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The pitfalls of being “nice”.

So . . . he starts to kiss you in a way that makes you feel like he is a bull and you are a salt lick. But you really like him. So, you say nothing, and just kind of try to hope that one day it improves.

Or:
Your partner continues to drink too much and get too loud at parties. You are utterly humiliated, but you weakly agree to drive home and say nothing. Again.

Or:
The gal you live with is a pack rat, and your apartment is gradually looking more and more like an overcrowded storage unit. But you don’t want to risk losing the relationship, so you hold your tongue.

Do you ever wonder, why do women make these choices?

They are being “nice.”
Nice.
“If I tell him the truth, I might hurt his feelings.”
“If I tell her the truth, she might leave me.”
“If I tell her the truth, she will get mad at me.”

So, instead of saying the truth, I am going to be nice.

Nice.
Why has that word turned my eternal stomach since the dawn of time?
The Latin root of the word is nescius, meaning ignorant. Interesting, huh?
Girls: sugar and spice and everything nice.

Be nice.
Look nice.
Act nice.

Yuck, blech, no thank you.

This is why women consistently, consistently, consistently fail to speak up.
Consistently.
And it is not that we are actually ignorant. Or we do not know. Women make a deliberate decision to dumb down. And sit on their truth.
They act nice, instead of speaking up and speaking out with their exciting, amazing, elevating, educative points of view.

And this failure is a not kidding no kidding problem.
It has led to a world run amuck.
With intolerable, inexcusable behavior.

I see this nice problem everywhere. Nice is silence. Nice is holding your tongue when you are hurt or offended.
Women—universally and habitually—sit on their truth.

My younger Sisters feel unable to call out the guys they date for bad behavior, because they want to be popular. Other women hold back in order to please their partners, or simply because they have never really learned how to stand for their own perspectives.

Sisters. We can do better.

If women would give up being “nice” and toss in a huge dose of truth, everything would change.
Actually, truth is waaaaaay more nice than ignorance.

When a woman risks her truth, the world around her recalibrates and everything is elevated.

The only way to disconnect a woman from “nice” and connect her with her truth, is through plugging her into her turn on. That is what frees a woman to go for what she wants, speak her truths, and stand for herself and her desires. Nothing else does. Nothing. Not ever.

What you have been longing for most is always the last place you look, isn’t it?
Who knew that the discipline of pleasure could connect a woman to her core fire in a way that nothing else can?

Living truth is high risk.

In the comments below, I want to know, where in your world are you longing to spill your deepest truth right now?
And what would you say?
Is it with your partner?
Your kids?
Your work?
Boss?
Co-workers?
Your family?
Friends?
What would you say to the world at large?
How could your perspectives elevate everyone around you?
What do you see that no one else seems to notice?

Let it rip, Sisters… it’s time.

I can’t wait to continue the conversation below.

xox,

Regena Thomashauer, aka “Mama Gena”
Founder & CEO, The School of Womanly Arts

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97 Comments / Leave a Comment

97 comments… add one

  • Lori August 18, 2017, 8:37 pm

    At 47 I’ve hit a brick wall; my “niceitis” is killing me. I’m realizing I’ve traded myself away all my life. It’s my ground zero and I am starting all over. I’m so happy to have found this blog. Thank you!

  • Christine August 7, 2017, 12:19 am

    So what do I tell me 3 y.o. daughter in teaching her to be respectful and responsible?

    Great post! Thank you!! Mama Gena changed my life 180°

  • Priscilla August 5, 2017, 11:04 am

    There is always that fear in speaking my truth… fear that in my relationship that he will be done, that he will consider me a liability… or too much darn trouble. But, if I remain silent and numb I miss out in life. I die a little bit each time I forget who and what I am. I have always been taken care of, even when I had NO clue how the miracle would come. I choose to live, to thrive and take risks. I wish it would get easier, but honestly it doesn’t seem to. Still each time I see the blessing in speaking the words.

  • Bob August 4, 2017, 5:04 pm

    Thank you, Mama Gena! As a guy (the guy who was first to come on stage with you in New York a few months ago), this goes both ways–I would say both my partner and I try to be too “nice” to not offend the other, and it ends up we don;t share enough with each other! The truth would not scare the other away, but we both fear that…we all need more honesty–it builds closer relationships! Thank you for your advice–helpful as always!

  • Stéphanie August 4, 2017, 11:14 am

    I am also allergic to the word nice. Nice is safe, dulled, compliant, complicit… Not whole!
    I have just realised how I am diluting my truth because I don’t want to make others uncomfortable. How I still, still play it safe because I don’t want to stand out too much. How I still tiptoeing around what I want.

    I want to be bolder. More fun. More authentic. More true. More real.
    I want to be outrageous, in my own way. I chose to do Mastery last year because I was called to more delicious outrageousness!
    I want to shine so bright that women who want to shine are inspired.

  • Sylvia August 4, 2017, 4:16 am

    Shamefully, very shamefully, I am nice for, and with, everyone-everyone. I shake my head at how much of myself I have lost through the years by being compliant, by diffusing others’ tempers, by avoiding the sarcasm that comes from speaking honestly. I was convinced that honesty was too much work. I have allowed myself to disappear in the process. No. CORRECTION: I made myself disappear. I erase myself when I choose to be quiet when my husband flies off the handle to avoid inciting him further. I told myself it was in the name of peace. I become disposable when I am completely silent when my in-laws disrespect me and raise their voices. I told myself that it was out of respect for them. I become a doormat when I do not affirm myself with my coworkers. I assure myself that an argument in the office is unprofessional. And I continue this pattern with all of my relationships because it is better to be nice and civil even if I am the only one being nice. I have grown afraid of criticism, or being questioned. I rather take some abuse and give out waaaaay more love than people deserve to show them how we can all treat each other better and more lovingly. But without words to back it up, they will never ‘get it.’ Nor should they. I should not squeeze love out of myself into the world and hope, while shaking under the covers, for the world to change and love me back. I have given the world nothing to love about me because there is nothing left. If I cannot stand for my own dignity, I won’t even respect myself. I used to be an empowered and unapologetic, brutally honest young woman. My, how I’ve changed. The relationship I am in has taught me to tolerate indignities and as I become more ashamed of myself, the more I want to hide. Silence is a way to hide. Silence is a way to pretend you are not making a negative contribution. It is a way to pretend you haven’t even acted at all. But that is an easy lie. I have chosen each time to diminish myself for others. I shake my head at how subliminal the transition was for me. How easy it was to make me nice. Fuuck.
    Trying to retrain myself is a process: sometimes I succeed valiantly, other times I fail miserably. They key, I find, is that I should keep speaking. Even if I failed to speak before. Even if what I say sucks. Even if everyone hates it. Speaking whatever comes out is like running the plumbing until the water comes out clear. Let the muck out. Sometimes when the muck comes out I quickly close the faucet, but then I realize I’m hiding and I open it again. I learned it’s okay to come back to a situation I walked away from and say what I was too fearful to say in the moment. “By the way, I didn’t like what you said to me earlier…” the person usually replies angry that I am not nice. Glad they noticed I’m done with that BS. Speak to me with respect, or not at all. That’s a hard line-strictly enforced. I don’t care if you are my lover or my boss.
    The more I keep quiet, the longer it will take to find my voice. Journaling helps! That is because it is another venue to speak up. And I want to avoid exploding my years of frustration on everyone who even thinks of disrespecting me. 😉
    Speak, speak, and speak some more. Whatever comes out, it’s okay. Just speak.

