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I was immobilized and falling apart

Darling,

Look around. Everything is dying here in the Northeast.
The grass is brown. The leaves are throwing one last party, exploding with color, before they fall, die, and dry up.
Every year: death.
Birth, life, death.
I have always had a preference for the first two.
Birth is so beautiful. Life – so exciting.

Death? I tried to avoid it.
I only wanted what was good and happy and pleasant.
And I had an inner urgency for everything to appear good and happy and pleasant. No matter what was happening.
I never wanted to show the cracks in the marble.
What woman does, really?

I was scared of death.
Loss.
Rupture.
Fortunately, Rupture was not afraid of me. She demanded equal time, equal love.
She came after me with a vengeance she reserves for avoiders like me, and brought me to my knees.

MEOLA-163Knees?  No.  Actually, flat out.  Immobilized.
Broke me apart in a million bits and pieces.
Which strangely, feels like love.
And my long arduous repossession made me the woman I am today.

We don’t learn to fall apart well in this culture. We avoid our own darkness with drugs or alcohol or food that diminishes our ability to feel what we were meant to feel, born to feel, wired to feel.
We don’t learn how to die. We have no idea how to let things end.
Rupture is an outcast citizen. She is dis-invited to every party.
We avoid her like the enemy, rather than invite her to the finest seat at the banquet table and invite her to take her place.

You cannot rupture without love. Don’t avoid love for that reason. Run towards it, open-armed.

A few years ago, in an 18-month span of time, I lost my father, supported my lover when his son was in a devastating accident, and then, lost my lover.
The life I had been living, and the life I had been planning, vaporized.
I was shocked.
Devastated.
Overwhelmed.
And utterly clueless about what to do next.
So I became a student of my own devastation.

I let Rupture lead.
I stopped all forward motion.
I stopped trying to act like I knew what I was doing.
I stopped trying to pretend I was OK.
I was not OK.
Nothing was OK.
Instead, I wore my inside on the outside.
And I grieved every way I could find, and then some.
My heart.
My mind.
And most especially, my body.
I let her lead us.
I danced and moved my hips and wailed my devastation for as long and loud as she required.
I found the sacred sensual in grief.
I packed heat.

My rupture had a huge range, a mountain range of emotion.
Loss, darkness, hopelessness, vengefulness, rage, danger, heartbreak, devastation, loneliness, despair, helplessness, regret.
It felt exquisite.
Unendurable.
Elating.
It wed me to life and sunk deep roots in my womanity.

My greatest fear, at that time, was that my ruptures and losses meant that I was not ever going to be able to receive, or live my most deeply held desires.
I would never love or be loved again.

But in listening closely, I found out a truth that was greater than my fear.

1.     No matter how it looks at the outset, rupture is actually in service to your desires. Click to tweet this!

2.     The experience of rupture scrubs out whatever old gunk inside stands between you and your desire.

3.     Rupture actually strengthens and hones the parts of you that could have never been accessed without it, that required strengthening.

4.     Embracing and yes, loving your rupture forces you into your greatness. Click to tweet this!

5.     Rupture is the birthplace for all the qualities that you require to truly live your desires and become the woman you were born to be.

Rupture is my guide, my tutor, my teacher, my co-conspirator.
She is a power source that connects me to my divinity.
She is the red, the yellow, the orange of the leaves on the trees, this morning.
Death is upon us, and it looks and feels like love.

Now it’s your turn to share.

How well do you think you handle things when your life is in crisis? Do you live in the land of ‘ok’ or ‘fine’? Do you know how to navigate tremendous change? Do you lose yourself, or find yourself? What were you taught about all this when you were growing up? How does it impact you today?

Also, please share your questions in this area. I can’t answer them all in the comments, but I will be reviewing each one individually and will be crafting a future Q&A post based on your questions and input.

With so much love and pleasure,

mama-gena-sig-180px

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  • Deborah Smith November 21, 2013, 12:17 am

    I am in awe and gratitude for the strength and courage and wisdom of all the SGs here above. Compared to many of them I feel like a neophyte. At he same time I applaud myself for knowing the value of feeling all my darkness and thank you, MG, for reminding me and pushing me deeper into these aspects of myself. I spent many years in complete shock from the effects of my childhood. Once I grasped that I was/had been in shock I was able to release myself from the guilt I had been carrying for not feeling/seeming to act appropriately to my and other’s losses. That awakening happened in 1975.
    It has been a very slow journey back to honoring/trusting/allowing/feeling all of my feelings as they happen. Thank you Regena, you are playing a large role in this re-claiming and unchaining of myself.

  • SG Rebel November 15, 2013, 11:42 am

    I’m in full rapture… I’ve been here with what feels like no end for the last year. I cry what feels like daily. My eyes are so swollen it hurts to keep them open. My cousin and her child almost died in child birth, my nephew is diagnosed with a rare condition called CDG-1A, my dad suffers a stroke and has no use of this arm and leg, I loose my job, get into a horrible car accident the very next day with my mom and dad, my boyfriend gets into a car accident, his father then goes in for another surgery to repair his aorta from rupturing now has to come home in a wheel chair, and the job I spent interviewing/presenting for the last 2.5 months just called me and said I did not get the job.
    Wow… I keep telling myself something better is just around the corner something got to give it will be better. I’m in full rapture… I can’t hear my bodies desires. I feel raw, and that is the right way to feel. I’m embracing this rapture and reminding myself of all the wonderful things I have in my life.
    I am grateful for my love NG, my beautiful home, for my parents who are still alive, my family who is by my side, my friends who have helped lift me up and get me out of the house even when I have no desire to get out of my PJ’s. And my sister goddesses who write about their life and stories to help the rest of the community.
    I am grateful for all I have and all that is coming my way.

  • Amy Elias, MS aka SG Stilletto Yoga November 5, 2013, 3:38 pm

    RUPTURED LED TO TRUTH! YAYAY! Here I am THIS side of LAs Vegas by myself at a hotel in Lake LAs Vegas and had time for hubby and I to be separate and the RUPTURE SOOTHED MY SOUL and awakened me to what I no longer will accept… I have let down all women, everywhere, and played small-but in Vegas my mind/heart went BIG and blew off my comfortability and went into courageousness. So rupture births possibility. And here I is! Gratitude for Community.
    RUPTURE=LATENT POTENTIAL REALIZED

  • Susan November 4, 2013, 1:54 pm

    At 25 I broke up from my first long term relationship. It was not a healthy one. By the end I felt like a husk. I was living away from home, studying in London, and felt utterly alone. I sobbed and wailed loud and long, and I gave myself permission to break and break again. In that time, though they were dark, dark days, I found that I wasn’t only crying for the end of my relationship but was also crying out other griefs that I had encountered throughout my life. That giving myself the space and time and permission to rupture (and rupture loudly!) repeatedly, on my knees on the living room floor, gave me the release that I didn’t know I needed. And all those months later, when I rose from my own ashes, I felt like a woman. It wasn’t a man or an age that had made me a woman, it was knowing my own heart, sitting with my brokenness and letting everything come out that needed to in its own sweet, yet painful time. It gave me access to my roots, and I’ve felt connected to them ever since.

  • HRH Teia November 3, 2013, 12:18 pm

    I’ve been dancing on the sharing and not sharing, but then after a series of waking dreams that left me in a series of twisted emotions when I had to come back to the post. I realized that I needed to share. I needed to be in the company of encouraging women determined to support, encourage, revel in — not compete with and inspire each other to next level of awareness and gifting.

    Rupture is such a terrifying word for a necessary process that I have run from so many times, feeling the need to control the events of my life, claiming lack of desire, time and fear for the process, how to cope and unsure about its outcome. Right now, I sit reflecting upon the here and now and the choices and steps that brought me here. I feel so much these days and believe that I am coming up for air.

