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Join the Movement

I waited five decades for this.

What an extraordinary week! We had Ayodele Moore officiate our sacred office blessing, at the new uptown Palace in Harlem, yesterday, followed by an extraordinary Womanly Arts Unplugged Q and A Call with nearly 1,000 women registered! And today, I stand, closet spilling everywhere, trying to decide what this courtesan will wear to the opening session of The Creation Course on Friday night. My secret delight is knowing there are women all over the country, all over the world, heading to NYC this weekend, with a similarly delicious dilemma.

All of this creation has inspired me to talk about passion with you, today. 

I sat on my first horse when I was 2, and I never fully recovered.

Sometimes we have experiences of things that we know are our nature. We can feel that these are encounters that draw us closer and closer to the divine creature that we are, closer still to the woman we were born to become.

I love everything about horses. The way they smell. Their unpredictability. The fact that they let us sit on their backs and ride them.

They are filled with contradiction:
Wild/Collaborative. Powerful/Gentle. Dangerous/Responsive.
I am desperately attracted to contradiction.

And all my life, I wanted to become one of those horsewomen who rides as naturally as she walks, who jumps over fences, and gallops over the countryside.

Growing up in the middle class suburbs of Philadelphia, I never had the opportunity to surrender to my passion. I read books about horses. Played with horse dolls. And told everyone I would be a cowgirl when I grew up.

And up I grew, having close brushes with horses now and then, but never really living my expensive out-of-reach longing. Fortunately, and wonderfully, passions don’t go away. They can’t go away – they are who we are. We can bury them. Banish them. Run from them. When we do that, nothing but suffering ensues.

But, if we are willing to yearn, perfectly, allowing the desire to burn inside of us, feeding it with the joy of simply being a human being, conscious of holding and having a passion – then the gift of that passion will light every corner of our unfolding storylines.

Sometimes this can be frustrating. Hurtful. Sad.
A girl can wonder if her train is ever coming in.
If she will ever get her spin on the dance floor.
If she will ever be the one in the saddle, rather than the spectator.

For many years, I lived on 88th Street, too broke to ever ride the horses that rode in the park on 89th Street. But I loved the sound of their hooves on the pavement. That sound would transport me to another time, another place, a part of me that was poetry and history and privilege and opportunity.
Horseless years passed. Decades, actually.

Then, a few years ago, my goddaughter, Coco, invited me to come with her to the barn, where she rode. I loved watching her. She was fearless on horseback. One day, she talked me into taking a lesson. Then, another. And another. Soon, we were going together, every weekend. We went from one teacher to another. One barn to another. One horse to another. I began to learn how to ride, and to jump, not so high or as fearlessly as she did, but I was doing it – I was finally the rider, not the spectator. The next summer, I went to visit her in England, and she took me galloping across the countryside, me hanging on for dear life, as she gracefully soared. It was amazing.

The more I rode, the more I wanted to ride. On the back of a horse, I was no one’s mother, no one’s teacher, I was Regena, raw, wild, free, child of nature.

Learning how to take control of a 1,500-pound animal, learning to steady him, calm him, and collaborate with him, changed me in ways I could not have predicted. My parenting improved – I was more willing to steer, to guide, to hold a frame, to create specific expectations. I became even more decisive and intuitive as a business owner. I could not just go with the flow- I learned to trust myself to lead, because when I was on horseback, I saw, I felt with my whole being that that was what my horse wanted and needed from me. When I was solid, he could relax. When I left it up to him, we were both lost.

If I had learned to ride one second earlier, I would have never had such valuable insights. Desires are realized in perfect timing. Trust it. {Tweet this!}

This past summer I leased a gorgeous horse called Bellagio. I love this animal. He brings his “A Game,” no matter what. He is all heart, pure love, pure service. I had the summer of my life, getting to ride him every day.

Just for fun, here’s a quick video of the two of us:

Is it embarrassing to be the oldest barn rat at the barn? Kind of. Most of the horse crazy girls are over it by the time they are out of high school. I am just getting started.

But, last week, my teacher told me something I have been longing to hear my whole life. He told me I was ready to show in a horse show.
Do you know what that means?
He thinks I am a good enough rider. To compete with other good enough riders. He thinks I have gained mastery of a sport that I have longed to become accomplished at for 5 decades.
He thinks I have a shot. Whoa. What a feeling. I am so overwhelmed and proud that I have been walking around telling everybody.
All of those years of longing, all of those years of taking the jitney to the barn to take lesson after lesson, and now I realize I can do this.

And now I have to decide if I am going to say yes and actually do it. I have to decide if I can manage the demands of showing a horse – amidst the demands of motherhood, teaching, running a company.
I have to decide if I can step over the line and actually live the fulfillment of this part of my dream, and see what the experience of actually competing in a horse show brings me.

I am on a precipice.
Which is where so many of us find ourselves, in relationship to a desire.
Is it possible to actually take our dream, and live it?
Even when it seems impossible?
Do we have the courage to step over the line?
And go for it, no matter what our age, or our ability, or our inexperience?
Will we allow our yearning to remake us into the women we were born to become?

