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Let’s detonate “fine.”

I am sure you have noticed.
Babies cry every single day.
Sometimes briefly, sometimes inconsolably.
They also laugh every day. Not to mention wriggle, crawl, bounce and flap.
And they move smoothly from emotion to emotion: wailing, then settling back to a set point of happiness pretty easily.

Nothing like a woman.
Women are encouraged to avoid our own wail. We suppress our rage. We are taught to cut off from our unhappiness, overstep our discomfort and bypass our deep grief and sorrow.
This detour around the truth creates a huge consequence.

How are you doing, since you two broke up? “Fine.”
How are things going since your mom died? “Fine.”
You lost your job? How’s the job hunt? “Fine.”

A woman’s life gets utterly lost to her in one harmless word: “Fine.”

She never really learns herself as a woman.
She never moves on.
She never learns to grieve.
She gets stuck in the permanent formaldehyde of “fine.”

No one who is fine ever has great sex.
No one who is fine ever falls in hot sexy love with their divinely destined partner.
Or creates a bestselling book, a career that inspires, an ecstatic family life, or inspiring friendships.
No one who is fine ever changes the world.

Women who were taught to spend their lives quietly licking their wounds in private never ever connect with their most deeply held emotions.

It is our rich, full range emotional life that connects us to our desires. And without that connection, desires cannot come true. (Click to tweet!)

Passion and “fine” don’t live in the same neighborhood.

What I realized is that my access to passion was directly correlated to my ability to navigate my darkness.
Only in learning to surrender to the ruptures of life, and allowing myself to fully feel the darkness, could I also fully feel the light.
No grey “fine.”
Instead, Dark and Light.

The degree to which you can own your darkness is the degree to which you can own your light. (Click to tweet!)

But we have no idea how to expertly navigate our own darkness. We don’t want to “lose face” by showing how weak or lost or clueless we are. We are afraid that if we give into the feelings, we will never get out. We feel helpless when things become too overwhelming, and we feel like victims rather than heroines of our own storylines.

How can a woman fall utterly apart with the grace and dexterity of a toreador, seeing her life as she knows it flash before her eyes, yet land lightly on her feet, utterly remade by her own experience?

I knew, with my deepest soul, that this was possible. And out of this inquiry was born our 2nd-year training for Mastery grads, called the Creation Course. In Mastery we introduce a woman to her divinity, to her Turn-on, and teach her to befriend her darkness as we get her embodied and empowered. In Creation, we integrate that so fully that no matter what comes, she can navigate her way through any Rupture, and become her own heroine.

Creation pulls a woman off the tracks of her own mediocrity and compromise, and gives her the steps to live the greatness that is her birthright. It’s where we detonate “fine.”

Fine is nothing more than an indication of an adventure that you are about to unpack, a huge storehouse of your brilliance, a fortress of gold that is yours for the taking. The trick is that in order to unpack the gold out of fine, you have to sink into the feelings that each of us have been taught to cut ourselves off from.

Meet me here next week to experience one of the best ways I know to do just that. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below this post:

Where does “fine” show up in your life? What you have discovered is buried underneath it? Tell us of the dark beauty and power and yearning you suspect is lurking there.

I can’t wait to hear from you.

With so much love and pleasure,
mama-gena-sig-180px

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80 Comments / Leave a Comment

80 comments… add one

  • Susan February 15, 2017, 10:20 pm

    Whenever my girlfriend and I use the word fine we know that it’s really an acronym for fucked-up, insecure, neurotic and emotional – FINE.

  • melanie miller December 5, 2014, 12:54 pm

    When I tried to “fix” everything before anyone found out I had “f – upped” big time,

    of course, it was not an effective, efficient way to restoring some semblance of “normal!”

    Coming in from the cold and isolation of “doing it on my own,” I realize it is not

    pathological to be human – of course it doesn’t work best and fine to paint over the

    shame and humiliation of “wrong that has been done to us!” I am grateful for the clarity

    and distinctions that have come from looking at what I brought to the party that had things

    turn out not fine for me and my children. I am grateful for the awareness and the practice

    of the powerful choice to stop and think twice before I respond – and, yeah – it’s a practice

    like brush and flossing – like no kidding, a practice. All the time, doing it “on my own”

    I yearned for the feeling tone of good girl friends – Mama Gena’s sisterhood feels like

    it just may be that for me – a place to revel in the feeling tone of strength confidence play

    joy – collaboration, maybe, even – on projects that lift encourage and inspire ourselves,

    our children, and men in our lives – expression and fulfillment of our deepest desires –

    wow – imagine that! Anyone wanta’ come in outta’ the cold and play with me?

