Partying with Your Inner Bitch

Welcome to the sixth installment of our 8-week summer series, The Womanly Arts Unplugged, in honor of our upcoming course, Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp! This week, Jocelyn, a Mastery Grad from New York City, joins us to teach about the Womanly Art of Partying with your Inner Bitch!

Jocelyn, Age 35 – Comedian & Director of Corporate Events

jocelyn_photo_-_editedTo me, The Art of Partying with Your Inner Bitch is the practice of nurturing your inner authority. Your Inner Bitch is the strong person in you that knows what’s best for you and wants you to stand for what will make you happy, and bring out your highest possible self.

We have so many external authorities that tell us who we should be and what we should do. Partying With Your Inner Bitch means you are in touch with your inner boss, who trumps all the “shoulds” imposed upon you. She is one smart cookie, and she deserves to be listened to. She is your higher power, your self-respect, your truth.

Before I go any further, let’s talk about the word “Bitch,” because it can be misleading, to say the least. It’s an insult, the one thing women are taught to avoid being called. However, the Art of Partying with your Inner Bitch gives this taboo word a whole new meaning — a word that can also be read as “Babe in Total Control of Herself.”

Your Inner Bitch is not rude, or cruel at all. She is the antithesis of being a self-sacrificing doormat. Practicing this Art is about feeling in control of your experience, rooted in self-respect; knowing what you want and being unwilling to compromise your standards. In fact, when you truly party with your Inner Bitch, you and everyone around you benefits.

When I came to the School of Womanly Arts in 2008, my Inner Bitch and I were not friends. I was a busy, stressed out lawyer — I was not having a lot of fun, and I was certainly not making room in my life to just let loose and rage. When I found Mama Gena, I devoured her book, went for an orientation session and signed up for her class on the spot. It was such a wakeup call, learning that a woman can own all of herself, and that pleasure can be her modus operandi.

Out of all of the tools and the arts, Partying with Your Inner Bitch is definitely one of my favorites — I can’t wait until we cover it in Boot Camp this Fall. It gives me such freedom and power, and I think the world would be a more peaceful and fun place if everyone mastered this Art!

What happens when a woman is not Partying with her Inner Bitch?

Jocelyn MGMama Gena says, “The only way your dark side can work against you is if you don’t own it.” It’s very true. Because if you don’t own your darkness, that means either you deny it and don’t even recognize it exists, or you know that she is there but you are constantly pushing her aside and telling her to shut up. That’s very destructive, because that means that there is a large part of you who is not getting her needs met.

The biggest consequence of not getting your needs met is that all this frustration is bottled up, and you become more and more frustrated, and eventually, it erupts. We all know women like that — or we’ve been a woman like that — she is like this bubbling cauldron of frustration and unmet needs, and then BAM, something triggers her and she just blows up.

Before coming to the School of Womanly Arts, practicing the Art of Partying with Your Inner Bitch, and really learning healthy ways to move my anger through me, I used to feel this way a lot. I’d walk around right at boiling point and something really minor like someone cutting the line in front of me would trigger me and I’d feel this crazy rage. That’s a clear sign that a woman is not in agreement with her Inner Bitch.

The other thing I see a lot, and have experienced, is that when a woman’s Inner Bitch is not free, and her needs are unmet, that anger and frustration gets converted into depression, sadness and numbness. In my opinion, depression is a common coping mechanism for women who do not party with their Inner Bitch, and can be a way of dealing with unexpressed anger. Think about it — in our society, anger from women is not accepted or embraced. It’s generally met with disgust and disapproval. However, depression can often be met with sympathy, care, and meds. So I think some women subconsciously choose depression, because it’s more palatable to the society we live in.

I experienced that throughout my teenage years. I was a feisty one, and was so spirited as a little girl. I could be argumentative, very inquisitive, and was always questioning authority. In my upbringing, this was always shut down and admonished, so I  internalized that and shut down my spark, because I learned it wasn’t okay to be angry, and that people would not love me when I was angry. Soon enough, around age 14, I started becoming depressed.

In a weird way, it was easier for other people to relate to me depressed than relate to me being alive. But it is not our natural state to be to be depressed. In my experience, it means you are pressing down on the real you, literally depressing the part of you that wants to come out and share itself with the world. When I’m depressing my anger, I’m also depressing my gifts, my truth, my voice, my power. And that actually takes a lot of energy! To live a life where I’m not fully expressing myself and sharing what I have and who I  really am — that’s very painful.

I once heard an analogy that I think explains this concept well. Picture being in a pool with a bunch of beach balls. The beach balls are your Inner Bitch — the parts of you that are angry, sad, frustrated, afraid, or any other unwanted emotion. So there you are in the pool, and you’re trying to keep all the beach balls under the water — you’re holding one down with each hand, trying to hold others down with your feet. As you can imagine, this is impossible, and very quickly one will pop up to the surface, and then another, and then another. It’s exhausting to keep all of that under the surface.

This is the emotional experience of repressing your Inner Bitch. If you let her be, she is a blast and is there to deliver you important wisdom. If you try to keep her down, she’ll exhaust you and really make things difficult!

I see the Art of Partying with Your Inner Bitch as a 3-step process: Acknowledging, Accepting, and Embracing.

