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Why are you so “nice”?

Darling,

Okay, so here you are, in bed with your new guy for the first time. He starts to kiss you in a way that makes you feel like he is a bull and you are a salt lick.
But.
You really like him.
So, you say nothing, you just kind of try to hope that one day it improves.
Or:
Your partner continues to drink too much and get too loud at parties. You are utterly humiliated, but you weakly agree to drive home and say nothing. Again.
Or:
The gal you live with is a pack rat, and your apartment is gradually looking more and more like an overcrowded storage unit. But you don’t want to risk losing the relationship, so you hold your tongue.

I was so inspired by the outpouring of responses on my recent “Does your truth hurt?” blog that I wanted to go a little deeper with you this week.

Do you ever wonder, why do women make these choices?
They are being “nice.”
Nice.
“If I tell him the truth, I might hurt his feelings.”
“If I tell her the truth, she might leave me.”
“If I tell her the truth, she will get mad at me.”

So, instead of saying the truth, I am going to be nice.

Nice.
Why has that word turned my eternal stomach since the dawn of time?
The Latin root of the word is nescius, meaning ignorant. Interesting, huh?
Girls: sugar and spice and everything nice.

Be nice.
Look nice.
Act nice.

Yuch.

This is why women consistently, consistently, consistently fail to speak up.
Consistently.
And it is not that we are actually ignorant. Or we do not know. Women make a deliberate decision to dumb down. And sit on their truth.
They act nice, instead of speaking up and speaking out with their exciting, amazing, elevating, educative points of view.

And this failure is a not kidding no kidding problem.
It has led to a world run amuck.
With intolerable, inexcusable behavior.

I see this nice problem everywhere. Nice is silence. Nice is holding your tongue when you are hurt or offended.
Women—universally and habitually—sit on their truth.
My younger Sisters feel unable to call out the guys they date for bad behavior, because they want to be popular. Other women hold back in order to please their partners, or simply because they have never really learned how to stand for their own perspectives. When I was in Tanzania last month, talking to the teachers at the Kaloleni school, the biggest problem they faced was feeling unable to speak their truth to their men.
They told me that most of the guys drink too much, they don’t contribute to the household, and the women are left supporting their families. And women are afraid of speaking up, because they are afraid their men will leave them.
Sisters. We can do better.

Let’s talk Todd Akin. Politics aside, for a moment: Where was his wife, Lulli? She is a homeschooler. She could have clued him in before she sent him out stumping. And where was his mother? Teaching him to understand, honor and respect a woman’s body? (Lulli, call me. Woman’s truth is bipartisan.)

If women would give up being “nice” and toss in a huge dose of truth, everything would change.
Actually, truth is waaaaaay more nice than ignorance.
When a woman risks her truth, the world around her recalibrates and everything is elevated.

This is why I am so very excited to jump in and begin Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp next week.
The only way to disconnect a woman from “nice” and connect her with her truth, is through plugging her into The Womanly Arts. The Power of Pleasure is what frees a woman to go for what she wants, speak her truths, and stand for herself and her desires. Nothing else does. Nothing. Not ever.  Wanna see it for yourself? Check out my latest video here.

What you have been longing for most is always the last place you look, isn’t it?

Who knew that the discipline of pleasure could connect a woman to her core fire in a way that nothing else can?
I cannot wait to start unlocking and unblocking the truth with my Boot Campers.
I am so grateful to those of you who are joining me in VPBC. Living truth is high risk.

I want to know, where in your world are you longing to spill your deepest truth right now?
And what would you say?
Is it with your partner?
Your kids?
Your work?
Boss?
Co-workers?
Your family?
Friends?
What would you say to the world at large?
How could your perspectives elevate everyone around you?
What do you see that no one else seems to notice?
Let it rip, Sisters…it’s time.

With so much love and pleasure,
Mama Gena

P.S. Feel like detonating a truth bomb with me? The troops dispatch for Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp in just ten days! If you want in on the action, enroll online here or call The Palace at 212-787-2411 x1.

This event already happened. Check out Virtual Pleasure Bootcamp.

