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My anger is fuel. And so is yours.

Come, let’s talk. 

Who is with me on the pissed? 

For me these days, it’s the misogyny, racism, and plain vanilla closed-mindedness that makes me want to explode. There are so many good reasons to be mad. What are you angry about, sisters? Self-serving leaders? The oceans filling with plastic? The cost of prescription drugs? So-called “women’s magazines” and what they say about the wrongness women’s bodies? How much work there is to do to get through a day? The electric bill? Your partner who can’t put socks in a hamper? The parents of the kid bullying your kid? Your best friend’s cancer? Aging? All of it? There is so much to feel angry about.

The culture teaches women to shut down our anger, stifle our rage, and conceal our displeasure at all costs.

We all learned early that it was our job to swallow. And without other apparent options, so often, we do.

 
Because if we got angry, really angry, instead of swallowing it, it might swallow us. Right? And then who would pick up groceries, get everyone fed, and log back in late at the office?

You won’t be swallowed though. You won’t lose yourself there. I know. I’ve been. And back. And back again. In fact, it is my conviction that we as women can, and must, use our anger and learn the tools and technology to move it through so it takes us higher. This is so central to the way I teach and live.

And the key to using our anger for creative good is choosing to turn on to the feelings, rather than turn off. When I notice I am pissed, I remember that, as my pal Omo says, anger without turn-on is like fossil fuel, like coal. It will fuel you, but only for so long, and it pollutes the environment and destroys the earth and humankind. 

Anger with turn-on is like clean, renewable energy – it is solar, wind, and water power. It’s needed and necessary and good.

 
Often when we think of “turn-on”, it’s in a sexual sense, that it’s about pleasure. And that is one expression of turn-on. But at its heart, turn-on is about feeling fully ALIVE. Real, raw, pulsing alive.

So how do we do this with anger? What does it even mean to anger with turn-on?

 
Here’s what I do:

I sit with it and feel like shit.

I find the anger and outrage and fury in my body. Is it in my belly? My throat? The base of my skull? 

I give it my full attention. I don’t try to distract myself. Is it prickly? Is it oozing like tar? Burning like tequila?

I ask what it needs. Often the answer is movement, so I may stomp or dance. Or it could be sound, so I may howl or drum. Sometimes, it is tears.

I do this until I feel the next feeling, the one after the anger. 

When the anger shifts – and left to run its course it will – I put my hand on my pussy (stay with me, you knew we’d be going here…) …and I listen. The wisdom always comes. 

From that connected place, I take right, aligned, inspired, creative action.

Anger that doesn’t receive this care and attention becomes leaky.

 
It oozes out at the too-slow grocery store clerk, or in traffic, or at the kids, or the dog. It’s toxic… to our environments and to ourselves. And it makes us destructive and depleted, which goes against our nature as creative beings. So we don’t want to do that. 

And when it does receive this care and attention?

 
Your anger becomes your wisdom. Your anger tells you how to create an extraordinary and meaningful life on your own terms, and it gives you the energy to do it. Your anger can change everything. For you, for others, for all of us.

When the mood strikes, rage until that rage becomes fuel for something true and holy.

 
This is so important to me that my Womanly Arts Mastery curriculum devotes hours to the deep practice of expanding our emotional range, marrying our anger with our intuitive wisdom, and – most of all – feeling strong, powerful, and beyond the system that is designed to keep us small. 

In the comments below, tell me about your anger.
What are you angry about?
What does your anger want you to change?
Does it feel clean and compelling to turn on your anger?

With love and fire,

Regena Thomashauer, aka “Mama Gena”
The School of Womanly Arts

Regena is an academic of pleasure, a teacher, a speaker, a mother, a best-selling author, a feminist icon, and creatrix and CEO of The School of Womanly Arts.

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30 Comments / Leave a Comment

30 comments… add one

  • Pam January 26, 2018, 4:08 pm

    My anger has always gotten me into trouble. My husband retired 1.5 years ago and we have been arguing about involving me in the household finances. He pays all the bills as he is the only one with an income right now and I asked for him to show me how he pays the bills in the event he is incapacitated. He has dodged me for 1.5 years but as of the first of this year, I have insisted to be included in this activity. (I am also the one who provides money when he overextends which I pay out of an inheritance.) Since I have paid for things in past, I want to see where the money goes and be involved in the management of it. We just had another fight and he belittles me for getting angry yet he doesn’t heed my request to involve me. What should I do?