Step One: Acknowledging Her

joeclyn_with_micIt may sound simple, but I think this first step is often the hardest, just acknowledging that your Inner Bitch exists, and being aware of her presence. As women, most of us live in total denial that we even have this side of ourselves!

In our society, and cross-culturally I believe, women are told to be nice and sweet little girls. When they express their anger, they are chastised by the adults. When boys or men get angry, it’s more accepted, and written off with something along the lines of, “Well, boys will be boys.” But when a girl or a woman expresses aggression, frustration or anger — she’s a “bitch” and needs to be kept in check.

So there is a very deep, collective agreement amongst women to deny the bitch that lives inside each of us. And to learn to be nice instead. We learn to deny that wellspring of anger, and in doing so, we’re cut off from an essential aspect of our power, our wisdom, and our truth.

I grew up in Asia, in a culture and family that had very strong expectations for girls and women to follow the rules, be accommodating, and be “nice.” As a child, I had quite a temper, and it was firmly clamped down by the school authorities, by my parents, and by my relatives.

I have a vivid memory of one of the first times I was punished and shut down for expressing anger. I was about six years old, in class, and I had lashed out at a classmate in frustration. I can’t remember what had provoked me so strongly, but I do remember what happened after. My punishment was to be spanked by my teacher in front of all the other classmates, while she explained to the rest of the students, “See,  I’m making an example of Jocelyn — here’s what happens when you’re aggressive towards others.” The message was clear and painful: there was no room for the feisty little one in me, doing her best to set a boundary.

Looking back at that little girl who I was, I know that she must have experienced something unjust to provoke that anger. I know she was justified at some level, and yet there was no inquiry made about the reason for that anger — I was simply punished and shamed, and told to be nice.

After that incident, I became labeled as the aggressive one (they didn’t use the word “Bitch”, but it’s what they meant)! I remember in school, we’d play a game called eagles and chicks — one girl would be the mother hen and she would try to protect all of her little chicks, while the eagle chased them and tried to get them. I was always chosen to be the eagle, the bad guy.

So as I got older, I modified my temper. I didn’t lash out. I didn’t express my anger. I learned to be a good girl, a model student, and very very nice.

Reclaiming and recognizing this aspect of myself, and remembering that my Inner Bitch was within me, was the first step on the way to partying with her.

Step Two: Accepting Her

The next phase is about really feeling and believing that your Inner Bitch has a right to exist, and truly accepting her presence in your life and the gifts she brings you.

For me, it became a journey of coming back to myself and recognizing that I have a voice, and that people want to hear it.

Coming to Mama Gena’s, I learned tools to express my anger in a healthy manner, discover my voice, and speak up for my needs.

One of the first times I really accepted and listened to my Inner Bitch was during the Mastery program:

My senior attorney had asked me to work over the weekend, during one of the Mastery weekend intensives. The usual “good girl” version of myself would have just accepted her fate, dragged herself to work, and simmered with resentment all weekend, and probably a lot longer. But having just learned the Art of Partying with my Inner Bitch, I recognized that the anger and resentment I was starting to feel was a signpost that I was about to be shortchanged on something important to me. My Inner Bitch was clear — I did NOT want to be slaving away in the office, instead of experiencing a life-changing weekend that I already paid so much money for.

From that point of clarity, I had the courage to step out of “good girl mode” and ask for help. I called on my colleagues to see if they would cover for me, and offered to return the favor at a later date. The beauty is, when you express a need and desire, coming from that deep knowing place, people can feel that authenticity, and are generally very willing to support you.

Thanks to accepting and hearing my Inner Bitch, I got the weekend covered and didn’t miss a minute of Mastery. And when I told my senior attorney what I had done, instead of thinking any less of me, he laughed and said “Way to go, CEO Chia!” (my last name is Chia). After that weekend, he started calling me by my new nickname, CEO Chia!

Here’s another example of my Inner Bitch saving the day…

A few months ago, I was on a plane, and I went to use the bathroom. After, I wanted to stand and stretch a little before going back to my seat, when all of a sudden, this flight attendant shouts at me, “You have to get back to your seat right now!” She yelled at me so rudely, my Inner Bitch was completely offended.

I stormed back to my seat and I was FUMING, thinking “How dare she talk to me like that? Stupid Americans don’t know anything about customer service!” I was going on and on in my mind, repeating the same angry thoughts. Thankfully, I was in the middle of my second round of Mastery, a Big Sister Goddess, and I could recognize that my Inner Bitch was expressing a need — a need to feel respected. So I decided to acknowledge her and work the tools.

After we landed, I went up to the flight attendant and said “Hi, I just wanted to say you were so friendly to everyone throughout this whole flight, so I was rather taken aback when –” And she immediately knew what I was going to say. She actually interrupted me and apologized, saying “I know, I was very abrupt with you earlier — we had just gotten a message from the captain about upcoming turbulence, so when I saw you standing there, I was afraid for your safety! I am so sorry I was so abrupt with you!”

Can you imagine, I spent an hour cursing this woman out in my mind, when she had actually been AFRAID for my safety? And if I hadn’t made space for that anger, and communicated it in a clear way, I could have carried that charge into my day and possibly my whole trip!

