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Do you put yourself last?

Where do you fall on the scale of priorities in your life?
Do you put yourself first?
Or last?

Would you cancel your plans with friends if your boss asked you to work late?
Do you invest in yourself? Or give your all to others?
Do you know how harmful that is?

OK, I admit it.
It happened to me.
Motherhood martyrdom.
Yup, even me, the Queen of Pleasure herself.

For a few years after my divorce, guess what I had been serving for dinner?
Kid food.
Breaded chicken.
Steamed broccoli.
Night after night after night.
And I don’t even eat meat.

Why? Because that is what my daughter would eat.
She was super fussy about her food.
And after a long day of working and parenting, I took the “easy” way out.

But was it easy? Not really.

We consistently had an unsatisfying time at the dinner table.
I felt victim-y and annoyed because all I would do was end up eating salad. After salad. After salad.
Perhaps not surprisingly, my daughter was bored as well, and responded to my crankiness with her own.

My selflessness was not appreciated. Not by Maggie, nor me. In fact, was I being selfless? Or was I actually teaching my daughter to shrink, instead of expand? Was I settling for crumbs instead of standing for my desires?

Women have been taught to put themselves last.
We take care of our partners, our parents, our kids, our bosses, and whatever leftovers remain are ours.

The strange part of this syndrome of putting ourselves last – is that it’s born out of some misbegotten idea that we are actually being of service. I was thinking that my compromising myself was because I was making it good for my daughter. Crazy, huh?

Women confuse settling and holding out on ourselves with some kind of harebrained act of generosity. If we suffer, it must be good for our loved ones.
And this crossed wire is responsible for so much unhappiness.

My friend Tim, a producer, was simply gobsmacked last week. He and his wife agreed that on Saturday, they would both take the day off. He would play basketball, and his wife would get a mani-pedi with her girlfriends. Saturday came, the house was a mess, the kids needed help with homework, and the dog wasn’t walked.

Guess what happened?
Tim left and went to play basketball.
His wife cancelled her mani-pedi appointment, and stayed home to walk the dog, clean the house, and help the kids. And when Tim got home later, sweaty and happy, what do you think greeted him?
An ecstatic wife, overjoyed with her selfless act of service?
Or an angry, deprived, frustrated woman, wanting vengeance?

Generally, it seems that men are better at giving themselves a break.
They don’t even question the importance of standing for their own happiness, in the way women do.
Men know that the dishes won’t expire, the kids can manage for a few hours, and they can even walk the dog.

Women are conditioned to compromise their desires, and sacrifice their joy in order to caretake and make it good for everyone else.

But who will make it good for us, if we won’t?
Who will grab us by the hand, and force us, against our will, to stand for our self-care, and learn the importance of investing in our joy?
And maybe more importantly, what cultural malaise are we pouring into the world, into our families, our communities, when we continually put ourselves last?

We create our own unhappiness when we starve ourselves, and then we blame others for the way we have made ourselves feel.
I was silently blaming ‘motherhood’ for my chosen chicken nugget diet.
Tim’s wife was blaming him for being thoughtless, when actually it was she who held out on herself.

The days of shriveling up and shrinking have to end, Sisters.
It is only us that can put an end to our own compromise.
It’s only when we take ours that we can afford to be truly generous to others.

When I make sure I am full, I can deeply and truly experience my own generosity.

So I started trying new recipes. I began to serve Maggie stir-fry, Caesar salad, grilled scallops, artichokes, sole with lemon and butter, roasted vegetables. Sometimes she would eat with me, sometimes not. But what happened is that since my anger went away, it was so much easier for me to tease her into trying new foods when I was excited to try them myself.

And Tim’s wife? Well, she and I talked. I told her about my own experience. I told her about Mastery. At first, she was thinking that this was not the right time, she wanted to wait until the kids were grown and in college. Or things quieted down at work.

But, a few days after we talked, her daughter called her out, and asked her why she always put herself last, and got mad at dad for it.

She called me the next day to enroll for Mastery this coming March. It will be a new beginning for her; as a woman, as a wife, and as a parent for her kids. She will finally experience the joy she can generate for her whole family by standing for herself.

It’s our time, Sisters, but only if we take it.
It’s our time to prioritize our joy above all other values.
Time to teach our sons and daughters the importance of standing for our value.
Time to insist on a life of balance, with each woman giving herself a seat at the banquet table.
Time to invest in yourself, first, foremost and always.
Time to trust your truth, time to trust your deep intuitive knowing that you are the right thing to prioritize, you are the right horse to bet on, and that doing so will serve not only you, but everyone else in your life.

