Marie Story

I came to Fall Mastery 2007 to turn my lights back on, to reconnect with my femininity, to increase my life force, to learn to trust myself and to heal my body. See, my body had been sending me extremely urgent signals to pay attention and make some changes.

One year ago, on February 28, 2007, I was diagnosed with Stage 1 invasive breast cancer. About 16 months ago, life was going well; I was in a new relationship with my current boyfriend, Alan, whom I had been dating about 8 months, only I wasn't my normal vibrant self I was prior to dating him and at the beginning of the relationship. While I really, really liked this guy, I had made some rather unconscious choices that resulted in a decrease in my vitality, my sassiness, my femininity and my love for life.

I had unconsciously decided to switch the source of my joy, happiness, fulfillment, etc. from myself to him. It was so subtle and automatic it was scary. I began to take less joy in the areas of life I had gotten so much juice from, prior to my relationship with Alan. I began to put less effort into my job, and consequently enjoyed my job less (the underlying thought was, 'Well, it doesn't matter anyway because eventually we'll get married and have kids, and I'll quit my job anyway'). I began to put less effort into the relationship with my girlfriends. I quit flirting (my line of thinking was 'well, I've found a man, I don't need to flirt now, since I'm off the market'). I quit taking my dance classes (I didn't want to miss out on any time with Alan!)

God, I know how ridiculous this sounds, but I guess I was starved for a boyfriend, since I hadn't been this excited about a man in five years, and this excitement completely overwhelmed me, and I turned my life upside down for it. However, as a result, my lights went out as well. And the stink of it was that I was no stranger to the School of Womanly Arts. I had taken Mama Gena 101 class about five years ago, and was a big sister like four times! I knew conceptually that what I was doing was dangerous. I knew better. I knew that men are more attracted to women who are fulfilled and living their lives independent of them. What can I say, I was out of practice, and didn't have my Sister Goddess community to slap me around and set me straight. So, I withered.

I don't think it's any big secret that when a person's life force is low, like a wilted flower, they are more susceptible to disease. Alan noticed as well. He loves me and has always been attracted to me, but he asked me what happened to that sassy, wild, mysterious girl I was when he met me and whom he found so attractive.

Anyway, at this point in my life, I started having sharp pains in the center of my left breast. I thought at first it might be chest pains, but I went to the doctor and they said my heart looked perfect. Then something inside me said, 'maybe I should get a mammogram, just to make sure', since the pain was on my breast, after all. I did get a mammogram, which found a suspicious mass, followed by a sonogram, which confirmed the suspicious mass, followed by a biopsy, which indicated breast cancer. NOOOO!!! How could this be? I was only 33 years old, I felt and looked healthy (other than the pain in my breast), I exercised, I had things to do, I had a life to live!! This couldn't be right, could it? But the tests revealed breast cancer, as did another follow-up biopsy from a second opinion.

The breast surgeons I consulted with recommended a lumpectomy, removal of the lymph nodes (to detect if the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes), radiation and chemotherapy. I was so pissed off and upset about this radical treatment recommendation (which included possible loss of fertility and loss of my beautiful hair), that I completely rejected all their recommendations. The most I considered was having the lumpectomy without removing the lymph nodes. I'm a big believer in the body's ability to heal itself and that these things don't just happen, that our bodies and minds are connected, and that there was a message for me to get here. I also believe that the pain was an indicator for me to make changes to my diet and lifestyle, and to investigate and resolve any imbalances physically and emotionally, that this was my ticket to healing. Also, my mother had died of breast cancer 13 years ago, and she had surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, and her cancer came back four years later and she didn't make it. I knew this was not the route for me.

Instead, I consulted with a raw food guru and went on an immediate cleanse. I began a mono-diet of only raw, organic fruits and vegetables. I water-fasted for 3 days. I got a sink & shower filter. I stopped wearing underwire bras. I started working out and sweating like a fiend (to get rid of toxins). I cut down my stress- load at work. I quit caffeine. I started sunbathing in the nude for 5-10 minutes in the morning before work (I get sunlight in my apartment) to get the benefits of Vitamin D. I started dancing again.

Then my brother-in-law recommended a healer guy who had supposedly healed a stage-four cancer patient who was diagnosed with 6 months to live, so I consulted with him. He immediately spotted the cancer energetically and could point to where it was on my body. He also told me that he believes cancer is about lifestyle. He said in my case, my body was telling him that I worry too much, that I'm a young woman and it wanted to dance, have fun, do what I want, say what I want, eat what I want, and that I need to use my estrogen! I immediately thought of Mama Gena's and thought how perfect this would be for me at this point in my life.