In the comments below, let me know where you are in the unfolding adventure of your desires.

Have you held a deep unfulfilled longing inside for one, two, five or more decades, like I did?
Are you on the precipice of a part of your own greatness that you could not have ever imagined?
Are you stuck?
Do you feel like your ship will never ever come in?
Or worse – have you given up on a dream?
Do you feel like you are being pressed to go higher?
Have you navigated a similar knothole successfully?

xo,

Mama Gena's signature

p.s. I had an absolute blast taking your Q’s LIVE last night, in our culmination celebration of The Womanly Arts Unplugged. We covered a lot of ground – from men, to orgasm, to unfulfilled desires . . . all over the map and back again. We’ll be sending out the recording later today, and if you didn’t RSVP, you can still get access to the recording, right here.

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  • Amy Parrish September 27, 2014, 2:02 pm

    So, I have now sodden two Kleenex while reading your story. Your story is so similar to mine, only I had the opportunity to have a horse from 15-21. I loved riding him, taking care of him and my mothers horse too. I never complained at horse chores – it caused me to be very responsible. I grew up in the city and boarded the horses mainly. Once I became pregnant with my first child I decided that the whole horse thing had to end. I put the dream, the passion away as a childish dream. About 5 years ago I met and began dating a man who had horses – my dream – although I am no longer with him it ignited in me that passion, that desire. I am currently a horse mooch and ride when I can. More recently I read a book called “You are a Bad Ass” by Jen Sincero…I decided to dive into an 8 week group coaching experience with my goal being figuring out how I can once again be a horse owner. One of the group members sent me the link to your story. Thank you and as your horse sister here in Idaho I say go for it, go get that ribbon your are due, soak it all in – Amy

  • SG Joan Champion of Pleasure September 16, 2014, 12:04 am

    Mama Gena,
    Your riding blog brought back happy memories of trail rides in Dutchess County, jumping over fallen trees and navigating small streams, of lessons at the Clermont as a child on a big horse named Roughneck and how he once ran away with me and I loved it. I am fondly remembering riding in Van Cortlandt Park, and on any pony that showed up anywhere. These memories make me so happy. I have not been riding in years, but seeing the video of you and your horse has planted a new desire seed for me. I desire to ride again. So, thank you for reminding me of a deep pleasure I have been neglecting.
    I have so many desires right now and I am putting them forth daily. I feel as if I am on a precipice of deep creativity in all my talent fields– photography, writing and holistic health/healing. I brag that I have many gifts to share. I desire to get my gifts and talents out into the world more fully than ever before. I am grateful to you and the SWA for your inspiration and encouragement. I think you should enter the show. Why not? You can do it.

  • SG Purring Delight September 13, 2014, 8:52 pm

    My favorite frame is the sound…the sound of the horse, the breathing, the hoofs hitting the ground in the gallop, landing the jumps. I rode horses everyday in my 20.

    but my life long dream his a love / partnership/ relation with a wonderful man.

    and reading your blog about timing made my evening.

    I am getting ripe for this NOW at 50. I had much healing to do before.
    I went to a friend, I hadn’t seen in 20 years last w-e. Met her husband. Stayed at her place for 2 days. The energy of respect, love and flow between the 2 of them is what I envision for me. And it is that same energy of unity I see in this video of you and your horse. All telling me no worry. No hurry. Your on the perfect track girl. For that I am grateful.

    and no wonder your teacher says you are ready for competition !

    Harmony. Thanks for this Mama.

  • Jade September 12, 2014, 4:10 pm

    I read your blog and I am emotionally fueled right now. That old 70’s song WildFire, still makes me cry. In my 30’s I finally had my dream come true, my wild painted pony and I connected when he was 6 months old. Today in my late forties, actually TODAY, I sat at my computer and tried to email everyone I know, that may be able to give him a home, I had to sell our ranch and I had a baby 3 yrs ago. Apache and I have been together for about 16 yrs and he is my LOVE, my guy, my peaceful joyful kindred soul and not being able to have him is a true heartbreak. After reading Gena’s story, I say I “Universe, send me the best scenario for us both* Maybe we can stay connected and a family, maybe we can not, but I leave it up to the universe now to create our BEST direction. I used to ride with other people and I would wear the typical cloths, and down play myself. When my fellow riders would leave, I would put on my ripped jeans and adorn myself in my tribal gear, feathers and fringe for us both! And we would ride like the wind,,,,,,,Never play small for anyone, I learned that in the last few years, feathers and fringe flying! Walk in YOUR Beauty Always!