Are you in? Come share in the comments below today: 

What can you do for yourself today?
What can you give yourself?
An orgasm?
A nap?
A chapter of a great novel?
A dance break?
You know as well as I do that if you do not stand for your own value, no one else will.
It’s time.
Right now.
You are so worth it.

Can you post in the comments and inspire, not only me, but every woman who reads this post, with your Pleasure Revolutionary act of self-love?

With so much love and pleasure,

Regena Thomashauer, aka “Mama Gena”
The School of Womanly Arts

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62 Comments / Leave a Comment

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  • Heather February 6, 2017, 6:26 pm

    I love this…I used to do more of this…putting people first and I still do some. I’m really working on not doing it.
    Like last night…a friend who REALLY wanted to come over, kept pushing…when I told him he could come over for a bit under certain circumstances…and he’d have to leave at 8pm so I could rest. Well, at 7:30 he still wasn’t over…my norm…just go with it…he wants to see me. And then I realized…first, I am allowing my boundaries to be broken…I’M ALLOWING IT. And then to find out he was watching football, and he doesn’t even like football…that was the kicker. I told him not to come over. Which he begged and I said no…I took the night to relax and do what I WANTED to do.

    And this morning, a client wanted to come over really early, I told him I was free at 1pm. He said no. But then he wrote back saying “1:30”? And he came at the time that was good for me…I didn’t cancel my time to take care of him….and when he left he said “I feel like butter”…well, he wouldn’t have if he’d come at crazy early the crazy early time.

    Plus I’m standing up for what I want in so many ways this week…it feels amazing…I was going to train a man to do erotic massage on me and for me to train him in other things…and he came over and kept saying…”I want to do this or that”. I finally said “I’m feeling anxious as I want to know we are going get to the erotic massage…if I know we are going to get there, I have no problem giving you what you need…as I truly believe you need that to give to me”…he listened, and we worked it out..and then I could be present with him…never would I have done THAT in the past. Very empowering!

    This is all still new for me…but honestly…it is so good to be saying no. And I have a long way to go still…but I’m so proud of the things have done in this past week!

    Yes, we need to make a stand for ourselves…I used think people weren’t respecting me… I get I wasn’t. Time to change all of that…thanks for sharing what you did here…just amazing!

  • Kyra February 3, 2017, 9:12 am

    Mission impossible to take care of myself. I worry about taking care of my elderly mom who God knows how much time is left. My husband, the bills, the taxes, my daughter n grandsons. Plus, every person place or thing. It is no wonder I can’t think how to make my own job, dental appt, take care of my high choloresterol with exercise n diet. I’m placating n worrying about taking care of everyone n everything. No wonder I’m exhausted. Enough already. Goddess give me strength to put first things first. Mostly myself. You take care if the rest. Amen sister!!!

  • Tiiu January 22, 2017, 6:01 am

    Thank you! I needed that reminder how lovely a walk in the sunshine, in good, comfortable shoes is.
    Sister, I needed you for this. All you did was share 🙂

    SG Princess Delight

  • Linda Barsa January 21, 2017, 11:11 am

    And would ya look at that, 11:11!

  • Linda January 21, 2017, 11:11 am

    I took your words to heart. My boyfriend wanted me to spend my Saturday morning rectifying this mistake he made with shipping his motorcycle. I definitely heavily felt it was my responsibility to help him, but I was so cranky and not in a good place. Because of this Mama Gena message I decided to see what would happen if I cared about how I felt and didn’t “take the hit” here. He has a job, a job that pays him more than it would me, he can get an Uber. And he often frolics through life while others around him pick up the slack, and takes it for granted. I have a self-transformational show tonight and I want to enjoy it.

  • Kristen January 21, 2017, 6:14 am

    Mama G, Iooove how you started serving Maggie what YOU wanted to eat! Elena, love the way you said how the earth still revolves if you take care of yourself. Rose, I can relate to accepting the caretaking role without having a partner or children.– in my case, it’s about being there for my parents over the last year– my Dad died from cancer– I was there any minute I could be there (no regrets), then I poured myself into supporting my widowed Mom, now she has developed some health issues (not life threatening, thankfully) but I am completely emotionally and physically burned out. I need these reminders that I need to make sure I take care of me too….just hard to figure out how to,do that.