    [email protected]

    Warm regards…love…blessings…Melanie

    “play is the beginning of wisdom” -George Dorsey

  • Jane Koehler June 6, 2014, 7:11 pm

    Ariel, we think alike . Most people we meet are just acquaintances, not people who are tried and true friends. The response should fit the moment, be it fine or, just glad to be on the right side of the grass! I am almost 80 and facing another heart cath, so for me, even though I’m not fine I smile my way through it and probably, just say “fine.”

  • Ariel May 30, 2014, 11:39 am

    Great post, great comments!

    Just one little extra point:

    NOT everyone DESERVES to know how you really feel.

    “Fine” sometimes CAN be an excellent way to preserve your boundaries with people you’ve decided NOT to share with.

    We have such choices!

  • SG Vixen Veronica May 28, 2014, 9:29 pm

    Oh Goddess, where to begin? I feel like “fine” has been the comfort zone, the place where I say, “ok this right here is safe, is enough” (when it isn’t!!!!) I am beginning to see that I have this exquisite creative side that I’ve surpressed and for a while I’ve been thinking that it’s “fine” when it fucking isn’t! I have colorful, adventurious desires for myself, to travel the world, to dance, to really fully dance in my body and in my emotions and to perhaps create art and travel while doing so and become the Healer I know I am destined to be!! “Fine” isn’t even a word that can fit in there because I desire such a life of color and expansion!!!

  • Belinda Wurn May 28, 2014, 10:34 am

    When most people you encounter in your everyday life ask how you are doing- do they REALLY want to know? We say “fine” because it stops any further discomfort being experienced by the other person, or there really isn’t the time to go into how we are really doing because we are at work or in a social setting. I can’t say “I am fucking NOT fine! We can’t say “I am angry/scared/hurting/freaking out,” etc. because most people don’t know how to respond to that and support us in those feelings to allow us to express that rage and get those negative feelings OUT of our bodies!

  • Claudia May 27, 2014, 11:48 pm

    Thank you 🙂 beautifully written, I wish I could wedge some people’s hearts open with it.

    In our work culture, the predominant greeting is, and it’s a must: “How are you?” It is a way of greeting, not asking how you are. Then you are to answer ‘fine/ok/cool etc”

    Being a rebel and mind opener, I usually speak my truth and then watch 80% shy away, that awkward moment and then the next day starts. Same ritual.

    What happened to ‘Hi’…. that way we greet at work and leave it there. It is a nice way of greeting but not wanting to know anything. At work, I get asked from colleagues, suppliers, clients all day long ‘how are you’… a strange addiction indeed.

    I’ve kept to usually responding with Fine, as it seems to be the current way of doing business – equally shallow as using it socially. Does this make me shallow, no it does not. Would I love to change it, YES.

    So I go, on my merry Wednesday way, to see the change I can effect with my responses today.

    Much love,
    Claudia

  • SG Alice May 27, 2014, 10:25 pm

    Thank you Mama Gena for bringing up something that I have thought about often but I think not in the terms that you speak. Actually, I have had the habit of telling people things were not great and when I walked away I felt terrible about myself and felt I should just say ” fine” because most people really don’t want to hear your problems and they don’t care. So now that I have the SG community and I have tools so I feel better when I say ” fine” and I feel more comfortable when I walk away because I have a place to go or people to call. But actually I am having a really hard time now and I feel like I am sinking. Between my ex husband heraassing me and my daughter struggling and then to top it off today a letter of an audit from the IRS today. You bet I feel like wailing and dedonating. I feel like I never want mastery to end….I gained connections and now I feel the disconnected even though I am on the boards constantly. My pussy needs help. She needs to detonate, here lies the problem. Thanks for letting me getting it out . I am not fine, thank you very much! With much love for all my sister goddess and for Mama Gena! Xoxo

  • Michaela May 27, 2014, 10:12 pm

    Hmmmm, my fine is very much everywhere. Certainly around my day job that I”m slowly walking away from, men I choose to spend time w/, how I spend my time. What’s lurking underneath is certainly MORE. I’ve been directing more energy to the business I want to replace my income+++. Saying “No” more. Asking myself what will light me up more. There’s much more and it’s not crystal clear, but I’m on the scent and stumbling around a bit – but interested in welcoming in that dark rageful beast the fuck in.

