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Self-hatred is the New Smoking

It’s February.
I hate February.
Actually, it’s bigger than that.
It’s winter I hate.

Winter pisses me off.
Cold. Grey skies, short days. Losing gloves. Black ice.
February descends and my easy good times vaporize.
Going to the gym is hard. Everything is complicated, and I don’t want to leave my house.
My couch, to be precise.

And I noticed something: when I am down, there is something that I do that is worse than winter.

I start hating on myself for being down.
And I hardly even notice I am doing it; it is so automatic.

When men get angry or irritated, they express it. Out loud. And move along.
When women get angry, they turn it inwards, against themselves. Instead of screaming at winter, we silently scream at ourselves for being pissed or angry or depressed.

Why? Well, girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice. We don’t have a lot of experience moving the darkness through, in a healthy way, so instead we impale ourselves with it.
Unexpressed anger is just another form of self-hatred.
We can add it to the list – hating our bodies, our crows feet, our weight, blah blah blah.

twitter pink logoSelf-hatred is the new smoking. {Click to tweet}
It’s just gotta stop.

No one ever told me to loathe myself. I think I picked it up like you catch a virus. It’s kind of invisible: you wash your hand, touch a dirty sink, and you catch a cold. And I think just being around women who hated themselves and did not think very much of themselves taught me to hate myself.

That’s how it’s passed along, mother to daughter, for the past 5000 years.

You walk into a room thinking you’re nothing, you teach your daughter she’s nothing.
That’s how we catch it.
That’s how it spreads.

And if you think you’re nothing, are you going to ask for a raise? I don’t think so.
If you think you’re nothing, are you going to ask your husband to stop beating you? I doubt it.
If you think you’re nothing, are you going to stand for the relationship you long for? Maybe for a minute. But if somebody says, “I don’t think you will get what you want,” your heart will break, and you will crumble.
And soon, you won’t be able to rise again.

So, the question becomes – do you want to be in that dark, self-hating energy?

Or do you want to be the game changer – the woman who pulls the sword from the stone, and re-educates the world of women in a legacy of self-love?

It is not easy to decide to overturn the legacy of self-loathing.
It might involve yelling at winter – instead of yelling at yourself.
It might involve smooching your reflection in the mirror instead of criticizing it.
Or writing an ode to your jiggling thighs instead of berating them.

How much do you want to become a woman who generates the energy of self-love for others?

linderpix-7968-605

Women aren’t used to being that responsible or that powerful.

We have been taught how to be small. We now have to learn how to live large.
Self-hatred gets in the way of women getting what they want.

Fortunately, we – each one of us – have a choice.

Choice about how we want to perfume the air.
Choice about how we choose to love this body, this life.
It’s our legacy.

So, what’s your living legacy, right now? What fragrance remains when you leave a room? The fragrance of a woman standing defiantly on her own side? The scent of a woman loving her nooks and crannies?
Or the stench of self-loathing?

Come on – we can do this.
Hate winter all you like – but love yourself, your body, your mind, your deep passionate feelings.
We can do this.

Right now can be the moment to change your legacy.
We can perfume the air with the gorgeous sweet sweaty scent of you – standing loud and proud for your magnificence. Yes, even in wretchedly cold February.

In the comments below –
let me know… what self-hatred will you put back in its place today? What sword will you pull from the stone? How are you celebrating the privilege of being you?

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77 Comments / Leave a Comment

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  • carrie silver September 24, 2016, 1:57 pm

    Awesome post. This week, has been a whole bunch of ups and downs + the weather sucks! So yeah, I’m feeling kind of grey, down, depressed and beating myself up for it. So today’s the day, that I no longer beat myself up on it!

  • Raine September 10, 2015, 8:54 pm

    I have been taught to hate myself by my parents and society. I was born with birth defects and have had over 26 surgeries. From the day I went out into the world, I was picked on. I have seen so many therapists. Some have said it’s in my head, some said I should just be more positive, I should read the ‘Secret’, my problem doesn’t exist, because it isn’t quantifiable, my problem isn’t really that bad. My parents NEVER talked about me even being remotely beautiful, much less be attractive. I was the elephant in the room that no one talked about. In society, there is this ‘ perceived norm’ that sexy and sexual only pertains to attractive people. Is it any wonder why so many kids, especially girls have such a wide array of problems, from self esteem and weight issues. People can be really cruel. I’ve never had anyone teach me how to feel beautiful, much less stand for who I am and be proud. When at a mirror in a public bathroom, I back down and walk away, who do I think I am for even suggesting I need to look in the mirror? I wear makeup every day, I don’t know why I even bother, people STILL stare and make comments. You would think I had a third head. I have negative self talk that was taught to me by my parents, and society. It’s only my own, single voice that says I am not what everyone else thinks I am. This voice is shut out.

