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The Technology of Love

It
Is all
Just a love contest
And I never
Lose.
Now you have another good reason
To spend more time
With
Me.

-Hafiz

Many people ask me how I started, where I started, when I started,  and why I started The School of Womanly Arts. When something is truly a calling, it has many beginning points in your life, as I am sure that many of you have seen inside your own lives.

For me, one of the early points when I began to hear the call was when I was 14, and my parents took me and my brothers to Israel for a couple of months. I was miserable and I had nothing to do. I could not speak the language. So, I volunteered at the WIZO baby home for orphans and foster children. There, I found a language I could speak. I knew the language of babies. 

I remember this feeling that slid all over me, as I walked into that ward, where the children who were under two were kept. There were rows and rows of cribs. The children were either orphans, or being kept there while their parents got themselves back on their feet, financially or emotionally. It was a warm liquid feeling, this wonderful sense of being so effective and so appreciated by the babies. Being entirely responsible and capable of contributing is rare for a young teenager.

The sensual pleasure and the adventure of being with these babies filled me with joy. I was able to be expert with my love. It was like a feast for every one of my senses. I loved the feeling of the babies in my arms. Feeding them. Having them throw up on me. Changing them. Having them reach for me, want me, know me, relax against me. Running from one to another as they cried, and being able to stop their tears and restore them to happiness. Watching them crawl, holding fat, moist fingers as they stood to walk. I loved making up stories about who they were, and pretending that they were all mine. I just loved those days of taking care of these unwanted babies. I had this feeling in my body of knowing exactly what to do to be of service.

The staff would take a break at 10am to go to the cafeteria for bread, butter and tea. But I would not leave the babies. The food of love they gave me melted me, fed me, and gave me place and space. I knew who I was, there, with them. They were all mine to love as I pleased. The home was understaffed, so the babies were basically mine. It was like a fantasy come true – to be given 20 babies to play with.

I knew exactly how to care for them and bring them back from the space of being indifferent and dead to love, with my attention and playfulness. They were my joy. Some days, their families would come to visit. And even though these babies were only a year, or younger, they could feel that they were with their family. And when the family would have to leave, the baby would fall into terrible despair. Inconsolable despair.

I learned about the dead space that happened when a baby was ignored or unloved. The child would simply stop growing and stop responding. What I loved to do, more than anything, was to reach inside that hollow place and awaken the dead parts, and bring that baby back to her love of her life. There was no better place for me than being with those babies, and being able to pour my love into them.

There was a baby called Judith. About 8 months old. She was a beautiful, brown-eyed baby, but had not had the love or attention that could keep her connected to her curiosity, her attention, and her life force. She was lethargic. Affectless. Not giving a crap about sitting up… at 8 months old.

A doctor taught me how to work with her, which I did, every single day. I would take a small toy, catch her eye, and watch her watch the toy as I moved it from one side of her sight lines to the other, encouraging her all the way, with approval and love. I would move a toy towards her, inviting her to grasp it, approving of her and appreciating her. She would engage.

I learned that there was a technology to love. Not just a feeling.

I would have to watch her ever so closely, and then stop the moment she grew tired, quickly – before she could feel disappointment in herself – and switch games. I learned to approve of any small step she made, of increasing her attention, increasing her reach. I learned that she wanted to engage, despite all the disappointments that had come before. And I learned that the shy smile that moved across her face, when she was pleased with herself, touched every cell of my being. And all I wanted to do was see that smile again. I knew that this love I was learning – this love I was privileged to give her, and to all these babies – was food for The Goddess. She was all around me in this place. This beauty was feeding her, pleasing her. I could feel it.

I had to work hard to get to there. Two crowded public buses. Where I was often harassed or molested. But I would do anything to go and to be with those children. My job was to assist them to remember. Remember that they can laugh. And love. And receive love. And nothing could have stopped me from the chance to do that. And it took very little from me to have them remember. I learned how to love a baby back from the edge of despair and despondency.
Which loved me right back to myself, right along with them.
And in doing so, I became an expert love jockey.

So many of us long for love.
So many of us were orphaned one way or another – not receiving the attention we required, or not being supported in a way that was most sensitive to the children we were. So many of us grew up with empty spaces inside that might have been loved into brilliance if we had been given different kinds of support.

There is a technology to love. It’s about attention. It’s about patience. It’s about approval.
And the gorgeous part of this technology is that no matter how we were or were not loved, in our lives, we can still practice, every day, both with ourselves, and with one another.