    • http://3wcheckbay.pw/tvxs.gr November 19, 2016, 2:52 pm

      The Ships’s Voyages…I feel technologies just makes it worse. Now there is a channel to in no way treatment, now there would not be considered a possibility for them to find out….

  • Patty May 27, 2014, 9:39 pm

    OMGoddess! Does this resonate! Thanks for sharing this and I cannot wait to hear more!!!! FINE is DONE!

    • Delia July 18, 2016, 5:56 pm

      Help, I’ve been informed and I can’t become igrntano.

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  • Lola May 27, 2014, 8:55 pm

    F.I.N.E. acronym for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Yep, that’s fine in a nutshell. It’s not shaming oneself for feeling FINE and admitting to needing HELP:
    Healing, energizing, loving, providing.

  • Kellie Sue May 27, 2014, 7:51 pm

    Thank you, Mama!

  • Jennifer May 27, 2014, 6:57 pm

    This resonates so strongly with me today that I have not even read the other goddesses’ responses first. I am not fine. I put on a good show – just plodding along, one foot in front of the other, no emotional displays, not even when I’m all alone. I got close today. I almost got to cry. I have rage and grief and I need to shatter. My mother is dying. I am the only one “available”. I am the only one who has changed her life to be near her. On good days, I am easing her passage to the next world. Today, I want my pain eased and my words heard. I want to be acknowledged and for someone to be grateful for me.

    • SG Sara May 28, 2014, 12:06 am

      As a new mother I sometimes I imagine the time that will come for me to be in the same position of both you and your mother, saying goodbye to my mother one time, and my daughter another time. I want you to feel heard and held. I feel your reverence for your mother and share it. The Sacred source of Mother love is indescribable. Thank you SG Jennifer. I hope you have the opportunity to shatter and find the strength lying hidden in your emotions.

  • SG Joan Champion of Pleasure May 27, 2014, 5:30 pm

    Last year in Mastery the word “fine” hit me very hard. I realized that so often I accepted fine to be OK. In fact i was grateful for fine because it seemed more positive than all the negative alternatives. But I saw how deadening fine is, how accepting fine is like a slow death. I went on a quest to change fine to fabulous, which is what Mastery is all about. I have broken out of fine in many areas but I am happy for this reminder to keep busting out of fine and demanding something more from life. Thank you, MG, for reminding me today. You are the best.

    • cristina May 27, 2014, 10:48 pm

      I love this frame: “a quest to change fine to fabulous, which is what Mastery is all about”!!

  • Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked May 27, 2014, 4:21 pm

    FINE: Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic and . . . (Rats! forgot what the E stands for!) Anyway, I was given this insight into “fine” many years ago. Yes, let’s detonate it. At least I now know that when I am tempted to use this word in referring to myself that I better think again. I brag, I usually do! Transparency is hard. And I want my passion,I want my power. Thanks MG!!

  • SG Estela May 27, 2014, 3:24 pm

    I have said fine most of my life. Everybody knew I was not fine, but I kept
    pretending, so they do not ask more. Now that I am ventilating where I am
    people respond accordingly, and I understood that they know, so it is better
    to be true to ourselves and to them. I started to say I am in a roller coaster,
    I am in a bumpy road and take it from there, at least I am not shunning from
    the deeper opportunity to connect with them.

  • SG Ssanyu May 27, 2014, 3:00 pm

    F*CK Fine!!!! I have been devastated, despondent, excited, terrified, deeply depressed, and unequivocally sacred (yes, for me that is an emotion) all this week. I’m turning thirty in two days and am being bombarded by my life and my emotions in pictures and words. Goddess bless this transition and the gifts I have already uncovered and have yet to unearth. I have gone into my cave of misery for the last time. Shame breeds there like an infection. “Fine” is the band aid that keeps healing at bay. I’m not fine. I never have been. I’m making friends with my darkness so that I carefully express my light. Thank you Mama Gena for providing sacred space for me and so many others to be comfortably authentic.