  • Kellie Sue January 19, 2017, 3:53 pm

    Thank you for another dose of what I really needed – yet again! I will have a helping of “what she’s having.”

  • Diane Austin January 19, 2017, 2:53 am

    I gave myself a gift of a massage at a top Spa. felt good!

  • Nicole 💜 January 18, 2017, 11:50 pm

    I’ve started saying NO more. And YES to me. The best part. The most transformational. Has been my lack if guilt in doing so!

    Thank you Mumma G. Thank you for Pussy and helping ignite mine as to what she truly desires 💖

  • Liz Ronan January 18, 2017, 9:24 pm

    Hey Mama Gifted myself a copy of ‘Pussy’ for Xmas and read it in 2 days flat! Haven’t had a chance to re-read and savour it yet as my girlfriends have already nabbed it! Yes yes yes! This year I’m back onto the self-care and pleasure path with a vengence and guess what? Life has improved on an incredible level. Am walking at daybreak every morning (and yoga-ing on wet mornings), jouranalling and meditating. I gave myself a whole week of daily self-pleasuring and yes, things began looking up! Now I’m back into healthy eating once again and my body feels incredible. And I’ve noticed that since taking better care of myself, my relationships with my husband, girlfriends and clients have also improved. I am able to engage more clearly and deeply because I have a deeper reserve of energy to draw from. It is THE prescription for world peace in my humble opinion. Blessings in Sisterhood x

  • Tiffaney January 18, 2017, 7:08 pm

    I started the new year off with by gifting myself a trip to Belize with my son. This is what cleared my soul to do what I did today and universe confirmed it was the right thing to do by sending me this message. I read this today after I made the decision NOT to cancel lunch plans with a friend because of work. Once I realized that I may have had to cancel my plans because my job doesn’t have their ish together (I was sent to a suppliers for the week one day after returning from my trip), I felt the anger creep in. No bueno because this morning I declared Today I am not angry. I emailed my boss and told him I had an appointment and I would come back and finish after (it would take me and hour to drive to lunch and back notnincludinf eat time). And guess what? No worries…he politely complied, my belly and soul were full and all is well. Life is good because I choose to honor myself first in everything that I do.

  • Harriet Kelly GIbbe January 18, 2017, 3:35 pm

    I was just thinking how unsatisfying my experiences with my 27 year old son have felt the last few days and… bam….I read your post. He’s in need of money rather frequently and I, eight years after divorcing his Dad and relaunching my business, am finally feeling financially stable and hopeful. I love being able to offer financial help but I feel unappreciated and drained after being with him lately. I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to see him. I love him but its not worth the drain.

  • Jessica January 18, 2017, 3:17 pm

    Yes, it is so true! Women need to be more selfish and put our own happiness first. It’s only when we’re happy that we can truly give to others. And being a happy woman actually makes you really attractive and radiant. Investing in your own happiness will actually put the spark back in your relationships too!

  • Donna May January 18, 2017, 12:52 pm

    I will try to do more things for myself love getting your letters mama Gina

  • Lis January 18, 2017, 11:57 am

    In the context of home and ex-relationships…I admit everything! It’s past, I’ve learned the hard way.
    What hit me bad when reading your post Regina was my pattern continuing in MY BUSINESS context. Working and co-creating with 2 awesome ladies that I respect highly, in my company, in my vision of the future, in my method … I find myself in the same swamp.
    Woh, for seconds I was totally still when realizing this. Not even breathing.
    The Q in my mind next was…How am I going to create a movement if I’m stuck with this pattern?? – Not going to. Will not happen.
    Reality check!
    I’m grateful for the possibility to re-check my situation, Thank you Regina!