  • SG Our Lady of Fierce Boundaries - formerly Alexandra Pearl September 11, 2014, 12:34 am

    Regena, I appreciated your story more than you could ever know. I was a huge musical theater buff and as a teenager was selected to be in a semi professional musical theater workshop. I desired so strongly to sing, dance and act. But I was given messages that my singing and dancing weren’t good enough to pursue it as a career. Although I no longer desire to pursue musical theater, as an adult I have pursued partner dancing because I always wanted to do it even though I wasn’t encouraged. After five years of learning to swing dance, and watching several younger people with less experience surpass me, I finally was selected to be in the advanced track at a dance camp. This was such a big deal. I completely understand what a big deal it is to finally be “in a show.” Congratulations to you, and I am so inspired by your post to keep going and to keep my creative desires alive. xxoo

  • Sherie Wright September 10, 2014, 7:20 pm

    Lovely story. What I wonder is if you’ve reached the spot where the experience itself is currently good enough? If being told you are ready and good enough is where the nurturing thrill is hanging out? Would competing and showing the horse NOW be satisfying the same yearning as it would have long ago, or is the experience of being with horse satisfying the yearning part? I too, am 50 years into some of my dreams, and I realize that I’ve been holding them close because I’ve always held them, but I am not sure they fit any more. I am surprised when I’ve discovered that only a certain part is necessary any more, and the whole package was more about a certain age, or a time and place. I am recently surveying the satisfaction levels of my dreamings. Which is what you say when you write about some parts of our dreams ARE our nature, our wild and free selves. That is what I want to discern. What part of the passion and dream about the me of me, and what part is about the habit of me? How do I tell, truly, the difference?

    • nathan September 11, 2014, 11:47 am

      my wife, liyana had this experience as a professional modern dancer. dance was her identity … movement, performance, beauty … but as she aged and reached the top of her career at the MET, she started to realize it was sustainable. it was a heart wrenching few years to break it apart and realize she could keep dance in her life through class, keep movement in her life via dancing and movement and exercise (like 5 Rythms and Sweat Your Prayer dance gatherings, etc. … and that actually she hated the community of dance (the obsession on weight and being skinny, the backstabbing, the cattyness). that actually upgrading her personal community through changing work was freeing … and so ultimately she ended up in a better situation, even though it felt as she went through it that she was “surrendering ” her dream and it was heart breaking.

      discerning what was the essence of it for her, its most valuable parts – that was what let her get to the win-win.

      thanks for your share!

  • diva leni September 10, 2014, 6:35 pm

    I was tempted to cry so many times reading these posts. The joy of finding oneself and the sorrow of unfulfilled dreams, living in the not-knowing of what to dream of.

    My dream has been to live in Europe, especially France, for 3 months. I know I was French in one of my former lives. Spent 8 years studying French some 50 years ago, most of it is gone and I have made sporadic attempts to relearn what I have forgotten.

    Now I have decided it’s time. I am making plans to stay in Nice in April of next year, rent a room in someone’s apartment or house, and wander around the fabled art galleries of France, drinking decaf and eating pastries. No wine for me. It disturbs my sleep. I hope to stay a full 3 months, not all in Nice, and imagine I am 22 again, when I first visited Paris.

    I think about it almost every day. I see myself sitting in cafes, shopping for jewelry and walking, walking.

  • Stephanie September 10, 2014, 5:57 pm

    My dreams were crystal clear to me as a child. I wanted to sing, dance, act, and write, and nothing else would do. Unfortunately my confidence was shattered early on and I’ve still never fully recovered. Any attempts I made toward pursuing my dreams just resulted in fear, anxiety, and retreat until I gave up altogether. I had accepted that living my dreams just wasn’t going to happen, and then last year the life I had settled for imploded. The career I worked hard for but hated disappeared overnight and destroyed me financially. Didn’t help that it happened at the same time my husband had a bad car accident and had to have surgery (without insurance). Suffice to say the last 18 months have been rough, and I’ve lost just about everything I valued. But the beautiful part is once everything began crumbling around me I could no longer quiet the voice inside demanding to be heard after so many years of neglect. I can’t say I’m living my dream right now or that I’m close to doing so, but all year I’ve taken steps toward being the person I want to be, even when it’s been very challenging (pole dancing classes, burlesque classes and one performance under my belt, taking boudoir pictures, started a blog), and at last I’m beginning to have moments of satisfaction just from allowing myself the freedom to pursue the things that bring me joy. It took about 12 miserable years to start trying again, but even if the road’s been a difficult one, I’m glad I’m here now.

  • Kate September 10, 2014, 3:51 pm

    I find myself stuck, Mama. For the last four years, I’ve been attempting to write. I’ve read historical romance all my life, and decided then that I wanted to write them. I’ve been working on the same book all this time, and though I’ve made huge progress in terms of learning the craft and understanding the business, I am no closer to actually finishing the book.

    I wonder–if it is THIS hard to finish it, perhaps I’m on the wrong path? I feel like giving up. I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle. Every time I make time to write, something else gets in the way. The rest of the time, the demands of being a parent and working full time leave little room for anything else.

    What do I do?

  • SG Carolyn September 10, 2014, 6:01 am

    You have fallen into a vein of richness. I think this what they used to call The Zone. I am happy for you. I look for guidance. What brought you there? You had a Godchild who was a link. Truly a “god”child. Passion + link equals opportunity.