  • Nor August 3, 2017, 8:15 pm

    I have owned a marketing and creative services company for many years and I have mainly done work for clients locally – locally being the NY tri-state area. I am good at what I do but there have been times when a client has wanted something that wasn’t going to represent their brand properly and rather than argue or offend I would acquiesce. I had a,”Well it’s just my little firm”, mentality and was nice rather than the professional that I am until I was wonderfully awakened.

    Many times I had been sent applications for graphic design competitions and never entered. I had just finished a website for a client and decided to reply to a prestigious competition. I figured what the heck.

    About a month later I received a large envelope from them with a form on the top of three sheets of paper. I thought that something must have happened to my online entry and they were sending me a hard copy to fill out. I then sorted through the other papers and found I had won for best website design. I was thrilled but then I read a copy of the letter they had sent my client which stated that out of 9,000 entries I was given this award and then it got even better. They added that my client was in good company as other awards had been given to (and this is where everything changed) 50 other companies such as: Apple, Coca-Cola, General Motors, GE, P&G, The White House and others. It was then that I realized that I wasn’t out of their league but a part of it. From that point on I became a better business woman. I didn’t have to create second rate design or marketing just because I didn’t want to offend a client – or heaven forbid lose a client. Instead, I would remind them that they hired me for a reason and that if they didn’t want to step outside their comfort zone they could find someone else. The funny thing is ever since then I have only had clients who want to stretch the limits of their ideas about what design or copy can do and it’s been a wonderful ride!

    • Becky August 3, 2017, 8:33 pm

      Yess!
      I’m inspired!!

  • Jill C August 3, 2017, 7:55 pm

    This is one I have always had hands down…I never worried about being nice and always chose to “call it like I see it”…yes…did I get criticism. ..I was called “brutally honest”….but I was respected. I chose to tell people to their face my thoughts and though sometimes not the “nicest” to hear…they knew exactly where they stood with me…..Good luck sisters …own your truth

  • Molly August 3, 2017, 1:26 pm

    As I weave my way through a divorce after 20 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I have experienced the ultimate pitfall of being “nice.”

    It wasn’t until I spoke out loud, “right now a terminal illness sounds great,” that I realized my stuffed down voice had sent me into a serious depression. I worked on it and came out the other side a badass, fully in touch with my voice and ready to suffer the consequences of using it. The ultimate consequence being my marriage. Regardless, I step into this new phase of my life ready to speak, to write, to create and to shine – all thanks to my voice, my truth and a heaping mound of effort.

    Thank you for writing this blog posting. Truly, it could not have come at a better time. I look forward to reading every single comment as you are my soul sisters of badassery. Keep rocking it to every single one of you. Raise your daughters well and stay true to your truth. I want to hear it!

  • SG Jules August 3, 2017, 10:54 am

    Thank you for this “nice” topic !! I’ve got some anger and tension to release behind this one !!Being nice and having my head walked so that others stay out of the pitfall is something I realize I was trained to do… when I heard my brother-in-law of 30 some years say recently « It must have been ruthless growing up », it got me thinking … he was there when I was a kid …. And recently, co-workers were angry because I don’t eat lunch at work ?? (Are there rules about where we « must » eat lunch, lol)… In a fit, as a conclusion to the lunchtime communication breakdown, one of them claimed to do everything on the job because everything is decided at lunchtime… ??… later, when I had processed it all, I got angry & « spilled the beans » in the teacher’s lounge, I said nice and loud that over the past 5 yeats when they were «sick », I had taken on the extra class or 2 in my schedule every year & all year with no pay benefit in order to lighten their work load. This did not fall into deaf ears, lol … Did they worry about who did the job when it wasn’t they who were NOT doing it ? …. I’ve rarely said these things «aloud », I thought « you just don’t do that »,… because talking about my feelings was « complaining » and « whining ». Speaking up was rude and no-one would want to listen to me. When I was a child, my mom told me that people, especially adults, were intimidated by me… the « problem » was me… I was like « what ??? », I had never even thought about these things… it was like I was being re-programmed… sort of like re-writing my script : you need to be « nice » so that others can push you into « their » pitfalls in order to stay grounded themselves. So part of me, unlearned its natural ways to accomodate everyone else’s comfort. It was all so confusing, I’m going back to speaking my mind whenever I feel like it 🙂 XO

  • Angie Beckh August 3, 2017, 4:07 am

    I learned to act in total alignment with my true self as far as intimate relationships are concerned and within in a month of being the person I wanted to meet, in total integrity and authenticity, I met the most amazing conscious man who is more than even my imagination could envisage. I have learned how and when to speak my truth, and how and when to ask for my needs to be met. While being sensitive to his needs too. And the joy that I am experiencing bursts from me. Why then am I not able to do this with my three teenage boys? Why do I feel so unappreciated at home? So unseen? So lacking in respect? Am I giving too much and asking for too little?