  • Bhavani August 31, 2015, 9:24 am

    I will stop loathing self loathing! I will accept that I am that person who sometimes self loathes, overeats, cannot be bothered. And as much as possible, I will recall that Winter is having a say in this as well. Love from the Southern Hemisphere where we are just emerging from Winter and now its grip, as it loosens, is all so obvious 🙂 Just like the dark times in life and mind, you can never quite see it until light is shone and you start to emerge the other side. Love to all beautiful Wahine xx

  • Odense, Denmark May 20, 2015, 5:44 pm

    Odense, Denmark

    Its’s so much positive energy around me again. I haven’t felt like this for
    months, maybe years. And now when they broke up and she calling me to get
    back together and all..WOW I am so happy.all thanks gose to
    d.rrivershebalisthome the spell caster who help me out if you need his help
    also contact him email address d.rrivershebalisthome@gmail.com thank you
    so much doctor

  • Marie March 18, 2015, 4:49 pm

    I think I love myself. When I do not treat myself well, if things are not going well for me, I feel unhappy – so I think I must love myself.

  • Desi February 25, 2015, 12:49 pm

    I’m going to stop being down on myself and stop thinking “I can’t”.
    I’m going to continue moving forward to making my dreams a realty, and to
    spread as much joy and love everywhere I am 🙂

  • Ruby Red February 22, 2015, 10:45 am

    Thank you, Regena and all the sister goddesses here. This is feminism, pure and simple. We have to love ourselves and treat ourselves like the goddesses we are daily. I’m trying to do that today, snowbound and dealing with it. Life’s too short not to.
    Sending joyful love to you all! xoxoxox

  • Sister Goddess Dazzling Debra February 14, 2015, 12:32 pm

    Yup, there you are, mirroring my life..I so LOVE that you do that. AND that we all do it for each other.
    I have NEVER not loved my body until this winter when I finally allowed a meniscus tear in my knee stop me from moving my body,
    Then, I went Paris lingerie shopping and those nasty lights (what is wrong with these stores that sell sexy lingerie and have lights that make the met fab body look shitty) and wham, I, for the first time in my life, NOT when I had 8 reconstructive surgeries after Breast cancer, not after gaining 45 pounds when I had a baby….JUST LAST WEEK!!!
    SO THANK YOU REGENA for reminding me that life is cyclical and that I should stay away from stores with nasty lights and dance my way away from self loathing back to self loving!!

  • anemone February 13, 2015, 1:00 am

    in meditation a few days ago, i woke up to “I forgive myself” — my mantra response to EVERYTHING. everything. I forgive myself. I am forgiven. I give myself forgiveness.

    you know all those things that tell you you have to forgive all those ****s who done you wrong? I never ever ever could do it. this is why. I start here. I forgive myself. You are ***y to me? I forgive myself. I didn’t like the guy I met? I forgive myself. It’s effing cold? I forgive myself and forgive myself and forgive myself.

    the new forgiveness. the one you can actually do.

  • SG Queen Young Bird February 12, 2015, 11:13 am

    I am feeling so much gratitude for my life this morning! And I brag that I am creating the life that I deserve one day at a time. Today is the one month anniversary of starting my dream job on the west coast after living on the east coast all my life. I moved here a week before that and found a beautiful luxury apartment so convenient to this city. My man is on a plane right now on his way for a romantic long Valentine’s weekend with me discovering Lake Tahoe and we hope a vineyard or two! We have been planning this time together for weeks and expect a sensual experience without limit! For those of you stuck in nasty weather, I send you beautiful wishes for a sensual weekend loving yourself no matter what is going on outside! Dance break!!!

  • Ssanyu February 11, 2015, 3:12 pm

    I have been mired in self-loathing after years of sometimes dancing and sometimes trudging through a “free-spirited” lifestyle that left me feeling anything but free. Last year, I finally settled into a corporate job for the first time at thirty. The 18 year old idealist hippy in me makes me feel like I’ve completely sold out, but thirty year old me respects how much I’m finally thinking about my future and the future of my family. Still, I feel tons of guilt for working all the time and spending so much time away from my autistic pre-teen and my toddler, neither of who fully comprehend why mommy is gone so much, at least that is what my self-loathing likes to tell me.

    But I choose freedom in this moment. I choose to see the choices laid out in front of me. I choose to open up to so many opportunites. I choose gratitude for this steady bridge job that provides for myself and my family. I choose celebration of my conjuring prowess. I choose awe over planning for my future when it used to scare the shit out of me to even think about. And with all these choices, I can see all the joy and wonder tucked in that I have been searching for. I am less than a few months away from being completely debt free! YES!!!! So I celebrate every juicy experience I have had to get me this far and I know that I will be dancing to the tune of my own success!

  • Esther Fink February 11, 2015, 11:04 am

    I fractured my arm badly on the ice and after hating being on the East Coast I turned things around really quickly thanks to the tools of this School of Womanly Arts.
    I cannot DO anything, no writing, no driving, no errands, no care taking. What to do?
    I write (voice software) a PLEASURE list daily. What will be in my pleasure today?
    AND I LOVE IT. I never had time for this before. I sit at the window, dressing takes me an hour to a swampy playlist, I listen to music. Whatever is in my pleasure.
    Thank you for this amazing work you do Regina. You are THE GODDESS.

  • Cat February 10, 2015, 10:28 pm

    I used to wake up every morning, with a gallery of nay sayers, too fat, too stupid, too loud..it went on and on. What a miserable way to start your day. Coffee with the critics.

