I only seem to attract the humorless, illiterate, and ugly. Who wouldn’t rather clean the toilet, then take a bath with some 50 shades! Maybe it’s perfect because I’ll have some really good stories to tell?

    • Ruby Red November 27, 2012, 1:57 pm

      Hey Andie-
      Those humorless ugly guys are out there; I’m not convinced that a goddess like you actually attracts ONLY them. I bet you attract *man* men, and you just will need to walk quickly past THOSE guys so that you can be freed up for the hot, sweet ones! I, too attracted the good, the bad and the ugly. I made myself available to only the good ones, and now I have found the love of my life. Enjoy the banquet! xo

      • Ruby Red November 27, 2012, 1:58 pm

        (Oops: typo! I meant to write, I bet you attract *many* men!)

  • Amy November 27, 2012, 9:50 am

    Great post, Mama! And Samantha, I sooo understand where you’re coming from. When I ended my last relationship, I committed myself to using the Womanly Art of Having Fun No Matter What and basically dated myself, and that ultimately led to the incredible romance I’m now having. Try it out and watch what happens…

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR November 27, 2012, 5:55 pm

      This is totally inspiring! I am so glad I read it…. It is SUCH a reminder of self love leading to………….?!
      Thanks
      sg warrior

    • mama gena November 27, 2012, 6:10 pm

      hot, amy!!!