  • T. L. Cooper May 27, 2014, 2:39 pm

    I banned “fine” from my responses years ago – when I was still in college, in fact. I hated it when someone said “fine” when I inquired how they were, so I stopped using it. I discover these days on the rare occasion I’m tempted to say “I’m fine” or even deliberately choose to say “I’m fine” when someone asks, it has more to do with the person asking than with me. I typically use it to denote “I don’t want to discuss my life with you, and that’s my prerogative.” When I say “I’m fine”, people tend not to inquire further. I know that whatever is happening is my life I will be better than “fine” anyway; however, I never use “fine” to deny the reality of my life. I face it head on and live through whatever experiences come my way!

  • Corneille May 27, 2014, 2:13 pm

    Being raised in the South we cut our teeth on ‘fine’….
    I don’t know of a single “polite” question you can ask a Southern Woman where it cannot be answered with ‘fine’.
    In fact, it is like some awful game we have learned as young girls from our mothers… I will go so far as to say if you dare to ask a question that cannot be answered with ‘fine’ you are considered EXTREMELY RUDE!!
    And isn’t that a shame, women being so bottled up, so self- controlled, wrapped up in such a cancerous tradition that she feels necessary to enslave herself, never making true friends, never learning to express feelings honestly, most especially to herself!
    This is such an absolute truth, Mama, ‘fine’ has got to go!

    • T. L. Cooper May 27, 2014, 2:44 pm

      Corneille,
      I was also raised in the South, and I know exactly what you mean. It drove me nuts that everything was “fine” all the time even when behind closed doors nothing was even close to “fine”, but we can break the “fine” habit! I did it years ago. I’ve long been considered tactless by most of the my family and Southern friends, but I don’t much care. One can be tactful and still say more than “fine” even if it isn’t the way we were raised! Most of them have readily admitted they don’t ask me questions unless they’re ready to hear the truth as I see it, but, hey, they still love me, so we can survive without everything being “fine” all the time! 🙂

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      • Hi Terri!You want to make me green of envy with all this stuff made with Durian!!This looks really really delicious!! I really would like to taste it!!Ciao!Laura

    • Anna May 28, 2014, 3:08 am

      Corneille, thank you for this! I wasn’t raised in the South but in a totally different part of the world, and now I live in London, which I’ve found very difficult until recently because I very often wasn’t POLITE enough! I’ve since got the hang of it. But I THINK the underlying problem for me is this: on this planet, there are men and women. Two types of opposite energy, with a completely different agenda. To me, women are like a force of Nature; men have always tried to subjugate us and control us – probably out of fear? They’ve been doing it to the planet, too. They’ve created religion and moral values. The point is, I’m lost. I’ve done New Age’y stuff and I know your happiness cannot come from the outside, it has to come from inside of you. Right? It makes sense because people are only people and they will let you down. So I’ve tried meditation and turning inside. It does help for a while. Problem is, I still feel unfulfilled and lonely. Still don’t know how to be a woman. I thought I did. I had a married lover for a while. He built me up, I was his “princess” and was “special”. We had great sex. But at the end of the day, he still climbed into his wife’s bed. The wife who went to sleep in her tracksuit bottoms. I gave some of my truth to him and he sent me packing! He couldn’t even understand I could “hate” something, because “it was such a strong word”!. So I can’t figure this out! I’m not stupid, I went to university, I have a good body. I’m also on my own and feeling I will never be able to find a great man (who will also accept my kids). It’s not as if my value depends on it, but then what DOES my value depend on? I’ve been going through a range of emotions for the past 14 months (since the breakup of my marriage) and it’s been like a roller coaster. Sometimes I just want to feel “fine” for a change. Because there’s nobody in sight who could help me handle this. So I may be rambling a bit but this is actually the only place I feel safe enough to open up about stuff like that. Thank you for listening SGs!

