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Why Is Dating So Hard?

There are millions of us out here.  Women who are between lovers, widowed, divorced, or just simply exploring the world of relationship.  Women who are longing for love.  Longing for sex, longing for intimacy.
Such beautiful longings.
And there are millions of men* out here.  Men who love women, men who love sex, men who long for intimacy, men who want to make women happy.
Beautiful, amazing men.
Sounds like it shouldn’t be that complicated.
Should just all work out like a dream, right?
Longing meets Longing and lives happily ever after in the land of fulfillment?
The ingredients are solid.
Hearts pure.

We are – each and every one of us – a delicious, hot woman (or man), wrapped in a package of disappointments, doubts, and yearning.
Like a tightly wrapped tamale.
If we are new to the game, we might be scared of getting hurt.
If we have had heartbreak, we might be scared of having another one.
If we have lost a beloved, we might be scared of losing again.
So how do you take this hot, piping package and set her up on the road to her next adventure in intimacy – in a way that allows her journey to be guided by her beauty, rather than her fear?
How does a woman move forward, heart open, with dazzling desire lighting her way and guiding her with confidence and style to getting what she wants with men?

There is a 3-part recipe that I am going to reveal to you, today, that works seamlessly for every woman, no matter how tightly her tamale is wrapped.
The first step is the warm-up.
Like any workout, we have to make sure you are feeling supple and ready, inside, before we begin.

  1. Grab my book, Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, and do the exercises in the chapter on The Womanly Art of Owning and Operating Men.
  2. Shop.  You know how you are when you shop.  You look in the window of a store and admire what they have.  Or you actually go into the store and pick up a purse or two and admire it, or maybe try on a dress that you think might work.  But often, we just leave a store and don’t buy anything.  Which is what I want for you, now.  Don’t date yet, just talk to men.  When you see a cute one, tell him.  When you are near a guy who could do something for you, like lift your bag into the overhead rack on a plane, ask him.  When you see one that seems fun, go say hello.  Don’t worry about his age, his appropriateness, we are just warming up.  Remember, no buying.  Shopping only.
  3. The final step is to make a desire list of experiences that you might like to have with a guy.  Think about where you might like to go, what you might like to do, what kinds of experiences you might like to have and write them down so that you can enjoy yourself imagining the wonderful adventures ahead for you.  Not to mention, you will be ready when he asks, “What would you like to do tonight, baby?”

You will notice that there is no dating in this blog on dating.
Nice, huh?
As you know, my darlings, everything truly delicious is a result of excellent planning and preparation.  In the comments below, let me know how this sits with you, where you are in your dating life, and then, how all this prep shakes out on your hot tamale this week.

With so much love and pleasure,
Mama Gena

P.S. The contents of last weekend’s Spring Mastery 2012 trip to Miami are too hot to divulge. If you’re a tamale ready to get untied, join us at the Worldwide Sister Goddess Weekend.

*For my sisters who love sisters, please read ‘partners’ or ‘hot women’ in that sentence. 

photo: lizlinder.com

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32 Comments / Leave a Comment

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  • ABSOLUTELY TRUE October 10, 2012, 2:50 pm

    dating women for me is very hard nowadays, since many women now seem to have an attitude problem. women today are not looking for men like they once did, and now that many of them have very high paying jobs, it is even more difficult finding one that can accept me for myself. years ago women had to accept a man for himself, since they were not making the money that many of them do today. with their attitude change now, many of them think that they are GOD’S gift to men. this certainly explains why our parents and grandparents met one another back then, since the times were much different than now.

  • avril May 22, 2012, 7:54 am

    So glad you said no dating involved. I like the analogy of shopping you made, and yet I am extremely turned off by shopping for a man via internet matching services. I don’t want to date just for the sake of dating, I think of boring awkward dinner with polite, forced laughter..but what I want is a man that can’t stop making me laugh no matter where we are together. Hopefully he’ll show up soon as I learn to greet the men around me.