Photo: lizlinder.com

 

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60 Comments / Leave a Comment

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  • Mo August 14, 2013, 8:30 pm

    I’d tell my boyfriend’s mother to mind effing business & get a man of her own. Then maybe she wouldn’t be so damn miserable!! I googled the Spring cleaning exercise but this is what I must’ve needed to read. Thank you.

  • Martha September 9, 2012, 6:57 am

    Gorgeous truth.

  • Gypsy Lee September 1, 2012, 8:37 am

    I am white African chocolate
    brought up to be nice, look nice, say nice, act nice
    learnt to kick and punch
    like a man
    time to stop being so nice
    and then
    to shimmy like a woman
    beautiful and not nice
    still lots to learn
    and takes time
    but speak up
    for all our sakes
    and our children’s sakes
    “I am woman, hear me ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

  • conjurernyc September 1, 2012, 4:43 am

    I’ve learned in the past three years that being ‘nice’ in the long run is not nice.
    For over 40 years I was the ‘yes’ and ‘nice’ girl….
    But no more, I now realize how angry and frustrated I am, and if I just go along with it, and am nice, it totally backfires…I am enraged, I hate myself and everyone else..
    I also realized no one wants to be around a miserable angry person.
    Plus I’ve realized, I have about 20 years or so left and I want to make the most of it..
    I choose to Rock On to My Own Drum..

  • Vulvanica September 1, 2012, 2:17 am

    Ooooof! I love this post. So relate. Little Cuban-American girl: Be nice! Look nice! Act nice! Shit, just the memory of it makes me want to rip off my clothes, mess up my hair and run amok naked through the street, roaring primal-ly and rebelliously. I refused to wear earrings earlier in my life as an act of rebellion against the “look nice” thing.

    In my experience, when I set my truth free, I set my little world free. My friends, my partner, my family, and most importantly, myself.

    When I contain it, I rob everyone, especially myself, of the expression of my light-bringing genius.

    So. These days, I am setting it free more and more. As it turns out, my truth-speaking is delightfully fueled by anger! Anger that the world has temporarily forgotten to see woman with reverence.

    Most powerful thing I can do? Speak the truth to myself. It’s mega powerful, because that connection to my own inner voice helps me project my voice out in to the world.

    Rock on, Reg & Co.!
    Vulv

  • SG Aisatsana August 30, 2012, 1:22 am

    I am longing to spill my truth out from my heart like a waterfall, the rushing roar is delightful in sound and sight whether you watch from afar or get up close to catch the spray and watch the water droplets caught in the rush. I am longing to receive money for things I am good at and passionate about rather than for things I don’t care about and therefore am mediocre at best. I am longing to have my book project at a point where it can begin its journeys outside of my hands. I am longing for a space within myself where my desires are clear on a day to day basis and in my interactions with those close to me, where I do not feel apathetic about whether I kiss someone, where I have a loud truth that I desire to speak. I long for the clarity within myself that makes it easy to see where my truths are because I know that simply going with the flow rather than thinking for myself is not even an inkling of an option in this clarity.

  • T. L. Cooper August 30, 2012, 12:32 am

    “Actually, truth is waaaaaay more nice than ignorance.” – I am soooo glad you said this. This is the thing I think most people, women and men, alike don’t understand. One of the “nicest” people I have ever known in my life was also one of the most honest people I’ve ever known. This is a tough one for me, though, because I’ve always been described as blunt, but I know I’ve often been “nice” to keep the peace or to boost someone else’s ego or to soften the blow of a truth that needed said. I’ve held my tongue when I shouldn’t have. I’ve denied my truth to make someone else more comfortable. A few years ago though, after talking with some old friends, I realized I’d lost a valuable part of myself to being “nice”, and I went on a quest to regain my truth. That quest has resulted in some unexpected and painful costs, but it has also resulted in some incredible and wonderful rewards. The point is as I’ve stepped more into my truth and let my inner self shine, my truth is nice without the need to be ignorant or self sacrificing.

  • SG Hottie Heidi August 29, 2012, 12:32 pm

    Really looking forward to learning more about being “nice”; and more importantly how to “speak your truth in a way that takes EVERYONE higher.”

    VPBC here I come!!

  • janine August 29, 2012, 11:56 am

    you rock, Janine!