    I feel my son moving inside of me. About 20 weeks along, in a more difficult pregnancy than I’ve ever experienced, I am confronted by the long-held beliefs that pervade my thought process and the words that I have had to eat. Pregnant and unmarried, as the date of our planned wedding has passed and the intended groom has decided that he no longer wants this child, to be a part of this family, prefers the company of men over this woman, and that the idea of a family no longer fits into his life plan — breaks my heart — the dark parts of crushed fairy tales and unexpected disappointments — and stomps on my pride, yet the world has not stopped. Time has not stood still — though at moments I have — and there are still things to smile about much to my surprise. The rupture and destruction that I feared so much has crafted a woman that I am proud to know — that cares less about what other people think and more about what’s real for me, being authentic to my own desires, sees that her value is innate and undeterred and not determined by any outside circumstance, person or happening. Ironically though this rupture and the process of writing this response, I can see that I am learning to be a queen in my own right.

    The beauty of this rupture is that the gifts that are present right now, like my children, family, sunshine, faith and innate talents that I had long forgotten start to shine a bit brighter through a veil of tears and when the light starts to shine on them. Through the rubble left by the rupture, things that I’ve been taking for granted, leaving neglected and failing to embrace have come to my attention and inspired me to pick up the good fight and stop robbing myself and world of my special brand of life force.

    I am clinging to the fact that my good, my children’s good, my family’s good, and that of my loved ones is here, is coming and is yet to come. I feel like that dark cloud is lifting and am realizing that I have more to do with the creation and the lifting than I thought before. Someone else’s life choices have very little to do with who I am and am meant to be, meant to have and am meant to experience. So yes, it’s time, to breathe, come up for air and enjoy it all. I have to know that nothing, none of these experiences, none of these challenges, none of these feelings that I am allowing myself to feel are ever wasted and that this story of mine is just going to get richer and fuller as I experience the rupture and rebirth.

  • SG Anna November 2, 2013, 4:26 pm

    As I look back on my life, none of it makes sense. The divorce of my parents when I was one; my mother cutting off all ties with him and his entire family; him never trying to get in touch with me; me finally plucking up the courage to get in touch with his sister only to find out he had passed away; the terrible relationship with my mother; the stepfather who seduced me when I was 9 and continued his sexual games until I was 19 when I finally understood nobody would come and rescue me and I had to stand up for myself; my only brother being diagnosed as schizophrenic. I experienced my childhood and early adolescence as totally chaotic and nothing made sense. I entered therapy at the age of 21 to make sense of things and have continued it on and off until now. It probably saved my life more than once. During the 4th year at university I realised I couldn’t go on any longer. I couldn’t focus on studying, couldn’t bring myself to work on my Master’s thesis. I hated and avoided men like the plague, didn’t date, didn’t socialise much. I took a year off and came to London with the intention of finding out for myself if I was so shit at everything as my mother thought I was. I was determined to prove that I, too, could lead a normal life. I married the first guy who came along and wasn’t deterred by my avoidance tactics. He stuck with me. My mother was finally happy I was doing something with and in my life. At some point earlier on, I had decided: “no more rupture in my life!!!!”. No thank you. I was after stability. I craved safety. I was adamant I was going to make this marriage work. No divorces and stepfathers for my future children. There were huge differences from the beginning and almost no intimacy, and I was increasingly unhappy and spent the entire 13 years trying to change my husband. And telling myself that everything was ok, that I should be grateful for what I had and other people were in a much less fortunate position. But I was alone in this big city, with no family to help out with my 2 children, no friends to speak of, no job outside the house, always stressed out and extremely tired no matter how much I slept. And always hearing that I didn’t work so shouldn’t complain. My husband provided the money that was barely enough for us to survive and felt resentful that he was the only person working. He was absent emotionally and physically most of the time. My self esteem was in tatters and it was a vicious circle.
    At the beginning of this year, I decided something had to change. I cried for ours that day. The happy family I wanted so much wasn’t happening and my husband was behaving like my mother and stepfather rolled into one. I made a vision board for myself and my kids. 3 weeks later, a guy appear in my life out of the blue. He represented everything that I desired in a guy, he liked me, he was interested in me and my life. His dreams were similar to mine. But he was married with 3 kids so he felt safe and I was hungry for attention. We started texting and it was innocent so I didn’t think I should delete the texts straight away. My husband read them all one day without telling me, then followed me to the cafe where we me and my friend agreed to meet. All hell broke loose. The next month was like a haze. I was finally out of the cage I had put myself in, but my husband was having none of it. He went through my emails, my texts and my wardrobe. He threatened to take my kids away, then promised he’d never do anything like that. Then he would call Social Services to report I left the kids on their own for an hour at night (I never did). Long story short, we are separated and it’s been almost half a year. I’m still not working outside the house as my daughter only just started Reception. I still don’t know who I am and why this rupture had to happen. I sometimes think if I had the SWA tools earlier on, perhaps we would have survived as a couple. But i have so much charge now against him and what trust there was between us is completely gone now. I am just so pissed off that I haven’t achieved anything. I not only FEEL like a single parent now, I AM one. I have even less support from my husband in nearly every way. He is a better father now or at least tries to be; that’s on the plus side. I still am in contact with my friend and these days it’s not totally innocent. I try so hard to change the way me and my almost ex husband communicate for the sake of the children. I signed up for VPBC and try to do whatever I can, whenever I can. I guess I still have a problem with making myself a priority and have a million questions to which probably only God has the answers. I release the huge charge with SC although wish I could do even more. I do dance breaks, I cry and hit pillows. I keep asking “Why????”. I’m so scared most days. I feel very old most days but then some days I am full of enthusiasm. I flirt occasionally with guys that feel safe, like the postman. I read and try to catch up with the few friends I have every now and then. I continue therapy. I feel better and then, bang! I feel horrible again. I have sex with my friend occasionally, after which I am full of guilt and resentment but I’m afraid of letting go for fear I will completely fall to pieces without him. It’s like a roller coaster ride, only much less fun. I just hope one day I will finally understand what it is I have to learn not only from the separation but from my entire miserable life. Thank you, Mama Gena, for providing me with the Tools. I was totally lost as a woman before I found your books and this community. I hope I can still find myself, somehow. Thank you.

  • Lola October 31, 2013, 10:25 pm

    Before I began to write my story, I scrolled down, reading the stories of so many wonderfully emotional women. At this point, I am left speechless (not easy to do). Thank you ladies for sharing your heart full stories. I wish you an evening of basking in all the beauty you bring to this world.

  • Stacy October 31, 2013, 4:56 pm

    Thanks, Robin. It feels so hopeless, so painful….but yet I know that some of the things I’ve lost, I needed to lose, such as the abuse, etc. That has also necessitated losing some money, some things, but I guess things aren’t as important as people.

  • Stephanie Marrone October 31, 2013, 2:47 pm

    Sister Goddess Regena,

    Thank you for writing this exquisite piece. My love and gratitude goes out to one-trillion fold! When I’m in crises, I tend to lose myself along with everything YOU have taught me through mastery and serving on team pleasure. Thank you for reminding me that rupture can be and is a great gift.

    xoxo
    SG “Red Hot Stephie”

  • Stacy October 31, 2013, 11:56 am

    This is a really timely post. My life is completely destroyed and falling apart right now. I left an abusive marriage of 12 years 3 months ago to move across 3 states and live with my mom (I have two kids ages 7 and 11 who are with me). I also left a wonderful, well-paying job that I loved with people I loved. I have finally found a job in my new home but I make less than 1/2 of what I did before. I am well-educated and have EXTREME student loan debt that I have no idea how I’ll pay and you can’t discharge in bankruptcy. I am late on my car payments, can’t make credit card minimums. I feel so ALONE, so hopeless. I’m 41 – who will want an old woman with horrible credit? I don’t want to die alone but I feel so hopeless right now. I am losing everything and the pain is almost unbearable.

    • robin Kahn October 31, 2013, 3:02 pm

      Stacy, I just wanted to say you are not alone. Keep reaching out. I know it feels hopeless, but you are still young and you are unfortunately getting some of life’s difficult lessons right now. Look at all the entries on this topic, isn’t it amazing? Some of us are in the middle of the rupture and some of us have moved through it — but all I can promise you is that it will change. It won’t be this difficult forever. I promise you.

  • Thea October 31, 2013, 4:47 am

    This is precisely why I would like to do mastery and want to join this community. I am about to rupture and it is going to be so delicious!!