    I decided to change. I decided, me. I woke up one morning and said yea yea yea, maybe you have some points, but you will have to wait your turn, I get my coffee first, I get to wiggle my toes, stretch my body, breath. This is my life, mine, and maybe I’m not perfect, but I like me, and whatever I don’t like, I’ll try to change, for me, not for them.
    Whoever they might be, that invisible “they” over there on the bleachers, they don’t scare me so much any more..how perfect are they? Nobody’s perfect (except Mama Gena of course, who could know where that magic came from?) But I am deeply sorry how many mornings, I let the gallery decide my day. And I am grateful for my daily fluff, now that’s how to start your day! Thank you Mama Gena!

  • Randy Rose February 10, 2015, 7:47 pm

    Great article! I needed to be reminded of loving and accepting self. Loving one’s self is not always easy but its necessary for sure. Thanks Mama for the reminder.

  • Kate Goldsborough February 10, 2015, 6:53 pm

    Whoa, was this ever the perfect post for today. It snapped me right out of my ennui and into action. I took my snowshoes right out and got out in that gray, depressing day and enrolled another woman into playing a game of cleaning out our offices.
    Thank you. I didn’t realize I was disapproving of myself for my inability to hop to today. This just built on the great weekend.
    xoxoxoKate

  • Kellie Sue February 10, 2015, 4:23 pm

    OOOHHH, Mama!! I really, really, really needed this post today. In fact, I have been needing it massively every single day of my life. I am aware that I began to hate myself when I was 7 because I was transferred to a new school where none of the kids could read yet, and my 1st grade teacher actually made fun of me regularly in front of the class for being such a “smarty pants too good for all of you.” I didn’t feel that way – that I was better than them because I could read, and that is when I felt so ashamed because of my intelligence that I couldn’t even tell my mother about what happened at school. Instead, I felt trapped, hopeless and yes, at 7 hated myself so much that I wanted to die.
    There were other things that made a big contribution: sexual abuse – (grandfather), physical and emotional abuse (father and mother), so this really was my foundation.
    Somehow, inside of me, from my aunt, my gymnastics coach, my ballet coach and my vocal coaches, I found things to love about myself and to rise above it. Thank Goddess for those women!! But I still really struggle – especially every month pre-moon, during moon, with my self-hatred. And it is truly a cancerous meme. I truly struggle with it daily. I have been working on using my inner rebellious teen-ager to rebel against self-loathing.
    I’m very grateful for your blog today, and to each of the women who posted as well on this topic. I hope that together, we can somehow create a collective feminine consciousness that rejects this in favor of experiencing our Divine Feminine Gorgeousness and Power and LOVE MAGIC.

  • A Natural Journey February 10, 2015, 3:50 pm

    I just had surgery yesterday and my husband took time off work to be with me… It’s different from what I’m used to… I’m usually the caretaker and my husband is not all warm n fuzzy, but I deserve his presence n care today and I’ll take it one day at a time with him. I’m gonna lay there n let him be my caretaker BEC I deserve it and I’m worth it and im grateful that he’s learning
    Thanks Mama for the reminder…

  • jeyan February 10, 2015, 3:49 pm

    Even in the tropics, there’s winter……. not the dark foreboding type but the kind that wants you to play outside so you have a hard time trying to get work done!!! I’m pushing to get it all back in line..so I can make things happen for traveling and being away from the office!! Will totally dislike myself if I don’t get it all done in the smooth ruffle free way!!

    • http://netarchivecamp.us/eclkmpsa.com November 27, 2016, 12:44 pm

      Olá André! Parabéns pelo excelente post e guia. Também estive nas mesmas cidades e estou preparando outros posts sobre a Belgica também sou uma apaixonada pelas cervejas de qualidade e foi uma experiência incrivel. So faltou uma coisa pra eu ficar 100% satisfeita: ter visitado a abadia de westvleteren! Fica pra uma proxima

  • Sister Goddess Sparkle February 10, 2015, 3:44 pm

    AHHHH! You have so busted me! (in a good way). I have been waking up feeling blue and then flipping into “what is so fundamentally wrong with me that I keep waking up feeling blue?!” Seeing the glass half-empty in a few key situations and snapping at myself, “why the f&*# do you always see things half-empty? When are you going to grow up/get happy/heal/ GET IT?!” Just making things so much worse and stuck for myself with that whiplash of judgment and self-hatred for the very human ebb and flow I am feeling.

    Thank you!!! for this wake-up call! Enough!!!!! What I’m going to start doing is Do Something About It every time I feel one of those negative emotions. If I’m feeling grief for the years I was a musical goddess, I’m going to make or listen to some music. My grief is sacred, I’m not going to beat myself up for it! If I’m mad about something not going right, I’m going to let my Inner Bitch parade around being mad for a little while. My anger is righteous and I’m not going to feel ashamed or bad or immature about it! If I’m feeling tired all the time, I’m going to make my bed into a gorgeous sanctuary and Get In It. My body is a genius and what it has to say is brilliant! If I’m feeling a lack of something, I’m going to get down with desiring it, write a poem to it, let people know I desire it, and invite it in! I’m going to rock all of my vibrant and important emotions and live out loud!

    Thank you. xx

  • SG Catherine February 10, 2015, 3:18 pm

    If you moved the SWA to southern California, you wouldn’t have this problem with winter. Just saying…

    Also, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to stop hating myself when, according to this course, I am responsible for every single thing that happens to me. Did your pussy conjure winter, Regena? Or is it just an inevitable part of life that people in your part of the world have to contend with?