I’d love to hear from you, in the comments.
Where can you place your attention on another person today, so that they feel noticed, seen, gotten?
Where can you polish someone with your approval and appreciation?
Where can you give your approval to yourself today?
How can you find yourself adorable and enchanting for no reason, except that you exist?

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43 Comments / Leave a Comment

43 comments… add one

  • SG Sacheen October 9, 2014, 2:15 pm

    How did I miss this last month? Wait. I did not. It found me just when it needed to do so. So profound and beautiful and real. Love is a feeling and a technology. I am/will own that idea in my life. Thank you.

  • Amy M. Burks October 1, 2014, 2:56 pm

    this story is breathtaking. you are THE love jockey.

  • SGDonna October 1, 2014, 12:05 pm

    Thank you for sharing this story. My family has great need of love from me and I have not been able to give them the attention, the patience, the approval you write of. I see that I need to learn. Thank you, Mama Gena, for helping me see what to do.

  • Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked September 29, 2014, 12:01 pm

    Dear Mama Gena,

    Thank you so much for sharing this. How amazingly beautiful that you had this in your life at such a young age. How wonderful for all of us that you just keep honing your skill and passion in this area. Attention, Patience, Approval, Adoration , Reverence and Respect. I am engraving these words on my heart as the foundation for moving and acting within the world.
    Thank you for all of the beautiful shares.
    With heart wide open in joy, peace and love.
    xoxo

  • Elizabeth September 28, 2014, 3:14 pm

    I love this blog! In all the years that I have known you this blog touches me in a way your stories have never done before. Your love for these babies warms my heart and I now respect you in a whole new way. This was an amazing experience and one I desire with all my heart and soul.
    Thank you for sharing this part of you.

  • Detox Diva Donna September 27, 2014, 10:26 pm

    This experience had to be life changing for you. You write about it like it just happened. What a big heart you have!

  • SG Barbara September 27, 2014, 9:10 pm

    Gena,
    How beautiful. How inspiring. I read this after a day at a financial fitness seminar. That all seems so meaningless compared to your poignant description of giving love.

    I am alone this evening. This is my current condition and I have come to accept it.

    After reading this blog I felt an unfamiliar yearning to have someone to love.
    Thank you for kindling this feeling.

  • tasha September 27, 2014, 12:04 pm

    Mama!
    I can’t stop crying while reading the story
    And it connected to my frozen heart immediately turning it back to Love and Compassion,
    to non-stop of the only ever existing Grace in the world, back to my feminine heart

    sensitive and brave, and persistent in giving and receiving Love
    all is possible when women like you are exist in this world

    You gave me today the most supportive reminder of who I am
    Million Thanks to you, Mama Gena!!!!!!
    I am calling now my friend to give her my love and support and when my disabled daughter will come back home in the evening I will do all what I can to reassure her that she is not alone, that I love her very much and I never will abandon her……

  • SG Abisola September 27, 2014, 10:39 am

    Dearest Mama Gena,

    Thank you for such a tender heart warming story that spun my heart to the power of love. May the blessing of this story reach thousands of Sister Goddesses born and unborn! I am recommitted to loving myself and others. What the world needs now is Love Sweet Love from a conscious lovers who know the gift that the Goddess has given!

  • Elizabeth September 26, 2014, 4:03 pm

    Dear Mama,
    This post reached my gut and heart, and thank you. I came to work that morning, and saw places where I could reach out to sisters and did and those actions made my own day (excellent) and theirs just because I could make that choice. XOXO

  • Kady Dalrymple, KadyBloom September 26, 2014, 11:19 am

    Thank you Regena for this beautiful story and recollection of your life. I feel responsible and motivated daily to make a difference in other lives, just to make them feel seen, valued and recognized for the soul and spirit they are. People say I have an open and engaging smile, so I turn that light on everyone in my path as well as appreciation and gratitude for our interaction. I know it feed them by the joy in their eyes to be seen and it makes me feel grounded and connected. It’s basic, but food for our soul.
    So thank you for the reminder of sharing ourselves and following our instinct to do what we can for others. As I am being called forth to transform, so are many others to give our gifts fearlessly in our world.
    Best,
    KadyBloom

  • Dorothy Davis September 24, 2014, 8:16 pm

    Thank you, for sharing this absolutely beautiful expression of love. It’s no wonder you turned into such a champion for Goddess energy. What an incredible gift your parents gave to you. SG Dorothy

  • SG Kathleen aka Sister Goddess Pussy Kat September 24, 2014, 2:27 pm

    Sacred. I am moved beyond words. I just adore you Regena!