    I have spent 6 decades learning, preparing, seeking, and sucking up knowledge through education and experience. I have run through psychology, law, writing, painting, sculpture, religion, travel, investing. I am in the process of geopolitics, economics, Pomeranians, Real estate. I am everywhere and no where. I have years of being lost in my cavern, with no plan, no mission, just studying one thing and then another. My desires collide with one another. It is easier to read than go out. It is easier to lounge horizontally while reading than sit upright. It is more comfortable to wear non binding clothes than those with waist bands. It is easier to read about things than do them. My in box brings me courses from Stanford and Yale. Physics, yes. Cooking, yes. Chemistry, yes. Meditation, yes. The local art school teaches encaustics, raku, jewelry making, film, oil painting, print making. I am reading Neitsche. I read him 30 years ago, but forgot. There are so many more to read. Should I reread or begin anew. The pile of books by my bed grows. I sign petitions. I write to my senators. Shall I have a party? Should I get a job? I will take the real estate exam. Or maybe I should just take the bar exam? I should do something: write a book, stop the injustices in the world, help people, make art. I’d like to take voice lessons, sing and wow, would it be great to be an athlete to spend hours at the gym whipping my flab into shape. And of course, I should run for political office too. Scattered, shattered, absorbed, I have the sense it is all slipping away and I haven’t found the link, the godchild has not knocked on my door.

    Thank you for being a light and for riding the current that lifts you so brilliantly.

  • Tiiu September 10, 2014, 5:43 am

    How wonderfully timely! My daughter is a “barn rat” 🙂 and I enjoy giving her the opportunity. She loves horses, she loves riding them and being with them and jumping and being out in the open and getting to k n o w how a horse feels and thinks. I got so much from your post! I am there to help her to be the happiest, most fulfilled woman she can be, fearless, curious and creative! Thank you for sharing how this feels!

  • Mirella Love September 10, 2014, 2:33 am

    Dancing is my passion. ( but no one knows… because I don’t do it). I am dancing naked in the mornings and I love the sensuality, getting in my body, becoming woman.
    I live in a yoga center, but if someone asks me if I do yoga, everything in me screams; I’m not doing yoga; I AM A DANCER. I AM A DANCER.

    When I was 27, I got M.E ( chronic fatique syndrome) which made me needed to use a wheelchair for about 4 years. The first thing I did when I started to feel better; dance. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom, but dancing was possible. When I got better (Never recovered 100%) I went to the most famous dance school in Amsterdam, where I lived, and took a evening recreation class in show-musical ballet. There I was, beginning 30, overweight and in bad shape…. but I loved it. I was running to and from class, for a whole year.. till I moved away.
    Now, age 43 I’m so out of shape, my body is super stiff and 30 pounds overweight and am postponing to start dancing again. Something is holding me back.
    BUT I took some baby steps. Last month I bought and Ipod Nano and an armband, dancing shoes and knee protectors, and they disappeared on the shoe rack. This week I took them out and put them on my holy cupboard in my Goddess space, next to Goddess Kali and some candles. I see them everyday.

    Today is the day…. I will dance today! Thanks for the post Mama Gena. I got up at 1.30 AM last night and listened to the call. I called in 10 minutes early and decided to dance to the music… it was wonderful, I imagined dancing with women over the world. Went to bed at 3.30AM and can’t wait to download the recording, and listen for to the last part.

    SG Mirella Love Dancing

    • SG Candy September 10, 2014, 10:22 am

      Oh My Goddess, SG Mirella Love!
      You are a born dancer, and the world will be waiting for you to dance into it and into yourself…all in perfect timing. 🙂

      I have had chronic fatigue too, pretty bad for a couple of years, but never in a wheelchair. Wow. Isn’t it amazing how dance can overcome all other limitations when you give yourself over to it? It’s like refueling your pussy battery with kinetic energy!

      I think I will go to our local drum jam tonight. Had been thinking of skipping it, but this helps me remember what I need to do!

      How about music? Buying a new song or two always gets me to shake my thing when I think I have more important stuff to do.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

      Seriously, if anybody can listen/watch this and NOT want to dance…

  • SG Marci September 10, 2014, 1:30 am

    Wow, beautiful footage. I have to say that I grew up on ranch, with lots of horses, and I think you are 100 times better rider than I am! You look like such a natural on a horse.

    My passion has always been the river. I swam in the river every day as a kid, it was part of my soul, and every time I spent time around any kind of wild river, pond or stream, it would energize me.

    Two years ago, I think I was the oldest person to compete in the US Olympic slalom kayak team trials held at Charlotte, NC. Oh, I knew I wouldn’t win, but overcoming the fear of that raging river, and risking myself to even be on the same playing field at the level of skill and competition took every ounce of courage in my body. I just wanted to finish the race. I learned so much by failing. I returned a year later and went to a kayak camp there. Was very much beat up in the process, but improved a ton on that same stretch of whitewater. I still want to compete there one more time. I would like to master that piece of whitewater to the best of my skill level.