Imagine how many fewer misunderstandings, arguments and fighting we would have in this world, if each bit of unexpressed anger were processed and expressed in a healthy way!

Step Three: Embracing Her

Jocelyn brideThis is where this Art really comes alive. This is where the Party happens. This is where you can really get down and dirty with your Inner Bitch, and have her help you create incredible things in your life.

There is a reason Mama Gena didn’t name this The Womanly Art of Wallowing in Your Inner Bitch! The art of this practice is when you can infuse pleasure and fun into your dark side.

One of the main ways I do this is through my comedy. I am a stand-up comedian, and my Inner Bitch has proved herself to be hilarious.

Anger can be SO funny. Whenever I tell a story featuring my Inner Bitch, and invite her into my performances, people always laugh. There is something about seeing someone express righteous anger on stage that is just hilarious. I think it’s because everyone has that righteous anger, somewhere in them, and it’s so refreshing to see that freed and out in the open. It’s like, when I Party with my Inner Bitch, everyone else gets to party with theirs vicariously. You can actually feel the tension in the room release, and it’s a blast.

Here’s another fun example of really embracing and playing with your dark side. There is this guy in my life who has really inflamed my Inner Bitch, and I just boil at the mere thought of him. So here’s what I’m going to do, to Party with my hilarious Inner Bitch. I’m going to send him an anonymous present, with a note, saying “A little something from someone who has been thinking about you.” Isn’t that hilarious? Just the thought of him opening up the present and reading the note, and thinking all day “WHO is this person who has been thinking of me?” (not knowing that it is ME!) totally cracks me up! In fact, I have been dreading the day I might run into him again, but after sending him this present, I think if I ever do run into him again, I might just burst into laughter upon seeing his face!

That’s the thing about Partying with your Inner Bitch — when you don’t make her wrong, and give her room to express, you can really play with her and take everyone higher as a result.

Okay, now I’d love to hear from YOU! I’m curious what phase you’re in when it comes to Partying with Your Inner Bitch? Are you in acknowledgment, acceptance, or embrace? If you’re a pro at this Art, how do you get down with your Inner Bitch? If you’re struggling, how so? I’d love to hear your stories and adventures in this art! (Oh, and I can’t wait to help cheer on you and your Inner Bitch in Boot Camp this fall. Are you coming? See you there…)

– SG Jocelyn

In case you missed it, check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5 of The Womanly Arts Unplugged. And stay tuned for Part 7 next week. (Make sure to subscribe to our newsletter for updates!)

This summer series is our way of pre-partying for Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp, which is currently open for enrollment! Boot Camp is a distance-learning program that takes a woman deep inside each of the Womanly Arts. It includes live teleclasses with Mama Gena, carefully crafted weekly exercises, and a thriving online community. Click here for all the details!

 

  • 71 Comments · Leave One

{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }

Simin Vaswani August 12, 2014 at 9:15 am

What an honest, powerful, straight from your inner bitch, blog this is. I can feel her truth and wisdom both in the entire post. You totally live in the authenticity of this Jocelyn and it is an honor to see your light just because you have powerfully owned your dark.

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Deb Durham August 12, 2014 at 11:26 am

Ditto! Couldn’t have expressed it better.

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:25 pm

Thank you so much Simin!! And for acknowledging that you can see my light because I have powerfully owned my dark! I wish that for all women!

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Santha August 12, 2014 at 10:08 am

“Light”; “dark”…
Who said that being pissed off for very good reason, and expressing it, is ‘dark’?

That is the sword of righteousness cutting through the dark clouds of oppression, and letting the ‘light’ in — like the sun streaming through a break in the clouds of a stormy November sky. Glorious!
Why does having feelings, an opinion, a sense of self-worth, capacity, and righteousness get labelled ‘dark’ anyway?
Makes it feel much more spooky and ‘evil’ than it actually is.

But, even as I write this I feel estranged from ‘femininity’ through these words.
I guess the skill is to express skillfully and effectively, as you are describing in the examples you give, is the skill that must be ‘mastered’ to be both ‘feminine’ and true to oneself. That is the mastery to strive for.

In the meantime, if I have to choose one, I choose standing for my truth over ‘femininity’ any day. That way, what’s inside of me is REAL.

So what if they call me a bitch — those who can hear, do, and them I love.

And then, as I write THIS, I feel, lurking in the wings, all of the ways in which I have NOT been true to myself in order to please others… All that bravado is just the explosion you describe.

Much to learn, in Mastery and each day, as I learn to master myself.

Thanks for reading.

in prayer, for healing and resolution,

SG Santha

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Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked August 12, 2014 at 7:16 pm

SG Santha,

I love both what you have said and how you keep peeling back layers, right here for all of us to read.
Thanks you.

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:27 pm

Gorgeous share Santha! Yes to standing for your truth, over a societally imposed impression of “femininity” each and everyday.

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Crina August 12, 2014 at 10:51 am

Interesting…I buried her so deep…under so many layers and probably learning generation after generation to be nice…that I don’t know where to find her or how she looks like… It bursts out every now and then…in the wrong moment, with the wrong person, and then I shut her up again…

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:33 pm

Yes Crina, this way of women always behaving “nice” has been passed down from generations. And we learned in Mastery this year that all it takes is ONE woman taking a stand, to cut through the cords that tied the generations before her.