    • Sophia August 3, 2017, 12:46 pm

      Dear Angie,

      First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! You did it! You finally attracted the intimate relationship you’ve been craving. Way to go, powerful woman! So, how did you do it? I’m guessing that, first, you had to believe it was possible. Then, you had to discover your obstacles. Low self-esteem? Limiting beliefs? Past traumas? Whatever the case, you looked within and did the work. You wrote a new contract with yourself and so life wrote a new contract with you. WOOHOO! Now, what about these sons of yours? Oh my! Well, they are still relating to the old you. Aren’t they? They are clinging to old contracts because they don’t know any better. It’s just habit. You’ll have to train them how to treat you now. Believe you can do it, and you can. Although it might be difficult for everyone, stay with it. Make a new contract with yourself first about what kind of relationship you will now have with yours boys. Commit to it with all your heart. Next, communicate the new contract with them and implement the change. Gather them up and sit them down and let them know the new rules. Acknowledge that you taught them how to treat you, tell them why you were the way you were, then tell them who you are now and what they can expect from you and what you now expect from them. If necessary, ask for forgiveness. Even if you say, “I’m sorry I didn’t respect myself and I allowed you to treat me poorly,” that could be very helpful. Also, remember that you are the boss. Don’t treat them like siblings by arguing with them. They can get angry, but you can stay calm. Be specific as possible about what must change. Let them know that you didn’t have a good role model for how to be a happy and confident woman, but that you are committed to becoming exactly that. These things tend to be unresolved for many generations. Let the boys know that this pattern ends with you. And remember, better late than never. Be kind to yourself and them. I’m guessing you have all been through some significant challenges. Honor the past, but move forward with grace, like the goddess you truly are. I know you can do this! I celebrate your success both current and future. Make it so, Sister Goddess!

      Love,
      Sophia

      • Sylvia August 4, 2017, 2:41 am

        That is wonderful advice. I am listening too. 🙂

  • Jess August 3, 2017, 12:29 am

    I left my 12 year relationship, 9 years married, because my husband is an alcoholic and abusive. I’m proud of myself for standing up for myself and my 2 beautiful kids, But honestly, I’m terrified of doing everything by myself, and afraid to be alone. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, but I don’t feel strong.

    • Ulrike August 3, 2017, 6:24 am

      Dear Jess,
      having read your comment the following immediate sprang to my mind. You are strong because you are aware of your fears, your insecurity. May be this sounds a bit contradictory, but without feeling the both ends of the scale “strength” and weakness” you wouldn’t be complete. So welcome what is worrying you and always imagine the next step towards what is important for you. Step by step you will rely more and more on yourself. Bless you!
      English is my second language, my mother tongue is German hope I could make myself clear enough.

  • Jill August 2, 2017, 10:38 pm

    Thank you. I needed this reminder. Divine timing indeed. PS I’m a Mama Gena graduate.

  • SuAnna Foote August 2, 2017, 10:26 pm

    To my adult daughter, whom I love dearly….
    I will no longer be a part of this painful relationship. Never again will you betray my trust. Never again will you use me and hurt me. I am done.

  • Sophia August 2, 2017, 8:59 pm

    I think girls and women have their boundaries crossed so often and in so many ways that we get the message that who we are is unwelcome. When we’re expected to “be nice” what’s really being expected of us is that we disappear. Heaven forbid we should dare to inhabit our bodies and speak our truths. If we do, we often get attacked, sometimes in devestating ways. So we get scared and we hide. I think we need new language for this phenomenon. Are we being “nice” or are we hiding? There’s a big difference between being authentically kind and being so terrified that we believe our best option is to pretend we don’t exist. What if we traded being nice for being kind, starting with ourselves. Genuine kindness opens the heart and helps us to be brave. I’m doing my best to stop hiding from people, but the truth is, I’m terrified. I’m choosing to be kind to myself about the fact that I’m afraid. It’s okay to be afraid. Recovering our power and presence in the world is scary. We have the war wounds to prove it. What we know now, however, is that things won’t change if we don’t show up. Life needs us to show up, speak out, and shine. So, let’s be kind to this world of ours and show up after years (maybe lifetimes) of hiding. The world needs us desperately. It’s time to come home, sister goddesses! Let’s do this!

    • Stacy August 2, 2017, 10:58 pm

      Amen!!!!!!!!!!

  • Jennifer Haston August 2, 2017, 7:05 pm

    This! So much this!

    I have been wayyyyyyy too nice about people calling my 10 month old daughter, “chubby”
    “chunky” “roly poly” and other variations. I am done. The next person who says it is going to get the question, “Why would you say that? What was that designed to do?!!!

    • Anne August 3, 2017, 12:59 am

      Why not teach your daughter to say what she feels about the beauty of her body being questioned?

      • Anonymous August 3, 2017, 1:50 am

        her daughter is 10 months old. pre verbal.

  • Tamar August 2, 2017, 6:45 pm

    Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to hear today. It affirms for me that I DO know to speak my truth. I can be nice and still be authentic. But being nice at the expense of honoring my true feelings never works. Whenever I make the choice to be nice instead of being honest- out of fear that the friendship or relationship will end for example- it often ends anyway. Saying yes when I want to say no, never turns out well. This is a good reminder. I can’t pretend my feelings away.

  • Brittany August 2, 2017, 5:52 pm

    I’m working with my throat chakra and telling the truth in some ways has become a challenge while working in such a submissive industry while still trying to be dominant in your position and firm in who you are and your boundaries. I know that if I actually told them the truth I will lose my job…… but then I think if not speaking up is worth it

    • helen August 2, 2017, 11:16 pm

      hi Brittany – i can so relate – am working in a job that i said, oh i’ll just do this until i figure out what i really want to do (translate to actually saying, i am way to scared to pursue my real interests, terrified actually as no emotional support from anybody in my life re my dream and likes – trashed by my family) – ya i tried to speak up at the office – i realized, wait, those people can’t hear me – they have no idea what i am trying to relate to them… what’s that saying… something about “you’re a butterfly, and they only speak caterpillar…are you prepared to speak caterpillar?” – fast forward decades and heart issues bla bla bla.. i have resigned to speaking caterpillar at the office and meanwhile working on reclaiming my loves/dreams/fantasies ya ya.. inch by inch… journalling helps a lot.. taking online painting classes,….. doing Dr Joe Dispenza’s meditations (you are the placebo) – oh my god.. been doing that one for like 4 months now.. have somehow become more and more detached from everyday job and more plugged into the universe an who i really am… less phased by work (like who cares, they will never get me -i’m here for the paycheck, and i am working on redesigning my life to do something i love, eventually.. yep, a little bit, every day. p.s first rule – whatever you do ~ ALways get enough sleep!!!! hugs xo

  • JoLynn August 2, 2017, 5:47 pm

    This almost made me cry…. it describes me perfectly. I sit on my truth. That’s why I’m stuck. But it feels good to know I’m not alone and that I can do something about it :). Thank you so much for this!!

  • Honesty August 2, 2017, 5:28 pm

    I have been struggling with living in my truth… I know what i desire and I know what i want. But i am afraid to claim it. To stand out means living away from the pack and that means if I fall i stand alone and standing alone is what terrify’s me.