  • BSG Deborah May 10, 2012, 10:31 pm

    I love, absolutely love, the idea of imagining adventures,-listing experiences -rather than the character traits we want in “Mr. Right”!!! That feels so liberating.
    Thank you SG Mama Gena!
    And by the way, THANK YOU so much for all of your incredible work and study and generosity .

  • tasha May 10, 2012, 1:52 pm

    this is big surprise to me!
    preplanned pleasures
    “Unexpected” list was always on my mind, how good my man will read my hidden desires, will tap on them, how I will discover real me together with him
    Must say -never worked, to my great disappointment
    It Never failed to upset me
    Now, Thank you! I will try this one – preplanned! How strange! And actually, how interesting! This exploration is going to be really a challenge, but I look forward to this!

  • Kim Whatley May 10, 2012, 10:10 am

    I spent part of my weekend in Miami talking to a few SGs about a man I truly adore. We really connected a few months ago but I “biffed” out and I think scared him away. SG Gigi (aka Jani) gave me some fabulous advice on how to better articulate my desire for this man. I think with all the chatter we conjourned him up. When I got back to work, I had a message from his assistant asking whether I she could use me as a reference for something she was working on my guy. She also mentioned how much he had on his plate because his mom was recoverning from a stroke. I decided to write the most delicious email I could think of to him. Here is what I wrote: “I have been thinking about you and know that you have alot on your plate as your mom rehabs. I know what all that entails. Please know that I am able to help out if you need it….I have the time and the interst in helping out if I can because you know I care about you. Just saying…. :). Much love, Kim.” Here is the response I received: Thx so much Kim! Mom is working very hard. Your offer is so lovingly thoughtful. I will seek your help. Much love, K—”

    I have also started a desires list on the experiences I would like to have with him. I am on page 3! What great advice from my SGs! I love this program. I am very excited about the future with the man I adore…..

  • Detox Diva Donna May 10, 2012, 9:00 am

    Thank you Mama Gena. I needed to be reminded! Men want to serve me! I am a Goddess!

  • Detox Diva Donna May 10, 2012, 8:59 am

    Thank you Mama Gena! I needed to be reminded again!

  • Barbara May 10, 2012, 3:31 am

    Update on my Personal Miami week with a younger man.

    His girlfriend has arrived, and I was stunned at how much she looks and acts like his ex-wife. When she put her hair up in pigtails, and I saw her from a distance, I thought the ex-wife had actually joined us. He has been so hurt. I guess it’s natural to try to replace the exact person that he lost.

    The Puritan voice in my head says that I look foolish in the situation. That it’s sad for me to be dreaming of a younger lover. Like I’m one of the Baldwin sisters reliving that first kiss with Ashley Longworth. Or as manipulative Mrs. Robinson. But my younger man is honestly attracted to me, in the here and now. He sees me for who I am.

    I can view this vacation as a Mama Gena experiment. But he is not making that kind of headway this week when he replaces his ex-wife with a clone. His greatest progress is his choice to try something different – with me. That’s the path of growth, where he’s being adventurous and healthy and realistic.

    I am his adventure. She is here as the ghost of someone else. Those old Baldwin sister / Mrs. Robinson stereotypes don’t hold up. And, yes he does continue to flirt with me since she has arrived. Mama Gena’s “pleasure research” prevails. Hallelujah!

  • Liliana May 10, 2012, 1:12 am

    Ahhh Mama, I love the idea of shopping at the MEN STORE – The Men Store is suddenly soooo abundant, limitless and everywhere goddesses desires to shop – This brilliant transformation happened for me in one single breath as YOU, Regena, just introduced the idea of fun instead of fear and on top of this declared the age issue to a non-parameter.
    Miraculously, from one desire or two on a piece of paper in Miami to a kiss, hugs, whispers and fine pussy pleasures the same evening – I am learning that self-love is first and that shopping without dating for the most desirable selection of men naturally follows; such awakening from a deep, long swamp of one brilliant courtesan. THANK YOU Regina for this remarkable post and your leadership role in Sisterhood of Goddesses! Much love.