      • Corneille June 3, 2014, 10:26 pm

        Where does your value come from??? From your heart sweet sister, from your deep inner core of self….You are special, unique, lovely, wanted….It is fine to ramble and go on about things, it is your voice and sometimes we just need to let it all out.
        That is what makes Sisterhood so vital, we all need to converse within OUR circle because we understand…..some times we are not ‘fine’….. hugs and love sent your way…

  • Erika May 27, 2014, 2:12 pm

    Let’s detonate the word “good” as well. I find that this word is my default go to. Then, I remember that I created out of orgasm and that this tour de force that created me wasn’t simply good – it was GREAT! it was phenomenal! it was fantastic! it was vibrant! it was epic! So that’s how I should live me life!

  • Carol May 27, 2014, 1:25 pm

    Two thoughts to share here: I read something the other day about empty questions and empty answers. Empty question might be “how are you”, empty answer “fine”. I have tried re-framing my questions (as suggested) to “when did you feel most treasured today”, “what about today did you appreciate”, etc. Fine just does not work as an answer anymore……..

    Long ago found out that FINE was an acronym: F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

    Having a grateful day……….

    • SG Pu-rekini Alison May 27, 2014, 6:28 pm

      WOW! Both very cool.
      Thank you.
      xoxo

  • SG Ti May 27, 2014, 1:05 pm

    I’m having a simmering deadening “fine” day here at work. UGH! I have a friend who answers, if you ask her how she’s doing on a rough day, “I’m really not okay.” I love that about her. There is the urge to hide from those who try to ‘bright side’ me or fix me or tell me why I shouldn’t feel the way I feel. I guess I’ll tell them I’m fine and then express, express, express, and own the unfine dark beauty with those who understand and won’t try to coach or advise me out of it or stuff gratitude down my throat before I’ve coughed up all this choking FINE.

  • Katja May 27, 2014, 12:35 pm

    Hi Suzi 🙂
    Fine is easy word to stop the subject.
    I’m divorced living in another country so why should I give more comment of my status to persons I don’t have better relationship.. fine is fine.
    But also in this busy world people don’t wish to hear even more, even if you look horrible they are just happy with your ‘fine’.
    But you can also be fine with it’s simple beautiful meaning. If you give a deep thought to this word it has lot of faces 🙂
    Hugs

  • Lori May 27, 2014, 11:24 am

    Fine can take a flying leap! I am an actor, and singer, and I can tell you that there is wonderful embodiment and bliss and release in full EMOTION! Still, I find that in spirituality particularly, there is a terrible rift between allowing emotion and the practice of knowing that it is not the whole of who I am. There is such judgment about emotion, and that really ticks me off! It’s the expression and response to our feelings that puts us on a passionate and exciting road! The problem I run into with emotion is when the bad feelings take me low. That particular aspect – feelings of hopelessness, depression, etc. – seem to need a different kind of perspective and approach???

    In any case, “fine” does NOT cut it! We are women! We are human! We are fully embodied and expressive! Boogey on!

    • SG Estela May 27, 2014, 3:18 pm

      SG Lori
      I wanted to act in order to express emotions. It is scary, and you must be courageous to explore so many feelings in your work. I am learning just now. Good for you!

  • Mary May 27, 2014, 10:56 am

    Thank you for this post today it has helped me to stop trying to learn the wrong lesson. Like Ingrid who said she has does used the fine word, I too find it hard to say fine when I know I am not fine. Perhaps it is easier to be more open about what one is experiencing if you are not an English speaking native. Not sure about that. But recently I have been trying to learn to say and act fine because of an incident that occurred at my work. Now I know better.

    A colleague did something upsetting to me and I responded clearly upset at her and my supervisors got on my case. I am in training to become a clinical psychologist. In that situation I was almost labeled with some kind of psychopathology and per my evaluation of the situation, one of my supervisors overstepped my boundaries to teach me to never react so strongly to something. Although the situation sounds like a negative one, I recovered most of my personal power in this setting because of it. I reacted strongly to the boundary violation and claimed ownership of my reaction both times. I also stated openly because everyone reacted negatively to me I decided that it was time for me to love myself and understand my reactions. No one commented but I would say I started out on a journey of passionate self-love and I am not looking back.

    Of course, I do not let everyone know what I am experiencing all the time but I am getting better at knowing when to open my heart more and when to keep it just open enough. It is a great learning process for me.