  • Denise August 2, 2017, 5:14 pm

    This is one powerful and thought provoking blog. It directly relates to my ongoing work on my throat chakra. I want to feel in balance with speaking “my truth”. It sometimes is not nice. When I speak up, I find it upsets so many people. As a health coach and investigative explorer of our current public health policies, I can find many things to discuss that create much controversy. I am continually working at finding a way to share the “truth”, without creating such resistance in others.

  • Vicki August 2, 2017, 4:39 pm

    My fiance and I had a heated discussion last night./ argument I said a lot but still I left a lot of things unsaid I plan to pick up the discussion where we left off. I’m tired of being nice. I feel used and toxic. Same as I did in my old marrage. Thank you for this affermation to say exactly what’s on my mind.

  • Anonymous August 2, 2017, 4:30 pm

    Thank you for the thought provoking post! I like figuring out a way to speak my truth while attempting to be nice, although with some people this is not well received. When I let my hubby know that he isn’t being nice, the response I get is “why do you always want to start a fight, everything was fine and then you start a fight”. I don’t believe speaking the truth (in an appropriate way) is starting a fight. I need to find a better way to voice my opinion when it comes to standing up for what I believe in…

    • Patsy August 5, 2017, 5:37 am

      I consider myself to be a nice person. What good does arguing do? It sometimes makes the other person angrier. It won’t keep the peace. But the consequence is far worse than these things. By not voicing my concern, I have avoided conflict. 30 years of marriage and finally I am strong enough to have a voice. Over those 30 years, I have gradually allowed my husband to behave so badly and be disrespectful to me in front of friends and family. I haven’t done him any favours – he has been trained to be cruel and thoughtless. I hope that I may stay strong. I am looking forward to my freedom.

  • Mary August 2, 2017, 4:29 pm

    Nice is what makes people mean. Under the nice is pain, unsaid words, opportunities to leave and it becomes toxic. It cause mental, physical and spiritual illness. It closes off sexuality. It closes the heart. Fact is Nice will get you nothing but used. We are all alone even in company in this life. From birth to death there is really no one there but us. We can have companions and share things in life but we are as we always have been ….alone in the end. Its not a bad thing if you trust and like yourself. Women, I believe have been conditioned to be nice, co-dependent and self sacrificing. Its how we are kept silent and powerless. Nice means don’t leave me. It means you are afraid of being rejected. It is what your parents taught you from birth and society added to. You are female, thus lesser and must try harder to not be: left, victimized, raped, harmed…..ignored.

    Nice is in my opinion the reason women age, die and miss the opportunity to be living Goddesses on the Earth as we once were!

  • Anonymous August 2, 2017, 3:57 pm

    I think it’s safe to say that your email this morning unleashed in me something that I had been being withholding for a very long time I let the nice Me go out the window and entered the honest me and of course lots and lots of things came out and I feel a lot better but I’m looking forward to an opportunity to be with all of you and become even stronger.

  • Melissa August 2, 2017, 3:32 pm

    Yes!! this post is speaking to me!! I have been nice my entire life and frankly I’m tired of being nice. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere but a stomach full of fear, anxiety and regret. I am currently in a relationship with a man that life should revolve around him. We have a 9 month old daughter together and I feel it is my job to start setting boundaries and stop being nice. I am an example to my daughter!! Life is to fucking short to sit around and be nice for the sake of making other feel comfortable when I am not. Thank you! Thank you for this post!!!

  • Laurie August 2, 2017, 3:30 pm

    Nice. Nice. Nice. Too flipping nice for much of my life. I see now how it has harmed me throughout my life. I was trained to not speak. I was abused to not speak. And now…I have been disowned because I have spoken quietly, my truth. I feel more free than ever…to be alone and in my truth…versus being nice and stabbing my own soul! It is such a liberating experience. The thing I most feared…is the greatest blessing I have ever had! And that is: To be alone in my truth. And now I begin
    to create life anew from this perspective. I am challenged by it still…the desire to be nice is so strong within me. Yet I find myself seeing it and naming it when it happens and then work to alter my behaviors. A transition in process….

  • Toni August 2, 2017, 3:30 pm

    My favorite phrase at the moment is “No More Fuckery!” I’ve had enough. And I realize I’ve allowed it by not standing firm. Not saying AND MEANING “That’s not ok!” Prioritizing other people’s feelings and comfort over my own. Saying yes, when my heart was screaming “F NO!”
    So no more fuckery – from myself or anyone else.

  • Vanessa August 2, 2017, 3:11 pm

    This, unfortunately, is so true! When someone says, ‘nice’, I never think ‘strong’, ‘beautiful’, ‘capable’, ‘wise’ – all things I want to be. I’ve found that the less ‘nice’ I am, the more I hold to my truth, the more my family disapproves. It makes sense – ‘nice’ people will let you get away with a lot of things that truthful people won’t. I love my family dearly. But I think it will be easier for them after I’ve moved out of the house and we have some distance. It’s hard to live right next to a star. You get burned.

  • Pauline Jones August 2, 2017, 2:39 pm

    I have a roommate whom I have sex with, he is 20 years younger than me,
    for three years, he stopped paying rent 4 months ago because
    his ex wife garnished his salary for 3,000 a month child support,
    (kid is 17 years old). He keeps telling me about all his plans
    to make more money but there is no committment on his part
    to me. He has no place to go, but I’m not a wife, or even a
    significant other, just an abused friend at this point..

    • Agota August 2, 2017, 3:04 pm

      Hi,

      I used to be nice for 50 years earlier in my life. I hd two abusive marriages where I let myself make use of. I tolerated everything.My husband took my money, m energy my del esteem, everything. After to similar marriages I began building up myself. I turned to therapy, began to achieve the best version of myself. Learned to say: no. Began enjoying life with horseback riding, meditation, thai massage, reading, buying nice dresses, make up ,hair do, lunch in good restaurants with friends. I even took overseas trips in luxurious hotels. I gave everything to myself. I became a new person. But for my new persona I can not find a proper boyfriend for 8 years. For me it was easy to have a partnership with my old ego but not for the new one. What do you think, sisters?

      • Dragonflycatcher August 2, 2017, 4:24 pm

        It’s tough to be alone sometimes. But look at the you that you found underneath all that rubble. Do you think fear of being alone keeps most women maybe in places not good for them or always being there for others? I started doing some things I wanted after being army wife for decades. Alone a lot then. Ive been put down for it by many. I was Following. I do them alone now too. But I have found some great joys and surprises tho.

      • Paige August 2, 2017, 9:29 pm

        Marry yourself, my friend. Moment by moment. Day by day.