  • Visionary Bri October 30, 2013, 9:43 pm

    I try not to live in the land of “okay.” If I fake being fine when I’m not, I’m not living authenticly. When I was young, my family always told me to pretend things were okay, even when they weren’t. I’m through with pretending. It’s taken time, therapy, support and love from family and friends for me to undo those old patterns. What I’ve come to learn is this – it’s okay to be broken, sometimes. If other people can’t handle it, that’s their problem, not mine. I feel what’s wrong with me in depth, go to the deepest parts of it, then try to move through it without denying any of it. I think that’s how I deal – get to know the “rupture” intimately and make it my friend, of sorts. If a breakdown needs to happen, I break down. On the flipside, I also honor, respect and support my loved ones if they break down. This life will sling horrible things at us. That is the nature of it, but we know the lows so that we can fully live and be present at the peaks of the highs.

    I think that being honest with how you’re feeling – when you’re awesome and when things are sucky – is revolutionary for women. We’re taught to hide because how we’re really feeling is “inconvenient” or 2nd to the needs of society, the family or “the whole.” Honoring all parts of our experience (even the crappy parts when we’re flat on the floor, crying and internally shrieking, “Nothing! Do you hear me? NOTHING IS OKAY, RIGHT NOW!”) is important, valuable and necessary. Thank you, Mama Gena, for your honesty in that you’ve felt this way, too.

    My question to you is this – would you ever consider doing a collaboration writing project? I’d love to work with you! 😉

  • Amy Elias, MS aka SG Stilletto Yoga October 30, 2013, 7:10 pm

    Well, I responded above but one day later, I see I ruptured last night as Iw as sleeping the tears soaked my eye mask. I knew I ruptured. I saw my 35 1/2 year marriage for what it was. I stood by a man who chose to not step up and grow up and I saw that my love was boomeranged with utter destruction that I refused to see in a way that moved me up a notch or two. I let his fear of abandonment issues control me and today, I see I stepped over a very real problem, I forgot to love me MORE THAN, and take care of me MORE THAN him. I refused to believe he would want a life like this. OF disconnection. I held my vision for happy long marriage. I ruptured last night and realized, I cannot make a marriage flourish alone. I live in grief everyday waiting, hoping, growing, adding newness as his heels stayed stuck -steadfast in the earth. I banged on the door of his closed hurt heart after I loving and inviting him into mine. I ruptured when it really hit me, hopelessness, as his perceiver lens seductively tricks him into seeing life so gloomy and so sad. He became his parents, I realized last night, and I became the victim –him.
    So rupture as it may. I am on a flight to Las Vegas and I pray the Universe has awesome plans for me as I stopped myself from living life fully-my tag line- for many years. I felt like a charlatan, I want for us all to live ife fully.My Self esteem plummeted and now I understand why. He was on the man panel and he spoke so eloquently about communication styles that he never did. I wanted to cry and open up then, over 7 years ago….All illusion. Illusion ruptured last night. Now I am feeling the sadness and will rewire, recalibrate somehow so my real life can begin and I can find love with radical honesty without fear of his retaliative manner, make the money I put on hold so he could be the bread winner and feel successful—I had a thinking problem—- HIm first, Me second. No, no , no—-SELF HONOR, Women, is the name of this game of LIFE.

  • SG Debra October 30, 2013, 10:34 am

    I have had the great good fortune to be alive and telling the tale of the 2 things most human beings are terrified of and do everything to avoid. DEATH AND A CANCER DIAGNOSIS
    AND I ALWAYS say diagnosis as I never HAD anything other than that. When the diagnosis is over, so is the Dis-Ease
    In 1984 I had a near death experience in a car wreck that crushed my left rib cage, punctured my lung and left my heart vulnerable as ALL the ribs around my hear had been broken.
    The story is a tad long for here, but a man asked me if I were ready…AND I cannot describe the ecstasy of having this physical life over…Pure blissful freedom…He then asked me if I finished what I came to do and I realized I had to go back….and until the diagnosis I lived, waiting to die.
    After the diagnosis I realized, I had my shot, but I also had a 15 year old daughter and while being married to and divorcing her father had brought me to my knees (AND I believe the stress contributed to the diagnosis) I had decided to Choose Life…MY LIFE…in all it’s funky glory.
    I had done work with Gabrielle Ross years before and knew her rhythms were within me and I moved through so much grief and joy. I had moved a month before the diagnosis so I was in a town with no friends and family and had to go through all the treatment ALONE…
    THere was a moment when I was being infused with chemo, I had lost all of my lovely hair (EVERYWHERE) and I was alone and I was listening to a sacred sanskrit chant and I WAS ECSTATIC!!! Going through what anyone would do anything to avoid…I WAS ECSTATIC!!
    WHat I put back into my bones was the wisdom that there is nothing and nobody that can cause my distress. I create it or I create something else…
    When you come across anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis, PLEASE do not look at them with pity…See you if you can help them extract the wisdom they got…The pity is clearly your own fear…if you knew what there was to be learned, you would fear nothing.

  • Flamingo Flame M October 30, 2013, 5:03 am

    Dear Mama,
    I’ve been in a state of cracks for 5-6 years(i’m 31). Last 12 months I’ve been so (even more) without power, fighting myself, more insecure than in times of greatest health and family issues. And all this time pushing forward. Every thought in my mind tells me I have to push forward or else- I’ll dive into depression. Please explain rupture more closely to me. I’ve been falling apart in a well controlled way. I feel like a nuclear reactor waiting to explode, only duct tape preventing me. Felling all those feelings you mentioned, despair, resentment resentment, resentment, guilt for whatever reason and feeling of not being present, dwelling on a lost lover, blaming myself for blaming myself. Mostly tired of this middle state, not feeling completely happy, and not allowing my self to FEEL the bad.
    Love,
    M

  • Goddess from Oz October 30, 2013, 3:04 am

    I too went through a period of devastation when I lost much and felt I had little support. I came across this saying which I absolutely love
    “When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”. Wish I could credit the author so if anyone knows please post it.
    It’s true that period of my life has made me stronger and definitely more discerning about who and what is in it!! I went through a brutal letting go phase as I recovered, this included people, places and things.
    It has taught me to live my life by design and not by accident.
    So to all you lovely SG’s out there rupturing away, trust that it will end and that it will be a cathartic experience and make you appreciate with much more depth the sunshine that is to come.xxxx

  • Michaela October 29, 2013, 10:38 pm

    Ahhhhhhh! Rupture is here! I’m so relieved you mentioned we’re not taught to feel! That we stuff down, or drown out, our feelings because we haven’t been taught how to feel what’s a bit more gnarly or intense. I have been letting go of the numbing agents one by one, and I feel CLUELESS as what to do next. I am in the midst of what feels like a physiological regression. My face was always a point of high anxiety – red, and would get redder w/ attention. I feel like I’m back there again, feeling self conscious, wanting to hide… Ha! Damn you Mama! 😉 My insides are now on my outside. Again. But this time w/ more wisdom and a bigger tool bag. I’ve been feeling such intense physiological sensation as well – anxiety where I can sweat through anything, intense frustration, more easily accessed tears, or a feeling of quiet sadness that I can’t hide. I want to let go. I don’t know how to fully let go. I don’t see any other alternative BUT to let go. I’m cresting into a new life, but there’s also an element of being dormant. I’m SO quiet. And alone. A lot. I’m selective of what I’m doing. I’m noticing what lights me up, and choosing to have more of that. I’m learning what it is to just be. I’ve been around more people who I can just “be me” w/ (HUGE). I’m seeing how ALL I’ve done is allude and avoid others and my life, and now I’m seemingly starting to stop… I feel like I’ve broken the spell, or the snow globe, or I’m Truman tearing through the set – which feels elating AND devastating. I feel empty, and Pussy is quiet. When I try over and over again to hear her whisper to me, I do get guidance. I know she’s there, and that is a GREAT comfort. The majority of time as of late, I feel crushed by my nothingness, and ashamed of my misfit nature that I don’t have a tribe, a sense of self, or that I’m not cruising towards my next major goal in my mapped out life. I’m AVOIDING myself! I’m waiting!! For what?!? Ugh! For me? This feels so ridiculous that I have NOTHING in my way but me, and still I sit. And wait. This sucks. I want to care, but don’t about much. And that makes me feel great shame, and totally freakish. I feel like every thing I clung to has shown itself to be an illusion. I feel like I have to create my life in MY image, and again that is simultaneously exciting, and soul crushingly hard.