  • SG Mary February 10, 2015, 2:19 pm

    This line hit the sweet spot:
    “Unexpressed anger is just another form of self-hatred.”

    Who knew that self-hatred could look like unexpressed anger? When I was younger, I used to tell my mother the things that I hated. I felt so angry that I used to say, “I hate…, I hate…, I hate…” And she used to respond to me by saying that I should not hate, it’s ugly (and since I didn’t think I was pretty, I had better not make it worse). So, I stopped saying it yet I was always feeling it. Then, in personal development courses that I have taken in my 30s, having any hate or anger, I was taught to transform it – which is very challenging and then I was hating myself for not being able to transform my anger!

    I am so sick of berating myself and being angry at myself for having feelings of hate and anger – for being so fucking nice!

    I am so sick of hating myself for hating myself! Enough!

    Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (I am stomping my feet as I type this!!!)

    Wow! I can see that expressing my anger is powerful and a form of self love, self acceptance, and self approval.

    I adore myself, you, and all women.

    Thank you Mama Gena your wake up post!

  • Sabrina Law February 10, 2015, 2:01 pm

    Wow! Thank you Mama! I really needed this one, it came at EXACTLY the right time. I had noticed I was doing this self hating thing but not during the day… in the quiet restlessness of the night, unable to keep it all together, and I wasn’t sure how to find a way out. But now I know to express the anger. Can’t wait to drink form the well at Mastery:)

    xx

  • Kate Midwest February 10, 2015, 1:47 pm

    I got into grad school…but the self doubting thoughts are still there…maybe it’s not worth it, maybe I won’t find a job afterward, maybe I won’t be any good at it in the end. Today I say, “Doubt: Be gone bitch!”

  • Jennifer February 10, 2015, 1:41 pm

    Dear Mama,
    How perfect to write this just before Valentine’s Day…for all the single Goddesses!! Wow!! YES…I have to stand for having a fabulous man in my life because I’ll tell you that at 49 years old…apparently our culture thinks I’ve decided not to marry. As if the ship has left the dock…missed the boat.
    Sometimes I feel like I and walking through quicksand, against the tide. It’s not easy.
    Well so I am going to reread your post and meditate on BEING the woman that will attract the man with the qualities I truly desire!!!!!
    Happy Valentines Day Love!!
    XO SG Jennifer

  • Laura February 10, 2015, 1:31 pm

    This has been a life long shift for me. Since I have been in the SWA Mirrors are my friends ,
    I have shifted my focus from tolerance to JOY and I believe myself to be beautiful for the first time in my life.
    Lately I had a health wake up call and I am using COJO to see what lessons are there for me. This takes time so I have cleared the space for ME to make yet another deeper shift in self love .
    Fuck February and it’s cold I am getting hotter with each day
    I adore you and your work

    • SG Janell March 10, 2015, 11:00 pm

      Dear Laura, your post reminded me of the lyrics from a song by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. I offer it as an ode to you and all of us Goddesses who are heating up winter:

      The mercury’s rising
      And there ain’t no disguising
      What you do do do do to me

      It won’t stop raining
      And there ain’t no explaining why I feel,
      Feel, feel a warm summer breeze

      Oh babe you make me feel like it’s a
      Hot summer night
      Even though it’s the middle of the winter
      And it’s really bad weather
      It’s a hot summer night
      When I’m next to you, baby

      The weather is frightful
      But if you stay for the night
      It’ll be like a long, long, long day at the beach

      Don’t let it go to waste
      Cause, baby just a taste
      Would be sweeter, sweeter, sweeter
      Than a Georgia peach

      Oh babe you make me feel like it’s a
      Hot summer night
      Even though it’s the middle of the winter
      And it’s really bad weather
      It’s a hot summer night
      When I’m next to you, baby

      * * *
      Keep on rockin’ it, sister. Spring’s a-comin’.

  • Sister Goddess Dana February 10, 2015, 1:29 pm

    I love that thats ME in the picture! Mastery Grad 2014! I think everything happens for a reason. The GPS and the Universe don’t make mistakes. Thank you Mama for the much needed reminders!!!

    Dana

  • Posey February 10, 2015, 1:28 pm

    I seemed to be going along just fine, until a year ago. I had always prided myself on shocking people with my age, and the fact that I had 2 grandchildren. After all, don’t most grandmas in their 60’s look like the stereotypical grannies on tv commercials, sporting short grey hair, wrinkles, and mature outfits? So there I was, for years, loving my long (dyed) dark hair, wearing stylish clothes, hot shoes, fooling everyone into thinking that my granddaughters were my own daughters. I always joked that I had to stay that way until I find a husband. As recently as 3 years ago at the water park, a new mother struck up a conversation with me while I was holding my 6 month old granddaughter. She thought I was holding my own child, and asked me what my labor and delivery was like! Talk about puffing my ego up even more! I felt young and alive, and gorgeous. My charade went on until a year ago, when I had to stop coloring my hair due to scalp irritation. I used temporary root touch-up sprays for awhile, and eventually had to buy a long dark wig. I couldn’t give up my image of long flowing dark hair, so I carried on this way until the grey regrowth was not hideable anymore. Five months ago, I cut off what was left of the dark dye, and was left with short cropped grey hair. Friends told me it looked stunning, but when I looked in the mirror all I saw was an old woman, and sometimes even thought I looked like a man. No amount of makeup and jewelry has changed the way I see myself. My hair is growing quickly, but the grey has changed my outlook. Now, I’m thinking I’m too old to go on a trip, too old to find a husband, worrying about my health, constantly checking my heart rate to make sure everything’s okay. It’s been quite a downhill spiral, although that grey hair (which really is a lovely shade of silver) has obviously been under there for a very long time. But it has brought me to my knees. Men look at me, and I look away, thinking who’s going to want this. So yeah, self-loathing is something that I’m grappling with right now. Thanks for your post, Mama Gena. I hope today is the day I can finally start to see my light.