    • Anonymous August 2, 2017, 10:32 pm

      dearest pauline jones… holy f-ck.. that’s expensive sex (4 months rent!) – if you are totally blissed out of your mind, then.. okay… but you are one hot goddess… kick him out… if he’s dishing out $3k, he can go live in his wife’s garage or basement… seriously… you can flash your goddess-ness and get any guy you want, any day of the week.. Truly… xoxo helen 🙂

  • Skyler August 2, 2017, 2:35 pm

    If I found the strength to speak the truth….

    I would tell my husband that I am no longer satisfied with our relationship. I feel as though we are more of best friends than we are lovers. That the length of our marriage and having a child makes us feel as though we have to be together. I would say that I feel as though I have grown out of him, that I have become someone that he does not know any longer and I hide that person everyday. I feel trapped and long for freedom to be who I want to be. However, I know this would destroy him and I keep it all inside, locked up like a caged bird…..

    If I was honest with myself…. I would tell myself that I also stay in fear of the unknown. There is a comfort in knowing that he is there and knowing what our future holds. I fear making the wrong decision and the regret that I may have later. I fear the affect that it may have on our child and her way of life. So much fear and it is all so controlling. It feels heavy, so heavy some days….. and the irony is that I know I am the one in control of it all and I still make the same decision each and everyday.

    • Grace August 2, 2017, 3:10 pm

      What if it would light him up to explore and get to know this new person you’ve become? 😮

    • AML August 2, 2017, 8:06 pm

      I hear ya, lady!

    • Paige August 2, 2017, 9:32 pm

      Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
      Try. Just try a little bit… then try a little more…

    • Vicki August 3, 2017, 6:49 am

      I understand you. I have lived this way for as long as I can remember, and, I am 66. My female role models growing up were all subordinate to the males. It made sense to me to stand behind, to be oh so very, very nice. Just yesterday at work, I realized that a project I was working was not successful because I was being NICE! I didn’t insist on action – I very nicely accepted inaction. It only made me look bad.

      I have had bouts of wonderful, liberating independence. Yes – it’s so very exhilarating. I wish to keep my marriage and relationships strong and vibrant, but, I see from so many of these posts, that we must interject our own spirit, thoughts, intelligence – and stand up for ourselves at the very same time!

  • JRH22 August 2, 2017, 1:43 pm

    I struggle with this issue. I do try to be nice and hope things with my husband will change. I try to drop subtle hits. Then I get to a point where it is unbearable and I say something. I am not harsh or mean. He says he hears me and he makes commitments, but does not follow through or does a for a while and then goes back to the old ways. I love him in so many other ways, it is hard to know if I am being unrealistic. After 25 years, it is starting to really get to me daily.

    • Grace August 2, 2017, 3:19 pm

      I just watched a video about this yesterday from Iyanla on her YouTube channel. It should be the latest R spot one – “relationship agreements.” Basically there needs to be a consequence for him breaking an agreement – if he ever agreed to what you are asking for in the first place. I hope this helps! Iyanla does a much better job of explaining things and keeping everything incredibly compassionate. I highly recommend watching the video.

  • Sabrina Kindell August 2, 2017, 1:27 pm

    I don’t think it’s a matter of nice or mean it’s a question of yes and no. If you can say yes and no authentically then both you and the other person don’t have to pay at some point. It’s about getting needs met in creative ways that don’t hold anyone in victim, rescuer or persecutor positions.

  • DL August 2, 2017, 1:19 pm

    Nice?
    I’m kind. I strive to do meaningful things for others (people I know as well as people I don’t) and I’m tired. No one cares back. I don’t do things for others so they will return the favor. But really? No one cares. No one reaches out. My kids only call when they need something. My husband never does anything thoughtful (minimal effort) unless he wants sex. My friends don’t really care. They have their own lives to live.
    It is just me. I try to be good to myself by taking time to exercise etc. I’m lonely but I keep trying to find joy helping others. Isn’t that what we are told to do? Look out and not in? Truth is that no one really cares what I actually think or feel.
    Nice to me is the fake front I put on to mask my disappointment. I’m pretty much numb.

    • Paige August 2, 2017, 9:37 pm

      I care about you, DL.
      Never met you; probably never will.
      And I still care about you.
      I honor and applaud the path you are travelling.
      You are a human being with a deep, pure sparkle worthy of expansion.
      You have your own precious, powerful and unique gift to express to us all.
      From one human being to another, I care about you DL.
      Never say die!

    • helen August 2, 2017, 10:48 pm

      dear DL – time fo you to be totally effing selfish (do Artists Way book in you need to rediscover yourself) – what are the things you always wanted to do, dreamed out, lusted after…. now is the time to start doing them, going for them… really – when you start connecing with peole who lust after the same stuff – ya ya, life gets more fun… Reminds me of this Italian movie Bread and Tulips
      “It’s about a middle aged, neglected housewife and mother who is left behind by her family on a bus trip. Her family doesn’t even notice she’s missing until two hours later. She decides to hitch-hike home and she meets different people. To one of them she says that she has never been to Venice, but that she really would like to see it. The man suggests to bring her to Venice instead of driving her home and so her adventure begins. She meets some interesting people and in one way or another she always influences their lives. But not only their lives change, her life is influenced by it as well. ” I soooo related to the heroine… yet funny thing in my real life – my family all checked out and i’m the only one left, so i am starting over! life is weird. _ go explore yourself honey ! xoxo

    • M.R. August 3, 2017, 3:10 pm

      Your life sounds like mine. I have always been nice and tried to give people what they wanted. I, too, feel very disappointed and alone. I am at the end of a particularly painful situation. A person I thought so much of and gave so much to did not value or respect me at all. That hurtful revelation has really caused me to distrust others. I am starting a new phase of my life (just recently retired) and I am not sure where I am going. I am just tired of being used and unappreciated.

  • Holly White August 2, 2017, 12:32 pm

    This is so good! Thank you form the bottom of my heart for following and speaking your truth and liberating mine!!! xoxo

  • Wendy August 2, 2017, 12:13 pm

    So needed to read this right now.
    I’m a new manager been here 6 weeks and learning the dynamics of everyone.
    Here was the scenario
    The phone was ringing. D said I got it and C picked it up.
    D ripped her face off because she got it and C has her favourite customers and she hogs them. So D says fine I’m not answering the phone for the rest of the day.
    These are 2, 60+ year old woman.
    And I am sitting here being nice. Waiting for the smoke to clear and deciding on what I want to say to both of them.
    They are both right and wrong in what I have observed over the last 6 weeks.
    No nice coming. Just my observation.