    • Flamingo Flame M October 30, 2013, 5:18 am

      Thank you for your open honesty. You described exactly how I feel.

      I just want to let go, let everything not worth my attention fall apart. Ive been giving my attention to so many people and things..being too considerate
      So I guess I,m not alone.
      Hold on sister!

  • Jessica Johnson October 29, 2013, 8:07 pm

    This made me want to cry. This is exactly where I am right now. Everything is “fine” and “OK” because even though I know better I’m so afraid to go there. I know I shouldn’t fight the process and find the right in the now but oh Goddess do I wanna flee from the blech that is my life right now.

  • joan October 29, 2013, 5:33 pm

    I know all about rupture and and you have hit the nail on the head again, Regena, in the way you describe it. Now that I am not in rupture I look at those rupture times and wonder how I got through them without the SWA tools. In 2011 I helped my mother-in-law, Ruth, as she faded from this life and the family stress was tremendous. A month after she passed away, her step daughter, Carol, who had become one of my closest friends, was hit by a car as she walked home from having lunch in her small midwestern town. We were talking on the phone at the time and, suddenly, she stopped talking. When I called back I got a policeman who had her cell phone and he told me she was being airlifted to a big hospital. She was taken off life support a fee days later and passed away. That period was such a big rupture. I remember how bad I felt. When I took Mastery in 2013 I dedicated it to Carol who would have loved to have been around to hear my stories about the program. Instead I think she was in the room with me in spirit form, laughing and crying with us as we learned and practiced the SWA tools. I could hear her shocked gasp in my head when the pussy parade was announced. And I know she was dancing right along with me as I headed onstage. I think we SG’s carry all our deceased loved ones to Mastery with us, and that room gets even fuller with SG souls dancing and crying with their living sisters. When a woman does Mastery she takes along her female lineage and I believe it creates a positive change for all our female ancestors going back many generations. When we are unleashed, they are unleashed. When we fly, they fly. When we dance with joy they do too. So thank you, Regena for all you do for women all over the physical world– and the spiritual world as well. Rock on, Mama!! See you in Miami. (Carol is joining me there too, I am sure.)

    • SG Joan Champion of Pleasure October 29, 2013, 5:35 pm

      This is my post, but I forgot to put my whole name in above.

  • Wende Jowsey October 29, 2013, 5:22 pm

    Hey Mama,

    This is such a spiritual post from you- and so beautiful. What we judge we get to keep. Avoiding pain in order to keep it all looking groovy on the outside doesn’t work.
    I work with the dying… and it’s all of us.
    Mastery sometimes looks like the courage to sit in full presence with the heart’s capacity for loss… We don’t hear this enough. This is where Buddhism says pain is different from suffering- one has to do with necessary losses; the other with resistance to being with what is.

  • Roberta October 29, 2013, 4:07 pm

    Ruptured relationships is what Louise Hay calls = possible reasons for hernias. Using the word “rupture” for loss makes sense. I’ve had several deaths/people losses in life and have learned not to grieve extensively for them. To put closure on them. To tie the ends so the energy stops dribbling out. Now I’m coming out of another relationship/rupture, ready to start the love-in again and I find that my hips want to rotate. They want to move and sitting or standing or yoga stretching is ok, but rotating the hips is what feels good.

    As I explained to my kid and was talking to myself as I said it “These things help you acquire tools in your toolbox so the next time something like this comes into your life, you are better equipped to deal with it.” If we learn and grow, this is the truth. & rotate the hips 🙂

  • SG Ti Sugarbitch October 29, 2013, 4:01 pm

    In the last two months, I’ve been hospitalized for heat exhaustion and dehydration, taken care of my lover after his surgery, got shingles (just as painful as advertised!), and helped nurse my father during his last week of life. All that on top of a commute, full-time job, and three demanding transformational training courses. The grief for my father is clean, one of pure pain uncluttered by stories, but I am exhausted. I have no paid time off and no outside financial support. Even with good friends (including a SG who drove from SF to Oakland in commute traffic to deliver hugs, sheets, towels, and panties and another who brought food, slippers, and jewels to my parent’s house and held my hands while I cried), I can’t see how to make time for rupture. The work has to be done. I’ve got to buy groceries. Etc., etc., etc. I SC and cry when I can. What else can I do? I’m losing glow!

  • Free October 29, 2013, 3:20 pm

    Its Fall
    Falling appart yes I like to Share some more details of my falling apart rupture chaos ~ even if I did not get as much joy out of my Mismi stay as I could have seeds were there and for that I am very greatful mama gena. I had a child at 16 and was for years compensating this ” terrible crime” by beeing the best and most intelligent gierl ( nobody should think I was stupid …) so I was best at school, university and work and raising my son alone. I had a very strong mask so for me it all did have to go ground zero to start again with me and “funny” enough I was diagnosed with a disease called M.E I had no idea that I had to loose job, friends, position, partner and almost my own life to get me back.
    It’s as the rupture forced me into the big now and here I am free and wild again. Thank you for your work and I wish I will be Abel to take your mastery one day! Hearts xxx

  • Courtesan Christy October 29, 2013, 2:33 pm

    I have been in Rupture for almost 5 years now and have difficulty relating to loving it and embracing it as a means to take me higher. In reading your post, Mama Gena, it sounds so foreign to me, like I am reading another language.

    In the past, I have been grateful for my ruptures, the loss of my first love was so devastating at the time and I remember thinking love was way to painful, and why would anyone bother. But it was a coming of age experience for me, and a year later I knew it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I broke out of my shyness shell, became a world traveller and men LOVED this woman who was not interested in having a relationship because I wanted to be free to experience life.

    So when this rupture exploded almost 5 years ago, I knew it would be ugly for a little while, but I expected to rise like a pheonix from the ashes more amazing than ever….which has yet to happen and in still being in this place so many years later all I can see is darkness and I have lost hope that I will emerge from this one, like so many of my family members have been unable to do.

    So thank you for this glimmer of hope. I look forward to diving even more into this rupture in Miami. I look forward to transforming my relationship to rupture and really getting what your post is saying and learning to love my rupture….gasp!!!

    • Lauren Harkness October 31, 2013, 4:12 pm

      I second what Clare said above. This is the greatest gift I have learned from you Regena. Thank you for showing up and showing us the rightness of rupture. Xoxoxo from the bottom if my heart.

  • Mindy October 29, 2013, 1:42 pm

    Hi gorgeous Regena

    I would say that in my early days at the SWA, I was very unaccustomed and scared of rupture (remember Maui and my suitcase that ate maui? 🙂 )

    I’ve learned that what’s on the other side is soooooooo delicious that I allow myself to be in rupture and treat it like any Season of the year.

    I am so grateful!!
    xo

  • Jean Kathryn Carlson October 29, 2013, 1:34 pm

    Four years ago I left a marriage, a business, a community, sold the house and moved away. I was excited to let all the go so I did not anticipate the grief and healing that I needed, that my body needed. I kept pushing myself to get a new business going. Yet my body kept saying not yet, not yet.
    Now, spring is coming through my body even as fall and winter are showing up in my neighborhood. I am so pleased to have energy again and so pleased that my body always tells the truth and always leads me well.

    Thank you, Mama Gena for reminding us of the gift of falling apart.

  • Rooie October 29, 2013, 1:18 pm

    In an 8 month period my mother died, my husband lost his job, we moved across the country, and my oldest daughter went off to college hundreds of miles away from me. My devastation was complete and I did not have time to mourn for one thing before the next happened. I was overwhelmed and felt required to carry on, to put a brave face on, to numb my feelings with food, smile at platitudes and say, “yes, I am feeling a bit better.” when, no, I was not. I cried a lot in my car when I could be alone. I still miss my mother at moments so intensely it is like a sharp pain or getting the breath knocked out of you.
    I try to remember that life is not a final destination all wrapped up prettily the way I want it to be. This is my life. I am living it moment to moment and there are beautiful moments within it all. I make no judgments about how long we are “supposed” to grieve or how I “should” feel about things. Take things one at a time and do not look at the whole, big, overwhelming picture at once but just at this moment and this one. I don’t feel better but I AM fine.