  • Karen February 10, 2015, 12:28 pm

    I am definitely stuck in the mire of self-hatred today. As usual, Mama, you are right on time.
    What I choose to do differently today, even though it is mightily difficult and I feel so scared doing it, is I am reaching out to my sisters with my vulnerability. Instead of feeling ashamed and like I don’t belong among anyone, much less a powerful group of on-fire gorgeous women, I am showing my sad little face even though I feel like hiding it. I can’t seem to get it together today, and I choose to relax into that instead of trying to “fix” whatever is going on in me. I trust it, I surrender to it, but I will not give in to the belief that I am alone and I don’t belong here. So that is my stand in doing things differently. Stand here and be seen even though right now that seems scary. Thanks so much for this forum, I truly appreciate it.

    • Magical February 10, 2015, 1:08 pm

      Courageous Karen! You are among Sisters, I know there is at least one thing you can feel gorgeous about…

  • Donna Ann February 10, 2015, 12:22 pm

    Living in California, there’s not the same amount of energy that you have to use to negotiate the simple things like dressing in layers just to go to the store. I lived in Chicago for a time and longed for my sunny home., but when I did live there I know that life was more challenging to stay happy and peaceful, so I made a ritual everyday of gratitude for the little things , like my sweet little girls smile, or how she looked all bundled up in her snow suit. I played the glad game and looked for reasons to say Thank you. Corny , but it worked for me. With Love,D

  • SG Annette Sparkle Dancer February 10, 2015, 12:17 pm

    Funny how I thought that since I was way past the vitriolic self-loathing of my 20s I didn’t have any issues with self-hatred any more. Ummm, when you frame it like you did, Mama, I can see self-hatred still has tentacles spread through my life. So, while I have no food issues or body-image problems any more and I’ve forgiven my mom for being imperfect AKA human, I do often start seething with frustration at myself when I might be kind to a friend in a similar situation. Can’t figure out if my fiancé should remain my fiancé? Grrrrrr! Why not??? Continuously underearning income whilst fastidiously lifting up everyone around me? Again??? @-@ So, maybe those types of situations are double-whammys of self-hatred, in disguise. I put myself there over and over again. And, I am disgruntled, frustrated and sometimes outright enraged that I keep singing the same dysfunctional song! So, what sword will I pull from the stone today? I will forgive myself for having a deep-muscle injury that was just a kind of split-second freak accident. I’ll be patient that movement, my go-to fix-every-bad-feeling solution, is not available. I’ll be grateful that forced stillness clears space to meditate and to study and to breathe into the tough decisions and the looming uncertainties. It’s a start!

  • Elektra February 10, 2015, 12:14 pm

    I watched Chocolat last night, talk about a powerfully beautiful woman who knows how to celebrate and accept herself and empower those around her! I was reminded of how much I love myself … I fell in love all over again! It is a privilege to be a woman!

    • corneille February 11, 2015, 8:38 pm

      Chocolat is one of my all time favorites, along with To Wong Foo, thanks for the memories Julie Newmar, and the Joy Luck Club…each of them keep the February (or anytime) blues from my door:)

    • SG AnuKa February 13, 2015, 12:46 am

      Yes, Chocolat! Thank you for this beautiful post and reminding me of this powerful movie, I’m going to watch it again as soon as possible.

  • Nathalie February 10, 2015, 12:12 pm

    What pulled at my heart the most were the following lines because I caught myself doing that in front of my own daughters and I grew up watching it, and I remember struggling to not fall in the same trap very vividly!

    ” You walk into a room thinking you are nothing, you teach your daughter she’s nothing. That’s how we catch it.”

    Our daughters need to continue to witness their mothers transform into the highest version of themselves and embrace every endearing ‘flaw’. They add so much texture to our lives!

  • Sophie February 10, 2015, 12:10 pm

    This article came at the right moment, when I decided to go for what I want, desire and deserve. It started by saying “enough” to a “friend” who used nasty words to describe me recently. It’s about saying I don’t want the abuse because it’s unhealthy and quite frankly, not what I deserve. It’s the feeling inside that I am worth more, that I know I threat others with respect and authenticity and expect the same. Otherwise, I walk away without any regrets.

    It’s about saying to a lover that I want more and expect more than the quick sexual encounter that we’ve had together. It doesn’t fill me up anymore; on the contrary it depletes me.

    It’s about being brave enough to stand tall and verbalize what I want and be really ok with others leaving my life if they can only deliver crumbs.
    I feel empowered. I know I’m not alone. I know I am enough. I feel in all my pores and in my soul that I’ve always been enough…now I believe it and I know it.