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Caliente Creatrix Mercedes August 12, 2014 at 10:59 am

You are amazing! I completely adore you. I love the re-definition B.I.T.C.H. I use that myself. I love how you party with your inner bitch and how well & juicy you give examples of partying with your dark side. Thank you for this and for reminding me to embrace my dark side. It’s time to party!

xo

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:28 pm

Thank you Mercedes! Yes indeed, it’s time to PARTAY!!!

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SG Delicious Dimples, Marlyn August 12, 2014 at 11:24 am

Thank you Jocelyn!!

The authenticity expressed through your words resonated so deeply I felt you were talking about me.
I was raised similarly in a culture which doesn’t acknowledge, let alone embrace, all facets of the feminine & worships the masculine. My 25-year run with depression only lifted this year at the age of 39; beginning, as well, at the age of 14.
I ate my Inner Bitch & she was killing me from the inside-out.

Thank you for your stories & examples on ways to use the anger healthily. Communicating with the stewardess helps me out tremendously, though I need to work my way up to sending gifts.

Thanks, again Big!!

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:36 pm

I love your comment! Thank you Marlyn!! Such an authentic share from you as well, and I am so glad my words resonated with you and are helpful!!

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SG Amazing Abundance Allyson August 12, 2014 at 11:30 am

I love love love the new definition of bitch! It is so true. Our spirits are strong and having them squashed is so devastating. I know it was for me. I have struggled with depression and the terrible effects that it has had on my life since my teen years. And you know what, I wasn’t depressed– I was so ANGRY! Now that I have learned how to honour my Inner Bitch, listen to her, respect her, my life is turning around in so many spectacular ways.
Thank you so much for your post BSG Jocelyn! You are amazing! <3

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:42 pm

I am so glad your life is turning around in spectacular ways after you started honoring your Inner Bitch! Love that you spell “honour” the British way hehe! :)

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Esther Fink August 12, 2014 at 12:10 pm

Awesome! Wow love this. I just wrote this across my daily planner so I could see it daily:

B I T C H – BABE IN TOTAL CONTROL OF HERSELF

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 9:43 pm

AHHHHH!!! I love that you wrote that across your planner!!!!!!!!

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KissMeQuick August 12, 2014 at 12:13 pm

Thank you Jocelyn for breaking it down! The Feminine, the Goddess has many faces, and not all of em are nice, sweet, loving…the Feminine is Passion in all its forms, and plenty of it! Kali is one example, the Hindu Goddess of “destruction”. She is pictured as a terrifying looking woman with a necklace of severed heads, a long blood red tongue hanging out of her mouth, wearing an animal skin skirt and with dark skin and wild hair. What Kali does is confront us with all that we consider too “negative” or scary to accept in ourselves and in our lives, and when we do accept it fully, she returns to us the power which we have disowned in service to our fears, thus liberating us. Our so called negative feelings do seem to have as their fuel a sense of helplessness/powerlessness in being able to get what we desire, it seems to me. Anger over someone trespassing our boundaries means WE WANT TO BE RESPECTED. Fear about an upcoming event means WE WANT SECURITY …and so on…and we just don’t see how we can have what we want! Hello! Back in the land of desires!!! I love my passionate feelings, all of em. I create with them as an artist…which I could NOT do when I was treating myself as I learned from my parents; making myself feel guilty for being angry or afraid or sad or hostile or whatever. Mama once mentioned in a teleclass that she actually dressed the part and played music and danced out the negative emotions she had. How genius is that??? And IT WORKS!!!! The negative dissipates quickly the less we resist it, and bonus: we do not have it coming at us as much from other people whom we may attract to act out what it is we are ourselves unable to fully own and express. Again, thanx Jocelyn!! xx

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nathan August 12, 2014 at 12:47 pm

so very well said. … as a husband to an artist i’ve learned (the hard way) over the years that what we resist persists … in fact grows … by letting the storm of emotion arrive, be felt, be acknowledged, be felt, it passes and rolls on fairly quickly.

and its truly two sides of the same coin – dark and light – it takes feeling the full range to have full, vibrant expression … cut off the anger, cut off the joy …

i’m grateful that my wife has found a way to feel her feelings fully AND also have it feel respectful of me too. she doesn’t make it about me (as most times its really not). she doesn’t express them at me – even if sometimes she asks me to be present, to ground her, to be a part of it.

i find when you express (read vomit) strong emotions onto your loved ones, it can cause all kinds of problems … so there is this interesting place of letting the storm come and roam free and be expressed AND having respect for my style, a given context, etc.

thats been this fascinating intersection and place of tension and exploration for us as she’s worked in this area

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 10:33 pm

Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts Nathan, how wonderful to hear a man’s perspective! I am so glad your wife can express her feelings fully, while allowing you to feel respected at the same time. That is a beautiful balance the both of you have struck. Well done!

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 10:25 pm

What a brilliant response, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, experience, and the example of Kali. I learned a lot from your response, thank you!!

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Jocelyn August 20, 2014 at 10:02 pm

What a beautiful share, and thank you so much for sharing with us about Kali!

