Mama Gena on Flirting: How To Enjoy Yourself in the Presence of Another

Welcome. This is Donna Otmani at the Pleasure Palace, headquarters of Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. I’m live with Mama Gena. We are doing an ongoing series of interviews on the Case for Pleasure, and today’s topic is “flirting.”

Donna: So, Mama, what’s up with all this flirting?

Mama Gena: Are you flirting with me now? (laughs) You know, flirtation is something that’s really, really, really misunderstood in our culture right now, and particularly among women. But it is such an important aspect of womanhood—in fact, it’s one of the womanly arts. It’s something that is in a woman’s DNA. We were born to flirt.

You know how it is. You’re at a supermarket and you’re standing in line behind a woman who has a nine-month-old baby girl in her shopping cart. That little girl catches your eye and suddenly you’re going, “Goo, goo, goo, goo . . . you’re so cute, little sweetie.” And you’re captivated; you’re entranced. You don’t even care about your groceries—all you want to do is make that little girl smile. There’s no reason behind it, there’s no goal. It’s just such a pleasure.

Women are fantastic. They’ll flirt with dogs, you know? You see something fluffy on a leash and you go, “Oh my God, how adorable. What kind of dog is that?” And there you are, flirting with the doggy. We’ll flirt with babies. We’ll flirt with men. We’ll flirt with our girlfriends. You’re at a party and you see a girlfriend and you go, “You look so hot,” and she’ll go, “Oh, no no, you look so hot,” and you say “No, no, YOU . . .” Suddenly, what’s happening? You’re having fun. You’re cutting loose all this joy, all this enthusiasm, and it’s such a great pleasure.

Most women are taught to flirt in a way that’s really not flirtation. We’re taught: You go to a bar and you smile at a guy because you’re hoping that he’s going to buy you a drink or that he’ll take you out on a date or he’ll marry you someday. And that’s not the point. That’s really not the point.

The point of flirting is this—and actually this is the recipe for a perfect flirtation—it’s simply enjoying yourself in the presence of another person. And that’s a choice, you know? You don’t always have to choose to enjoy yourself in the presence of another person. But when you do, it’s a way of taking care of the world. It’s actually a spiritual practice.

If I go into my corner deli and I decide, “You know what? I’m gonna flirt with all these guys.” And I say, “Hey guys. Good morning! You make the best coffee on 88th Street.” Suddenly, everybody’s having fun. They think, “Ah, wow, who is this breath of fresh air and springtime that just rolled into our deli?” And everyone is awakened to the privilege of this day. That’s the power that a woman has when she is enjoying herself in the presence of others.

And incredible things do happen. Sometimes you do get a free coffee. Sometimes you don’t. But the miracle is the delicious feeling that your delicious feelings inspire in other people. There’s no goal except your good time. And I promise you this: If you flirt your way through that deli in the morning, you are setting up your day to be a lot more fun and a lot more filled with joy and adventure than if you make the decision not to flirt. So, it’s your decision. It’s your day, it’s your life, your choice. Now go out there and flirt!

Donna: But, Mama, I’m married. So society tells me I shouldn’t be flirting anymore because I’ve got my guy. How do I handle flirting? How do I stay in my spiritual practice if I’m married?

Mama Gena: Well, you just flirt with the puppies and the babies and the girlfriends. No. No, I’m kidding. You can flirt with other men. Now hold on here, because our culture says that flirtation has sexual overtones. Flirtation does not—unless you give it sexual overtones.

Flirtation is simply enjoying yourself in the presence of another person. You can flirt with your taxi driver, you can flirt with the bus driver, with the elevator man, with the doorman at your office building.

There are ways to flirt that are socially acceptable, lots of fun for you and others, and don’t do anything except make you feel good about yourself. That way, when you return home in the evening to your beloved, you are greeting him with even more joy because of all the fun you have stirred up all day long.

So, yeah, you get out there and flirt even though you’re married. And you want him to flirt, too. You want him to receive the fun and reflect back the joy of every woman that he passes in his day, as long as you guys know that you’re together and that your relationship is beautiful and sweet and loving and hot. Yes, you both have some flirtation and joy that you can spread around. So be generous to your sisters, and flirt with every man you see, and vice versa.

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