  • V Schuler January 25, 2018, 12:13 pm

    I’m angry because my daughter and her 5 kids are totally dependent on me right now. I’m freshly divorced and feel completely overwhelmed with this responsibility. I’m trying to help her get her life back on track. It has been a slow and rough process. Meanwhile, I work full-time and I’m trying to get my new health coaching business off the ground. It’s hard because I have no privacy, peace or quiet in my own home. I appreciate the opportunity to let my anger out here. For the most part, I’m pretty happy go lucky. I have a lot to be thankful for. I appreciate your book. I totally relate and promote your ideas to other women.

  • Monie January 25, 2018, 9:00 am

    I am angry because my son was molested as a child, raped as a teenager. The people who are responsible have never been prosecuted. Now he is an adult with a list of issues and emotionally unstable. I am trying to superglue some pieces back together and pray he will have a happy life. Really angry that my son was scared at such a young age. Not sure what would make any of that fuel.

  • Jen r January 24, 2018, 10:37 pm

    This is perfect timing as I’ve been feeling so unsettled. I’ve been wanting to face it and proceed and unsure how instead of avoiding or covering. I’m so angry at the way women are treated and how terribly we treat ourselves! I’m so angry at a world who supports this attitude. I’m angry at my husband for being stressed out all the time out about money and how it’s taking a toll on our family and relationship. I’m angry that my high spirited high needs children are misunderstood and not supported by school. I angry that I want then in better schools, want us to eat healthier and want to us be guided by my pleasure to greater heights but our money woes constantly get in the way. I’m also beyond pissed that bad things happen to good people while some people who do awful things skate by.

  • Melissa January 24, 2018, 10:12 pm

    Oh Mama Gena, I am so FUCKING Mad. You have been with me a part of my roller coaster shit show attempt of trying to save my marriage. We have talked to Q & A’s and have spoken directly to me. You have given me so much. And frankly, the tools I have learned from you probably gave me more time in my marriage. Which, we finally have called it quits after 14 years of marriage, 17 years together. We got together when I was 19. I am now 36 and am fucking hot. And, men are asking me out, but, I am so angry at a couple of the choices I would prefer to be with. What the hell? Why am I giving them my power. I hope to speak to you next week at The Experience. You are gorgeous and have helped me so much since 2015. But, I am ready to channel this anger and rage and figure out how to let it out and truly turn on. Much love, Melissa from VA

    • Cynthia January 25, 2018, 7:45 am

      Yes!!!!

  • Keitha January 24, 2018, 9:03 am

    My anger resides in ill intentions in the world around me… Cruelty to animals and all life….disregard for our fellow brother and sister…homeless children. I could go on and on but I loved what you wrote. I work on staying in the present moment and where I am at at the time. I have been to therapy for years dealing with anger and rage. There is a book called True Love by Thich Nhat Hahn…
    There is a part that very specifically speaks of bringing up certain emotions to nurture other ones. You got it Sister!

  • shannon January 24, 2018, 8:52 am

    Another day, another school shooting. Mad and sad.

  • Julie Marable / Warrior Goddess Mastery 2010 January 23, 2018, 10:14 pm

    Angry about those socks on the floor for years and the toothpaste squeezed in the middle, but mostly angry that I had a marriage that was so one sided that I was a single parent in a two parent household working full time with the spouse at home. I finally took the courage to own that anger and told my spouse it was over. Yes. Over. It took 8 years to get to this place but the door is flung open and I feel alive.

  • Melynda January 23, 2018, 8:17 pm

    I’m angry that my daughters were sexually assaulted and the legal system is broken. I’m angry that my ability to protect my children is being taken away from me as a sociopath charms women in charge of mine and my children’s safety/joy/success. I’m angry that our government seems to value checking boxes, throwing around power and holding face more than really serving its people integrally. I’m angry that my life of 36 years has had the most horrific experiences that I would not cast upon anyone. I’m raging because I want to know what it is all for and pray it’s not for nothing. God speed. Give me the strength to stay balanced and process my pain!

    • MayLynn January 23, 2018, 8:37 pm

      Dear Melynda,
      I feel your anger. My situation resembles yours. Have hope that clean anger will fuel your faith…serenity

    • Julie Marable / Warrior Goddess Mastery 2010 January 23, 2018, 10:20 pm

      I also feel you anger. My 14 yr old daughter was sexually assaulted by a classmate at school. She was targeted. Beautiful young girl in a women’s body. We are all broken and working through the pain. Her beautiful natural light has been dimmed and she did not deserve to have her beautiful energy, her being assaulted.