    Thank you for the post today! I do not have to learn to say or act fine when I am not experiencing it.

  • Anna May 27, 2014, 10:52 am

    Aren’t we EXPECTED to say “fine” when we are asked how we are? I mean, I’m separated, heading for a divorce, raising 2 kids on my own in a foreign country (meaning no help whatsoever) and being pushed to find a job asap so I can go off the benefit. I’m scared to death most of the time but I’ve learned to say “I’m fine” through gritted teeth because I’ve had people run away (quite literally) whenever I dared mention my real feelings. Everybody is just going about their own business, they don’t have the time or desire to meddle with someone else’s. Even friends tend to tell me to just pull myself together. And yes, because of that I’ve lost touch with myself and who I am. Actually, it happened years ago when my stepfather abused me and my mother constantly found fault with me no matter what I did and I was still expected to show the world how happy I was and how lucky to come from such a respectable family. So I don’t really know an alternative to “fine” and, if truth be told, I consider myself lucky if I actually DO feel fine. Most days I feel crap. Although a tiny bit better now that I’m on my own. My dark side is lurking beneath, waiting for the right moment to come to the surface and be acknowledged. But I can’t fall apart. I’ve 2 small kids.

    • mary May 27, 2014, 2:08 pm

      I hear you Anna! I send you cyber- strength and self love. You will find that place to feel authentically you and grieve for what you’ve been through. I have friends like that too. I sent a very important heart felt email to five of them recently telling them I’d been through some dark times but was coming out the other side now, though not going into huge details. I got 2 replies. One from a darling friend who was very supportive of me and knew already, the other from one whose husband has been in a similar situation. The other three – nada! I was a bit hurt. Yes they’ve got other more important things going on clearly but I think with my low expectations of support from others I attracted them into my life. I’ve gotta change that up! I give so much support it’s time I made room in my world to receive it too! I hope you’ll find some good kind supportive friends too! Best of luck! We can do it!

      • SG Estela May 27, 2014, 3:16 pm

        Dear SG Anna,
        You have us to SC whenever you want. You cannot express your feelings to everyone, but we are here for you, and then you go trusting, you are never alone.

        • Anna May 28, 2014, 2:32 am

          Thank you! I haven’t done SC since after Boot Camp! Is anyone here from London, UK or whereabouts who’d be interested?

      • Gwennie May 27, 2014, 9:46 pm

        Thank you! I hear myself in Anna’s post, 2 young boys and a lack of support- I hear hear you lipoid and clear, Mary, that it is time to draw the support towards me that I am always offering up.

        I am someone who has never been afraid to say how I really feel. It scares most people away. I am going to continue speaking my truth, my shadows and my dark side are a part of me, and I am not afraid. Anyone who is is not strong enough to be near me. Time to draw some of this SG energy into my realm. SE Michigan anyone?

        • mary May 28, 2014, 10:28 am

          You go Gwennie! Bring it on! x

        • SG Helen June 3, 2014, 3:56 pm

          I’m in NYC but am from SE Michigan and go there often. Perhaps we can connect.

    • SG Lisa May 29, 2014, 11:17 am

      First I want to thank everyone that has responded to this blog. I have resonated with a piece of each one but Anna yours touches me deep in my heart. I feel I cant say I totally understand how you are feeling because I am not in a country all by myself with 2 kids to raise by myself. That being said I do know how you feel being left on your own. I too was very scared, hurt, confused etc.. when I left my husband to raise my 3 children. Although I come from a big family I still felt very alone. I still to this day consider myself the black sheep of the family. All my brothers and sisters are married, have nice homes, and money. I unfortunately don’t have any of that. My family at times was there for me when I needed something for the kids or to pay an overdue bill but they were never there for me emotionally. In fact many times I was criticized for my feelings. I was told to stop acting like a baby, to grow up and to start acting like a parent to my children or they would do it. Many times I cried myself to sleep wishing that I had someone who truly loved and cared enough about me to hold &encourage me while I cried. So Sg Anna yes you can fall apart. I am here with many other Sister Goddesses to hold &be with you in your darkest moments and to celebrate with you in your greatest triumphs. If you ever need someone to be there for you to cry, encourage,laugh or just to talk please contact me. I will do whatever I can to help you. My email is [email protected]

    • Ms.Me November 5, 2016, 3:02 pm

      Anna, how are you today?