    I may not win any medals, but I have so much respect from fellow athletes! Most of them have no idea what my age is, so I find that really entertaining. I love the energy of rivers, the light, the adventure, and find that they are much like life. Sometimes you have to give it your all to push through things, and sometimes you have to be patient and wait for the fast water. It’s useless to fight against the current, and you have to work with the water. When everything is timed just right and you hit the perfect line its effortless and magical. Sometimes its dumb luck, and sometimes its all those previous lessons that helped you choose that line. Sometimes you get banged up and are humiliated when you don’t respect its power, sometimes you are humbled by its beauty. Every river is constantly changing, like life, and its always an adventure.

  • Momo September 9, 2014, 7:13 pm

    This blog reached me in perfect timing.

    As a lifelong hunter/jumper rider, I find myself at a crossroads, where just in the last 24 hours I have contemplated giving up on my riding dreams. My horse had a suspensory injury last year, which means we had to sit the year out of competition and riding while I cared for his injury, which the vet said to expect to take about a year to heal and rehab. I patiently went through this process, a year later, only to be told yesterday that my horse will not be able to make a comeback, and will probably need to be given away if I wish to continue my riding.

    Now I am faced with an awful choice… give away my beloved horse in order to be able to find a new horse to continue my riding, or else keep him and have to give up the actual riding because of his injury. As you know, horses cost a lot to maintain, so financially I can afford to support one horse only, which means I have to choose.

    Mama Gena, I am torn between my desire to keep riding and guilt at the thought of having to rehome my horse just because he can’t do his job anymore. It’s heartbreaking, and I was thinking of quitting riding because it feels so awful to have to choose between two bad choices.

    Anyway, your blog spoke to me, because I can relate to your love of horses, riding, and jumping. It’s my life!

  • T. L. Cooper September 9, 2014, 4:00 pm

    I seem to have a tendency to ignore the actual questions in your blog posts because something else entirely speaks to me… And, I am doing that once again. I, too, am fascinated by contradictions! For me contradictions are what make us real and unique and interesting…
    Now, to your riding! I say go for it. Do the show. Compete even if you only do it once. I love horses. I’ve never shown horses, but I know several people who have. None of them ever regret it and always talk about it with such longing and intense joy even after they quit showing.

  • Ti Sugarbitch September 9, 2014, 3:59 pm

    Go, Mama, go! Cross rails freak me out and you two took it so easily.

    Honestly, my dream is to collaborate with other artists on art pieces, work at a “regular” job part-time, and be able to afford my apartment. During most of my twenties, I worked part-time and spent the rest of the time reading, writing, daydreaming, learning, singing in a band, writing songs, and being my fascinated-with-the-world self in the city that I love. (I moved back to it a few years ago.) I would love to have time to do that AND have the nerdy satisfaction of bringing order to an office. As a very little girl, I sometimes swapped my ever-present jean overalls for a skirt and nice shirt and went around neatening up the playroom and ringing stuff up on the cash register and “working”. My mom was a homemaker, so this was a part of me not modeled on anything I saw. The rest of the time, I daydreamed and sang. I have a deep desire to be that oddly organized deep daydreaming singer again. But this time, I’d like to be able to pay rent without having roommates. (A dream many of us in awesome cities have, I imagine.)

    Thank you for modeling keeping the faith in DESIRE.

    • Diane September 10, 2014, 2:45 pm

      SG Ti Sugarbitch
      I also love the beauty of organization! Bringing order to the day is such a lovely gift to give myself and to share with others. I so enjoyed your desire to “be the oddly organized deep daydreaming singer again”.
      SG Diane

  • Deborah Smith aka SG Wicked September 9, 2014, 2:57 pm

    Dear MG,
    Last night’s call was (of course) right on track for where I am: feeling stuck, unsure of how to navigate forward, having trouble owning that this is exactly where I belong. Thank you. I found clarity in all this around the necessity of creating Eden for ME first. And I loved the strong reminder to root myself deep in my SG community.

    As Lauren may have shared with you, I had thought I would be one of your Creatistas this year. The juiciness of SG High Heeled Queen’s wedding and a work partner combating cancer are filling my dance card. So next year will be my year for Creation.

    So cool on your making it to horse show level! Rock away on that lovely beast.

    xoxoxo

  • Kate Midwest September 9, 2014, 2:55 pm

    I just decided to apply to grad school to continue my passion as a dance teacher! I have been focusing less on dance in the past few years to work on other life goals – personal healing for a hip injury, marrying a truly good man, and becoming a mother – I have a one year old who is pure joy. This summer I’ve been really down, feeling disconnected from my deeper self and recognizing the need to be who I am more authentically. I need to dance, move, and teach! I’m prepared to find the way to be myself as well as the wife and mother I also dreamed to be. Work in progress…with pizzaz! Thanks Mama Gena!

    • SG Candy September 10, 2014, 10:15 am

      Shake it, Sister Goddess Kate!

      xoxoxo

  • SG Maistresse Fierce Lioness September 9, 2014, 2:44 pm

    Mama Gena, you are so HOT! Yes. Sooooo hot, hot, hot!!!!!!!!