    S.

    what self-hatred will you put back in its place today

    • SG Southern Wine February 10, 2015, 3:23 pm

      Excellent! Your comments really hit home with me… Thank you!! naming what no longer fulfills me, but rather depletes me, and being willing to let it go… Not settling for crumbs anymore, and going for what I want, desire, and deserve! AMEN!

      I stand for you, as I stand for myself as well. God bless!

      • http://www./ November 25, 2016, 2:27 am

        I would not survive on 700 calories a day! And I can’t skip meals…if I am hungry I am not a very pleasant person! Your lunch looks yummy…I need to start making extra baked potatoes to eat for lunch. YUM!

    • SG AnuKa February 13, 2015, 12:40 am

      Powerful inspiration, Sophie, thanks. Actually saying what you mean to specific people, setting those standards, changing the rules of a relationship- it really does take courage and it has the power to transform our lives. Congratulations on living your truths. I’m doing some major work of this kind right now, and it was great to read your story!

  • Magical February 10, 2015, 12:05 pm

    I think not doing it right, is one of my biggest complaints to myself right now. However I learned about a great way to change that, a way to generate more appreciation and love for myself: just appreciate oneself for anything you do in the MOST MOST outrageous way. Like writing this, I am so incredibly courageous I am sharing this with maybe hundreds of women, and look, wow, typed so perfect while English is not my language, and even though I cannot blind type with all fingers it goes really fast, and I can even type with my other fingers too, wow, all fingers! I make typing look so graceful. I could be the Goddess of typing! And look how I sit up so beautifully straight on my chair, and on my but, both buttocks even, making sitting look so easy, they are really Divine buttocks, they can do this so well, and this morning looking at myself in the mirror I thought… wow, since a hair cut is overdue, I can see how beautiful long my hair is growing, what a lush head of hair… and when I look in the mirror I can make not only my mouth but also my eyes smile.. I can even make my whole body smile….. my breasts love it when I make them smile…. I wonder if I can make them smile soo much my Beloved will notice they are smiling…..

    • SG Janell March 10, 2015, 10:46 pm

      oh my god. this is the BEST!!!! you are adorable. and you have totally inspired me and given me clarity on how to take my own self-approval and adoration to the next level. love it. thank you!! xoxo

  • Stephani Adams February 10, 2015, 11:56 am

    Ah February, I have always struggled with you, for ’tis the month in which I was born. February 11th to be exact (I desire birthday wishes): the 11th day of the 11th sign. (I am a full-on Aquarius baby!). But I digress. I hate what February looks like too!! The gray, cold, dreary days on end, turning the landscape in to barren wombs and gnarled dried up old men. BUT this is the month of my birth it should generate PRETTY, Beautiful, Succulent, JUICY feelings dammit! I am such a sun baby too, gots to have me some rays to function at my highest self. Thus, I desire to always and forevermore in February make trips to lands that never see the temp dip below 75 degrees! To rejuvenate my gorgeous body, dance in the moonlight, and envelope me in the sultry smells of the lush forest and salty ginger sunshine. THAT is the scent I leave behind! xo

    • SG Annette Sparkle Dancer February 10, 2015, 12:24 pm

      And so shall it be, or something even better! Rock on, February baby! An early happy, happy, happy birthday to you!

      • Karen February 10, 2015, 12:33 pm

        Happiest of birthdays, Stephani! I see you dancing in that moonlight, guuuurrrrl! You got this 🙂

  • Carmen February 10, 2015, 11:15 am

    This was right on time. Thank you!

    I’m committing to make time to do the things that nourish my spirit – even if that means doing nothing at all – and not feel bad about it!

    I’m also definitely going to that pole dancing class tonight!

  • Maggie February 10, 2015, 11:11 am

    “If you think you’re nothing, are you going to stand for the relationship you long for? Maybe for a minute. But if somebody says, “I don’t think you will get what you want,” your heart will break, and you will crumble.”

    This one. This is where my self-loathing has been focused lately, in the “it’ll never happen” pit of sadness. Thanks for the reminder that I can still bravely stand up and desire, and see it and believe myself worthy and conjure the feeling inside of it now.

  • SG Sue February 10, 2015, 11:08 am

    I cannot tell you what being house bound with about 5 feet of snow outside will do for your self-love. I am bored and lonely and that always gets me in trouble. I have been keeping up with my workouts and have released over 10 lbs. I know you can’t change the weather, but for fuck’s sake, stop with the snow already!

  • M.CoCo February 10, 2015, 11:07 am

    This is such a timely post! In exploring my true desires and seeing my authentic self, I often become overcome with that fear of being just “too much” for the space I am currently reside in (work & relationship wise). Instead of kicking down the perceived barriers, how often I turn that energy into hating on myself! Wrong Answer! I love the imagery of leaving a trail of beautiful fragrance behind as we pass through the spaces and places of our lives. Always something to give, always room to grow.
    Thanks so much for this!

  • Rose Ann February 10, 2015, 11:04 am

    I’ve been debating with myself about what I’ll say in my Valentine’s day card to the man I want. This morning, I realized I want to say, “You take my breath away.” Thanks for clearing that up for me!