  • Joyce January 18, 2017, 11:26 am

    I am voraciously devouring every single one of your words in your book the School of Womanly Arts, this should be obligatory reading for all girls and women!! I just wish I could have learned some of these lessons earlier, BUT alas, it is never too late. Since September/ October I have been committed to manifesting my best life, but your book is like a catapult for me. I am still struggling with some things, but what I am thrilled to say is that I am finally hearing myself say things clearly like I want, or I know what I want, and is a huge step for someone who always put others wants and desires before her own. And then was full of resentment on the back end for never having time for me! Now I am daily making time for me and this is just the beginning. Thank you, thank you, thank you. See you this weekend for some more of your essential teachings! Joyce xo

  • Maria January 18, 2017, 8:47 am

    This is amazing! Shrink instead of expand. Expand instead of shrink.
    Simple. But our programs are so hard to change. I did see myself on place of you and your daughter’s eating. The same thing here. I started a new diet, with low sugar. And I feel exhausted, because now I have to cook double – for the kids and for me. I think of my daughter’s face when she sees grilled vegetables on her plate, and I am reaching out to make grilled cheese instead, having no energy to fight or to stand up for what I believe is good for her. My husband is no help here either. Sigh. And with the couple and a wife staying at home to clean up. Totally me. Sigh again. Expand. Thank you.

  • Alex January 18, 2017, 6:49 am

    Straight to the point! So much truth in it, and exactly what I have been both feeling and doing since I know myself
    Well, enough is enough!
    On the process of changing and thus contributing to better a world, through reeducating by heart and brain and living a better, loving and truthful life.
    Thank You Mama Gena!

  • Risa January 18, 2017, 4:20 am

    This weekend, I dropped my toddler off with my parents and took myself to Midori’s Forte Femme intensive weekend course in San Francisco; a three day weekend about the art of feminine dominance. I’ve taken a lot of classes with Midori, but I never took the plunge for this one because of the price tag, even though I wanted it for almost a decade. It was worth every fucking penny, I learned so much and got to watch the other 8 women in the course learn and blossom and embrace their strength. It reminded me a lot of this program, actually, down to the two major questions: “What would please me right now?” and “How am I holding space?” I also met 4 different people I found exceptionally attractive in their own ways, and got contact info for ALL of them. Yes!

    Also also, I went on a hike with my warrior lover yesterday after him being antisocial all weekend, and we had a very nice quickie next to a secluded waterfall. Yum!

  • wendy January 18, 2017, 12:19 am

    I have told my husband of 20 years that I am not feeling romantic towards him; I moved out of our home that we share with our 2 teenage sons. I feel so freaky doing this! But after a while of staying in a relationship so my kids would have a stable family, I realized I may be setting up an unstable family life with me being angry! I am still working through things, but it is a beginning of putting me first.

  • Luci January 17, 2017, 10:32 pm

    Thank you for this, Mama Gena! I do, indeed, put myself last. I have for over 25 years, maybe longer than that. I’m 46 years old now and I’m trying to rediscover me. I am on the precipice of some very big changes in my life: my kids are almost all grown (the youngest will graduate from high school in June!) and my husband and I plan to go our separate ways after our son leaves for college. I am excited, but also afraid. I left him about a year and a half ago, but I didn’t have any money saved up, I hadn’t planned properly. My son was extremely angry with me and hated the apartment we moved to. My husband told him a bunch of lies and long story short, I ended up moving back in with my husband. We tried to work it out, but of course it didn’t work. So, in a few months, I’ll be trying this again.

    I’ve gone on and on, but basically, I’ve put my kids and my husband first my entire life and now at 46, I’m kind of a burnt out mess, dealing with stress related hair loss, high cortisol levels, puffiness, irritability, and some inflammation. It doesn’t always show but I often feel tired and down. I do a lot of spiritual things, but nothing consistently. I know yoga, journaling, dance, things like that would help me, but I’m tired a lot, drained. I am open to suggestions and would love to hear from anyone that’s been where I am.

    Thank you.


  • Marie January 17, 2017, 10:07 pm

    I find there is an ebb and flow to my putting myself first or my putting myself last. The ebb and flow reflects the degree of need of those surrounding me. In meeting the needs of others I may put myself last but other times I may not. It depends on the degree of need. (Hungry infant vs. hungry adult). In the area of the preferences of others versus my preferences, I will give the other their preference on occasion but only if there is give and take, not all outgo. In the area of meals, I try to have at least one thing that each person likes so that preferences are balanced out.

  • Lila January 17, 2017, 7:53 pm

    As I read your email, my son interrupted me saying, Mom, what about me? Don’t you want to give me attention?” I said kindly that this was the exact topic of which I was reading. I said, “I am going to read this, cook a nice dinner and then I’ll be ready to give you my full attention.” He agreed and ran off to play. Thank you for these valuable teachings and sisterhood!

  • Jeanne January 17, 2017, 7:12 pm

    Went out to Italian Restaurant by myself and order takeout. Saw these cool Imported Chocolate covered cakes that are imported from Italy, so I put that right into my order and went home and tried it myself. The occasion was a night without kids. The Cake was good.

