This week we look at relationships: How do you take a relationship and have it grow better and better over time? How do you create and acknowledge the space to allow THE relationship to be unveiled? How do you see through what you think you need, to where your pleasure is actually found?
I am so pleased to have the opportunity to introduce our gorgeous and fabulous panelists for this week: Rose, Mirna, and Elan. They have graciously offered us their insights and experience on dating, marriage, breaking up and falling deeply, passionately in love, all with the help of having a deep understanding of the Womanly Arts.
And don’t forget to stay tuned after the video, because just below, our ladies answer your direct questions!
WOW, what a wealth of knowledge and pleasure these ladies hold! Now, let’s see what they have to say about some of your direct questions:
How can I set myself up to really draw to me and meet an AMAZING life partner?
One of the big shifts for me happened when I decided to turn my life into a party and invite myself as the guest of honor! I met my life partner just after I started working with Mama Gena and experimenting with the tools. I was so in love with the idea of living a life of pleasure and fun that I became a huge magnet for both! For the first time in my life I really loved myself and was focused on the positive in my life. I was bragging, stating my gratitudes and sharing my desires, and all of those tools were taking me higher than I’d ever imagined going. I knew absolutely that I was the life of the party and all of my fears and doubts about being lovable melted away. When I met my future wife it felt inevitable and sooooooo easy! She met me at my most turned on and joyous and that is who she knows me to be. Rather than defining myself based on all of my past stories, I created a new one where I get to be happy and she walked right into that story and continues to help me write it.
A second big shift came when I threw away my list of expectations of who that perfect guy was and instead focused on being happy. I would meditate on what it would feel like to love big and be loved back. I focused on the quality and experience of the relationship rather than on the particulars of what he looked like and what kind of job he had. I decided to turn it over to the universe and trust that the universe is way more creative than I am. And boy was I right! It had never occurred to me that my perfect partner would be a woman.
How does a timid person initiate flirting with her boyfriend?
I am a shy, reserved and timid person, which makes this question perfect for me. For me to build courage to initiate bold flirting with my boyfriend takes too much energy and it’s just not my style.
Flirting can be very subtle as long as your boyfriend knows your style. Flirting is just having fun and making the other person smile. It’s being very conscious where you place your attention on him and when. I do soft flirts sometimes while he’s driving with gentle strokes on his arm or hand. If I have access, I would run my fingers through his hair or kiss his cheek or neck gently. Flirt texting is fun too. It allows me to stay connected with my man when we are apart or he’s busy. As a timid person, I’m guessing you have other skills like observation and research. Every person is different with their likes and dislikes. Have fun no matter what with your pleasure research. Key is don’t take his response personally. This is all in the name of research.
Flirting can be light, a tease, playful. Instead of being the aggressor with flirting, you can be the coy seductress. You could leave little flirty notes in his wallet, by his bed, etc. to seduce his response back to you. You could wear something sexy and oh so accidentally show him a glimpse. And when you realize he’s enjoying the view, cover up again.
I desperately need to connect with my husband who doesn’t know how to give me what I need, what do I do?
I am so glad you asked what YOU can do because connection really begins with you. Understanding your needs and wants first. So often we think our husbands should be mind readers and know exactly what we want and when we desire it. Becoming intimate with your desires first will reconnect you with your appetite. Maybe you can begin a desire journal where anything and everything you have ever wished for or dreamt of fills these pages. Be sure to find a journal that excites and inspires you. Begin by writing “I desire to connect with my husband on a deeply sensual and sexual level.” And go from there. You can write many desires around this one topic and please get specific. Being specific will help you pinpoint what makes you feel good. I desire me time at the luxurious SPA, I desire 2 hours for a long walk in the woods holding hands with him, or I desire the courage to jump out of a plane by 2014. Don’t hold back. You will be surprised how many desires you have once you get started.