At this time, as you can imagine, I had many different friends, family, doctors, healers, etc., recommending all sorts of different paths I should take. I was overwhelmed by all these recommendations, because many of them conflicted with one another. I was wired from a young age to look outside of myself for advice. My tendency was to go to my sisters, my boyfriend, my colleagues, everyone except myself, because my belief was surely that I didn't know best. I knew this circumstance I was in, where I couldn't afford to make a wrong decision, was God's way of telling me that not only do I have the answers, but I must look within myself and listen to my inner voice, and that I must trust myself. I had been wanting to strengthen my inner voice and my intuition, and I, again, thought of Mama Gena's.

So I went about doing all these different things, changing my diet, and trying to increase my life force, love of life and use my estrogen. However, despite the fact that I was taking dance lessons again, I still felt something lacking. I still couldn't locate that inner spark, that joie de vivre. I was taking tango lessons, which I used to derive so much pleasure from, but this time I wasn't into it. My dance partner was a smoker and I had to tell him I couldn't dance with him. I went to jazz class but I was so skinny from the raw food diet that I hated looking at myself in the mirror and ran home crying. I organized evening to go dancing with my girlfriends, which was fun, but I still couldn't find that spark and all I longed to do was go home to Alan.

Not long after, I went to a spiritual therapist that a friend recommended, who channels Gabriel (an archangel, higher-level being) and incorporates bodywork into his therapy. When I told him about my situation, the first thing he said was that women in our society so frequently get breast cancer because they are not nurtured (by anyone), nor are they taught to nurture themselves. He said that men, for the most part, don't get breast cancer, because they are nurtured (and many times over-nurtured). He also said the left breast symbolizes receiving, and that in my case, I wasn't letting in the nurturing others were giving to me, nor was I receive nurturing from myself, which explains why I so automatically appoint my boyfriend as my source of nurturing. Again, I thought of Mama Gena's.

My inner voice just kept telling me "Go to Mama Gena's. Go!!" Then I received an email saying that the Fall Mastery class only had a few spots left. That was it. Not long after, I picked up the phone, and Chica registered me.

As I started the program, I slowly began to see some shifts in my life. I enjoyed going on the OC boards and sharing. Although I was unenthusiastic at first, I started doing the homework. I began dressing sexier. I began buying myself flowers for myself at the office.

Saturday night of the first Mastery weekend, I went out to dinner with Alan's parents, which I generally never enjoyed (I used to secretly accused them of sucking the life force out of me). However this time I was my own source of fun. Surprisingly, I actually had a delightful time, for the first time ever. I found his parents to be adorable!

I also began to enjoy my job more. Where I had previously found my co-workers to be boring and uninteresting, I began to enjoy them! Since I was on this health kick, I had the idea of inviting the women in my office to do afternoon wheatgrass shots with me. We called it 'Happy Hour'. We actually had a hilarious time. I discovered that as I started pleasuring myself, I was enjoying the people around me much more. I was becoming my own source of fun and pleasure. I also started being more productive, without putting in any more effort.

Then I went to Miami. Aaah, magical, sensual Miami. I went topless on the beach. I meditated every morning at the water's edge. I did yoga every morning with other Goddesses next to the palm trees and underneath the blue sky. I felt so deeply satisfied and nurtured. I observed the hot, juicy women around me going for their desires, and it shook up something deep within me. Even though I was starting to dress sexier, I still hadn't desired attention from men, except Alan. However, I looked around me and saw all these women flirting with hot men at the parties we were going to. It stirred up a desire inside of me to be sexy and powerful enough to get attention from any man I wanted. So, I started flirting at the party we went to on Saturday night. Lo and behold, a man at the bar bought me a bottle of water (since I don't drink alcohol). Then I met a young sailor from New Zealand. Even though he was ten years younger than me, I found him and his accent adorable, and I desired more attention from him. However, after a few words, he turned around and started a conversation with someone else. But I wanted more! What was a Sister Goddess to do? I spoke with my Sister Goddesses nearby, and they instructed me to walk myself over to him. When I got fairly close to him, another Sister Goddess grabbed myself and him and made a little New Zealand sailor sandwich. He caught on that I wanted to flirt with him, and he was shortly giving me lots of attention. He even started kissing me! Now, the kissing was ok, but he was young, and I decided to teach him how I like to be kissed. He had no problem complying, and I found it much more enjoyable. I also told him that I had a boyfriend back home, and that all I desired to do was kiss, and then go my merry way. He was a little disappointed, but agreed. Once I had my fill of attention, I said good-bye to my sailor man, and I went to another bar with my Sister Goddesses. Needless to say, I was feeling powerful, sassy and very alive! By the way, I confessed to Alan about my little make-out the next morning, and he was happy for me that I had a little adventure!