  • Elena January 17, 2017, 5:56 pm

    This really hit the spot. After being married for 21 years, I became a single mom of 5, working 3 jobs, and going to school full time. This was an extreme time for me but I felt that there was no other way. My kids for years would beg and plead for me to take care of myself, they made sure their school, chores, and even some of my things were done, but insistently I continued to live at level 1000 until I was diagnosed with TIA’s this past year. OMG what a wake up call that the earth still revolves when I stop to take care of myself not just physically but mentally as well. I love this blog!! absolutely love it!!

  • Pat January 17, 2017, 5:51 pm

    Orgasm first, chapter in my book second, glass of wine third and then a nap.
    Crazy day yesterday, coming down for the adrenalin high, so dozen today, looking after me.

  • Christine January 17, 2017, 5:21 pm

    Your post really hits home, I rearrange my time constantly, even to fit something into our family life that I wanted to do, I’ll explain. I wanted a family walk, but the fam took so long to get ready, I had to bail on another “for me” commitment to make the walk happen!
    Today, though, a bath with mineral salts and lunch at my favorite Japanese restaurant with my husband 🙂

  • Andrea Baird January 17, 2017, 5:04 pm

    Timely! Just finished your book. A revelation! Am re-reading it slowly again with pink underlining of the good parts. Healing from an auto immune disease that has me thin and constantly tight and sore. Rock bottom was me as a mumma home schooling, attachment parenting, many years breastfeeding…..felt like I nearly died! Coming back now through meditation, tigress yoga, dance, beautiful clothes, pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. I am going to take your specific example and start cooking some interesting meals for the family. I asked my daughters to go through the cook book and pick out some meals we could make for the family and they came up with lasagna, pizza, (again!) and vanilla ice cream. But I’ve really been wanting to try a prawn, pistacchio, and pesto meal on spiralized zucchini. I’m gonna do it!! Cook something gourmet……and let them eat toast! As an aside, I am blessed with 3 gorgeous daughters and since reading Pussy I am watching them more closely for tips on how to revel in beauty and pleasure. Last night they danced and giggled with long hair flying everywhere and bottoms wriggling, just for the sheer ecstasy of it. Yesterday my 8 year old had a long morning shower singing at the top of her voice, washed her hair and lathered her body with glitter shower gel. Then sat at the kitchen table nude, wearing nothing but a pair of reading glasses to do her morning literacy exercises. I think I’ll go do me some nude tigress yoga in amongst our lush garden!!!

  • Nancy January 17, 2017, 4:43 pm

    I’ve been going to yoga class every day, pretty much without fail, for months now. It feels fantastic to get in touch with myself at the start of every day. An act of self-love that helps me to be kinder to others.

  • Miss Lady Andi January 17, 2017, 4:28 pm

    I thank you for your writing. I put this into work a few months ago after being fed up with being last and resentful. I had to own up to the small gain I got from being “morally superior” in my suffering; and to believe in our collective joy and wellbeing.

    The joy of others is not bought at the expense of me own, and theirs is not at bought by my descent.

  • Debra January 17, 2017, 4:15 pm

    So spot on Regena!!!
    I realized AFTER Ana had gone to University that I didn’t get angry with her for the things she did…I got angry because I allowed her to talk me into things I did not feel good about. I so wanted to make sure that I didn’t not stifle her “voice”, but I forgot the best way to teach her to do that was to use my own….NOW, I just say…NO, that doesn’t feel good to me, and she is so much better at analyzing her inner voice rather than allowing every emotion to run her in circles…..Lead by example!!!!

  • Karen January 17, 2017, 3:41 pm

    I’m still sitting in my bed in my P J’s drinking coffee….but I do feel guilty

  • Donna May January 17, 2017, 2:54 pm

    I enjoy Reading the articles I learned so much thank you 😊💕

  • Denise January 17, 2017, 2:53 pm

    And, yes, last weekend I got angry & frustrated at my boyfriend because I wanted to take a walk, or get a massage, or go to yoga, or do SOMETHING, & when he didn’t want to go, what did I do? I stayed home! Then, I was mad at him because I stayed home with him. That is why this weekend I made sure I did exactly what I wanted to do (but secretly felt bad that I did so!).