Want to have a little extra fun? Involve your Sister Goddesses and share desires. Sometimes our sisters can help us articulate desires we didn’t even know we had. Mama Gena always says that your desires are the perfect size for you no matter how big they are. You wouldn’t be having them if they weren’t just right. Something magical happens when we begin to write down our desires with a pleasurable focus…we begin to see and find ways to make them happen. Not only that but we can then get our husbands on board for the fun. You can pick out your Top 10 desires for the month of September, write them out on beautiful paper and hang them up somewhere your hubby can see them.
One of my Sister Goddesses wrote her desires on fluorescent Post It notes and decorated her fridge with them. My hubby and I share a home office and my desires are always left in full view for him to get to know me even more intimately. My man wants to make me happy. He always says, ‘Happy wife, happy life’. Sharing my desires helps him make me happy. And you know what happy wife means. Get creative and help start the conversation with your hubby about how you would like to connect through your desires.
How do I meld my visions of my inner and outer selves – and how do I allow that to shine in a way that attracts men?
Follow your heart, your desires. HAVE fun no matter what. Melding your inner and outer self takes time. The trick is when you’re having so much fun in your life as you are exploring the most exciting person “YOU”, the last thing you’re thinking about is attracting a man. The funny thing is the minute you stop feeling the need to attract a man, most of the time, that is when men will flock to you like honey.
Look at what you value in yourself and look at what you value in “the one.” Start to notice these traits in men and women. What you focus your attention on, will give you more of it. Admire, acknowledge and appreciate these traits. Enjoy how they feel. For me, I wanted to be a person of integrity and as I became more of that, I also felt attracted to people with integrity. It was just so sexy to see it in others and I noticed I started to only attract men of integrity because I placed my attention on that. It was quite a fun ride meeting so many high quality men and enjoying the experience until I found my husband.
This was my biggest aha: women are all perfect, whole and complete. The man is bonus, whip cream and cherry on top of our already perfect life.
How can I get over this desire to have more with my friend with benefits without losing them as a friend? HELP!
Uh-oh, I’ve never been in a friends with benefits relationship so I don’t have much experience to draw on for this one! I would say that, like any relationship, transparency and respectful, loving communication is key. If your first priority is to the friendship than state that right up front and commit yourself to staying in integrity so that this experience will strengthen your friendship, regardless of how things end up going with the benefits part! If it is your desire to have something more with this person tell them that. Cut through the games and the crap that popular culture teaches us to fall back on and speak from your heart. If they share the desire, awesome! If not, then it might be difficult to continue the benefits part but there’s no reason why the friendship has to end. Keep checking in and communicating with your friend. And Spring Clean like crazy!
How come when I become a mother, I no longer could allow myself to be a sexual being?
Much of the early days after becoming a mother are focused on the care and nurturing of your precious new baby. This natural narrow focus leaves little room for much else. Many days are simply about survival. Being exhausted from all the giving throughout the day and night can leave a gal a little empty. This is the time for consistent Self Care. By creating many self care moments that fill your day with pleasure you could end up having a pleasurable day. And as you know sister, Self Care = Self Love. Pleasure is a discipline that once mastered can set you free. But it need not be complicated.
It can be as simple as preparing yourself nourishing meals, buying flowers for your home or going for walks with or without baby. You might like to take a bath or listen to music while your baby sleeps. I highly recommend napping at the same time as your baby. Sleep is magic. If you find you cannot sleep then light a candle and deep breath for a full 10 mins. I know that some of these can be a stretch on some days and you will resist pleasure. Our culture programs us to accept pain and reject pleasure so be aware of moments when resistance persuades you against taking a bath or a nap. The key is to give yourself permission. Permission to take EXQUISITE care of yourself day by day so that your post pregnancy glow is undeniable. Regaining your strength and stamina through a consistent self care regime will put you back on the path to reacquainting yourself with your sexual being. She created the little miracle you hold in your arms so take the pressure off by trusting that she will return due pleasurable time.
How do we overcome the fear of rejection and initiate intimacy with our significant other?
Initiating intimacy requires being willing to be vulnerable. It is well worth it. If I waited for my courage to be ready, intimacy would never happen for me.