Miami for me was a turning point. I felt so hot and felt centered around Mama Gena and all these Goddesses in a sexy, tropical environment where all we talked about and practiced was pleasure. I saw all my sisters around me having outrageous fun, pleasure and laughter. And I got mine, too!

When I returned to New York, I brought that centered pleasure with me. It seeped over into other areas of my life. I began flirting with men at the gym, with men at work. I even found my friends and relatives more fun and interesting. Alan began to notice, too. Over New Year's we went up to Vermont with a bunch of friends to go skiing. Without even realizing it or trying, I was the life of the party. I was fun, vivacious, present, hilarious, sexy, and courageous, and doing things that I knew were a stretch for me, like snowmobiling and snowboarding, Alan mentioned that he was so turned on to be with a woman who was so focused on herself and her pleasure. Slowly, over the course of Mastery, I took my focus off of Alan and put it on to myself. I felt passionate and full of life. I finally felt like me again.

Then I knew that I wanted to get my little lump removed. Without consulting everyone, I knew this was the thing to do, and I made an appointment with my doctor and scheduled the lumpectomy. After 11 months of treating this thing naturally, I just wanted it gone.

I had confided in a handful of Sister Goddesses before this about my breast cancer, but I was nervous about coming out to the entire community. I was afraid that these ladies might tell me what I should do or respond with fear and judgment about my holistic approach (as I had experienced with a few friends and family). However, my inner voice was telling me I wanted to the support of this magnificent community during my time of surgery. So I confided in my Big Sister Janine, who advised me to send an email to the girls I felt connected within the community, telling them that I'm having surgery and how I'd like their support. So I sent an email to about twenty-five Sister Goddesses, telling them my situation and how they could support me, if they chose to. I told them I'd like funny jokes, text messages, private messages on the OC, flowers, cards, and recommendations for funny movies. I felt so vulnerable, exposed and afraid, opening myself up like this. But the response I received was overwhelmingly beautiful. I received gorgeous flowers, cards, sweet text messages, lingerie, visits from Sister Goddesses, and even a complimentary massage from a Sister Goddess who is a masseuse! My apartment was filled with flowers, which turned into a beautiful, healing sanctuary. It felt as if I was wrapped in a blanket of love.

Janine also encouraged me to be in my full pleasure during the time of surgery, but not to resist any negative emotions that came up as well, to embrace all faces of the Goddess. The night before my surgery, I went to a party and danced up a storm. I danced away my fears about surgery, and danced for my love of life. It felt so great! The day of my surgery, I was nervous and scared, but I did Spring Cleaning and had a mini melt- down with Sister Goddess Holly, and immediately felt better. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup to my surgery, but I style my hair and curled it. I wore my Mama Gena t-shirt and sexy underwear. I flirted with my anesthesiologist. I asked my surgeon and anesthesiologist to repeat healing affirmations to me as I went under and as I was waking up from surgery. I planned a fun movie night afterwards with my friends.

As a result of all this pleasure and fun surrounding my surgery, I didn't end up needing any pain medication whatsoever.

I received visits from friends, and flowers and emails kept pouring in. It was an exercise in asking for what I want and receiving it. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to include my Sister Goddesses in this experience with me.

I am so grateful that I turned what could potentially have been a very scary event into a celebration of love, community and receiving.

Over the course of Mastery, I slowly began to pay more attention to the wisdom and brilliance of my inner voice. Through the practice of pleasure, I slowly began to shift my tendency of looking outside myself for pleasure and nurturing, to looking to myself as the source. And as a result, a wave of life force has surged through me, leaving me feeling passionate and vibrant again. And I am so grateful to Mama Gena and the Sister Goddesses for being such an integral part of my healing journey.

Much love,

Sister Goddess Marie

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