  • janine August 29, 2012, 11:45 am

    I’ve just returned to the United States after 2 years of speaking to women about Pussy and global sisterhood. Because I come in delectable chocolate, I was afforded intimacies that are not typically granted to white women who travel abroad. So if you are looking for Eat, Pray Love, stop here. I ain’t so nice…

    I rip this truth in devotion to members of this Sisterhood who are from the United States. Inside of the Womanly Arts we have been granted great power. My words are fierce. May you be ravished…

    We are seen as having a frivolous freedom, hypnotized by a hubris so busy being gluten free, fat free and calorie free that we don’t even stop to see that we are not eating food. That organic powdered power boosted freeze dried green super drink in your hand- is not food.

    This culture has become our vibrator, drunk on the din of electricity that runs through our ears as we read this, incessant beeping tweeting texting us to distraction, seducing our senses into a numbness that we cannot name. Roboticizing us into the lull of plasticized materialism that alters the way we move.

    Other women do not even trust the way we move. We dare send out advice on how to ground in global sisterhood, when our actual feet touch little ground- instead pavement, lacquered wood, carpets and subway floors.

    We are seen as confused. Contemplating and corporatizing mechanized motherhood rather than rooting in the maternal as a natural function of the Feminine Divine. We are seen as using these Arts frivolously, to get a new boyfriend or a raise-proliferating the patriarchy rather than abolishing it.

    I have silenced myself for fear of being massacred by pink ignorance. I have been sitting on my truth because it is a violent storm whose brunt I have bared alone for the last 2 years. It ultimately elevated me, as I desire as well for you- Pussy is the great Liberator.

    I was recently inspired to see that Regena’s blog on what she gave to the women of Africa was well attended, but when she wrote the second blog on what she received from the women of Africa, the responses soared.

    Perhaps the women of the USA so thirsty that they are ready to drink what the Sisters of the world are offering. Perhaps I will soften in my delivery of this truth. But for now, Kali is in my mouth.

    • SG Aisatsana August 30, 2012, 1:39 am

      mmm Kali, you speak beautifully. I deeply feel that western cultures blind and numb us, we are terrified of the natural, the divine, the feminine, the unknown. We went on a rampage to conquer the wilderness, conquer the native ecstatic celebrations, to conquer everything and anything unknown and pretend we knew how it works first through monotheistic religion and brute war force, and later through science and numbers. Now the natural world is rising up within us, everything that has been suppressed is aching to get out. We know that we need our goddessly feminine intuitions to guide us out of this mess. It seems to me the only thing we have to offer women with their bare feet planted in the earth is encouragement and support, giving them permission and courage to speak and act on their truths because sometimes we need this from the outside. As to using our womanly arts for the betterment of the planet, I get the strong feeling that the women in westernized civilized cultures have a lot to learn from our sisters less accustomed to technological luxuries and more accustomed to the whims of weather.

  • Rose Petals August 29, 2012, 5:47 am

    I am guilty of this ‘nice’ complex…..comes from wanting endorsement I believe!! Yes mentally I know it all…..and in my work in the pub I can be quite vocal but with my family and friends I tend to be nice and always thinking of others feelings. Not being ‘nice’ all the time I believe empowers me. Heres hoping to empower myself forever more……X

  • Elly August 29, 2012, 3:49 am

    Perfect timing Mama Gena! I spoke up for myself recently with my only sister, I have had to take a break from our relationship as I can no longer tolerate the way she abuses our relationship. As a counsellor I know exactly why she does what she does, as a Sister it hurts like hell and I deserve so much better than that. It is sad but since making the decision I feel freer than I have done in years. I had not realised how her bullying and need to control everyone and everything was weighing so heavily on me. I feel I have reclaimed some personal power and I am happy.

    When it comes to men however, I am not doing so well. I come from a mixed race background (American Indian/Irish). I stood up to some male ‘Elders’ and put forward the teachings of the Grandmothers I had learned from who so get it, I got shot down in flames, yet again. It happens every time I open my mouth. Yet I cannot let others think that the men alone hold wisdom, women hold wisdom too. What do I do?

    • Lola August 29, 2012, 7:40 am

      You do what you have to do to continue living your life. I too have had to discontinue my relationships with my two sisters who are not only controlling but negative; they only want to share in the negativity not in my joy. Two women who don’t like or trust women are not the kind of women I want in my life. Speaking up for oneself is refreshing and rejuvenating especially when you’re coming from a place of creative, healthy evolution and not from a place of fear of abandonment or loneliness.