  • SG Suzy February 10, 2015, 10:56 am

    There have been times when I’ve been on the brink of big growth, of giving up old, long-held, limiting beliefs or patterns…. and at those times I’ve felt how the belief and/or pattern has been held by so many women in my lineage….. and how it’s been handed down and down and down. Self hatred is one of those, that I can feel running through other women in my family and in my lineage. At these times of growth I’ve discovered that it helps me to actually apologize to all those women, because it feels somehow like an act of disloyalty to veer away from the family ‘tradition’ by choosing something different. I say something like this: “Thank you for everything you’ve given me. I understand why you’ve held on to self hatred for so long. I’m sorry you had it so hard. And now I need to leave that behind and make a different choice. With great respect and honor, I choose differently. I choose to break with this tradition. I choose love.” And this helps me to step out of the pattern and liberate myself. And I hold the intention for healing for those who have gone before me.

    • SG Tiiu February 10, 2015, 11:40 am

      Wow! Thank you for that!

      • SG Suzy February 10, 2015, 2:10 pm

        So glad you found it helpful! xo

    • SG Mary February 10, 2015, 2:22 pm

      Beautiful…thank you.

      • SG Suzy February 10, 2015, 8:59 pm

        SG Mary….. thank you. xo

    • SG AnuKa February 13, 2015, 12:24 am

      Thank you Suzy, that was brilliant, and your timing was perfect. I’ve been working through that same conflict. I’ve found that even after a long life of trauma, abuse and loss, it still isn’t enough to allow me, w/in the family culture, to qualify for wanting to be happy now, and to finally live in ways that are authentic to me. It would show profound disrespect to the women before me, and proof that I am shallow, selfish, a bad or heartless person, who doesn’t love my family members and is abandoning them.

      I fully understand now that it’s insane that I, or ANYONE, was ever taught that. I’m stepping out of hell and into the beautiful good of the world. Definitely feeling the fear! The backlash has already been nasty. I’ve still been holding back from going full out for my best life, now that I finally have the chance, because I learned that the profound love I feel for them, and sorrow for their pain, is best expressed through the loss of my own life and safety. But- I’ve paid my dues a zillion times over, and it’s time that we all got to move into the 21st century!

      I’m going to try your beautiful invocation/blessing tonight. A major part of healing this family prohibition against happiness is to finally let go of a life of shame and responsibility for my mother getting pregnant too young with me, and it “ruining” her life. Gently transferring that responsibility back to her, and my father, their parents, and visualizing healing, care and gratitude to them all. And by turning my focus to good and happiness, I will be able to make a great life, and then have so much more to offer them- love uncompromised and full. I actually love the winter, especially January and February. It’s the time of year I can move most deeply into my spiritual life. And- I believe I was conceived somewhere close to Valentine’s Day- I embrace that now- I can be, and bring Great Love! Thank you for the blessing of your words.

      • SG Suzy February 14, 2015, 5:55 am

        beautiful SG AnuKa, I’m awed by your commitment, and I can feel the grief and also the profound power in your words. I’m so moved and grateful that my sharing has been used so beautifully by you and that it’s been helpful to you. I send you buckets of support and stand by your side as you create a new path for yourself, veering gently away from pain into love, step by step. I so get everything you talk about regarding your family culture. It can really be a prison! Here’s to us, as we free ourselves together! xo

        • SG AnuKa February 14, 2015, 8:16 pm

          Cheers and congratulations to you, moving forward, SG Suzy! Your courage and loving kindness in making this revolutionary change for yourself AND for you family, back through the generations, is greatly inspiring. Thank you for your beautiful words and encouragement, and for sharing your authenticity and voice. And I send you powerful support and mutually hold the space to walk through this reclaiming and redesigning of life and destiny. We can hold this vision for each other, and for our relatives past and present. Happy day-of-celebration-of-love-of-all-kinds-in-all-ways, how auspicious that we’ve had this conversation around this holiday- I think it’s a sign of success to come- Blessings!

          • SG Suzy February 18, 2015, 8:30 am

            XOXOXO

            Thank you so much, SG AnuKa! Blessings to you!

  • Ellen Levin February 10, 2015, 10:53 am

    oooooooooooooooppppoohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yes! self loathing is a HUGE epidemic, particularly amongst women.

    I have NONE OF IT NOW…….thanks to my teachers…….. beginning with SWA…….. then onto Finding Freedom (a course in miracles class) and most recently the spiritual teachings of E. Tolle and MOOJI!!!!!!!!!!! I am a MOOJI LOVER Ha!

    I have totally transformed my inner life and thus everything on the outside appears differently than it use to.

    I practice complete self love everyday in all decisions I make…….. asking myself what the loving choice is!

    I have a fabulous daily yoga practice, breathing, mediation, hugging myself with love, massaging my heart with love, saying the I LOVE YOU ELLEN mantra, daily gratitude list and much much more……… DAILY MORNING RITUALS~~~~~~~~~~

    My daily mantra is THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for everything
    Everything is PERFECT……………..and it is
    I lack nothing

    YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    love and light to all!

    FEELING FABULOUS and FANTASTIC EVERY DAY

    xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo

    • Maria February 10, 2015, 11:40 am

      Ellen,
      You are such a Diva mentor. Rock on!!!!!