  • ekin September 24, 2014, 8:24 am

    Wow!
    Thank you so much godess <3 thats my inspiration for today.
    I want no I am going to love my inner child just like you do.
    Even all the pain and darkness there is always light.
    Thank you so much you are my daily inspiration
    Xoxo EA

  • Sister Goddess Dazzling Debra September 24, 2014, 7:44 am

    I have been paying attention to this thing called Purpose. Of course Regena you are a perfect model for Living your Purpose. And it is so generous and fascinating to hear this story, not only for the technology of Love, but for an example of how we can pay attention to teens and make sure they are given the chance to live their passion. Ah Bubbie, you too are a rock star.
    THank you both for being the brightest light in the path to the upliftment of women
    I am so grateful to be walking this path with you

  • Sherrie Huckelberry September 24, 2014, 12:38 am

    Sweet reminder ….its the love we make that is the inroad to our own heart center…Namaste

  • Tracy September 23, 2014, 11:53 pm

    Dear Mama Gena,

    Thank you for this beautiful post. I’m always looking for ways to get the “log out of my eye” when it comes to how I see my children. I have a tendency to see the negative or what could be improved. After reading your post I am reminded how important it is to meet them where they are and encourage and support and approve of them in their own unique growth processes. I’m keeping your words in my heart to return to when I find myself doing battle with the parenting experts (both old fashioned and progressive) that live in my head.

    So much love and gratitude to you and this community!

  • Leigh September 23, 2014, 10:39 pm

    This was such a lovely article, thank you. My life has been changed by what I’ve read of yours and I am so grateful every day for the shifts in my life, she self-confidence and the lovely man I’m dating.

    I am a little stuck here though and wondering what happens when I am becoming a rockstar at all of this but my partner isn’t necessarily on the same trajectory. I am feeling a little like I’m over-giving and needing to receive some (or more) of what you’re speaking about earlier. What am I forgetting here?

    Thanks for any insights.

  • Elke September 23, 2014, 8:37 pm

    Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this story of love, hope, and being so totally present to another human being! I have a three year old boy. And sometimes I struggle with his temper (bless his little fierce heart!) and sometimes with being in this as solo mom. But there is nothing more elating then those moments when I see him beam, when I am fully present, when he is so totally proud of himself and feels acknowledged in all his entirely, his skills, desires, interactions, silly ideas, and his love and curiosity of life.

  • Alla September 23, 2014, 6:17 pm

    Thank you for this, Mama Gena. I have a question though (as I just broke up with my boyfriend) – should we even more when we do not receive love back? Or is it an act of necessary self-love to lovingly leave a relationship where we do not feel loved back?

  • Sierra September 23, 2014, 4:46 pm

    Deeply inspiring article! And it’s so clear how much of that love you still give to us today. I can see how powerful this experience was for you and can only imagine what incredible miracle grow you gave to those babies who are now adults. I am VERY grateful for how that experience has blossomed into what you offer now. You truly are a Mama in the deepest sense of the word.

    I am in awe of your work, your mission, your expression… and I am grateful to be learning from you on SO many levels. You are a gift Regena. Thank you for being you.

    XO Sierra

  • Eugenia September 23, 2014, 3:46 pm

    Regena!

    I love this article. The technology of love does exist. When I put my attention on people, I see that they want to be approved and loved and that they want to be seen. All I have to do is listen and love them in the moment of my connection with them and here they are infused with love and appreciation for being heard and seen.

    Attention is my everyday practice. The more I put it out there, the more joy I feel inside of me to live in the moment and keep going.

    With Love
    Eugenia

  • Wildcherry Jeanette September 23, 2014, 3:04 pm

    I noticed your email, ‘SEEN’ and soooo gotten.
    Your writing created a fire in me to polish my lovely relationships with my four darling daughters – never can love them enough.
    As for my three sons, I’ll rough them up whilst basking in the manly essences that they absolutely exude – fabulous seeing my boys as grown up, real men.
    My self-approval is found in allowing myself time to be more of me and less of what I feel I should be for everyone else. That’s my perfection; my now.
    Adorably enchanting is my new Womantra 🙂

    ….this darling life tale has blown my frames of you into new realms of appreciation.
    You are truly dear and worthy of being treasured, beautiful Regena.
    Love Loves from my ever-expanding heart-o-love to yours. xxx