  • Colleen August 2, 2017, 12:10 pm

    People can be a real pain sometimes, and you may quickly learn that while you play nice, they don’t . I’ve learned with a lot of toxic types who disrespect you and your boundaries that if you confront them even in a kind, fair manner that they may respond with blaming, anger, passive aggressiveness, denial, or even revenge. They can crazymake you (as Trump is doing to the country) turning the tables of blame and playing the victim, and then it’s not worth the aggravation of escalating a conflict with these emotionally stunted, toxic individuals. Many times, I remain purposefully kind and nice to in order to work around these folks in order to eventually get what I want or need. It’s important with these toxic types to draw boundaries, and that may mean minimal to no contact with them for your own self respect and sanity! A lot of the time, if you’re playing nice, kind, and sweet with people, and it’s not returned in kind or it’s taken advantage of, you’re likely dealing with a toxic person or group of people!

  • Jill August 2, 2017, 12:06 pm

    What synchronicity! I just picked up your book, “…Owner’Guude to Men” because at 61 I’m starting a new relationship – I think- and I’m one of those “nice” women. I have some non- negotiables I want to talk to him about and don’t want to fall into the nice trap. These are things that I have settled on in the past which led to the end of my joy and love. Thanks for this message today Mama Gena! It’s a push for me to stay in my truth!!

  • Josie August 2, 2017, 12:04 pm

    My boyfriend drinks tooooo much. He drinks every day. He gets obnoxious, abrasive, rude and stupid.
    I tell him and he feels bad. He cuts down or stops drinking and then he starts up again.
    I told him I was going to a concert this week and he is allowed to go if he does not drink before the concert. If he drinks before the concert I am going with out him.
    He agreed.

  • Cinamon August 2, 2017, 11:59 am

    I have been more and more unapologetically myself, honest and sassy especially after going through so much (fibromyalgia, depression, a break up with a narcissist who ruined me in every way possible, and having to move in with my parents, etc…at 48!)
    But what came to mind in wanting to speak my truth was that the lack of respect and validity I’m given with my fibro is astounding. I’m given so much unsolicited advice, asked a million questions why, and no one seems to have faith in me that I know my body and mind, and that Im doing my best. I’m perceived as lazy and crazy and that I don’t try hard enough. That crap makes fibro people depressed because we already feel guilty for being sick and not the same as we were. It’s exhausting to explain myself and I want to tell everyone to just F***! Off!!!!
    The other thing is I’d like to give my ex boyfriend a piece of my mind in a way that will make him feel a fraction of the pain he caused me, he was a liar, cheater, was manipulative, spent all my money while I was sick, and was verbally and psychologically abusive. I’m a better, stronger, fiercer version of myself because of it all but man, Id love to say some crap to him, though I’ve let go a lot of it to some degree and haven’t talked to him in months and have a new relationship that’s better than anything I could’ve imagined, little slivers of trauma still haunt me from what he did. I know karma will get him and I know talking to him would solve nothing, but that’s who I’d stop playing nice with!

    • Toni August 2, 2017, 3:15 pm

      Cinnamon,
      My Mom has Fibro also and she has experienced many of the same things…I greatly admire her strength in doing what is best for her health, regardless of the rude comments “if you just TRIED harder…” etc. We don’t get another body – take care of the one you have and to hell with all the Shoulds others try to put on you!

  • Emily T August 2, 2017, 11:52 am

    I’m growing out of being “nice” to my detriment but it’s a hard habit to break. I recently took on a position in my sorority that I didn’t want because no one else would do it even though I really didn’t want to (and it’s going to be super time and energy consuming). Smh. This message was so timely nevertheless.

  • Sidney August 2, 2017, 11:49 am

    I just got out of a relationship where I would always keep mostly everything to myself just because I never wanted to offend him or start an argument . I grew up seeing my mom take and take so much and not say anything so that’s where that came from . But after being in that exhausting relationship and stepping more into my own power I will not hold back my own truth .

  • Lynne Ann Kogut August 2, 2017, 11:44 am

    What I have found over these 64 yrs of living is that I am nicest with my woman friends and that is a big mistake. I have allowed myself to be a dumping ground for their unhappiness! What a terrible waste of life force and I see it, and know that this is not acceptable for me. Today, I choose differently and with strength and conviction I shall not be a dumping ground for anyone anymore! AHO!

  • Sundra August 2, 2017, 11:39 am

    I’m so nice that I don’t know when I’m being nice and everything’s ok or everything really is ok.
    I feel like I go alone with everything and it’s ok, alright. Do I really want to do that or go there or do I really not care and am I really ok with however and whatever.
    How do you get past the embedded nice girl? How do you get to your truth?
    I’m better than I was but am I the best I can be??? How can I be if there’s a personality holding me back and I’m afraid of not being that personality?

  • Debra Lynn August 2, 2017, 11:37 am

    Experiencing the truth of your words, Mama Gena, right now. Life is dramatically shifting because I’m willing to stand in my own authentic presence. I live there with kindness and compassion for others, but no longer able to just “shut up,” as I was told to do my whole childhood…

  • Shelby S. August 2, 2017, 11:28 am

    I consciously keep my feelings in check, sometimes hidden so deep it’s hard to find them when I go looking for them at the “appropriate” moment. But, I like to tell myself that I will deal with those emotions at a later date when I am in a safer, or more private, or more controllable situation. I may experience a conflict in my workplace, family, or romantic relationship and I hold onto those feelings, saving them to be expressed and understood, parsed through at a later date. Lately, though I’ve wondered what this does to me? Am I detaching from the healthy place of being “in my body” or aware of my feelings in the moment? And, do I lose important bits of information if I wait too long to look deeply, inwardly at what happened and how I felt. Maybe I’ve placed too much faith in my memory and this process I’ve come to know, rather than faith in my partner, my family member, or my coworker, to handle my truth in the moment. To allow them to see how I truly react. To allow myself to see and feel it? I can’t help but wonder is there anger that would come up and would it truly serve me? Wouldn’t anger in the moment actually potentially destroy all those types of relationships? Yet, plenty of these people do let their truths out much more freely and don’t seem to be having negative consequences. Of course they are also effected by certain privileges that come from gender, race, and class…

  • Jodi August 2, 2017, 11:24 am

    I am on and off too nice. The trouble with that is at first I am so nice I let people cross boundaries I am not even clear on. And then surprise they really disrespect me and I stand up for myself. Then to them I appear unreasonable- this then really bothers me because now I am blamed for not being nice.
    Now that I read this post and my response I guess I am part of the problem. When you let people walk on you of course they will be upset when you don’t want to be the doormat. And they will increase the pressure for me to go back to being nice so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions. So the lesson here is to be more clear about my boundaries so it doesn’t need to take disrespectful treatment for me to claim my worth.