  • Madeline May 27, 2014, 10:33 am

    Oh wow, this hit home today.I have been “fine” with a few situation lately.. in fact,maybe for years. I just “got” that this “fine” has deadened a very passionate part of me and that these few years have been really dry as a result. (In more ways than one..)

    Now that I know I am really NOT FINE with a few of these scenarios,I have to decide what to do about it!! I have always traveled in the passion lane but the last few years,I took a dangerous detour into “fine..” Time for a destination correction!!!!!!!!!!!

    What a good kick in the pants this post is this morning.thank you!!

  • CeeCee May 27, 2014, 10:22 am

    I have learned and implemented this lesson in most of my life, but the one person who always trips me up is my father. He asks how I am, I say fine, his response is “good girl.” Ack! I desire to detonate fine, even with my father. Because what you have written is true – a woman who is fine does not have great sex, or relationships, or career, or anything else – they are just “fine” too. I desire more!! I desire to own my dark beauty!

    • SG Joan Champion of Pleasure May 27, 2014, 4:33 pm

      Wow! This is powerful insight and so helpful to pass on to your sisters! Thank you for sharing.

  • mary May 27, 2014, 10:00 am

    The keeners were employed to help people cry btw. They weren’t actually helping people jump into the grave! It’s just that it was safer and more acceptable then in society at least when it came to grieving to express how you really felt.

  • mary May 27, 2014, 9:56 am

    Oh boy does this ring a bell with me! When I was very unwell years ago in my home town, like half dying on my feet, I would reply I was fine to the how are yous! Granted, most of us want to express our true feelings and just generally be vulnerable with those we trust and where we feel comfortable and that’s not necessarily on the street. But our society definitely has a problem with people being authentic with their emotions. It’s seen as a weakness not a strength and if you think it’s bad for us women folk what about all the men who are told pretty much from day one that crying is not what boys and men do. I remember my mother saying that professional keeners used to be employed to accompany a grieving family at funerals in Ireland (where I’m from). Their express purpose was to encourage the family to grieve and while there tended to be theatrics involved like some members of the family wanting to throw themselves into the grave too (!!) the widow or whoever was often then seen hand in hand with someone else a mere six months later! Thesedays we might be more self controlled and seemingly refined but being refined or fine will not do you any good when it comes to dealing with real raw dark emotions. With these you just gotta feel and feel and cry and cry and with love and acceptance climb out of the hole and into the light.

    • Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked May 27, 2014, 4:14 pm

      Beautiful. Thank you Mary.

  • melodyk May 27, 2014, 9:41 am

    I am crystallized in amber, I am “fine”. No, no I’m not. Recognizing this helps. This a real breakthrough, something that I’ve been slowly waking up to. Constraint is self-imposed.

  • Lois May 27, 2014, 9:25 am

    I have hidden behind “fine” all of my life, because anything else to me shows my weaknesses. When things are not so good in my life, I put on a front. I pretend that everything is alright. I do not even share my heartaches with my family or closest friends. I don’t want others to see how inadequate I am. If I let others see my fears and heartaches, they will see how imperfect I am. I am realizing though that by hiding behind “fine”I am not sharing who I really am. Not only is this a disservice to me, but to others as well. If I authentically share who I am, this allows others to do the same. When we share our sorrows and fears we become free to be who we were meant to be. I am going to stop being “fine” and be more authentically me.

    • jennie May 27, 2014, 1:43 pm

      wow that is so me I too am going to stop being ‘fine’ and start being honest with myself and those around me ….thank you for putting into word what I feel but could not say

  • Toni May 27, 2014, 9:18 am

    There is so much truth in this post Mama G!!! I was on the phone with sistercousin last night. She was acting like she was “fine”. We have a family member that has been lashing out at her because of her sexuality. This person is using scripture, writing family emails and wants her to suppress who she is and she is not honoring the hurt or the anger. She spoke so eloquently and with such spiritual maturity but underneath it I could hear that she was not fine with it. Who would be? I told her that I needed her to stop pretending like she wasn’t pissed off and offended. I told her to speak her truth and demand that he stop the campaign to turn our family against her and that she let him know that she loves herself and no longer needs his approval. Yes, indeed. I am sending her this link. How lovely it is to be a part of this community!?!?! Let’s detonate “fine”. Let’s put an end to “fine”. Let’s bury “fine’ in the ground and leave it six feet under. Let’s pulverize “fine” and grind it into oblivion. Let’s all release the habit of saying “I’m fine” when we know damn well, things are not. *The DJ drops a beat…insert me doing the hallelujah dance* Ok, good morning Mama!!