  • SG HotChilli Birgit August 29, 2012, 3:39 am

    Mama, this is a big thing,
    I found for me it is so much easier to speak truth in general about environmental, social or what ever issues which are part of my truth but not the whole thing. The more close the relationship is to me, the harder it gets to speak out. I seem to have a massive being nice block in front of my own personal truth. There is exactly some of the fears you mention but also a feeling that my wishes are not so important. It took me a good while to push the fear and playing small aside at least a bit to start getting the taste how it can be to be me and not holding back. It is covered by fear, anger …. and a lot stuff I could not yet identify.

    • SG HotChilli Birgit August 29, 2012, 3:47 am

      … And, my beloved Sister Goddesses, that is only one thing why I take part in pleasure bootcamp, I want to break free of the self- and society made restrictions /boundaries holding me back. I worked for myself a lot and praise my self to have freed my self to some extent but I still hold back and what I love and much look forward is to get higher in a community to break free with a bunch of great women. I could drink millions of oceans of freedom, I am so thirsty for life!

  • Valerie August 29, 2012, 12:23 am

    Dear Regena,
    Im beyond words regarding “nice”. Its a shell of unspoken suppressed desires.
    Totally want out!!!!
    W/ gratitude & truth,
    SG Valerie

  • Elle Simone August 29, 2012, 12:01 am

    I am a victim of being “nice”. I’m sick of it. I motivate others, help them in anyway that I can. “Nice” has gotten me into a current issue I am dealing with now. My friends and family always ask or expect money from me. They know that I am in huge debt. They know because I complain about my burden called debt. My debt is as if I have bought a house! And I never have!!! I’m unemployed…looking for work and can’t find…they know that. I have an 8 year old…and unreliable partner that doesn’t really contribute and when she drinks…she drinks!(*Bimbo voice* But I love her….sometimes I wanna smack myself) Anyways, yeah, they know that. They know that I have to rent a room instead of renting an apartment…can’t live with my daughter because I don’t have the resources to find a place for my daughter and I… I barely can support myself…my finanical future is in shambles….can’t finish college because I can’t afford it… which in turn leads me to have low paying jobs due to not having a degree…can’t really sleep at night due to my finanical struggle…YEAH, THEY KNOW THAT! But you know what else they know…that I’m “NICE”!!! That I will stay shut and hand over the money. You knife what’s the best part…they say what they wanna say, when they wanna say it! They don’t have any problems expressing their true feelings….and here I am staying shut with my truths like a stupid *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* idiot !!!!!!! Get the *Bleep* outta here!!! I’m not liking “nice”.

    • Elle Simone August 29, 2012, 12:05 am

      *know … Auto correct…smh…

  • Lola August 28, 2012, 10:25 pm

    Nice is a four letter word. Nice says nothing. Nice gets you where you don’t want to be with someone doing something you don’t like because you want to be nice. Well, I got another four letter word. Love. I love being me more than being nice.

  • Genea August 28, 2012, 9:46 pm

    Screw nice! Adore this post! Thank you!

  • Kim August 28, 2012, 9:21 pm

    Hello Regena~
    Thanks for this beautiful blog. As you know- being the good girl is something I excel at and this summer has given me a chance to blow the lid off of that in my family. Its been incredibly powerful to stand for my worth, to use my voice to protect, nurture and value myself. Today was a day of raging in devastation for the loss of love in my life- that in being the good girl I missed out on dating, intimacy, energy, self expression. I’m tired of missing out on these life experiences, tired of talking about them, witnessing them but not experiencing them in my life. It felt to wonderful to get angry and to get real with my rage and the depth of my desires. It felt wonderful to scream, pound on the bed, to feel the feelings and the devastation. Thank you for opening my life up those feelings, to that self expression. And i love that I’m in this picture for this blog post, it seems incredibly apropots- and i didn’t recognize myself until another SG pointed it out! Thank you for helping me own my desires, my voice, my rage, my worth.
    with love,
    Kim

  • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR August 28, 2012, 7:36 pm

    YUCK is so right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It took me all day to respond to your brilliant blog post as I see this as my biggest problem/issue and some other women’s that I know!!!!!!!