  • Miriam August 2, 2017, 11:23 am

    What would I tell the world? I would tell my sister that the man she married is not “the best it’s gona get” and the fact that she doesnt bring stuff up “so they won’t fight” is an awful strategy.
    I always speak up. I am always the ONLY one speaking up in my family. So, I am labeled “problematic” and “angry”.
    I would tell my white boss that, no, she is NOT always right and that her way of like is not the only way to live. That my culture is beautiful and deep and that I love my roots and what my people have stood for and what they continue to build.
    I would say that I am sick of not being represented in movies and popular media.
    I would tell the world that I am terrified that my son wont love me because our skins are different.
    I would tell women to MOVE THE F*** ON from all those men that didnt call or text or write or show up. Life is too damn short to be waiting on some man (and anybody really) .
    I would tell my mother in law that she did NOT raise her son right. Emotionally, he’s a mess.
    I would tell my dad that I am not scared of him anymore and that him being a great grandpa has totally made up for being a jackass dad.
    I would tell my 82yr old grandpa that he was a terrible dad and a terrible grandpa but that he is old and that is the only reason I dont kick him off my dads property.
    I would tell the world that I will keep fighting. Every. Single. Day. for what I believe in.

  • Gladys August 2, 2017, 11:22 am

    Boy does this ring SO TRUE!! I got over being nice and now I mostly speak my truth (except maybe when it isn’t worth my time or worth the hassle-then I just ignore!) But I have found that when I speak my truth, then I am labeled a bitch!! In this f’ed up world where men rule most things, they have chosen to label women that state the facts and speak their truth, to be bitches.

  • Rebecca August 2, 2017, 11:20 am

    Wow, this topic really resonated with me. I have lost respect for my husband despite his over considerate, kind, caring heart and never ending catering to me and our daughter. He does nothing but cater to us, tip toe around me and dive into taking care of our daughter to “help me”. The truth, the honest to god truth, GET A LIFE!!! I want to fall in love with you again, I want to hear you tell me something your passionate about other than me and our daughter! Get a fucking hobby and get out of my hair! I cant have an orgasm with you because you are so fucking pathetic I am not turned on in the least bit! Take me! Take life! Take control of yourself and stop catering to me, its driving me fucking insane!! Now, I know i need to say this to him and there is no nice way to put it. Trust me, I have tried and the nice, soft approach does not work! So, here we go. Wish me luck. I dont want to tear him down in this process so I will proceed with caution, but I wont worry about being nice. He needs to hear this from me.

  • Anonymous August 2, 2017, 11:20 am

    I don’t tell my dad anything because he is a butt and I don’t want to tell him because I’m afraid he won’t like me and he’ll never come again. He only comes sometimes. M – age 9

    • Anonymous August 2, 2017, 1:25 pm

      Speak your truth little girl…he may not be a great dad but he’ll always love you.

  • JaiCea August 2, 2017, 11:16 am

    I dislike the culture of my workplace, dislike the job although I excel there, and do it for the security of the paycheck. I’ve been selling my soul for 20 years and now no longer know where to let it shine.

  • Dana August 2, 2017, 11:07 am

    I learned to be cognizant of other people’s feelings and to not do or say things that would purposefully be “hurtful” yet consistently end up around people who feel free to say any and every hurtful thing they want, who then berate the receiver of their harsh words or behavior the one whose at fault.

    The few times I’ve spoken up for myself, told the other person how I felt, I’ve gotten a variety of responses that all boil down to the same thing, “You shouldn’t take things so personal; you’re too sensitive; you need to grow a thicker skin.” Feels like a never ending circle where my care for others isn’t reciprocated.

    I’m also no good with any kind of confrontation so I am the first to back down, walk away all under the guise of being open minded and not wanting to force my opinion on others.

    Mind you, when a situation gets unbearable, I am also quick to just leave without a ‘fight’ or any type of heads up. I have silently ended friendships and relationships by just breaking off all communication. You can imagine the drama that has ensued behind that.
    Sigh.

    • Laurie August 2, 2017, 11:59 am

      Wow I can do relate to your comment about people telling you that you are too sensitive and need to grow a thicker skin! I have had that same experience SO many times it is infuriating . That is where and why I feel really stuck too!

  • Carmen San Diego August 2, 2017, 11:04 am

    I’ve been so nice my entire life that I have lost my value, my worth. I gained a little of it back but lost it somewhere along the way. I apologize for everything, even things that are not my fault. I’m afraid to even speak.

    I just purchased Pussy. I feel such resonance with this as truth. I hope to find my value and learn to speak my truth. Thank you, Regena.

  • Diane August 2, 2017, 11:03 am

    People pleasing has been embedded upon me as a child. Being raised by constantly arguing parents, I thought if I could make all I did perfect, to please them, they would stop and be happy. Raised in a Catholic school system, further fed my immature need for perfection and people pleasing. I was the nice girl, who later in life married an alcoholic and stayed for 30 years, a nice wife making everything seem balanced and perfect. We were the Cleavers and the Beaver, our son, was a nice boy. In the many workplaces of my successful careers, I was the nice girl, who subjected herself to sexual and verbal harassment in the workplace to get ahead, and I did. Fast forward, I am now 70 years young, a divorced widow, with a successful nice alcoholic son who married a nice successful alcoholic nurse. After learning self-care through years of therapy, 20 years of Alanon 12 step encouragement and work, I am wise, thoughtful, kind and knowingly discerning in who I choose to have in my life. I’ve been described as sweet, witty, intuitive engaging and successful, having a great smile and that nice girl is a smarter single woman now with many friends and someday one of those friends will be my life partner.

    • Dragonflycatcher August 6, 2017, 12:03 am

      Good for you. Never too late. I’ve been doing different for past year. After 30 years as army wife. Giving up my own army career plus starts and stops at numerous others. With a spouse who was focused on his career. Even in retirement was still not about me. Encouraging to see that at any stage in life can be done. I’m still in the struggle. Not sure how it’s going to turn out. I was just called effing stupid. For the last time. My sacrifices are over…

  • Laurie August 2, 2017, 10:59 am

    I began my “nice” routine as a little girl, my feelings didn’t count. Just be a nice girl and be quiet. It led me to a dysfunctional marriage for 17 years and a job where my bosses treated me not as the amazing woman and professional I am for 17 years. And I see it happening all the time with women around me, instead of speaking up everyone acts nice and then trash talks that person when they are not around. This behavior has made me feel like a fraud, inauthentic, and not standing up for myself. Well no more sisters!! My health finally suffered and I have had to face my truth! No more people pleasing my family , my boyfriend , my friends, my coworkers. Put a fork in me, cause I am DONE. And I can do it in a way that is loving but that is honest and honors me and what I think and feel! Love this post it is right on!