  • julia May 9, 2012, 7:34 am

    OH! WONDERFULL , I JUST DATE FARAWAY GUY AND IT’S JUST TALKINGS, IT’S BEAUTIFULL AND FILL POWERFUL .AS I MISS THAT CHANCE TO MEET HIM, I’VE ALREADY FILL FULL OF PASION TO SPREAD THE NEWS ;;;;I’M IN LOVE TO ALL WOMAN OUT THERE WISH ALL CAN HERE FROM THIS WONDERFULL GIFT THAT BRINGS TO US BY MAMA GENA
    THANKS MAMA
    JULIA

  • Mali May 9, 2012, 3:15 am

    I’m interested in looking at getting to know a man from a place, an aura of mystery. I’ve been told that I say too much too soon. Okay, well its only my daughter who says that to me. he mystery I’m starting with is I don’t know how its supposed to go. Even if I’ve been on the planet a long time. I do know what I want and what I dream about having along the lines of pleasure and fun. Its really hard for me to ask a man to do anything for me. Taught long ago I should carry my own weight (when I used to go back packing with friends in Calif). Now I find I don’t like back packing nor do I live in Calif. Okay, I taking it on Mama Gena, starting from nothing. I am getting pleasure just imagining what I can put on that list for the sake of pleasure!

  • francine May 8, 2012, 10:47 pm

    Generally I am a shy person however , I do like shopping. So I decided to try out your suggestion in the subway on my way home. It was interesting to note how many men cute or otherwise were plugged into their ipods. Getting their attention is not easy. However, I did persist to look for those not wrapped in ear buds and I just responded with pleasure and delight in being human and alive. I imagined that Venus was seated in my mind. I was pleasantly surprised that even when I spoke to much younger men ,I go a positive response. What a lovely surprise.

    • mama gena May 9, 2012, 9:13 am

      francine- congratulations on breaking the earbud trance! lucky men!

  • Diane Sable May 8, 2012, 10:44 pm

    WOW! Right on it today! I’ve just begun to shop – joined Match.com and EHarmoney 2 months ago and I’m flirting and asking men out (even picked up a man at a stop light a few weeks ago!). It’s not easy to be alone and begin to put myself on the line for rejection – however in my “shopping” I’m recognizing what I DON’T want – which is helping me focus on what I DO WANT in my parnter. I am ” intending” and manifesting the love of my life — so be it and so it is!

  • Kate Goldsborough May 8, 2012, 10:36 pm

    Regena,
    This is so much fun.
    I have got a new lover! I was running out a door, he was walking in, and I was in my fun. After a kabam of high energy, we starting texting. Then hanging out having my favorite kind of date–decorating and fixing my place together. Nothing like a handy guy. But I am still shopping other guys and flirting my ass off . So not going into the old self doubt, and you know, he loves it when I say, “Thank you, it’s true,” when he pays me a compliment. I somehow don’t get into the expectations and weirdness anymore. When I feel fat before he comes over, I call a goddess who reminds me I’m a head turner and I insert that idea, and suddenly I am the most beautiful redhead alive. I think it and he believes it!
    I have learned so much. Thank you, Regena.

  • Sherrie Huckelberry May 8, 2012, 12:35 pm

    Thank you Mama Gena fo the practical tools to get my groove back on ! The art on flirting is truly a luxury that my world needs , to create balance. As a massage therapist it is easy to fall into the realm of energetic connection and forget about myself and the need to playfully explore relationships. Balance thur flirting. Sweet

  • gardendancer May 8, 2012, 12:29 pm

    What advice does Mama have for us “older marrieds” who want to “date” our partners? I yearn for more fun and intimacy inside my relationship, which seems to have retired when we did!

    • mama gena May 8, 2012, 9:01 pm

      love this q! i will put it in the future blog file!!!