  • Free October 29, 2013, 12:06 pm

    Drar Regina thx for writhing about this I met you in Miami some years ago and share your name but my life was so much chaos and rupture that even meeting you & the other women did not change a thing! So it took me these years to open the fridge to my own knowledge and wisdom, to becoming a free women, and know by coincidence I even have a tattooed feather with free on my arm ~ I will go I’m more detail when I see how this thread works. Blessings !

  • Adrienne October 29, 2013, 11:56 am

    When I came to Mastery in late 2006/2007, I was in serious need of up-leveling. My dream job at a metaphysical publishing house had turned into a big, hairy dead-end, and I needed to hoist myself out of the sense of betrayal I had that they were not living up to their charter, nor their promises to me. So with massive action, I harnessed my resources and threw myself into the Mastery program, and dedicated myself to the Passion path with balanced zeal. The coworkers didn’t like it much, but my life really opened up from there.
    Even after the suicide of my fiancee (who had been an addict and didn’t like losing me) the economic crash and bouts with a life-threatening illness (which I pleasurably cured myself after firing my GI doctor!) and all of the wonderful journeys and up-levels that have occurred since then, Mama Gena’s and my Sister Goddess’s processing has worked for me!

    • Adrienne October 29, 2013, 11:59 am

      That is to say – our togetherness, the Pleasure Tools and staying in touch with my feelings have consistently helped me turned Rupture into Rapture. Now I finished my book and am continuing ahead with bringing my Big Message to life.

  • Wildcherrt October 29, 2013, 11:43 am

    Can’t see to type!
    RAPTUROUS RUPTURE.

    • Wildcherry October 29, 2013, 11:47 am

      told you…even f’d up my name – Wildcherry!

  • RedChilli October 29, 2013, 11:38 am

    phew, I have grown so much through rupture, but still when it starts, I try to keep it together, I fight with myself not letting it show and getting back into feeling good. Maybe there is something that in our culture makes you a hero going through tough stuff and still having everything under control. Being strong in this sense is an oppression. There is so much beauty, truth and the other kind of strength in being authentic and in a sense this is where I find freedom. I have learned to be more and more vulnerable and transparent it is becoming a good friend falling apart but still I am not totally comfy with it

  • Lisa Katzoff October 29, 2013, 11:35 am

    I thought I would respond to this because I have not been on the boards in ages and I so miss all my sister goddess friends! I am in the midst of a very whirlwind time of lots of events in my music career. How well do I think I handle things when my life is in crisis? Well, honestly, not too well! Often when I am in crisis I handle it by creating a lot of attention on just me. Sometimes it works great and I enjoy acting out the drama, but at times it can be quite childish and selfish. Other times crisis forces me to get very creative and I love it when that happens! A few years ago when my best canine friend died after raising her and enjoying her company for over 14 years, I translated the raw and painful emotions of rupture into words and wrote a wonderful song called “Breaking Everywhere. ” I’t was all about how my heart broke everywhere I went and all the time I thought of her. (It’s going to be on my upcoming album and it’s one of the best things I ever wrote. ) It allowed me to experience the grieving process and rupture full force and I don’t think I could have gone on with out doing that. As part of the process, I held a funeral for her and cried my eyes out for days and weeks. I called my girlfriends for help and I realized that by grieving for my beloved pet I was also grieving for both of my grandmothers who had died. My grandmothers were cremated and I felt like I never really got to say goodbye properly, so it was important for me to have a funeral to acknowledge all of my feelings of great loss. Often I live in the land of ‘ok’ or ‘fine and hide my real emotions behind a cloud of ditzy happy- go-luckiness. I don’t cry much normally, but I do pretend I do not know how to navigate tremendous change, because when I get help from others it brings a lot of attention to me, and I love attention! But if I really let go, I do find a way to lose myself, and the funny part is that I am really powerful and very capable of handling a lot more than I let on! I can only play the victim for so long before I do know ultimately how to find myself and my power. But what I was taught about all this when I was growing up was that it looks better to be a victim and powerless. I was taught to always ask for help, to the point thatnow it often makes me crazy and I forget what I really want. It impacts the way others see me: sometimes I am a complete space cadet to them because I am always questioning things.
    I would really love to change the way others see me, but in order to do that I probably need to stand up tall and not ask for help all the time. Sometimes in life you just need to buck up, and go through things and just do what you can. And sometimes you are not okay, not fine. And that thing you want to do when you are not okay and not fine is cry your eyes out, bawl, and holler and scream and just be fustrated, angry and sad all at the same time, and ask for help, and be like a child. But to be a woman is to know when to let that child out to play and when to just hold her and let her sob, and also when to tell her to grow up and do things for herself even during hard times. For me, rupture is also about getting rid of that babyish thing that leads me to doubt myself all the time and live in fear of what others think. Imagine if we all got rid of that fear and self doubt for just a few moments, how our lives would change! Imagine what our desires would be then, and what we would create! Basically after rupture, you eventually become free to to desire again, and desire is the key to enjoying life! The more you let yourself desire things, the more you will get what you want and the more you will find pleasure. Pleasure is on the other side of rupture, and so if you fully experience rupture you can also fully experience pleasure.

  • Amy Elias, MS aka SG Stilletto Yoga October 29, 2013, 11:16 am

    When my aunt chose to hang herself, my life fell apart. I did headstands and handstands. I turned MY life upside down. It already was. I homeopathically applied the Law of Hormesis: Like cures like. When my Dad died, two years ago I laid by his bedside for two weeks until he whipped through that revolving door of Life, I retaliated and went with this very natural vicissitude of life and life-affirmed to get Real, Raw and Rowdy and demanded of myself to go for my dream, because the TIME is NOW. I AM is MY MANTRA and to live without apology to be so real it woud scare me and others. I took not more mediocrity and decided to become and EXPERT ON MYSELF. My mission. To become the latest greatest version of me, NOW. Not then, not later. And to be so authentic that I have no competition because I am one in 400 TRILLION chances to land here on THIS side of the revolving door of life with the exact DNA I have and the family and friends and al the people I share the planet with. That is how I deal. I feel the shit, smush it all over, process and then go for the distillation of life..we are here. That is fucking awesome.

  • Marcella Zappia October 29, 2013, 11:14 am

    As always, the right articles, words and information appears to me when I need it most. From the outside all looks perfect. After a suicide attempt 5 years ago, I am have found a new and healthy relationship and subsequent marriage, the ability to inspire other’s through my blogs and now upcoming show on Voice America’s Health and Wellness channel to help others. All looks good right? No, I still wake up and think – fraud! I am not worthy enough, who am I? The loss of young innocence, a past 20 year marriage, the false identity I built for myself that I was to help and heal everyone else as I stumbled around wondering what happened to the little girl inside! I feel sad when happiness should be flourishing. I writhe in silent pain but use my movement through my Nia practice to help work through this. How do we cope when we feel we should be”healed” but know we are always healing? How do we mourn the loss of oursrlves and allow the potential for our greatest selves to comes out?

  • Colleen Hannegan October 29, 2013, 11:08 am

    Thank you for this MG. My father passed away peacefully, two mornings ago, while I held his hand in mine. What an amazing father to his 12 children and 55 grand and great children. He was LOVE in my life. My family was prepared for him to leave and yet, so not ready at all. I find myself breathing shallow as he did those last days of his life. A life line I’d held for 58 years, gone. In your words, my ruptured heart is bleeding out the love he had for me so I can better share my light with the world. Oh how it hurts and yet, it’s the most pure and beautiful feeling in the world. I will do well to embrace this mourning time and stop pushing it along and all the “what’s next” that wants to present itself. Time to be here now in this, the echo of his love and the song it has birthed in me. God bless.

  • Sally Reeves Conway October 29, 2013, 10:48 am

    I’m in rupture right now. And she’s guiding me firmly and clearly every step of the way,… if I don’t fight her. Sometimes she’s telling me to move, say something, do something, and sometimes she’s taking me down to the floor and pushing ancient sounds out of my mouth.