    • SG Abisola June 3, 2014, 9:29 am

      AMEN!!!!!!!!

    • SG Helen June 3, 2014, 3:51 pm

      So well said!!! Thank you for this.
      Helen

  • BSG Glitzy Cougar Karen May 27, 2014, 9:17 am

    I love what you wrote, Suzi…it speaks to my version too. I spent my life “fine”. Even though I’ve known I’m a passionate person, it wasn’t safe to let it out anywhere. This journey post-divorce these past 12 years has been a gift to discover the boiling cauldron of desire that has been deeply hidden within. It’s been a slow process, but a rich one, like an archeological dig with constant discovery.

  • Ingrid May 27, 2014, 9:14 am

    I haven’t read more than the short version in the mail, with the word “fine” in it.
    Actually I have never understood the “fine” word, I (think) have never used it, when I’ve been not fine! It’s a word that is frequently used in movies, where female charachters always reply “fine” whether they are angry, sad or happy.

    It always strikes me as a sort of — abuse on oneself.

    Well, haha, I don’t live in a English speaking country, perhaps that is why the “fine” word is so rare to me. (Ding dong!)

    Any way, off to read more. Just wanted to pin down my thoughts on the subject before they disappeared like summer clouds…

  • Suzi Banks Baum May 27, 2014, 9:03 am

    I am taking notes on this on Mama. The pot has moved from simmer towards boil.

    What lurks behind my “fine” is appetite for more.
    “fine” in my life has been the answer that really means “it’s okay. I won’t take more even though I want it. I will deny my appetite and pass for a neat, orderly, well contained glimmer that belies the raging blaze that I am hiding.”

    What happens for me when I blaze on (and I use this word in full awareness of the fires that are raging in Alaska and Arizona right now-*prayers for rain*)- is that my joy ignites, my smiles are huge and tears pour readily. I speak my truth to people, to my kids without expectation of conflict and new territory opens up between us. Something happens when I move beyond fine and say, “Yes, please, I will take more.”

    It instills permission for the people around me to move beyond that “fine” boundary also.

    Dark yearning? I have become accustomed to this and am learning to speak in to what I want- this applies in my work life and my family life, in my personal life and public life. I don’t do it perfectly and there are zones where I maintain “fine” because I have not gathered courage to expand. But this is research, right?

    I look forward to all I will learn in this comment thread.
    Thank you for writing this and posting today.
    xo S

    • Leah Fisch May 27, 2014, 9:11 am

      Thanks, Suzi. Your transparency and ownership are deeply inspiring.

    • Toni May 27, 2014, 9:20 am

      Great share Suzi!! Ahhh, inspiring.

    • Suzi May 27, 2014, 9:41 am

      Beautifully written and captures my own experience as well! Really resonated with me, Suzi, thank you!

      P.S. I like your name. And the way you spell it. 🙂

    • Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked May 27, 2014, 3:41 pm

      Suzi,
      I love what you wrote here. I am taking notes! Thank you.

    • MaryEMaurer June 14, 2014, 5:38 pm

      I use to always used to answer any questions about myself with. “Oh I’m just fine or I’m dong well” to every inquiry about me. Today, I’m 63 years old! I’m only just realizing that I don’t want to answer or live like that anymore. I want to live, know every height & depth of my feelings, from joy to despair & all the ranges in between. Finally, I want to answer about myself, how I’m doing, what my general interests are now, what I want to pursue , what I’ve been reading lately or just what generally what Inwant to do with my time. It’s time for me to bloosom & that’s what I believe Mama School of Womanly Arts can offer any woman including me.

      • Ms.Me November 5, 2016, 3:00 pm

        I realize this blog article is well over two years old; however, I’m immersing myself in all the articles. This one is brilliant. (Well, they all are but this one hits me in the heart today.)

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