  • Jeri August 2, 2017, 10:59 am

    Isn’t not living truth the high risk?

  • Cathy N August 2, 2017, 10:54 am

    I say that I am not nice, but I am kind unless I have a reason not to be.

    I would tell my manager that I know that every word out of her mouth is manipulative, and every action is leverage for her to get something later and I don’t respond to that. That if she ever tells me how to parent again so I can work the hours she does, I’ll walk away. That working long hours demonstrates inefficiency, not work ethic. That I have been balancing more for longer than her and I still get it all done.

  • Anonymous August 2, 2017, 10:50 am

    Mama!
    Help – What is a sister to do?

    I had THE MOST amazing passionate week of love and fun with the hottest sexiest guy who totally came on to me. We were like immediate soul mates. He said the most lovely things to me. My heart flutters when I think of him as do other parts of my body!!

    So the story is – He went on a work/holiday for 3 months. We kept in touch on and off but I was the one who texted last and he has not responded for weeks- then I caved and sent a sexy sand sculpture image, (yes, I did) and now I know for a fact he is back in town and has still not called of texted yet. Did I freak him out with my sand pic?

    I am on the verge of calling or texting but feel he Needs to call me! Is that right? Do I wait for him to call, should I call or text him, or is it best for me to forget he is a real human and continue on with manifesting my king?

    Please help – I really LIKE this guy. Why the hell isn’t he contacting me if we had this insane week of romance and deliciousness?

    Bless you Heart Warrior!!

    Sister Jill

    • Diane August 2, 2017, 11:08 am

      Please…honor yourself and move on to someone who appreciates you, you so deserve all the love that is in this world. Loneliness is better than misery.
      Step out of your comfort zone to meet someone who has a mutual attraction, and respects.

      • Jill August 2, 2017, 1:55 pm

        I feel that way often – mostly – which is why I have resisted reaching out again to him – but then I think maybe like Mama says, i need to train him and tell him what I want from him….Like I want him to come over to dinner and show me pictures of his trip ,… or is that making me look too desperate and needy?
        xo Jill

    • Sophia August 2, 2017, 9:34 pm

      Sister Goddess Jill,

      If this man was truly your soulmate, he would bend over backwards to stay in touch with you. For that matter, if he wanted anything more than an exciting fling, he would make a point of staying connected. He hasn’t stayed in touch, however, and shows no interest in pursuing you further. If you want flings, lucky you, you had a great one. If, however, you want romance and longevity, try again with someone new and, Goddess, make him work for it. Train the next man before you sleep with him, and train yourself to know that you deserve nothing less than your true heart’s desire. Let this one go, but don’t give up on love. Do your inner work, too. So often we repel what we most desire because we are afraid or don’t believe we can have what we want. Don’t chase your desires, magnetize them, and when life does finally give you what you really truly want, say “Yes, yes, yes” and savor it fully. YOU DESERVE LOVE! Take it slow, if you want to go deep. Love takes time, but love is also the hottest, juiciest, most wildly erotic thing I have ever experienced. Oh, it takes a lot of work too, but damn is it ever worth it!

      Love,
      Sophia

    • Sylvia August 4, 2017, 4:09 am

      As women, we tend to romanticize our experiences. If he can’t appreciate you, if he can’t verbalize what he feels, or if he plays games, he is not ready for a commitment of any kind. And frankly, maybe he doesn’t want one.
      It is not up to you to change, fix, or babysit anyone. Move on!

  • Lori August 2, 2017, 10:50 am

    Wow.. that was an eye opener. I’m way too Nice.. I hardly ever say what I’m really thinking. I think it’s because I don’t won’t confrontation. But I feel at times I’m sacrificing my worth and life for not doing so. I really need more confidence in myself to say, no this isn’t right or fair. I think I’d be happier then just letting it go. I get so depressed at times thinking if I’d only done this or if I’d said that and stood up for what was right.. I might have made a difference. I’ve got to get my stuff together.

    • Heather August 2, 2017, 10:57 am

      Hi Lori- wow! I feel the EXACT SAME WAY. thank you for sharing. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only sister who feels this way.

    • Meg August 2, 2017, 11:06 am

      YUP! Me too. It’s not worth the fight … that’s how I feel a lot.

  • Ruby Red August 2, 2017, 10:46 am

    Oh definitely, my “niceness” comes out to my mom. She’s in her 80s and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But she really stresses me out, bigtime. This is a tough one!

  • Lexi August 2, 2017, 10:43 am

    Nice….
    I am always nice. I am too nice. If I could say anything it would be to my lover. I am always there for him. I am always supporting him, but when I break down (and I know I do) he disappears on me. I don’t tell him how much this destroys me. I tell him that it hurts when he reappears weeks later and I fall into his arms again. I love him and fall over and over for him once again. I tell him that I feel I only get communication when he wants sex, he feels terrible and so do I for saying such a thing. I don’t tell him how much it angers me that I pay for everything, that I drop everything when I busy, yet wait for him when he is and just tell him I understand. I cry and feel as if I have no backbone. I support him through his family difficulties, his weight loss, his health issues. When it comes to my struggles with PTSD and realization of addiction he shuts down, when I need him the most. I put him first, I know I do. I’ve threatened to end our relationship, but it is an empty threat. I know he can see right through it. I don’t want to lose him, I just want him to be fair. I just want him to be there, yet I don’t have the backbone to say it and mean it and stand by it.

    • Marit August 2, 2017, 10:48 am

      That is such a deeply painful dynamic. Sending you lots and lots of love ❤️

    • helen August 2, 2017, 11:02 pm

      dear lexi – this may sound stupid – but what is so fantastic about this person that you pay such a high price… (this reminds me so much of my old family patterns – give give give and never receive…aargh… been reading Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes (wanted to throw up when i realized how much crap i have put up with in my life).. Find more friends, find people who ARE there for you, whether it be the old gardener next door, to ladies at the supermarket or at belly dancing class or such.. go out and make new connections and get your fucking life back… stop the leaking!!! giving your energy away just exhausts one.. i’ve done it most of my life. You don’t have to break up… just make more connections that actually support you in ways you really need (well that’s what i am working on anyway) xo 🙂

      • Lexi August 3, 2017, 10:59 am

        Thank you both for the kind words and love! I emailed him last night what I felt. I told him shit hurts but it needs to be said sometimes and right now I need some time to get my self together.

  • Annette Myers August 2, 2017, 10:39 am

    Very timely and couldn’t agree more….

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