  • Donna May January 17, 2017, 2:52 pm

    I take myself to Barnes & Noble and get a caramel Maki Otto and sit and read books I own a cleaning business and I’m learning to put myself first after learning this at 46 years old I take pleasure in discovering myself and watching a little bit a porn and getting off on it and it gives me such pleasure and release it’s a new way of viewing things in life giving myself pleasure first little surprises are coming along the way because I’m thinking That my desires and being gracious about life what I have already and new doors are opening it’s amazing thank you for let me join the movement

  • Denise January 17, 2017, 2:49 pm

    I went hiking & cross country skiing this past weekend. We had hot toddies in an outdoor hot tub, & spent the weekend with a great group of friends. We focused on only ourselves & what we wanted to do. Of course, when we got home our responsibilities were waiting, but it was wonderful to just do what we wanted to do! I am looking forward to Mama Gena’s workshop this weekend, to help me focus on doing for myself even more! I guess if I’m happy, the whole family is happy!

  • Shirl January 17, 2017, 1:58 pm

    I give myself a chapter of a great book today.

  • Missy January 17, 2017, 1:45 pm

    So excited for this weekend. This article was like reading my autobiography of self. I don’t think it is me so much needs convincing that it is me time. It is my sons 26 and 32. Widow for 5 yrs and they still think I don’t need a life, nor am I smart enough to decide my life on my own. Looking forward to busting out of the box that I have put me in for so long. I’m a naturally a care giver because of my life situations. But I’m tired of that role, time to take care of me for once in my life.

  • Nancy January 17, 2017, 1:42 pm

    All of this! This is my year of change ..I’m a mamma to two little ones and I’m home full time ..and I’m lost! This is true for so many women. But this year I am putting myself back at the top of the list ..thank you for this today..:)

  • Cindy January 17, 2017, 1:34 pm

    My only daughter left home for college in 2012. Then in 2014 (at age 52) my husband left me. In the middle of that trauma, I took such good care of myself. I was, of course, in sheer survival mode and had the stark realization that I was the ONLY person who could take care of me. Over the last year or so – even though it’s just me in my life – I find that I’ve regressed to putting myself last! I’m eating less-than-healthy food (in front of the TV) every night for dinner. Why would I spend the time to make a beautiful meal for myself? And because I struggled with isolation even in my marriage, it feels like this slippery slope that is always near to my path. All I desire is connection, yet there’s so much internal work going on in me; solitude has become a safe place to live. I don’t believe I’m clinically depressed (have a fantastic therapist), yet I definitely have a great deal of healing left to do. I’m proud of how I have worked to move forward and create a new life. And I want my life to be of a higher quality. Your post helped give me clarity and direction on this subject. Thank you for this additional light for my voyage. I’m grateful.

  • Carrie January 17, 2017, 1:24 pm

    Love this!! I’ve been feeling quite down this week and it’s because the pleasure is missing! Oh man, pleasure is really a disciplined practice. This week is about cranking up the pleasure and making me first!! To be honest, I’ve been so disconnected with this part of me, that it’s hard for me to start and get into it. First step is The Experience this weekend with the school! I just cannot wait 🙂

  • Patty January 17, 2017, 1:19 pm

    I so needed to read this today. Thank you!

  • Tanya January 17, 2017, 12:48 pm

    YES! I got married four years ago and…turned into this self-sacrificing martyr without even realizing it! By the end of last year, I had had ENOUGH!!! I’ve written, danced, visualized, cried, hugged my intentions over and over again for this year to be DIFFERENT. And it’s working! Every day I am choosing to do one thing just for me. Not my clients, my husband, my family, my friends. Just me. If it’s making bone broth soup with a ton of vegetables or doing yoga or dancing, it doesn’t matter. As long as it fills me up, it’s the right thing to do. I have a feeling that the end of this year will look very different….Thank-you beautiful women for being here! xoxo!!

  • Katharine January 17, 2017, 12:18 pm

    Thanks for the reminder, Mama Gena. Just took time out of my day to give myself the orgasm have been craving. Can’t wait any longer for lover to find time for me!!!

  • Shelly January 17, 2017, 12:15 pm

    In the past I’ve canceled my plans to suit others needs. Today I’m going forward with my plans for the day. This is a huge deal for me because my daughter asked me to babysit my 2 year old grandson who has a cold and fever. He can’t go to preschool so “you will have to watch him because I can’t take off from work.” Those were the actual words my daughter spoke to me. I stood up for myself and said no. That is difficult for me to do when it involves the grandchildren. I’m learning and I feel good about honoring me and
    my plans. Guess what? She did take off of work to take care of him. People figure it out when you stop putting everyone else in front of you.