    This is exactly how I was raised……..to NOT be like my angry, violent and miserable older sister so THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED, etc. ===== AS MY PARENT’S REPEATEDLY SAID TO ME………UGH

    I was the good girl
    I was the sweet one
    I was the one my father called his “peaches and cream”……. his “angel” and did I get lots of love and praise and validation for this VERY LIMITING and straightjacketing point of view. Everything in my family….. the messages are/were all black and white and so very very limiting

    Thank you mama gena for blowing the lid off of this HORRIBLE CURSE……..AND IT IS A HORRENDOUS CURSE. I, TOO, SEE IT EVERY DAY…… and still feel the guilt when i am angry, furious, etc……GUILT when I am anything but nice and sweet……double YUCK

    thanks a million for this post and see you at boot camp or creation course………whichever

    all brilliant and good

    I AM DETERMINED TO BLOW THE LID OFF OF ALL THIS……………………………SHIT

    fondly SG WARRIOR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

  • Male Advocate August 28, 2012, 7:21 pm

    When a man tells a woman something she doesn’t want to hear, what is he?
    A jerk!
    A male chauvenist pig!
    A guy who likes to emotionally, and perhaps physically, control women!

    • SG Aisatsana August 30, 2012, 1:54 am

      I do see that perspective played out in many ways, but from that same perspective when a woman tells a man something he doesn’t want to hear she and her opinion become devalued, she is shot down as efficiently and silently as possible to the point that sometimes it takes weeks for her to realized she was silenced.

      I am passionate about gender dynamics. I think that particularly in Mama Gena’s teachings and other groups advocating for women there is a risk to devalue men, or at least appear to.

      I think it all depends on how we speak and how we are heard. If a man and a woman have established good communication and the man tells the woman something she doesn’t want to hear there is a potential for it to be perceived as brave, kind, supportive, insightful, or simply a jumping point for a conversation. No matter the gender of who is bringing up an unwelcome perspective, it seems to me that if it is done from a heart space rather than from a place of attack or defense there is a potential for it to be a catalyst for change and depth rather than frustration or surface level name calling.

  • Laurie August 28, 2012, 3:47 pm

    My mama taught me to be nice – I am ready to be wild and crazy and grab the world and shake up “nice” into a whole different kind of being. So Mama bring on that boot camp cause I am going to learn to be so “not nice” – BAM

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR August 28, 2012, 7:37 pm

      SOUNDS FABULOUS…….. MAY SEE YOU THERE

  • Morgine August 28, 2012, 3:32 pm

    Dear Regena,

    I THANK YOU for Virtual Book Camp!!! It ROCKED My WORLD Big Time!! I knew about speaking up before, and yet Now I am no longer afraid to make PUBLIC that which I only shared with friends before! Employees should not be forced to work and stand all day on concrete floors! There are more humane ways to treat animals in shelters. Parenting children today requires new skills and not learning them will affect OUR entire future! We need more 5th Paradigm businesses based on what we love, our passions and not sacrifice. Being true to ourselves and building friendships not a client base. I don’t sell and serve, I source and always do what’s right and best for me and my clients/friends which might include saying no. I express myself through my own unique brilliance not following anyone else’s rules or processes! Instead of profit at any cost, I am for abundance for all! I am generous and open, create a team of self empowered source creators instead of employees! My work place sparkles and inspires me and my friends to work wonderfully! My business is a new magical adventure with more color and life to it now! I say NO to the status quo and follow my Heart into creating the New World I Want to live in today!! Hurray for us now “speaking our mind” and Living as the Love we truly Are each meant to be! Morgine

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR August 28, 2012, 7:41 pm

      YES! loved reading your post. Also, it’s very Gandhi like to be and createwhat you want to see in the world. BRAVO

    • SG Aisatsana August 30, 2012, 1:57 am

      oo delightful. where do you live?! sounds like being your employee would be lovely 😉

  • janine August 28, 2012, 3:17 pm

    wow. I just spring cleaned on this twice this morning.

    I am longing to spill my deepest truth with God. My desires. Instead I am playing nice with the Goddess, saying thank you, thank you, thank you like a good girl when I am thirsty for sooo much more….