    There are so many juicy favorite frames in your post, but this one resonated with me the most. “I learned to trust myself to lead, because when I was on horseback, I saw, I felt with my whole being that that was what my horse wanted and needed from me.” And all the while you are writing about horses, I am reading men.

    I am right on the pulse in the unfolding adventure of my desires. I am, humbly, on a beginners trekking path. I play with two buxom horses. They are uniquely wonderful in their spirits. I have held a deep unfulfilled longing inside, since I was a curious and observant kid in Japan, and I held my desire to feel that certain way, for decades, like you. My ship is already coming for me, I simply need to walk to the shore. Oh Goddess, yes, I most certainly feel like I am being pressed to go higher and even higher. Never have I navigated such a knothole, period. And yet I feel assured and supported to have fun in my pleasures, because of community receiving me and witnessing me and reflecting back to me the magic I am creating. Even though my “realistic” and “logical” thinking brain tells me that the climb is steep with no end in sight, I smile, and say “Thank you Goddess” and PRACTICE staying in my pleasure no matter what. I surrender to the process of life.

  • Esther Fink September 9, 2014, 1:26 pm

    FF “On the back of a horse, I was no one’s mother, no one’s teacher, I was Regena, raw, wild, free, child of nature.”
    WOW. This is what I long to feel…to be Esther. No one’s anything for a speck of time.

  • Eva Avenue September 9, 2014, 12:27 pm

    “Horseless years passed” is the funniest touching sentence 😀

  • SG Ninna September 9, 2014, 12:15 pm

    First, congratulations!!! I really enjoyed watching your video! LOVE!

    Second, I completely feel like I’m on the precipice this week!!! I’m prepping to launch my website under my own name (and not hiding behind a company name) AND going for round 2 of Creation! I brag I continue to up-level what it means to be seen. 🙂

    Lastly, I’m with you on finding something sexy to wear for this weekend!

    xoxo

    • Laura Jacobs September 9, 2014, 9:53 pm

      I can’t wait to see you this weekend I have some very special pics of you from Paris

      I feel so much gratitude to be able to do creation twice

  • SG Pu-rekini Alison September 9, 2014, 11:53 am

    Mama! Congrats to you for holding on to your dream and going for it. I loved the video–You in the flesh doing what you love. Us 57-year-old somethings ROCK!!! XOXO

  • SG Juicy Jenna September 9, 2014, 11:46 am

    Mama Gena, I got teary reading this one. Of course it’s easy for me to think of you as always on and powerful and getting what you want. I appreciate hearing about aspects of your life where you longed for something and are now getting it. I especially loved when your teacher said you’re good enough to show.

    For years and years I had a huge desire to make art, take art classes, go to art retreats but I told myself I couldn’t afford it. At the time, I couldn’t afford $1000+ retreats in foregin countries. Now I know I can’t afford to not go do it.

    Then I was introduced to Mama Gena’s SWA and the tools, importance of desires and pleasure. I slowly began saying yes to what I really wanted and started signing up for classes in town, in Canada, in Mexico, New Mexico, and my life changed. I started to satisfy a longing inside me that fed some other part of me not related to being an artist.
    A confession here is that I wanted to do art and have creative free time to travel and do these retreats more than I wanted a child. I now know that because I hadn’t fulfilled my enormous creative desires, I was constipated so to speak. I eventually wanted to have children and couldn’t. Just this morning before reading your post I actually had the thought I want a child more now than I want to go to art retreats. Inside me because I know I have explored art AND WILL CONTINUE TO EXPLORE ART. I know I can be a mama who gets to do both. It’s not an either or kind of life thanks to you and the SWA. Thank you for showing me the way leaning into pleasure and “frivolous” things I want is actually medicine, power, and so not frivolous.

    • Ti Sugarbitch September 9, 2014, 3:38 pm

      Woo-hoo! I love that you’re feeding your artist self. A hungry self is not helpful when you’re parenting. Go, JJ, go!

  • Marcy September 9, 2014, 11:45 am

    In 2006 when I had a very well paying but soul-sucking job, I drove by a pasture of horses and was compelled to stop, get out of my car, and join the herd. I sat for hours with them crying and laughing. I knew I needed to return to horses. Horses had been a big part of my life until I went away to university. The next day I signed up for riding lessons and that one move led me leaving the job that was killing me and embrace the artist within.

    Now, I’m a self-taught equine artist. Late last year, I started doing portraits of my horses and found myself always telling a story when I shared them with friends. On Facebook, I asked a friend if I could paint her horse. I did a close-up of her mare’s eye. When I shared it with her, she told me a moving story about her mare being there for her when she was going through a rough breakup.

    Horses hold a sacred space for us when we most need it. I love sharing the stories behind the horses. In March, I started a project called Horses of Us. I see my art as the horse’s expression and the story as the horse lover’s voice.