  • Caroline January 17, 2017, 11:56 am

    Oh this is perfect timing… I woke up yesterday and realized I double-booked this weekend! I signed up for Mama’s Womanly Arts Experience In NYC but I also scheduled a weekend teaching session with my students. Normally, I drop everything for my kids, but I desperately want to go to Mama’s this weekend! I was about to cancel and rush off to “be of service” to my students, but this post made me think twice. I’m going to call in to work and fix the schedule blunder, and go ahead and meet my girlfriend this Saturday at 9am for a whole weekend dedicated to me!!! It is the right thing to do for ME– and I have all these stories to thank. 🙌🏽💗

  • Anne January 17, 2017, 11:52 am

    Your timing is perfect and elegant, Mama Gena!!! I haven’t showered in days, hate my family for their endless needs and have been a complaining mess! And, why? Because although I know better, after all I’m a Mastery graduate, I continue to put everyone else first and then want to either run away or die! Thank you SOOOO much for this timely reminder! Today after I finish work in a couple of hours I’m going to make a yummy lunch and take a luxurious bath with lavender essential oil. And everyday this week I VOW to do one thing everyday that makes ME FEEL HAPPY — maybe even two or three things! Thank you MG!

  • Mary Duncan January 17, 2017, 11:47 am

    Every time you send us a letter I feel so good! Thank you, Mama Gena, once again.
    So since I live alone and just moved into a new neighborhood, I’m having to do a lot of things just for myself in order to enjoy my new life. As part of this, I got a puppy. She is a real handful, so I finally signed up for dog-training classes (actually owner-training classes!), and am so glad I did. I’ll be a better owner and she will respond so much better and I’ll get my desires–a little dog I can sleep with and who will be my trusty companion. Also, recently we’ve gotten a lot of ice which makes walking in the neighborhood very treacherous. So today I ordered from REI some Yaktrax ICE grippers to attach to my boots. Now I can get out and walk on ice and feel safe. I’ll be able to get more exercise and feel better about my body. Since starting Mastery in 2015 I’ve really learned to put myself first. And so I thank you again, Mama Gena, for putting it out there! Bless you!

  • Toni January 17, 2017, 11:26 am

    Thank you for this! I am currently living the making food every night that I think my kids will eat and not things that I desire and want to try. That’s going to change! Tonight what I will do for myself is a quick kettlebell swing workout before I head home and time on the couch reading my book after dinner (something I want to eat). The kids can fend for and entertain themselves!

  • Emily Shaules January 17, 2017, 11:23 am

    Amen, Mama!!!!

  • Tara Dixon January 17, 2017, 11:17 am

    Just back from a long weekend at Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires with my sister, her fourteen year old daughter and our mother celebrating her 80th birthday. Reading this made me smile. Thank you for ALL the wisdom you have imparted to me over the years. I am very grateful to know self care and to have it permeate three generations of women in my family. I can feel my grandmother (my mother’s mother) cheering. Her name was aptly: Flo. Thank you for being such a beacon of hope and a radio antenna for women everywhere….the ripples truly transcend time.
    Looking forward to dancing with you next weekend.

    with love and gratitude-

  • Charlotte Droege January 17, 2017, 11:15 am

    I’ve started meditating, writing or journaling daily, doing yoga or some form of exercise daily. As the practice of all of these self-care activities became habits I developed the courage to separate/divorce my husband of 8 years and father of my two children. He was simply not supportive, he was negative, and condescending about nearly everything I did to give myself self-care. I was DONE. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE! My life has been transformed and I’ve also met the man of my dreams. 🙂

  • Nicole Ouellette January 17, 2017, 11:12 am

    I went skating on a pond. There were a million things I could have been doing but I was the only one on that perfect ice and it was worth making a bit of an effort to go there. I am trying to look at decisions in my life this way: Am I being a martyr or is this a reasonable sacrifice? Most of the time, I seem to be martyring to people who don’t notice so, hey, time to skate or buy the healthy (but more expensive) snacks and anything else I want that isn’t actually a sacrifice except to my happiness.