  • Marie January 23, 2018, 7:51 pm

    I am angry at myself for trusting too much, for taking people for granted, for using alcohol to distract me & causing me to lose my self respect, worth. for losing my husband. for hurting people that I love & love me with my actions & words. In the past 4 1/2 years my life has changed drastically.

  • Anonymous January 23, 2018, 5:04 pm

    I’m angry because I have no idea what’s coming next in my life. I have lost all external supports, and I am at a HUGE CROSSROADS. I’m angry at GOD/DESS for not showing me RIGHT NOW what I’m called to do…. I feel exhilarated too, and scared. But FREE….. I am 56, and about to start a whole new chapter. I just committede to 10 weeks with a personal trainer, a badass woman in her 40’s who just climbed Kilamanjaro. I”M GETTING IN SHAPE…. I can just smell the ocean, feel the sand, of some exotic beach in my near future…. I can’t wait to feet hot and sexy again…… I feel BRAND NEW these days, highly uncomfortable in this UNKNOWING, but excited too, and ready……. Love you goddeses!

  • Nancyna January 23, 2018, 4:57 pm

    I Love this blog! I am angry that I am like a tool: to myself, to my husband, to my children, to my students. I feel used up, washed out, pressed into service, instead of held, cherished, heard, respected. I am buried somewhere inside the functions I serve, and can’t find my way out.

    • Anonymous January 23, 2018, 8:39 pm

      Go on strike. Offer Essentiel services only. Slow down and take care….

  • Lee January 23, 2018, 3:37 pm

    I am angry and oh so very hurt my only sibling inherited my parents’ estatebecause they didn’t like my spouse. I laterdivorced and my sibling sold the family house and did not offer me a portion & wouldn’t sell it to me at the price I could afford. Shortly thereafter, I lost my job and my sibling didn’t offer any help, not even groceries. I love my only sibling but I feel so disrespected and unimportant to the sibling. I’m not sure how to deal with it…tell them how I feel in a nonconfrontational way over 5 minutes then let the sibling speak over 5 minutes. Any advice?

    • TRISHA B January 23, 2018, 8:06 pm

      Yeah Why are you being soooo nice. Tell them to fuck off if they can’t treat you like a human being. Stop playing their game. Make up one of your own. And hey good luck with it. Happiness comes in all forms.

  • Delilah Gonzales January 23, 2018, 2:31 pm

    i am angry that i failed as a parent…i have a soon to be 18y/o who i have loved since the day he was born. i was more afraid when i found i was pregnant with him at 20. through the years his father has been in and out of his life because he refuses to be the adult, (isnt’t that how it always is? in all sincerity, he has tried but just cant becuase his wife won’t allow him to, they have an adopted child..
    anyhow i am angry because i failed as a parent in the fact that my kid did not come out a winner. if i am going to be honest, my kid has failed at so many things even school. i have tried to get him the help he needs, he refuses all the time. he smokes, drinks, and has no motivation whatsoever. i thought i was doing the right thing by calling the cops on him two months ago bc i thought i have a small window of opportunity left for someone(other than me,the system) to make him do something with his life. It backfired, he rebels even more and now is facing jail time. i failed because i let someone else raise him. i cant even talk to my son because it angers me so much that his life has gone to waste…
    and the sad part is that i today just voiced how i felt on this screen but not really knowing what i couldve done better. i look at my own mom and she was a crutch for myself and my brothers…i don’t want to be her. i refuse to be her. i know he has to fall in order to get up, but its the hardest thing to put a blind eye to…
    i don’t know what else to say

    • Juanita January 23, 2018, 5:29 pm

      Hi Delilah,
      I’ve been through your same experience and my heart goes out to you and your son. I’ve learned I have to forgive myself for my parenting mistakes so my son can stand on his own.
      And, I am really PISSED at this patriarchal system that has drained mothers of the needed support to raise children. That belittled HRC in the past when she said “it takes a village”…which it does.
      That has not empowered women to value themselves.
      And a lot more!!

  • E January 23, 2018, 1:01 pm

    You asked us to write what we are angry about. There is so much on a global scale. On a personal level, I dated my best friend for about a year – during that year I was given ESI injections in my back that damaged nerves in my pelvic floor and around my bladder. Depression and fear ensued. He ended up leaving me. But I just found out, by his own admission, that he was using cocaine while we were together and he knows I would never have dated him if I had known the truth about his addiction. And if I hadn’t dated him, perhaps I never would have gotten the ESI injections, because the pain started after we took a trip together. Tricky.