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SG Catherine August 12, 2014 at 12:48 pm

I loved the part about how anger can be funny and how you use it to your advantage on stage. Thanks for this post, BSG Jocelyn!

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Jocelyn August 12, 2014 at 11:55 pm

Yes thank you! I witnessed you doing the exact same thing during Mastery Catherine!!! I hope you take that Inner Bitch of yours to the stage too!!

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Dina El Chammas August 12, 2014 at 12:50 pm

Jocelyn,

Thank you so very much for this post, it actually brought tears to my eyes at times. I also grew up with this need to stifle my anger and be a good girl. My dad was a very temperamental man and he made it clear he was the only one in the house with the right to be angry. Not fun :)

But I have learned to speak up for myself, set boundaries and ask for what I want, need and deserve. I find that there is this inner power filled “bitch” that doesn’t settle the way I used too. It is such a wonderful liberating skill to learn, and allows me to enjoy and connect with people more easily.

Recently though I’ve started to practice the “acknowledging” and “accepting” steps. For the longest time when a dark side of me arose I’d always go straight to how do I fix this. How do I rise above this base negative feeling to someone who is mature, positive and spiritual. Now I just say screw it, this is how I feel, its more than ok to feel this way and I give my bitch all the space she needs. And then I just accept that its as much a part of me as the part that is intelligent, funny, cute whatever. Incredibly liberating!!!

Now I’m looking forward to partying with the bitch :) Let’s see where that leads.

Thanks once again
Dina

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Jocelyn August 14, 2014 at 12:36 am

Wow what an amazing share! Thank you Dina! I am so touched that it actually brought tears to your eyes at times – THANK YOU for saying that.

I love that you are acknowledging and accepting your dark side, that is wonderful! I look forward to you partying with your inner bitch too! :) It’s gonna be a blast!!

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SG Jacqueline August 12, 2014 at 1:57 pm

As a new attendee of the upcoming “Boot Camp”, these articles have been wonderful to read, absorb and they get me to update my thinking and behaviour on so many things. I suppose in some ways we need to forgive the women who weren’t able to break free of their own shackles ie our mothers, grandmothers, female teachers. They didn’t have Mama Gena to guide them and the community of Sister Goddesses around the world. Each generation does so much and yet can still cause so many ongoing problems.
Thank you Jocelyn for your words of Wisdom.
SG Jacqueline xxx

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Jocelyn August 14, 2014 at 12:15 pm

Thanks Jacqueline, I am so glad you are enjoying these articles. Indeed, we actually learn in Mastery, that all it takes is one woman in a lineage to break free, to undo generations of shackles before her. Here is to freedom for ALL women past present and future!

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Rachel August 12, 2014 at 2:50 pm

Awesome job, Jocelyn! Love your write up and how you break it down. And I love this part that you said:
When boys or men get angry, it’s more accepted, and written off with something along the lines of, “Well, boys will be boys.” But when a girl or a woman expresses aggression, frustration or anger — she’s a “bitch” and needs to be kept in check.

So true. Thanks for once again being such an inspiration. :-)

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Jocelyn August 14, 2014 at 12:16 pm

You are most welcome Rachel, thanks so much for the favorite frame :)

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SG Grace August 12, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Thanks for this post, Jocelyn! I love this tool. Life has enrolled me in an excellent “seminar” for practicing it, too.

In brief, for the past year, I’ve dealt with a heart condition and all the necessary treatments, which has taught me to harness my inner authority and be my own best advocate on all fronts. It’s worked! I had a heart procedure that was successful the first time, when it’s common for folks to have multiple of them.

This part of the “seminar” I’m in now has involved dealing with insurance companies, over $150,000 in denied insurance claims, and a bunch of medical providers and the bills they send me. Talk about being jerked around and getting angry!

It was initially terrifying to take all that on while feeling so sick, but it’s ultimately been incredibly empowering. I’ve gotten really good at negotiating and asking for what I want and need…and getting it! Like getting tens of thousands of $$ in bills written off completely, steep discounts on others, just advocating for myself and being as effective as possible in my requests. Not stewing in anger, but taking action, asking for what I need and insisting on speaking to the people with the authority to help me.

I just got off the phone with one provider right before I read your post, so it was just perfect timing. Felt great to speak up for myself and find a great solution in that situation. I am so much stronger now and love it.

Thanks for the topic, Mama Gena. My life is completely different now as a result of flexing these muscles.

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Jocelyn August 15, 2014 at 4:22 pm

Hi Grace!
I am so glad you are so much more empowered!! My favorite frame is you describing that you “harness my inner authority and be my own best advocate on all fronts”
I LOVE THAT and wish that for all women!!!

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SG Ti August 12, 2014 at 3:14 pm

My SG handle is Sugarbitch, so you know I love this art! If I’m always sweet, I’m being inauthentic. If I’m always bitchy, same deal. They’re the yin and yang of me, each containing a seed of the other. My Inner Bitch says, “I’m not okay with that” when someone is speaking derisively or discounting me or others. A well-satisfied and expressed IB is a valuable ally who can inspire others to speak up for themselves. My IB is a fabulous flirt! She finds a way to lovingly handle her sword to cut through bullshit and denial. I think of myself as about as intimidating as scrambled eggs, but I know that I can quell people with one head tilt and raised eyebrow, because the power of my IB can be FELT. Ahhhh, I’m gonna buy her a present! Great article, Jocelyn. Thanks!