  • cristina September 9, 2014, 11:40 am

    Mama Gena I love this blog. I didn’t know your horseriding had started so relatively recently! I thought you’d been doing it forever 🙂 Congrats on the horse show invite!!! I brag I followed a desire to become a figure skater when I was in 8th grade and became and “old” beginner compared to the other girls my age who had been skating since they were 4 and were working on their double axels as I learned to do my single revolutions jumps and competed against only one or two other same age girls who were at my level, in regional competitions. This is the earliest memory I have of really following a desire. Then, I did it again. I started medical school 5 years after finishing college, again, on the older side. Now, I am standing on the precipice of motherhood, literally expecting my baby boy any day now. As you know, this is something I have desired my whole life. I never thought it would come within weeks of my 40th bday – I always assumed I’d have many babies and be married starting in my 20s!! Life has unfolded oh so differently than I expected, but I think it has been perfect.

    Ever since I sat in a performance of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony during my senior year of college, I have had a deep, deep desire to play the cello. It is the most beautiful, soulful, body trip instrument. This may be something that has to wait until i’m 50 or older, but i so desire it. In the meantime, maybe the guitar would be fun too 🙂

    I desire also, hopefully sooner, a house to live in or at least vacation in. I love living in NYC but desire I house and not an apartment. So it shall be.

    Thanks for the inspiration, it was wonderful to hear your voice and be in the energy of this community again, on the call last night. xoxo

    SG Conjuring Courtesan Cristina

  • SG Candy September 9, 2014, 11:35 am

    Congratulations, Mama Gena, on all these swirling vortexes of creative energy in your life! I can feel the life force building up in me as I read this. It’s nudging me toward my most primal and intuitive desire: DANCING. You said, “On the back of a horse, I was no one’s mother, no one’s teacher, I was Regena, raw, wild, free, child of nature.” That’s exactly how I feel when I’m dancing.

    I love dancing so much, and feel it so strongly inside me, that if I watch a beautiful dance performance, it physically hurts my stomach to be on the “outside” of that experience, and I start to cry. Pretty clear physical message. 🙂

    For so long, I thought that my love for dancing was a silly or immature interest, maybe just a regret about not pursuing it further when I was young. But over the past year, I’ve slowly started admitting to myself and others that when I’m dancing I feel most alive. And now it feels like a legitimate birthright that I must honor whenever I can. Oh, and I love how now that I’m almost 40, I am free from having to squish my desire to dance into the mainstream “framework” (make it a career, stress out about auditions, etc.). I will do it for my own fun and on my own terms!

    Thank you for the reminder about perfect timing for our desires. I am so curious to see where all of our passions will lead us…surely to fabulous and unforeseeable adventures!

    • Mirella Love September 10, 2014, 2:35 am

      I totally relate to your post!!!! Especially the hurt to see others dance and not be part of it.

      One day soon we’ll dance together 🙂

      XXX
      SG Dancing Mirella Love

      • SG Candy September 10, 2014, 10:14 am

        Yes yes yes, SG Dancing Mirella Love, we will dance together soon!

        xoxoxo SG Candy, a.k.a. Dancing Queen! 😀

  • Crystal philippi September 9, 2014, 10:46 am

    I have always wanted to be with and to help animals. When I was a teenager I also found my love for music. I went to college for music but my love for animals has never left me. Now I am a performer (mostly unemployed) with 2 degrees in operatic performance but I still long for that connection with animals. I used to dog walk a dog and that was kinda hitting the spot but then my sister influenced me to start doing something that will give me more security in the future (9-5 job with benefits and 401k sort of thing.) So, since I have a masters in music, I’ve been interviewing at charter schools to try on my teaching shoes so that I can see if they are a good fit. Perhaps I will like teaching and maybe have an opportunity to work for a charter school that has a great retirement plan, like my sister has, but honestly, playing it safe like that seems boring. My spirit is more adventurous and free than my sister’s and it just know that her job wouldn’t make me happy. (Although she makes 90k/year in hawaii!) If I was living my little girl dream, I would ride a horse too! I would be more active as a performer, doing benefits for animal charities, I would have a house in the country with chickens and a garden, I would travel frequently to new cities all over the world to perform. Teaching, although I’m good at it, has never been something that I feel called to do. I feel like a little girl throwing a tantrum: I want to perform! I want to perform now! I want it now! And my big girl is trying to figure out where my talents fit into my community in the larger picture of reality. They seem to be pulling in opposite directions!

  • Magical September 9, 2014, 10:41 am

    Mama Gena, i forgot to say how great you look on that horse, completely there with him and i am looking forward to read what fabulousness will come out of this opportunity. Thanks for sharing…

  • Joan E Karg September 9, 2014, 10:39 am

    I have been horse crazy all of my life, and even managed gto have a farm and horses for about 20 years. But my passion was a dual thing. Ever since I was 16 and my little brother got into trouble with the police and went to the detention home and then residential institution, I have wanted to be a counselor for at risk kids and adults who carry theses wounds from the childhood. Dysfunctional families produce distorted ideas in the minds of children and those ideas about men, women, life values and love are carried with us into adult years and affect our decision making, and mostly we don’t get the life we want. That is what happened to me. I had 5 children, stayed with the man I married, even though he was cheating. For me it was more important to raise my children and put good morals and values in their lives. They never knew about the cheating. I don’t believe that children should be involved in grown ups relationship.