  • jane September 23, 2014, 2:32 pm

    this is so, so stunning. i’m in the middle of pushing myself out of my comfort zone in so many ways. and when i move too fast, push too hard, do it all alone, i tend to get depressed and very hard on myself. and i give up. when i have a gentle teacher and a very supportive container and community i blossom. that beginning phase of baby stepping into a new you, into a new career or a new way to be and feel in the world is so vulnerable. i know now how precious the incubation and first steps are – how i need to actively protect this phase and myself by avoiding naysayers completely, being gentle with myself, and surrounding myself with very supportive people. i thought this was just me that needed this. i would tell people “i need handholding in the beginning” and this just gives me even more permission to feel that’s ok. this is just beautiful.

  • SG Sparkle September 23, 2014, 2:24 pm

    This is such a beautiful and moving story — one that I will treasure and read again and again (at exactly the most perfect and most elegant of times, of course!). THANK YOU for sharing the gorgeous details with such vividness and clarity, so that we can take the universal truths within your experience deep into our own souls.

    Attention, patience, approval.
    Attention, patience, approval.

    I want to own that like a (wo)mantra and remember it when I am with….my mother! my son! my friends! my boss! my self!

    Truly inspiring. Thank you!

  • Luxurious Laurie September 23, 2014, 2:07 pm

    Such lovely words you’ve written here, Regena.

    I love placing my attention on other people. I can feel their appreciation, and it feeds my soul.

    Today, I placed my attention on a lover who is going through some personal challenges.

    In my work as a SI, I place my attention lovingly on each of my clients…and I feel that love mirrored back to me.

    I learn so much about myself by placing my attention on other people. It is extremely profound to me that it happens this way!

    I place my attention on myself through self-care, introspection, and being gentle with myself.

  • Marie September 23, 2014, 1:51 pm

    Mama Gena – Thank you for sharing this story. I love reading your posts and the comments and always feel something shifts in me when I do. This story, and your explanation of the “technology of love,” are speaking to me so much that I had to write in! I am setting an intention to consciously practice it – and ask for it.

  • Yvonne Vermillion September 23, 2014, 1:34 pm

    I don’t have a problem loving others and putting myself last. It’s our job as human beings to be compassionate, but it’s God’s job to “fix”. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to “fix” another person’s low self esteem — and I shouldn’t feel I’m a failure because someone isn’t attracted to me. Maybe they’re looking for other attributes or a different personality. Why do I always go the negative place — I’m not perfect enough or good enough? I don’t want to react with emotion, I want to react with logic. I also realize that when my self-esteem is working, I bring a lot to the relationship. When it isn’t working, I bring my lack to the relationship. I want to learn from women of power instead of hating their confidence!

    • stephanie September 23, 2014, 10:52 pm

      keep going yvonne! you’re onto something BIG!!! you’re right where to be, in an awareness of what’s working and what’s not. acknowledge where you are, you don’t have to do anything about it. this is just **** you were taught. drink deeply from the well of these beautiful women and you will move beyond this into your power and love of self. : )

  • Luxurious Laurie September 23, 2014, 1:23 pm

    LOVE.

  • Donna Ann September 23, 2014, 12:52 pm

    I was inspired by your post to forget my own insecurities and to send love to the people I care about. It’s a practice I do everyday but it became even clearer to me that the attention , playfulness, and approval are all keys to helping others feel loved. And I get the benefits too. Thank you Thank you Thank you

  • Colleen Hannegan September 23, 2014, 12:52 pm

    I’m sitting here eating my egg sandwich at Subway before work with tears in my eyes and my heart breaking open reading your story. A poetic and powerful Goddess story to remind us of our true gift to give… love. Tender love. Thank you Mama Gena!!!
    I think we’re all born with an empty space that needs to find love and fill in the space and we need others to help us! So beautiful!’

  • Joie September 23, 2014, 12:41 pm

    I am so moved by the beauty and inspiration of your message. Just this morning I had been reading your Ops manual and put a post it on my monitor that says, ‘Practice Approval.’ Then I open my email and there is this incredible gift of your story of ultimate approval.