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Jocelyn August 15, 2014 at 4:27 pm

I CAN SO FEEL THE POWER OF YOUR INNER BITCH!!!! YES SUGAR BITCH TI!!!! And I love that she is a fabulous flirt too! How fun!!! Favorite Frame: I know that I can quell people with one head tilt and raised eyebrow, because the power of my IB can be FELT.

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T. L. Cooper August 12, 2014 at 3:57 pm

I long ago accepted my inner bitch. I believe it was the first time someone called me a bitch for standing up for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I had all the classic training that girls never show their anger, are better seen than heard, know their place, and never outshine the boys. I always hated it even when I felt I couldn’t fight it. I seethed inside, and I knew my anger was justified. As a girl and young woman, I was never taught how to use my anger to my advantage. I often vacillated throughout life between standing up for myself and downplaying my strength. I’ve blogged about it a few times. One blog came about after someone told me that sometimes I could be a real bitch… It’s titled “Okay, So Sometimes I Really Am a B****, What of It?”
I first began defining a Bitch as a Babe In Total Control of Herself in the 1990s, and I’ve never stopped.
It’s always fun to see the expression on someone’s face when you respond “Thank you.” and smile when they call you a bitch…
Interestingly, I haven’t been called a bitch in quite a long time…

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Jocelyn August 20, 2014 at 10:03 pm

Hah! What a fun share, thank you! Love the title of your blog! Feel free to share it in the comments section as well.
I need to do that!! Say thank you and smile when someone calls me a bitch. You know, back in high school, there WERE some girls who started doing that. Who knew they were so precocious!

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SG Mary Lou August 12, 2014 at 6:50 pm

Your Inner Bitch is not rude, or cruel at all. She is the antithesis of being a self-sacrificing doormat.

Love the above: this and the rest of the post was a perfect example of why and how we should Party with Our Inner Bitch! Bravo!

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Jocelyn August 20, 2014 at 10:04 pm

Thank you Mary Lou!!!

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Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked August 12, 2014 at 7:22 pm

SG Jocelyn,

Thank you for the carefully constructed lesson. I am grateful to MG for teaching me to acknowledge and love my Inner BITCH. What I have not spent time on is PARTYING with her. Thank you for the great examples of how to do this. And how to truly honor her.

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Jocelyn August 20, 2014 at 10:04 pm

Thank you so much for the acknowledgement!!

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Sherrie Huckelberry August 12, 2014 at 9:30 pm

I am so grateful for this blog …your sharing this maybe the very tool I need to take my innerbitch and face a whole grievances committee on an number of rude inter actions I experienced this summer. Now that some time n distance have been a resonable buffer for me not to launch into a wild woman rage…perhaps the art of partying my inner bitch will be expressed in away I will be an effective angent for change. ..Thank you for sharing

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Jocelyn August 20, 2014 at 10:05 pm

Thank you Sherrie, yes I hope you take your inner bitch to the grievances committee!

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Jake August 13, 2014 at 12:19 am

A well written article, and an interesting read. Lots of sexism in society is very subtle and hard to address. This article did a good job of addressing an aspect of modern sexism as well as finding constructive ways to fight against it and improve people’s lives.

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Jocelyn August 15, 2014 at 4:24 pm

I love hearing a man’s reaction to my post, thank you for sharing your thoughts Jake!!

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Sherri August 13, 2014 at 2:00 am

Great article Jocelyn! Entertaining, honest, enlightening and I especially love your 3 steps and your concrete examples!

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Jocelyn August 15, 2014 at 4:23 pm

Thank you so much Sherri! I’m thrilled that you liked it!

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Rachel August 13, 2014 at 7:32 am

Embracing the bitch & having a blast! I do give fair warning though- I’m not always nice but am honest! In 1 discussion with my father in law that he told me I was a bitch I said let’s be correct and told him I was the queen bitch from hell! Both of us were laughing. My ex was horrendous and abusive & my therapist pointed out that I came through hell & survived. I’m quite feral at times and not afraid to use it & my smart ass mouth as well! Ladies kick ass and take no prisoners! Own the bitch and don’t worry about what other people think! The results are incredibly fun and quite amazing!

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SG TINA August 13, 2014 at 8:31 am

There’s that book, Why Men Like Bitches. So apparently they enjoy it when we are like that.

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Barbara August 14, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Such a fantastic post, Jocelyn. I really enjoyed it and you did such a great job of explaining these concepts and how they work. Just wanted to upride the awesome job you did!

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Jocelyn August 15, 2014 at 3:17 am

Thanks so much Barbara!! I appreciate the upride!!!

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Susan August 15, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Barbara, thank you for supporting Jocelyn. Reading that gave me a shiver, because I normally don’t experience often that a woman is loyal to another woman. And by the way, you look HOT!

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Jocelyn August 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Thanks so much Susan for upriding Barbara’s upride! And YES, she DOES look hot!