      • Ellen Levin February 10, 2015, 12:47 pm

        We are all in it together MARIA
        THANKS

    • Linea February 13, 2015, 5:59 am

      Thank you that was so great that even your yeah was coming out of the text box! Gracias!

  • Ricquel February 10, 2015, 10:50 am

    Thank you for this post. I have been on a roller coaster of self-love and self-hatred since coming off the Experience weekend. I want to do Mastery…without a job I have not been able to conjure up the funding to secure a place for March. Thus, I have been hating myself for not having a job, and for being in a job for the past four years were I was seriously undervalued. I know that I’m brilliant, innovative, and a beautiful force to be behold. I WILL create my wealth empire and I WILL do MASTERY AND CREATIONS because the scent of my legacy is beautiful and sweetly powerful.

    • SG Genna February 10, 2015, 11:06 am

      Rock on Ricquel! Your truth always shines so bright and inspires big xo

    • SG Cherry February 11, 2015, 4:03 pm

      Ricquel – I’m right there with you. Kids graduating, separation in process … Winter blahs and deep integration and contraction after the gorgeous experience weekend. Next year? :). Sending love!! And THANK YOU Mama Gena. So grateful! Delicious night out tonight from your inspiration!

  • Andie February 10, 2015, 10:49 am

    The last time someone so much as suggested that I should want to lose weight, I pointed at my (proportional size-14) ass and said, “Have you seen my ass? Why in Goddess’ name would I want to starve myself on Weight Watchers so I can lose that?” And the last time someone suggested I was spending too much on buying sweetgreen for lunch when I come into the office, I didn’t even dignify them with a response. I’m not going to explain my desire to eat a beautiful salad instead of nauseating cafeteria food to anyone!

    • SG Tiiu February 10, 2015, 11:37 am

      Yes!! So with you there, sister!

  • Mamasutra February 10, 2015, 10:46 am

    THANK YOU, Mama Gena! You’re singing my song. Woke up again this morning feeling completely ugh, blahhh. Haven’t been taking good care of myself or my appearance. Why bother? Between the wool hats and the static cling, my hair is a fright. Why shave my legs? I need all the extra fur I can get to keep me warm! You get the picture — bundled, bored and blah. And hating myself for it.
    Going to turn that frown upside down, put on some ravishing lipstick and kiss the mirror. Reclaiming my sexy and owning my beauty – here I come! So grateful to know that I’m not the only one.
    XO,
    Maurya

    • Karen February 10, 2015, 12:40 pm

      Mamsutra – wow, do I hear you! I am in the same boat and soooo tired of the snow and cold. Will be manifesting a trip to sunny southern CA within 4 weeks. Cannot wait – we NEED some sunshine, sister!

  • tammi February 10, 2015, 10:44 am

    Sure is good to know that I am not the only person feeling the pains of February. I am going to pursue the relationship with my man that I long for. I will get what I want. Thanks Mama

  • SG Joan Champion of Pleasure February 10, 2015, 10:41 am

    Oh Mama. I so get what you are saying about the desire to hibernate inside during this weather! I have not been getting to the gym either. I miss my outdoor bike rides along the river and the stationery bike at the Y just isn’t the same and it seems so far away! And forget about wanting to swim in that cold pool! The sauna is the only possible draw but it hasn’t lured me out to walk those 11 blocks in the cold yet. I have comforted myself at home by doing yoga every day, self pleasuring and getting a lot of indoor tasks done. Yesterday, I took a long hot shower, then lay on my bed for a half hour stroking myself with the SWA feathers and rubbing my favorite shea butter all over my body. And yes, my pussy got a lot of attention too. It was glorious! I had similar plans for today but I am surrounded by construction noise from my neighbor’s renovation. This almost led me to tears and a mini-breakdown. It led me to thoughts of self loathing too. Why don’t I have the money to renovate MY apt? What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I marry an orthopedic surgeon like my neighbor did? EtcEtc down the self loathing road. But your e-mail snaps me out of this. And I must now go out in the cold because my husband just discovered alternate side parking is in effect today and we have to did out the car which has been stuck in the ice for days. More self loathing that we can’t afford a garage? Or just gratitude we have a car and a shovel. And gratitude that I have a husband to share the shit with!!! Love to all you goddesses as we shovel our way out of the snow, the sadness, the self loathing. Dance breaks for all! More later.

  • Andrea Cook February 10, 2015, 10:34 am

    This. Inspired me. Big time. Beautifully written. Needed to be said. Thank you.

  • Barbara February 10, 2015, 10:25 am

    Genius. So appreciate you.

  • Maria February 10, 2015, 10:23 am

    Hello Mama,
    There are no coincidences… For the last week I have been in the dark cloud of self loathing. I’ve recently become a life coach and can’t seem to get my biz of the ground. My peers are getting clients and expanding their empires. I’m happy for them, but also envious. I know that it WILL happen and that when It feels really bad, positive change is coming. Your post reminded me to “snap out of it” and keep trucking. Thanks Mama. I’m going upstairs , getting dressed and continue on my entrepreneurial path.

  • SG Claudine February 10, 2015, 10:17 am

    Amazing post!
    I’m going to dance, smooch myself and get to my writing!!!!!!!!