    I also want to say how amazed I am by the heartfelt and poetic support you give one another. I have rarely known even one woman who speaks to another in this way. But in this community you all do this with each other. It moves me to tears. I didn’t know women could have such beautiful connection with each other. Thank you for letting anyone participate and see and learn from all of you, but especially from Mama Gena. I have a new desire- To attend your courses and grow in confidence and self-love– I’m already pretty strong in that area, but I now see I can do even better; particularly in relation to appreciating and encouraging men. Merci Mama. xox

  • Sg Rockstar September 23, 2014, 11:30 am

    This is a gorgeous example of living full out and I so love that you shared it with us. It touched my soul in a way that I have always dreamed of and awakened in me a renewed and rejuvenated sense of my purpose in this world.

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this and letting us see all the sides of a Goddess.

  • Jane September 23, 2014, 11:11 am

    OMGoddess. I’m on the verge of tears. On the first morning of Mastery, I thought to myself “There is no way I would have any connection with this woman.” Now that I know you I know we have so many intertwined points in our lives. And this is one more. My husband is from Israel, his father was orphaned at the age of 4. He died last October. To the end, I sensed in this man the potential that was never coaxed out because there was no one to pay him the reverence that each one of us deserves from birth. There is a universe of potential in all of us and it blossoms with adoration. That’s a word that has come into my awareness over the last week. Sometimes we use the word ‘love’ so much, we forget that it has so many iterations. What I have begun to understand in taking Mastery and Creation with you is that focused attention in the form of adoration is like the breath of life in this universe. Thank you Regena.

  • Magical September 23, 2014, 10:49 am

    beautiful, no words for it, thank you, touching my heart and opening it even more. mama gena, thank you for showing up soo big that it was possible to “find” and “meet” you.

  • SG Sophia September 23, 2014, 10:44 am

    This was really moving, and beautiful – and a reminder of where the wellspring of love inside us really comes from. It’s made me think of my mother as a baby, and where and how she might have been abandoned – and to consciously, and lovingly, love that part in her – and in myself.

  • Kimberly September 23, 2014, 10:36 am

    Mama Gena, that was beautiful!
    I am so grateful for your experience because it is so true! The more that we know the importance of love and how it can make the biggest difference in our lives and others-the more we can share it! Its abundant and so needed.
    I am ready to show appreciation to my husband with a love text!
    Thanks for sharing and I am making a big sign in my kitchen to “Love”
    xoxo
    SG Kimberly

  • SG Patty September 23, 2014, 10:35 am

    I’ve often been blocked when I’ve heard the term “technology” (such a hard sounding word) applied to something like love. The two never seemed to go together. Reading this blog, I experienced that again, but I pushed past that and actually looked up the word technology and found this interesting definition:
    1610s, from Greek tekhnologia “systematic treatment of an art, craft, or technique,” .

    Definitely what you are speaking of in your interaction with those babies was a “systematic treatment”. Certain action, combined with heart and emotion. What you applied was skillfully done, a skill you learned by practicing with intention. It’s interesting how love can be an art and a science. I count myself very lucky to be on the receiving end of your art and science. It has changed my life.

    I’m going to take this blog to heart and interact one on one with people today in a slower more thoughtful way, looking at them attentively, silently loving them and approving of them. I’m going to send a few messages of love to my son and daughter, just because.

    And I’m going to place a small mirror on my desk and wink and smile at myself all day.
    xoxoxo to you Regena, as always you rock it!

  • Santha September 23, 2014, 10:26 am

    Mama Gena,

    I can feel you here, as who you are, as I never have been able to before.
    I can feel the roots of your practice, and of what you have become.
    I can find myself here, too.
    Thank You!

    This message teaches me how to love.
    How to give love so it can be received.
    Small doses, consistently.
    Just like exercise, just like learning a language — the language of Love.
    Thank You!

    There are so many people, so many things, that I love.
    I will continue to practice every day.
    I will know better how to practice, as a result of your message.
    Thank You!

    Thank the Goddess for bringing me this message, here, today, on this Equinox morning.

    What a joyful day!

    with love,

    SG Santha

    • SG Laura Marie September 23, 2014, 1:39 pm

      How? Small doses, consistently. Thank you for the reminder.

  • pal-pip-wi September 23, 2014, 10:20 am

    Wonderful story! I could feel eel your loving abilities with those babies.
    My man and I got in a squabble yesterday and this made me realize that I owed him some loving attention and appreciation! So I just shot him a love message he needed to hear. Thank you Mama Gena.

  • Alay'nya September 23, 2014, 10:18 am

    God(dess), this is GORGEOUS!

    And so absolutely inspiring.

    And humbling.

    Thank you.

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