    We just lost a young family member.

    My brain says, this is the time I should be scheduling fall workshops, getting back to emails sooner, following up with hot clients, being there even more family…and if I listen, rupture says, ssssshhhhhhhhhh……and then moves my body to do, or sit with, the next best thing. I sense that I will be a different person on the other side of this, and I can’t rush it.

    Little pleasures aren’t doing it for me right now. Little comforts are. Nature is comforting.

    I’m feeling everything. I’m listening. I’m trusting her. I keep breathing.

    • Lynda November 2, 2013, 8:44 pm

      Your post stood out for me and I wanted to say I hear you and really respect you. With love.

  • SG Wild Woman Alex October 29, 2013, 10:45 am

    Oh Mama Gena, you’ve done it again. This post is so awesome. You have taught me how to embrace my rupture. It’s been hard. I’ve had so much rupture in my life that I had learned how to bury all feeling and just keep moving forward. Only it wasn’t really moving forward. It was just an illusion of moving forward. I was on a treadmill, just doing the same things I had always done to keep going. About 5 years ago, I woke up and realized this was not the way I wanted to live my life. I wasn’t happy and worse than that, I didn’t know what would make me happy. I knew what would make those around me happy, but what about me? What I found was a lot of hidden pain. I conjured experiences that broke me open and into millions of pieces so that I could put myself back together again. This time with ample space to feel everything — joy, pain and everything in between. This time with way more compassion for myself. This time with attention to what I desire. And this time with space to receive. Oh, so delicious to receive. Thank You Mama Gena and all the Sister Goddesses! I have deep gratitude to you all.

    Alex

  • Lori October 29, 2013, 10:23 am

    Like most of us in life I have had my joys and my sorrows. Right now as a 1 1/2 year relationship ends I learned something very valuable. First let me say I am grateful we parted as friends, that only want the best for each other. I told him how grateful I was for all his kindness to me. But it still a loss of a dream and a future that is now longer in motion.
    Every day I practice gratitude, thanking people for all of the good I see in them. AND THEN IT HIT ME! I never tell myself how grateful I am for being a person who always sees the best in others. I never tell myself how grateful I am for all the good qualities I possess. So now every morning as I am in my meditation I thank God for all of my many blessings, put out my intentions for my day, andI give myself gratitude for being a child of God with a purpose to love and be joyful. It is not selfish to be grateful to yourself for being strong, compassionate, loving and all the things that make us unique. God, the Divine Being or whatever your faith calls our stronger power made us all. Isn’t it letting the High Power down by not acknowledging that we are amazing indivduals? So thank you God for making me just as I am. I am strong, confident, loving and in a loving relationship with myself. I will continue to practice gratitude every day and that gratitude will include me.

    • Val October 29, 2013, 7:27 pm

      Great point Lori!! I have ended a relationship after 3.5 years, and I never thought about thanking myself for this positive spin either! So good at beating myself up for picking the broken ones. Wow! I love it and so kind. Thanks for the reframe. xoxo

    • Amy Elias, MS aka SG Stilletto Yoga October 30, 2013, 6:52 pm

      OMG! THIS IS RADICAL. Bottle it and share it. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

  • Barbara October 29, 2013, 10:22 am

    I dance. Seriously – DANCE. I take a professional dance class once a week, and I never miss it.

    Last August, I had a sudden and devastating loss. A young person that I was close to died. I was a mess. But I dragged myself to class anyway. And I was horrible – couldn’t spot, couldn’t turn, couldn’t remember the routine. Finally stepped off the floor because I was afraid I was going to dance into someone and hurt them, or trip and injure myself. Walked into the lobby and burst into tears.

    In my effort to recover in the next few weeks, I went to a baby shower (reaffirming life) and to the Renaissance Faire (pleasure). The next time I went to that same dance class, I danced through the grief. I could feel my brain and body chemistry changing during the routine. I came back into my body, felt pleasure, and thought loving things about my lost friend – he was a dancer too. By the end of that 1 1/2 hour class, I was in a different place. And things got better from that point on.

    All the things I did to help me grieve were valuable. But that dance class helped the most.

  • Talya Klein October 29, 2013, 10:16 am

    This post is, of course, so timely and perfect for my current state of being. In September I conjured the most glorious, amazing man. He showed up as everything on my desire list and more. He was fulfilling secret desires that I had written down in Mastery #1 and told no one about. He was open, brilliant, honest, surprising and falling deeply in love with me, and my authentic self. And I for him. He wrote me delicious love letters. He courted me. It felt like the fruition of a desire I have held in my body and soul so deep and for so long, it felt like ANCIENT hunger fulfilled.

    Two weeks ago, we had some sort of misunderstanding about meeting up which then snowballed into him saying he needed to take a few days to think. Knowing he was dealing with some personal stress in his family and at work, I gave him the space. But when two weeks went by and never contacted me again, despite my most goddessly requests, I was devastated, heartbroken. I’ve always had a deep terror of people leaving me with no explanation. My mother used to do it all the time when I was a child and I used to keep vigil for her by the door until she returned and told me her leaving wasn’t my fault. This situation awoke every terror I had around that with a screaming fury.

    I knew that if I want BIG LOVE I’m in for a big ride, with all of the big emotions that come with it. I knew if ever there was a time to use the tools, it is now. I brag that I used this time as an opportunity to release my fear that I make people run away. I sat with the howling child of my terror and was still in the presence of her sadness. I went for walks, I nurtured my body, I cried. A lot. I called my mother and we talked about that time in my life when she would disappear. We made peace about it. I got really grateful for my brief love affair. I stayed in that place long enough to write this man a truly beautiful thank you note, releasing him with deep love. I then got in my car drove to my parents’ house in Vermont and took refuge. I took long walks and cried my heart out in the high grass. I ate apples off the tress and cried some more. I was in deep mourning for what felt like the miscarriage of my great love affair. I took hot baths and read “Sense and Sensibility”, the heroine of which, suffers a similar devastating heartbreak and loses a love only to find something better. I remembered SG Becca losing her love to cancer months after they fell in love, and looked at the pics on Facebook from her recent wedding to her new beloved. I held onto my faith that there was a plan here that I couldn’t see. I cried more. I expressed gratitude that I had used this as an opportunity to let go of past hurts, and to know that in my heart of heart that I was deserving of love, and that my imperfections had not caused this. I made sure I didn’t assume anything of his silence or his disappearance. I made sure my heart was not learning regret over falling so deep so fast for some one, or giving into the whole vindictive “fuck him” energy that kept making the situation wrong. I tried to bless the situation through my pain. And the pain was exquisite. I thought of all of those lonely nights I spent eating my feelings and longing for love and I thought, “Now this is living.” I surrendered.

    I remember you saying there is great power in surrender. I am also trying on the possibility that the idea is bullshit that when one is not “in love” one is somehow “out of love”. I’m trying to keep all of the wonderful feelings of connection and love alive in me, knowing I co-created and conjured something beautiful, albeit all too brief. I’m treated myself the same way I treated myself when I thought of myself as this man’s beloved.

    It’s awful, awful, terrible awful to lose something so quickly, senselessly. But there is a glorious walk-through-the-fire immortal power I can feel rising in my bones as a result of surviving it.

    SG Talya

    • Tracy October 29, 2013, 10:37 am

      Thank you SG Talya, that is so beautifully written, I’m using it as my manifesto as I go through a similar time, xxx

    • Suzi Banks Baum October 29, 2013, 10:52 am

      Love you baby. Love you big. xooxoxS

    • janine December 5, 2013, 11:15 am

      Woah, SG Talya…

      Reading your share caused me to tear up. I needed to see yours. Thank you for sharing. It helped me.

  • Carol Fitzgerald Tyler October 29, 2013, 10:06 am

    I lost my closest friend on June 23rd after a two year journey through a rare form of cancer (bile duct). The “rupture” has been horrific – and although I am trying to embrace the feelings and go through it – the pain is outrageous. The good outcome is that I am stronger than ever, and I stand in the force of nature that I have re-become because of this battle, however, the dropping to my belly, the absolute devastation has been a learning experience I never expected. I have learned to embrace it – and it really has made me so much stronger. I know now that I can withstand anything.