What I’ve learned to do instead is whetting my own appetite, enjoying sensual pleasure and having fun no matter what. How that looks like is this. For instance, I travel a lot and I know my man is a bit pouty and hungry when I return. Reconnecting and being intimate is important especially since we haven’t seen each other in a week or two. Instead of the old song and dance where I feel guilty, try to make up for being away and feel the need to please him (which leads to other not so pleasant things)….I start fantasizing and playing with the idea of what I’ll do with him when I see him again. I start planting this seed in my mind the minute I fly out. I giggle at all the ideas of how to seduce him and turn his pout into a big smile. I make sure that I’m enjoying myself with sensual pleasure (whether with food, clothing or with flowers) while I’m away because he will pick up on that energy. It becomes a game to me instead of a task or responsibility that is oh so not juicy. I think of what outfit to wear, shoes, setting, environment. Imagine his reaction.
Now he will most likely put up some resistance to forgiving so easily for going away. Men like to be tough and strong like that. He may even act a little cold and distant. Some could even feel hurt that you abandoned him or may even react with some anger. They don’t want to be weak and give in so easily. Don’t take it personal. All just part of pleasure research. Keep in mind you may try to take yourself out with ideas like “he doesn’t miss me, love me or want me.” Especially during those moments, focus on your own pleasure. Just imagine, the little boy’s feeling is hurt. The trick is finding what will cheer him up again like a toy, candy, fun event.
My favorite is researching during this time what turns him on and enjoy watching him soften and melt as he watches me looking and feeling good. I believe, the secret to intimacy and pretty much everything else in life is to make sure YOU have the most fun first. It will seem to your significant other that you are being intimate when what you’re really doing is just entertaining yourself.
If he really does say no to intimacy (which most likely has nothing to do with you), then make sure you’re having so much fun that it catches his attention and he wants to be a part of it.
And sometimes, it may just require a loving honest chat with each other. To let him know you’d like to initiate intimacy, but you’re afraid of rejection. Ask him for tips. Men are super helpful with this. I had this chat with my man a while ago when I would initiate intimacy (yet I do it in such a subtle shy way) he wouldn’t even get the message. I asked him playfully, what can I do to make it obvious I was initiating intimacy. He gave me clear specific things I could do.
Makes my life sooo much easier.
What are other ways we can share intimacy without it always being or ending in having sex?
Intimacy is a delicate way of holding your partner. It invites us to be intimate with our desires in our relationship, requires trust and a willingness to share from a deep place. One of the ways you can access intimacy is through your sensuality. Even that word SENSUALITY (said slowly) is a turn ON. And what better way to get your turn on than by using all your senses. It is through touch and taste, sound and smell, sight and sense of energy that you awaken your desire for each other beyond sex. Can you imagine the number of ways you can begin to explore and research what to do together that would involve touch. Feathers are a fun part of the SWA and are a great way to connect through skin without even laying a hand on your partner. For taste, chocolate covered strawberries are unbeatable but don’t make them ahead of time. Lay out the strawberries and have the chocolate sauce in a beautiful bowl so you can dip and feed your partner.
For an even more heightened experience ask you partner to close their eyes while you feed them. Watch your partner enjoy the eating and savor their enjoyment. Now it’s your turn. Remember a big part of sensuality is to GO SLOW. Our fast paced world is hindering our natural ability to savor our experiences and here you want to savor every little response your senses are picking up. It is our capacity for sensation that we are attempting to increase. I read somewhere that foreplay begins at the end of lovemaking. And this is where I believe intimacy really wins. You are playing with each other just for the pleasure of it. You are building the tension between you as you share from this space you access together. Don’t be afraid to use your senses, they’re at your fingertips. Go on… dip them in that chocolate!
What a feast! And yet, I can’t help but find myself yearning for more! How wonderful that Rose, Mirna, and Elan have agreed to come online for the next few days and interact with your comments!
Now what you can do: In the comments below, please share your story, ask a follow up question, and if you’ve got tips and stories to contribute as you read others, please do so.
Thank you all. I love our community and I am so glad to be in this particular conversation with hot, sexy, gorgeous YOU.
With so much love and pleasure,