    What happened to the two year old in me? When I was two and I asked my parents for a bannana split or for my preschool boyfriend to go get me a hot dog, it better get done. There was no editing the wild lash of my desires. I left any little boy who fell short of total devotion. I DID NOT say thank you when my parents came back with a one scoop cone.

    Have I trained myself out of my deepest lust in exchange for gratitude? Has ‘thank you’ become my nice girl line? A dangerous trick? A ruse keeping me from true intimacy with the Divine?

    Why can’t I talk to God like I actually AM, the raw desperately unsatiated mystical tempest with fuck you fury red eyes aglow…

    Fuck thank you. That’s my truth and I speak it to the Divine. Fuck gratitude when I ask for a yacht and end up in a paddleboat. Fuck saying thank you to men who take me to the Pakistani buffet when I want to go to Pakistan. Fuck appeciation for brilliant conjures that keep me just afloat. Fuck driftwood. I’m done saying thank you for one scoop. I want it all.

    • SG Aisatsana August 30, 2012, 2:13 am

      HA this makes me so happy! It sounds to me like you need a God of a man who can handle those raw fuck you fury red eyes 😉 I want it all too, I find this inspirational that you have the courage to say fuck gratitude when I end up with less than my wildest dreams – I am thoroughly trained for gratitude, and I think that sometimes being grateful for the little things can get in the way of making the bigger dreams happen, gratitude turned sour can be a way of becoming pacified with less. I wonder where that line is between gratitude as a way of settling and gratitude as a rich way to extract pleasure from any situation

  • Stella August 28, 2012, 2:54 pm

    Dear Mama,

    I spent a lot of time educating myself of speaking out my truth and expressing my feelings, especially my anger, (I tried hard to find it). Lately I started to be afraid again, because when I expressed my opinion in two cases, my two precious friends just “got away”. I think that they felt that I didn’t want to support them or I critisized them . I was confused, because I thought I did it with love. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to lose myself again (by being really nice).
    Love,
    Stella

  • Deborah Smith August 28, 2012, 2:51 pm

    Dear Mama G and Beautiful SGs,

    Thank you for all of the education and insight. I have been very “well schooled in NICE” and am aching for my up and coming VPBC to give me opening and tools to speak my truths in ways that to uplift us all.
    I have four current truths that I “want to spill.” Two are money issues, one with with my ex and the other with one of my offspring. The other two are about my deep grief and horror about the continuous of Female Genital Mutilation and the continuous rape of our magnificent planet.
    As to what I would say: I am crafting the words for the money issues, feel absolutely out of depth on the FGM issues and in deep grief over the destruction of our land, air and sea.
    I don’t think I see or feel anything that is totally unique, but I do believe that my deep love and respect for all things natural combined with my deeply playful nature is a big part of my “personal magic.”

    • regena August 28, 2012, 3:02 pm

      hey deborah-
      we are going to kick the doors open in vpbc!! can’t wait to have you in class!

  • MizzB August 28, 2012, 2:37 pm

    Thanks MamaG!
    That word “nice” is the Southern Belle “kiss of death.”
    When we Bellles use it in a response, “that’s nice,” it’s not what it seems. Means whatever it is maybe “nice” for someone somewhere, yet not for me at this moment. So this blog post has me in stitches, remembering how many times I have used that response in an attempt to “try to be ‘nice’,” all the while wondering “Whiskey Tango Hotel…” (what the H—).
    Keep up the great work, and thank you!

    • regena August 28, 2012, 3:01 pm

      personally, i am a fan of the whiskey tango farm!!

      • Kathleen August 28, 2012, 3:20 pm

        (Foxtrot, my dear)

  • Joanne Tombrakos August 28, 2012, 11:55 am

    Great post Regena and so true;)

    It took me a long while and many SWA classes before I started speaking the truth of who I was and putting those words out there in the world. I think I’m starting to get the hang of it;)

    Incensed over Todd Aiken, I was moved to write this blog last week on the Huffington Post. Back when I was worried about everyone liking me I would have been too scared to. Thanks for all you’ve done to get me here. xx
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joanne-tombrakos/todd-akin_b_1814607.html