  • Lialia Iamaldinova October 29, 2013, 10:06 am

    MAMA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
    YOUR LETTER CAME TO ME AT THE MOMENT THAT I EXPERIENCE THE BIGGEST AND MOST AWFUL RUPTURE IN MY LIFE.
    THE MAN WHO I LOVE AND WITH WHOM I CONSTRUCTED THE RELATIONSHIP OF MY LIFE, EXPERIENCE SISTER GODDESSES TOOLS, LEFT ME AND DOESN’T WANT TO BE BACK.
    I PRETEND TO BE OK BUT I SUFFER. I CRY INSIDE EVERY MINUTE.
    THANK YOU. UNIVERSE SENT YOU TO ME FOR TO REMIND ME THE BASIC AND ENCOURAGE ME FOR TO MAKE JUST ONE SIGNLE STEP FORWARD AND TO REMEMBER THAT I AM STILL SISTER GODDESS.
    NOW I KNOW. I AM NOT ALONE
    THANK YOU 10000000000000000000000000 TIME SISTER

  • Sue D October 29, 2013, 10:04 am

    Seventeen years ago today I experienced a rupture when I lost my father. I was a horrific, traumatic, terrifying experience watching him die and then having to relay the news to my mother. I was up to my ass in grief and trauma. It took me a long time to pull through. Once I did, I realized that I had been given an amazing gift. I came to realize that I am able to handle anything put in front of me. And equally as important, I was able to laugh again.

    Thank you so much for your timely blog.

  • Erin Warhol October 29, 2013, 9:47 am

    Thanks for this loving reminder to embrace rupture. I appreciate your leadership in naming it and showing how you are doing it. My tendency would be to disconnect from disruption, to distance myself, to avoid it or numb it away. Perhaps the most sneakiest way I do this, is to chastise myself for not being better at transcending rupture. You know, telling myself I am not doing this healing thing right, perhaps if I were a better spiritual being, I would not feel so bad. Ugh! I love how you gently point out, that rupture is in service to our own well-being, and that embracing rupture is what is called for… what is asked for… what serves us. Thanks once again, for your guidance, you have been an inspiration to me…. for many years!

  • Ellen Levin October 29, 2013, 9:43 am

    MG Love this post! As usual, it is brilliant. YES YES YES. I have learned to be GRATEFUL for every upset and/or rupture as encoded in it is LOTS for me to learn about myself. Rupture or upset is my teacher. It’s my “divine alarm clock” going off…….telling me that something is OFF in my thinking.

    I am so grateful to have done mastery and VPBC and now ACIM teachings………

    I am releasing all judgments/opinions…….. living more and more (sometimes 24/7) in love, gratitude and forgiveness. YEAH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Changing my mind has changed everything………….all of my relationships……….and my relationship TO ME!

    I am truly grateful………. HATS OFF TO YOU for being such a catalyst in my journey

    With love and gratitude………….. (I am sorry to be missing Miami. I decided to do my eye surgery on my birthday……..11/11……… seemed RIGHT……….will miss you all …….HAVE A BLAST……….and I am sure that you will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

    xoxoxoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • In the middle of potty training 2 toddlers I lost our 3rd child and then found out my husband had cancer and died a few weeks later. Having no life insurance I started marketing PottieStickers to support us. A percentage of all sales go to cancer research in his memory. Within the year his mother died who was taking care of all of our things in Egypt. I then had 2 countries I needed to deal with all of the family things and deal with the anger, hurt, … What made it worse was having to deal with orphans court in a 3rd world country being a blonde haired blue eyed woman in Cairo…. Even the other women hated me and made my life miserable in court every chance they could get to make me chase my tail. I had to put on my big girl panties and show them who was boss and learn how to play their game and never let them break me. And how they would love to make me cry….. I threw myself into my inventions and marketing them and won many awards and Donald Trump named me best new business and entrepreneur of the year in PA…. I put my big girl shoes on….. and persevered….. 12 year later I am now reaping the benefits of finding the other half of my soul mate… who knew there was more thsn just one soul mate out there……

    • Adrienne October 29, 2013, 3:28 pm

      OMG my sweetie, that’s quite a big story!!! Masterfully bragged!

  • robin Kahn October 29, 2013, 9:43 am

    Thank you for writing about this topic, Regena. I didn’t realize that you, too, had been hit by so much all at once. It happened to me in 2009, I got separated after a 23 year marriage, I lost my job, my mother died, my 21 year-old daughter moved 3000 miles away to declare her independence, and I had to move with 2 dogs and no job.

    I was on the floor. I was in total rupture. I cried for a year and a half. I used the tools and I found a community of mostly gay men, caregivers and people with life threatening illnesses in NYC (Friends In Deed) where I could come and grieve and know that I wasn’t alone. They saved my life. I moved one block away in SoHo — I conjured the perfect home with the perfect friend — I never knew what grief was until that period of my life and honestly, it was the best and most important time of my life. I went from using food, other people, shopping, whatever distractions I could find, to feeling all the feelings I had avoided for so many years. I woke up, I grieved and I thrived. My spiritual life saved me. You saved me. This community saved me. Dancing saved me. Writing saved me. We grow the most in difficult times. And asking for help — that was the key for me. And gratitude.

    • Lorraine October 29, 2013, 4:01 pm

      Rupture – or is that rapture

      When I was 18 I was told by a Dr I had enough stress to last a lifetime (meaning events). But my life was not about to become easier……I don’t want to detail them here as I am not a victim or a survivor – but a woman, a thriving spirit.

      However, this morning I woke up with the start of migraine. No idea what caused it…….so I sat and did some honest talking with myself, about where I am going, where I have been and that another woman would not being better at this than me.

      My husband calls – I start to cry for no reason…….but it is the rupturing of my soul Of all the pain. We say I love you and hang up.

      I sit on the car under a blanket and cat. The rupture of the pain has allowed the birthing of the belief in me. I soothe others to see the best in themselves. Isn’t it time that I stop blaming myself and see myself as a strong woman – and isn’t it time that I be in awe of what I do and all the things I have faced, and lived through. Isn’t it time for me to let other women know – you can face death, disease, lose of jobs, debt, age, depression and still get though it – your way.

      I live a life that is different from others – but that only now am I seeing the courage that takes. To say – this is what life is about – I am doing it my way – and it may make you uncomfortable but I will not deny myself so you can feel better.

      Sometimes we have to go through the darkness, sometimes we are so stubborn that the only way is up – and we can only get there when we can finally admit our darkess beliefs and be willing to cast them into the light and learn to live – our way

  • Pam October 29, 2013, 9:36 am

    I find the idea of loving rupture extraordinarily hard to connect to. I was raised to be a strong independent woman who does not EVER let negative stuff get in the way of forward movement. Love the sadness and the pain? I can’t see how. But these feelings DO get in the way of my ability to move forward. Especially when I try to avoid them.

    I even find it hard to identify (let alone connect to) my ruptures, though I know there have been many (losing a brother, parents separating, abortions, failing to complete major goals, divorce, heartbreak, miscarriage, divorce, financial insecurity, deep loneliness …).

    By pushing my feeling of those ruptures aside, they have been given free seats on my ride through life. And my vehicle is full to the brim! But still, I don’t know how to do this. To scream and rant? How inappropriate and embarrassing! To cry and be transparent? How annoying and useless.

    After a life lived by the rule of “keep on keeping on” … how do I stop and feel? I just simply don’t know. I don’t know what is really getting in the way of my doing the actions needed to really feel the pain and the sorrow so that I can move on. Dance? It doesn’t feel right. Scream? It doesn’t feel safe. HELP!

    • Ronda October 30, 2013, 10:20 am

      I’m in a similar spot. I am transitioning from college to the real world and having a pretty difficult time with it. I reached a low point a few nights ago.

      I feel like this article’s timing is perfect, except that I don’t know how to embrace this sadness and loneliness without it consuming me all throughout the day and hindering my productivity at work.

  • BSG Glitzy Cougar Karen October 29, 2013, 9:36 am

    Growing up in an alcoholic home left me trying to fix everybody, including the man I would one day marry, at age 23, after an unhappy, empty 5 year “courtship”. Actually, there was no courting. It was him avoiding and me chasing the rejection. I “caught” him finally…dream fulfilled. Except it was a nightmare that I created out of my total lack of self-worth. “If I just love him enough, I can make him all better and then he will love me.” Not.