    When my youngest two were in high school and middle school, I got my GED (55 yrs). That was 2000. Then I started my undergrad in 2003(57). finished it in 2007. I began my graduate work in the fall of that same year and graduated with my MA in Clinical Counseling in 2011 (65 yrs). Now I am putting together my practice ,using horses.

    Horses are predictable creatures, very much creatures of habit. My horses got me through many rough times. They are intuitive animals and because they are pray animals they are extremely aware and observant. Every horse in the herd has a specific place and function, they operate as a family cooperating with one another. They are very clear in communication with one another and with humans, if one understands horse language which involves ear, head and body movement. There is a great deal of research on the web about using horses in counseling if one wants to check it out.

    I am healthy and active and believe that hopes and dreams and the desire to “make it happen” keeps me young. My kids are happy in their marriages and lives and Now I am fulfilling my dream.

    Joann

    • SG Juicy Jenna September 9, 2014, 11:35 am

      Such a great story of doing what you dreamed of later in age, but at the perfect time. Your clients are lucky to have you arriving with all you know.

    • SG Candy September 9, 2014, 11:40 am

      Wow. What an amazing combination of your passions and experience and skills.

      I agree with Mama Gena, that women are the greatest untapped resource! The coolest thing is that we never lose our drive, and most women I know have so much more to offer as we get past our 20’s, 30’s, “the productive years”.

      • SG Purring Delight September 13, 2014, 8:33 pm

        Impressive I wish you all the best success in your venture as a fully mature woman. How inspiring you are !!

  • lollisogreen September 9, 2014, 10:36 am

    Wow, thanks for this story Mama Gena. This was really touching. One of my favorite posts ever! It also brought up for me that I wish I was this clear on what I want. I seem to be in a confused daze lately, thinking I want to pursue this thing, then thinking no I want to pursue this other thing. I’ve been following your work for quite some time and often ask myself what my desires are, but am not really feeling like I can hone in on anything enough to actually long for it, let alone achieve it. It’s strange that something that should be so basic and obvious, knowing what you want or long for, can be confusing… eeek! What a great post though, it is lovely to see you go after your long held dream. xoxo

  • Barbara J. Simon September 9, 2014, 10:31 am

    So many of my singing students surpass me. Just this year, one got his Equity card, one released his second rock album, another released her first singer / songwriter album, another has a YouTube video with over 25,000 views. A reviewer said one of my students’ recordings is ready for some major airplay. And I just found out that a student of mine from a decade ago has released over 20 recordings, 7 of which were with a Grammy-winning producer. Everybody has songs on iTunes – except me.

    I’ve toyed with the idea of recording myself, but have never had a project come together that seemed worth the time and money. Until now. I think I have found the right collaborating musician, and genre of music. It think that what I have in mind would be an original take on familiar music. I think I could bring it in on a reasonable budget, and release it on iTunes in a way that would be personally satisfying and worthwhile to my singing studio business. I think . . . I’ve toyed, I’ve found, I have in mind – those are the the wrong words.

    I DESIRE! I desire this! I desire major airplay for me! I desire a YouTube video of my music that goes viral! Desire great reviews for myself, not just my students! I desire a major motion picture to pick up my recording and use it under their opening credits! I desire a windfall of money from my own music!

    Sister Goddess Barbara – the Recording Artist
    http://www.BJSimon.com

    • Gail September 9, 2014, 11:14 am

      It is beautiful how you shifted to a place of power. You are living your dream.

    • SG Juicy Jenna September 9, 2014, 11:34 am

      Woot woot! Sing away and make that recording of you.

    • SG Candy September 9, 2014, 11:36 am

      Just checked out your website. Great picture of you, and lots of space for you to put links to your voice recordings front and center!

    • djanira September 10, 2014, 8:49 am

      So it shall be and even better SG Barbara!!

      • SG Purring Delight September 13, 2014, 8:31 pm

        YESSSS!!! so shall it be or even better SG Barbara!

  • Magical September 9, 2014, 9:34 am

    Many years ago I discovered the desire in me of wanting to live in nature. We just bought a place… in the forest but in a different country. It feels like this is indeed the place we can bring all/many of our dreams into being. But i am scared too, it means to move to a different country, once the place is redone… and as for redoing : big wishes small budget. Can we pull it of? And how about our son, who needs wheel chairs, therapy stuff, diapers, and such. Can I, with my man, grow to fit into this huge dream, and live it? Together with our son? Make it not only work, but create a fabulous new life for the three of us? Even in 3 feet snow? The little voice that says, yes ! yes! can barely be heard….

    • SG Juicy Jenna September 9, 2014, 11:32 am

      Wow, this is so inspiring to hear your dream. And I love the part about growing into the dream with your husband and son. YES!