  • Tara Dixon August 28, 2012, 11:42 am

    Oh….Regena…you KNOW this speaks to me.
    Thank you for giving the greatest gift through being my teacher:
    A metaphoric surf board.
    I guess you could say it’s my “truth.”
    I am a champion surfer thanks to you and your gift!
    I feel it beneath my feet every day as I “surf” the waves of life.
    It grounds me.
    I bend my knees and sink into it, steadying myself, in awe of the wonder all around.
    It’s interesting how “being nice” has no relevance to this surfing metaphor.
    Listening, being aware, being intune, reacting, balancing, enjoying…..all do apply.
    I thank you also for teaching me to “speak Up,” “use my voice,” “out myself,” and “ask for help.” Learning to no longer be silent has allowed sister goddess activism and a flow of love into my life that I never thought was possible.
    Thank you for shining light on the “nice” topic.
    I look forward to your post about what it looks like when everyone is taken higher.
    with LOVE-
    Tara

  • little jo August 28, 2012, 11:34 am

    I began to speak myself out as you never stop recommanding us, because I’ve already understood Mama knows better since you’ve been revealing me who I am and how beautiful our life can be, and this happened ‘just’ through reading your books and making some of your exercises — I do them all now 😉

    Well I must admit the truth part is a tricky one to achieve on the path of freedom from the male-made woman model that has to be nice-looking (another nice >.<) and shut up ('Sois belle et tais-toi'), which means don't even have any inner thoughts, for you're not welcome to express them anyway… less than a dog 🙁

    And even more difficult is to know my truth as it is emerging for me (I'm a new S.G.), but it gets more precise by the day, a bit as if I was looking at my cicumstances with a total new look… so I cannot wait to let it go and speak my gut truth.

    I have a dear friend (a guy) who is trying to divorce from a marriage that has never been happy on his side anyway, but he never said so, so his wife was totally flabbergested to hear he wanted to split after 30 years together with no threats. He began to quit his homeland to live in a country he litteraly hates (her country) but buying his wife's dreamhouse in the countryside 2 years ago (!) when he cannot stand going there. Even food-wise, he's accepting her ways not to be bothered and to avoid her bad moods. I recommanded him warmly to read your 3d book and begin to speak his truth as well.

    So I'm not sure it's only a woman's problem — even if I agree its much more acute, and that there is a real consipracy to weaken women, I think there is a HUGE communication problem between people (even girls with girls and guys with guys) and everyone tries to 'protect' his truth from being crashed or the other ones' sensibility/ego from being hurt, but why would that be? Personally, I've noticed that most of my fears were rootless, a pure invention of my mind projecting what I thought the reaction of the people would be (negative)… and now that I'm daring, it often turns out that there was absolutely no reason for me to lie or not to say the truth, and that the reaction is pleasantly welcoming my truth…

    Thank you for being such an inspiration, you definetely rock my world — p.s.: you were looking hot in that black lacy dress, Mamma mia! 😛

  • BSG Glitzy Cougar Karen August 28, 2012, 11:19 am

    I was one of the “nicest” women on the planet. I passed that onto my progeny, as you may have noticed:).
    Post divorce, when I did a heavy duty personal inventory on my spiritual path, I was shocked to find that my “nice” was not so “nice”. Why? I had zipped my lip so much in my life that my mouth had permanent duct tape over it and I was so full of internal combustion and resentment, I could have set a whole village aflame. My inner bitch was buried.
    In fact, when I finally found my truth and showed him the exit, his one genius comment was, “Well, you know, you weren’t perfect either. You were too low maintenance and not demanding enough.” Woah! Smack down. And you know what? He was right.

    And the rage? Ah, she lives. But now I spring clean, beat my bed, scribble it out in my journal, then speak my truth appropriately with “I” statements, so that it comes out gracefully (it never came out before). However, never having “bitched” anyone out, there is sometimes still a deep desire, especially with men, to scream, “what the F$%!!?
    Are you ever going to get it?” But as a fine man-training student, I am tempering that part of my inner bitch.

    • regena August 28, 2012, 11:29 am

      feeling you….xo

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR August 28, 2012, 7:52 pm

      LOVE THIS….. What you wrote resonates with my upbringing and way of being for years and years. I received so much love and approval for being sweet and nice…….YUCK…….but at such a cost. Thanks for your post.