    It became 25 years of emotional abuse, rejection. Since he traveled all the time, I was like a single mom with a good paycheck. And the gift was my wonderful kids. BUT there was a secret to my workaholic spouse. He traveled not only to avoid me but to enhance and hide his addiction…he was a porn addict with a dominatrix in another state.

    All the questions I’d had about his sexual rejection were finally answered in the last 4 months of our marriage. It brought me to my knees, literally, and to a good lawyer! But within my terror, I also found my soul. The rupture that followed shocked me in its intensity…the pain, the guilt, the hurt, the sadness, but also the amazing journey it was taking me on to higher awareness of my spirit and my power.

    I was journaling my life, sobs wracking my body every night, literally crawling on the floor and raging…all of that followed by exquisite moments of bliss and peace. I read astonishing truth in volumes of books, I had amazing teachers, especially my friend, Carrie, and her deeply insightful wisdom of the 12 steps and beyond.

    I had the support of my wondrous son and daughter. This went on for months…about 4 years actually. And it led me to LIFE…a life of freedom, of creativity, of connection to the divine, of my life’s work, which is to take this message out via entertainment to women (and men) everywhere. And it led me here. This work, Regena, is made by the goddess. You know it, and so do I, and I am so grateful, which I why I’m going to Miami to help enroll women to discover their beautiful life. With gratitude…love, Glitzy

  • Jessicka Chamberlin October 29, 2013, 9:35 am

    Since I was very young, something inside me told me to seek the life of a courtesan. It led me towards such thorough, efficient and divine rupture, I can not express the fortitude in words. Over the years, I became so familiar & comfortable with the honing, scoping nature of rupture, I feel as if I’ve actually become addicted to epic failure.

    Chaos, comfort, joy and suffering are completely the same to me.

    And the more this all collapses, the more easily manifestation becomes and the more rupture, elation, life affirmation I find.

    Success has become synonymous with failure, no matter what I do, stay still, move forward, rebel against the world, I still succeed.

    And here’s where I’m getting stuck:

    I’m so used to ‘managing’ this rupture-elation process — defending, justifying, explaining both to myself and others, that I’m not letting myself fully completely live it full on.

    My belief is that I am simply resisting more success / rupture / failure / elation because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to handle the rapture I know is coming.

    And then when I look in, I see that that isn’t really true.

    And at the same time, something is holding me back from fully surrendering and I would give my left ovary to know what it is.

    What do you suggest?

    • mama gena October 29, 2013, 1:03 pm

      ahh, sister. i so hear you, and i so understand your spot. big sigh.
      as for what to do?
      my best suggestion: if you want an in depth guide in how to turn rupture in to rapture, take the swa mastery class this spring.
      (it is worth your left ovary, but the price is far less…..:-)
      xo

  • Denver Diva Karen October 29, 2013, 9:33 am

    Learning through the SWA that rupture deserves a seat at the table of my life, I have embraced it fiercely. When my mother died a few years ago, I leaned in, I wailed, I grieved and like you wore my inside on the outside. Currently in a rupture in my love life and judging that it hasn’t turned out the way I expected, I realize it has turned out exactly as it is supposed to and I have learned the worst is only temporary. I know my joy will bubble up, grab my rupture by the hand and lead her into the light.
    With so much love and pleasure I look forward to seeing you in Miami! XOXO
    SG Karen

    • mama gena October 29, 2013, 1:00 pm

      yes!! miami here we come….

  • Suzi Banks Baum October 29, 2013, 9:28 am

    Rupture leads me to higher ground, but I have to traverse the smoke hazed devastation first. I have to be washed by grief. I have learned through the SWA how to navigate immense loss, fear and sadness.
    I have learned to party where I am.
    And it just so happens that today is the third anniversary of the day I called my community together to plant daffodils among the red and orange leaves in my yard, to plant three elderberry bushes to mark the death of my own mother.
    Somehow, in the celebration of that grief, three years ago, I did what I learned in the SWA, to lean in to my community. So I called on them, on my neighbors and friends in my town and they gathered.
    Little did I realize that I would put in place a marker, botanical and emotional, for myself. So that today, when I woke up thinking about daffodils, my spirit landed on the tender place of grief and found that I am not alone. I have planted the healing comfort of my circle in to the land around me.
    You can bet I am going out there today to fertilize those bulbs and maybe plant a few more.
    Rupture reverberates. I like to dance with it. I know it is preparing me for my next trajectory.
    I was not taught any of this as a girl. Grief was swallowed whole. I choked on it. I witness family members for whom grief comes with shame for showing strong emotion. I saw tears and anger in dark rooms, not out in the light of day.
    I am living this differently today.
    I am learning to let myself be found in every region of myself.
    I am learning not to hide from Rupture.
    Thanks to you Mama Gena.
    We mark the beginning of a new legacy for women.
    Today, in the leaves, I will be tossing them up in the air for you.
    And for me.
    And for all of us.
    xooxox S

    • mama gena October 29, 2013, 1:00 pm

      thanks for the toss, sister!
      xo

    • SG C'mere Kitty October 30, 2013, 10:09 am

      I am grateful for your sharing your story. You reminded me of an obvious but disregarded feeling of funk that’s been perplexing me. This month is anniversary of a death of my father. To emembrance that and to bring that forward actually make me feel better and rather settled. Thank you for inspiring my revised outlook.

  • wild orchid October 29, 2013, 9:25 am

    Dear Mama,

    Thank you so much for this timely article! Yes, once again I feel like my fucked up life is falling apart, but you know what? I’m really fucking sick and tired of trying to hold it all together…to make it work, to scramble, to fix it all, to hide the imperfections. I feel done! Let the chips fall where they may! Let the fucking thing fall apart. Thank you for this reminder not to fear the dark, the ugly, the less than perfect. It’s what my life is, and I do want to embrace the contradictions and the messy and just fucking LIVE! I can’t fix it all.

    • Ellen Levin October 29, 2013, 9:48 am

      Love your surrender to it all………. BRAVO!

      • Erin Timm October 29, 2013, 10:37 am

        EXACTLY! And the dark/pain/shit never lasts forEVER, so feel it while it’s there! Acknowledge it, fer cryin’ out loud! XOXOOO

    • SG C'mere Kitty October 30, 2013, 9:19 am

      Wild orchid, I feel a beautiful you blossoming!

  • Laura Jacobs October 29, 2013, 9:16 am

    At 21 and 26 I had 2 abortions. 10 years later I married a man who did not want children I persevered and I got pregnant . 9 weeks later I miscarried
    It has been a deep hurt that I have no children. I have surrounded myself with wonderful children nieces nephews by birth and choice. I have mentored wonderful people in my business and life coaching. The pain brought out my talents of empathy,wisdom, listening and above all the ability to love those that were not mine.It has given me a strength I never knew I had . I realize life can be sweet even when pain exists. It does not define me It does impact my soul and I forgive myself often for the past choices I made.

    • Erin Timm October 29, 2013, 10:35 am

      Laura, I admire your open-heartedness and love for yourself. You’re amazing and brave. <3

    • mama gena October 29, 2013, 12:59 pm

      you have made a gorgeous inspiring choice, laura.

    • Sass October 29, 2013, 3:46 pm

      Beautiful transparency and sharing, Laura!

    • SG C'mere Kitty October 30, 2013, 9:17 am

      I’m grateful for your share. My favorite frame is “the pain brought out my talents…”

  • Clare Stevenson October 29, 2013, 9:15 am

    The greatest gift the SWA has given me is this appreciation of rupture and devastation. To know that inside every desperate sadness, anger or feeling of hopelessness is the next step forward that will take me higher than I thought possible. Revolutionary!!

    • mama gena October 29, 2013, 12:59 pm

      thanks for this, clare.
      xo

    • Carla October 29, 2013, 6:04 pm

      Thank you SG Clare… I needed to hear this today!

      Carla

    • SG C'mere Kitty October 30, 2013, 9:15 am

      Yes!