  • Alison January 17, 2017, 11:12 am

    Wow. This one really got me. Especially since I keep re-arranging “my time” for “other’s”. I thought – well its on the calendar I will get to it – but it is so easy to move and get to it later. Wow. This one really got me. I can’t wait to be in NYC this weekend with you all!!

  • Jennifer January 17, 2017, 11:10 am

    Yes, I’m done with modelling my mother’s habit of martyrdom and that love has to be self sacrificing. It didn’t get her anywhere and it’s not getting me anywhere but down in the dumps. Yes to loving like a Queen.

  • Anna January 17, 2017, 11:04 am

    Mama, I love you! Sisters, we are blessed 🙂 this is a reminder I wish I had more often.. eh like every day for a start. So true and so sad but yes, men have no problem with putting themself first and I feel guilty when I spend time between 22 and 23 o’clock doing yoga at home (no time for the gym); that is after having made sure every little one is asleep, the bags are packed for tomorrow and the floor is clean. Hell, WHY??? And yes, I feel miserable and worthless afterwards. And no, quick pleasures like chocolate and wine are not doing the trick. It must be something that genuinely raises our value and is not about compromising ourselves. Ah, so difficult! But a new habit ought to start somewhere..

  • Charlotte January 17, 2017, 10:52 am

    Yoga is EVERYTHING!! 🙂

  • Rose Norman January 17, 2017, 10:48 am

    Thank you Mama Gena! I so needed this today as I was feeling angry at my boyfriend and sorry for myself. I am an organized neat person and he is the opposite which drives me crazy. We do not live together usually (in separate countries so a long distance relationship which has its own issues). Right now he is staying with me in a cottage I rented and he will be here for 6 weeks while he is on a treatment program for cancer. This is week 2. When he leaves I deal with the mess in the kitchen, making his bed, doing laundry and preparing supper. No sex since early November which I am OK with because of his present limitations. (It was great before). I can pleasure myself. What I resent is our inability to spend time doing something besides talk about his illness and treatment – and the mess (which is the norm for him). I was feeling like a victim with guilt built in because he is ill.
    After reading your article, I decided that I am going to finish the laundry (I already cleaned the kitchen). I am going to fold his sheets etc. and let him make the bed when he gets home. I am going to read and go for a bike ride. Then I will probably be able to handle the situation better tonight.
    Love your articles. (P.S. I used the one on being grateful that you send previously and it worked to lift my spirits).

  • Penelope January 17, 2017, 10:45 am

    Oh, how timely.
    I spent Christmas entertaining my Mum and sister, and weeks before and after supporting a friend whose husband was terminally ill and he passed on 22nd December. It got to the point where, as I made another act of support in the new year, I just knew it was too much and succumbed to a cold and a slight flu before I would make time for me. Even then I still went to the private cremation service (whether I wanted to or not) and continued my supporting role as if the world depended on me.
    I have finally allowed myself some me time with a trip to Portugal from the UK. How restorative is the sunshine and relaxation of simply walking, eating, drinking, reading and sleeping. It is so easy to fall into the role of looking after others, especially having no partner or family of my own. I still need to recognise that my life is worthwhile even if I care for myself alone.

  • Jill Ewing January 17, 2017, 10:43 am

    I took a hot bath and read a book. I’m coming to your school this weekend. So excited! I’m Leaving my 6 and 13 year old with their dad! Thank you mama Gena!
    Love your Pussy book. Telling all my friends. See you soon 💗 Jill

  • Amanda January 17, 2017, 10:41 am

    I went to yoga this morning. I committed to a regular yoga practice four months ago, but recently I’ve found myself canceling classes, moving stuff around, and not really prioritizing it. I’ve also been in a real rut/funk the past few weeks and couldn’t figure out why. Well, duh! I was canceling on myself. I recommitted to yoga, signed up for classes the rest of the month, and I am prioritizing my practice. No guilt, just pleasure!

  • Denise January 17, 2017, 10:37 am

    I.LOVE.THIS. I go through such similar things and make similar choices and wonder why I feel resentful and tired. I have a loving, creative, compassionate daughter but I do a lot for her. I hold back from requesting what I need or setting boundaries because she’s sensitive and is hard herself when I say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “this is hard on me”…but I have started talking to her when my meter has run out. I let her know, not today. I’m beginning and she actually is responding well. Perhaps I am modeling for her how to be a woman who sets boundaries and to know there’s no guilt or shame in that?? Thank you! Loved this post so much!!