      • MsSukree June 12, 2013, 5:53 pm

        Oh my,
        I am too nice too! I need to to b a little of a bitch! But sometimes it gets so bottled up when it comes out … Child run! But now I am learning to let it out Royally! lol
        I feel your story bec I think I am in the midst of a big reinvention in my life and my husband and I are … going through the motions! I love him and I hope we make it out stronger than we started. But at the end, I want to stand proud, confident and knowing who and what this woman that I am stand for and fight for it!

  • MosaicMuse August 28, 2012, 11:18 am

    Very interesting post, Mama Gena! After years of going between being nice (aka as Pollyana) and partying with my IB (aka Kali), when it comes to being a stand for myself, each of them serve their own purpose depending on the situation and the timing. Right now, I’m learning how to deal with the vulnerability of being so transparent after speaking my Truth.

    • regena August 28, 2012, 11:28 am

      that is a very new spot for women- and this sisterhood is the answer.

    • little jo August 28, 2012, 11:46 am

      not sure speaking the truth is making us more vulnerable, personally, I feel less confused —> much stronger! Especially because I know people have a notion of what I am about, eventually 😎

      But now I don’t feel more vulnerable either when I’m sharing my sexuality (showing my IB as you’re saying 😉 while even Betty Dodson says most people do, so I guess it’s all very individual at the end of the day…

  • Dee Anna August 28, 2012, 11:08 am

    I want to speak my truth to someone I’ve been dating. My fears have caused me to behave a certain way and now he’s pulled away. In speaking my truth, I know it will set me free but I’m scared of rejection, but today, I choose to be fearless and be rooted in my truth. Thank you so much for your blog today. In my morning prayer/meditation, I asked for a sign on how to proceed and your blog gave me the answer. Thank you!!!!

    • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR August 28, 2012, 7:46 pm

      SO COOL TO READ THIS……..BRAVO to you for having the courage to take such a risk…….

  • Dawn August 28, 2012, 11:04 am

    YES! Thank you, Mama Gena! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I’m having issue with one of the exact examples you mentioned. For too long I’ve been too shy to speak my truth for fear of rejection. I’m tired of being “nice” and I want to be honest and respected for it.

  • NightTrain August 28, 2012, 10:40 am

    I want to speak my truth, but I also see so much incivility. I see hurt feelings and defensiveness and retaliation. I see it with politics and religion and friends who make life choices which are true for the moment but cost them dearly for days, even years, to come. So much looks like torching the village to save it.

    • regena August 28, 2012, 11:27 am

      this is so good….thanks for bringing this ‘problem’ forward. i will get into this topic in another blog.
      (and one of the things i teach in vpbc is how to speak your truth in a way that takes EVERYONE higher. women are particularly skilled at this- but it must be cultivated.)

  • Melanie August 28, 2012, 9:58 am

    Yo, Regena–

    SO good this post is. Thank you for de-constructing the word ‘nice’ for the ladies of the internet at large. It turns my stomach, also.

    And for much of my life I’ve been called loud, aggressive, mouthy, the b-word (not worth writing out), and all other manner of ill-inspired things. Unless around those who were willing to hear the truth in what I was speaking. Granted, I speak much, so truth isn’t always the thing spilling from my mouth, but when I get up my gumption, there it is–pretty much unadulterated.

    And I thank you for writing it so plainly here, for us to be reminded of the value– and the power– of our truth.

    I had forgotten for a moment how important it was not only to me, but to the others around me to have that shot of clarity in the arm…

    Always loving the Revolution,
    Melanie.

  • Juli August 28, 2012, 9:54 am

    I LOVE this blog, especially the paragraph about Todd “legitimate rape” Akin. I have really been speaking my truth lately without worrying about being “nice”, in relationships that needed the truth spoken in them years ago (better late than never!) The results have been interesting and somewhat uncomfortable, but I know I am doing for myself what needs to be done. Thanks, Mama G!

  • dave rudbarg August 28, 2012, 9:51 am

    Totally agree. Nice people scare me because I know unexpressed anger is right below.
    Sharing on Twitter/Tumblir/Facebook….

    • regena August 28, 2012, 11:24 am

      thanks, dave! fantastic to hear from you.