    • Alay'nya January 23, 2018, 1:53 pm

      Wow! Very insightful. HUGELY thought-provoking. Thank you.
      Thank you SO MUCH, because this is a hard story – to hear, and then to take in the message.
      And something else that I’m getting out of this is – how do we develop our powers of discernment so that we do NOT do the self-weakening things in the first place? Selecting bad bosses, bad boyfriends, bad friends …
      And part of this is learning to love ourselves enough so that we don’t just give ourselves up (put ourselves on the “cheap sale rack”) so easily.
      Again, many thanks.
      xoxo – A.

  • Valerie Austin January 23, 2018, 12:02 pm

    With no true care at their core, they pick us up and use us; string us along and coldly abuse us; stare and touch us inappropriately then blame us; deny their feelings and lose us.; killing our spirits and making us feel useless; our love is lost on the hopeless.
    Gas lighting and and victim blaming we should expect that. Lying and playing because the world has always let them get away with that. But we are crazy right? We are bitches when we say what’s in our line of sight? I can’t get over your idiotic sense of entitlement to my body; desire for knowledge of how my mind works, and your lust after my spirit; but alas! no true interest or investment? All just games and child’s play? Lies on top of lies on top of lies on top of lies! Your EQ is lower than Trump’s is; and interpersonal skills are nastier than dog shit!
    Why are you pissed, you say? Why do you act crazy today? Well, congratulations sir, because I’m pretty sure today on this very day, it is because of you I’m turning gay.

  • Martha January 23, 2018, 11:32 am

    I’m currently dealing with alot of anger, I’m angry that I trusted another men who only became abusive around my kids angry that I sit here in his home because I lost my job and no income. And have no place to go angry because ill have to leave soon Because its the right thing to do but I have yet to find where to go angry that I trusted knowing it wasn’t time to trust angry that I took the easy way out and thought that a man could help me deal w my newborns death. Im angry mostly with myself but after anger comes hope. And faith that theres something better instored because the force and energy my anger gives off wont let me settle. Or accept

  • . January 23, 2018, 11:23 am

    Firstly, I LOVE your emails. This anger email is by far my favorite. Why am I angry? I’m angry because my life feels like crap. Though I’m blessed beyond measures, I just feel that I’m not in control. I’m growing to hate my job, it’s not bringing in enough money, and I’m unsure of where I stand in my current relationship. I want control in my life and success. I too, want to be able to control this anger. The result of my anger, day in and out, I yell and I HATE it! It’s onlh after the damage is done, and it’s like I can’t stop it before. I feel that my daughter will grow to recent me if I don’t get ahold of this or my boyfriend will leave me. I don’t want to push people away. But with this anger, it’s going to.

  • Christine January 23, 2018, 10:49 am

    I’m angry that my life is changing. I don’t have connection from people who can really understand. I am afraid not knowing where this path will lead me. I have emotionally been breaking down and this is not like me. I fear my anger and rage. I can’t keep a lid on it anymore.
    I’m hoping the weekend course will help with connection and self direction.

  • Laurie January 23, 2018, 10:29 am

    I’m angry that my elderly parents both died. I Miss my mom so much it hurts. Added to that, my brother sold the family house and cheated me and my siblings out of our inheritance. He promised my parents that he would take care of us, but my parents didn’t put anything in writing so we have no recourse. I’m living in my motorhome out in my sister’s field. I spent 12 years taking care of my elderly parents and this is the thanks I get from my millionaire brother. I don’t know what to do with the anger. I’m going to codependents anonymous and working the steps, trying to let go of what I can’t change or control. Doing the best I can to enjoy the freedom I now have, starting a new chapter in my life. I’m grateful for what I do have.

  • karen January 23, 2018, 10:18 am

    What are you angry about? Step child
    What does your anger want you to change? Not sure understand
    Does it feel clean and compelling to turn on your anger? No, I need to learn to not HAVE to have control and look at something and just walk away. I don’t need to control in an unhealthy way, do it smart, he wants to control, use his I WILL DO IT. Then learn to have him do something for you without him realizing it. (trying to keep it clean and toned down, here)

  • karen January 23, 2018, 10:14 am

    anger. my fire pit is so fueled.

  • maggieO January 23, 2018, 10:01 am

    im pretty angry but making strides toward healing myself.

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