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Susan August 15, 2014 at 1:45 pm

Aaaaargh. While reading this fabulous entry, I think of all the times I wanted to be NICE so people would like me. I was bullied as a child and therefore always tried to fit in so maybe someone would want to be my friend. Twenty years later I’m learning to be who I am – and of course being much more successfull with that.

Every woman here supporting another woman helps me on my way. I wish ALL women in the world would own themselves and pull each other up like this.

Thank you for your post about your inner fine bitch. I like her strength and resolution. Say hello to her from my fierce side!

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Jocelyn August 21, 2014 at 1:48 pm

Hi Susan,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and thoughts! My fierce side says hi to yours too, and may we live in a world where women all support one another fiercely!

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regina August 15, 2014 at 5:48 pm

Dear SG Joceyln,
Right on! This is fantastic! Yes, we can relate to the shaming of women who dare express anger and rage, and there is much in our lives and on this planet where the only sane response is anger and rage!
F*k depression and a medicated life b/c the world isn’t ready!

I appreciate that you are aware of what’s going on with yourself and you are accountable for dealing with it-excellent. Thank you for the humor too-the gift is a great idea.

This is a fantastic post-thank you!

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Desirée, the rare flower August 17, 2014 at 7:46 am

Thank you for your wonderful illuminating post, Jocelyn! I am at one with you!
I too was prohibited from expressing anger as a child: at home, at school, everywhere. My mother told me I musn’t show off, I must please, as she did. So I began not to count my achievements or any success as anything special, and didn’t even talk about the things I loved. I stopped loving myself. Other people could see this, and they took full advantage, through bullying, mostly. I realised as I grew up that all that pleasing did not make my mother any happier, more to the contrary.
As a young adult I began trying to rediscover myself, but I was still guarded and inhibited. I understood that pleasing others meant I could never rediscover myself and that my emotions depended on other people’s approval (and I was constantly feeling guilty), but how could I love myself again? I went to many therapists, and we focused on what was wrong with me, but one fine day this year a friend of mine gave me Mama Gena’s book on the School of Womanly Arts and I learnt to focus on what was right with me! The concept of Inner Bitch didn’t sit well with me at first, but Jocelyn you so rightly gave it it’s true meaning, and now Bitch is no longer a bad word! The Inner Bitch chapter in Mamas book was the best chapter for me, and I have stood up for myself in situations which would have had me running scared not so long ago. It’s scary, yes, but boy do I feel more alive than I ever have!
Speaking of which, Jocelyn I like the bit you wrote about the man in your life. I also have such a man. Thanks for the tip :D

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Jocelyn August 18, 2014 at 12:20 pm

I am so glad you shared your experience with us, thank you so much. Very happy to hear that you now stand up for yourself and feel more alive now for not clamping down on expressing your needs!!! Hope the tip helps you too! :)

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Desirée, the rare flower August 17, 2014 at 8:10 am

Hi, it’s me again. I have a question for you Sister Goddesses.
The hardest challenge for me when getting to know my Inner Bitch is that when she – I – speak my opinion and someone else rebukes it, a wave of guilt consumes me and I end up agreeing with that person (and judging myself). It’s only later when I reassess the situation that I realise I wasn’t wrong, or a bad person, for saying what I said and more importantly, I realise why I said it.

Do you feel guilt in these situations and clam up like I sometimes do? What do you do to overcome this in the moment so that you can answer back?

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Jocelyn August 18, 2014 at 12:12 pm

Hi Desiree,
thank you so much for the question! I personally don’t feel guilty when rebuked, if anything, my inner bitch gets even more inflamed. But I am reaching out to some other Mastery graduates who may be able to share their experiences with you, and will request that they post their replies on this thread!

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SG Sizzling Sexy Songstress Heather August 18, 2014 at 12:51 pm

Desiree,

Fabulous question. I go even farther than you with my Inner Bitch when expressing my opinions—I actually disassociate and leave my body. No joke. I have also been judgmental, berating myself for not standing for myself (my Inner Bitch) in the manner I so choose. I did some digging around my Inner Bitch by SCing on who she really is and represents in my life—for a while was in complete denial that I even had an Inner Bitch. Ha! Goddess, was I wrong! When I delved in this Pleasure Research more thoroughly, I found I really liked my Inner Bitch! I started focusing on her positive qualities and stopped feeling guilty about the negative qualities. She is so necessary in my life. She has protected me from so much wrongdoing. She is your BEST Advocate! Celebrate her!
I also practice a preview of what I want in any given situation that my Inner Bitch needs and desires to show up at home first, where I feel the most safe and supported. I go though in my mind how I would want this scene to play out and always ask myself, what would my Goddess do? I use various SWA tools to clear out emotional “gunk” and get myself back to a place of feeling Empowered and Pleasure-filled at the same time.
I would love to SC on this topic with you!

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Desirée, the rare flower August 26, 2014 at 4:04 am

Hi Heather,
Thanks for your reply. A lot of the times when I feel guilty are during conversations that I cannot prepare for beforehand. I have to think on my feet and be in the moment, which I’m not good at. I tend to overthink what the other person has said, and this blunts my instincts, it seems.
I agree with you that I need to get to know my Inner Bitch a lot more, and not being ashamed of who she is. That way, I’m hoping, I will be able to overcome these periods of self-doubt. I think I will read Mama Gena’s Inner Bitch chapter again. What tools helped you?

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SG SSS Heather August 26, 2014 at 11:32 am

Dear Desiree,

I did A LOT of SCing on pertinent topics such as Anxiety. I get anxiety at the mere thought of standing up for myself. Then, I got really specific and clear on my Desires. For instance, I would Desire that I feel comfortable and confident around my boss at work. I continued to put this Desire out there until I could Brag about it. I also “armed” myself with SWA tool such as a boa, a tiara, jewels, a womantra—anything that reminds me I am a Goddess when I enter into a situation in which I have difficulty “staying present”. I would also write a list of Gratitudes about how I want the situation to play out and what I want to FEEL (this really works for me). Lastly, I learned to Receive the “or something better” into my work life and work (Check out Satya’s Blog post this month). After SCing, stating Desires, Bragging and expressing Gratitudes for my victories (no matter how small), I would find the situations in which I had difficulty standing for myself would miraculously resolve themselves. That person might approach me in a manner that allowed me to stay present (Yes!), or I was able to speak my mind in a completely different format than I had ever previously imagined. GPS will show up to conspire with you when you clear out space and set the stage for your own success. Play with these tools and TRUST that you already Know what is best for you. You’ve got this Sister Goddess!

SG SSS Heather

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Desirée, the rare flower August 30, 2014 at 7:33 am

Thanks for your advice Heather. What is SCing exactly?

SG SSS Heather September 15, 2014 at 4:29 pm

Desiree – Have you read Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts book? There is a chapter in the book on Spring Cleaning—fabulous tool! Or, better yet, sign up for Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp.

Detox Diva Donna August 17, 2014 at 11:12 am

So, thoughtfully written. I felt a little uncertain about what this all meant when in Mastery. You gave perfect examples and really explored this topic well! Thank you!!! You are a Master Goddess!

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Jocelyn August 18, 2014 at 12:08 pm

Aw, thank you so much Diva Donna! I am so glad I could help you get more clarity around this tipic!!

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Barbara August 17, 2014 at 7:39 pm

Wonderful post. I grew up in a family where someone was always angry. They would often express their anger but not to the person who had caused the anger and hurt. And they would ruminate for days, weeks and years.
I tried not to be like them so I just just hid my anger and withdrew.
Everyone thought I was moody – - not a very attractive trait – - but in reality it was unexpressed anger.
I am slowly learning that in many/most facets of life the important thing is to express oneself.

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Beth August 17, 2014 at 9:32 pm

Jocelyn,

Thanks for your thoughts. Freud said we all have two drives – to be sexual (procreate) and aggressive. The latter has to do with owning and expressing our power, energy. It is totally normal. Anger is only what the ego adds. Anger is not necessary in order to express one’s will, truth, power.

So we don’t have to call it our “Inner Bitch”, though I respect your right to call it whatever for you. And we don’t have to get angry. We can simply stand in our truth and express it.

Beth

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SG Azulita August 18, 2014 at 1:14 pm

OMG, I am so glad I read this post! I recently was having a discussion with a man I am interested in about light and darkness… and I insisted that darkness doesn’t exist! I have long had a challenge with the dark side (even denying it exists) and I know that my life’s purpose is to be in a continuous wave of joy and pleasure – denying that the darkness exists simply because I wasn’t able to reconcile it with being in a continuous flow of joy and pleasure. Now I feel the invitation to INFUSE PLEASURE into EVERY AREA – even those I want to push away! Thank you, Sister Goddess I will be playing with this one for a while. xoxo SG Azul

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SG TTH - Joni August 18, 2014 at 2:03 pm

FF: “Babe in Total Control of Herself.” I am a lover of acronyms and this one absolutely takes the cake! Brilliantly blogged with the perfect balance of humor and intuition. Thank you Goddess for your wisdom.

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SG Deborah August 19, 2014 at 1:57 pm

Dear Jocelyn,

Thank you so much for this post! I don’t think I really understood the idea of partying with your inner bitch until I read it. The example of the gift you sent to the person who got you angry just by existing was beyond brilliant. You totally get to turn your own anger on its head in a very healthy and playful way. So well done! I, too, struggle with the need to be nice to this day. It is very hard for me to voice an opinion that contradicts someone when it counts, and when I do, I usually feel a lot of remorse after for “being mean”. I’m gonna try to infuse a little creative fun into these experiences and feelings and I’m honestly excited to try!

Love you and am so grateful for your wisdom!

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Anne Wallace August 26, 2014 at 1:55 pm

I’m with SG Deborah! Your blog has helped me understand the power and pleasure of my inner bitch in a way I didn’t before. I realize now that that’s what I was doing a couple of weeks ago when I man-trained a really throwing-her-power-around colleague on a project. I was so afraid and angry at her making things difficult for me and her ability to pull the plug. I stepped back and saw that rage and fear as my lifelong response (from early childhood family stuff) to being treated dismissively or disrespectfully. So I wrote her an email thanking her for setting up the meeting and giving a heads up on what I wanted to do (instead of springing it on her in public). I told myself not to assume we were in opposition to each other. She turned from a tiger into a pussycat! Thank you for your wisdom and for honoring your/our IB’s humor and flirtatiousness!

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