  • Michaela May 8, 2012, 10:58 am

    thank you for this. prepping before is brilliant. I have been wearing my cloak of fear and doubt in the relationship that I have pulled myself out of. I never gave me a chance to be fully in my beauty and move from that place. I come first, and I’m grateful to be reminded of that. leaving weepy and inadequate and ready to stand in solid, sexy and sure.

    • mama gena May 8, 2012, 9:00 pm

      solid sexy and sure is so YOU, michaela!

  • SG Ti, Sugarbitch May 8, 2012, 10:43 am

    Ahhh, Mama, I have been a lazy girl. My sweetheart and I have been dating for nearly four years and I don’t have a desire list of experiences I’d like to share or have him create for me! I’ll be putting my list together, post haste. I’ll also be helping the men I meet in my life to learn how delicious it is to serve a woman. I’ve fallen down on that a bit, too. Perfect reminder. THANK YOU!!

  • Ellen Levin or SG WARRIOR May 8, 2012, 10:11 am

    Mama Gena

    This is JUST what I needed to hear today!…….. at JUST THE PERFECT TIME! I am having a hard time getting over someone emotionally (in fact, he’s taking me to court (I believe) just so he can see me. HA! Anyway, I’m not worried, yet it is painful to think of seeing him again. I have not seen him since january 2, 2012 and MUST APPEAR. YUCK.

    Thus, the idea of SHOPPING is perfect for me. It takes the pressure off of DATING. I actually began doing this last night at a music event I was at…. Got “hit on” a few times, talked and had fun with a sexy musician friend who was very physical/affectionate with me but know he’s married. (I don’t involve myself with married or “taken” men)……. however, however it felt great!

    A music friend I adore was also there. As he can’t seem to DO relationships, I just went straight to the bar, DID NOT LOOK FOR HIM, ordered some tap water and vietnamese rolls (yummy) and let him come over to me to tell me how hot I looked. His comment was that I look like Bob Dylan…… I love that and he knows I love it……. Then I walked out the door to leave and he ran over to speak with me and then kissed me on the cheek. It felt good but since we have been lovers a couple of times (and he is NOT relationship material) although he has some really fine qualities…… I am going to SHOP AROUND for someone more available emotionally, sexually, financially, etc

    Thanks Mama Gena……….. You’ve RADICALLY altered my life

    • mama gena May 8, 2012, 9:00 pm

      girl, you are giving up the fast food and becoming a gourmet!

  • Barbara May 8, 2012, 10:09 am

    This week is my own personal Mama Gena in Miami experience. I’m vacationing for a week with a man, a good friend I’ve known for 10 years, who is recently divorced, and 20 years younger than me. He’s been flirting with me since the divorce, and seemed to want a new kind of relationship with me. After we started our caravan drive with two cars (and his kids) down to a group house at a seaside resort, he told me that his new girlfriend was coming on the trip, arriving five days later. I was floored, he’d never mentioned he was seeing someone near where he lives – and I’d specifically asked about his other friends who were joining us. If I’d know ahead of time, I wouldn’t have come. At first I was upset, but thought about Mama Gena’s tools and have found a way to enjoy him and stay open to the “switch partners and dance” element of dating. The first night at dinner, he was feeding me chocolate cake from his spoon at Ruby Tuesdays’. The second night, he knocked on my door after everyone else had gone to bed and invited me, in my PJs to go out to the dark beach alone with him to take a look at the wildlife. The third day we were out on a day trip with the kids, and I found 3 attractive men to engage in fun conversations while still with my group. What a powerful Goddess training ground. Stay tuned – we are here till Saturday.

    • mama gena May 8, 2012, 8:58 pm

      barbara- you are knocking it out of the ballpark!! way to go, sister!!

  • Mary, Hawt Mama May 8, 2012, 9:55 am

    –falling even more in love with our sisterhood through the clarity of your words. YES, desire list of experiences….I can think of one that includes being swept back to Miami, an evening arrival, gorgeous upgrades, a beach walk, delicious dinner, dancing, soft music, amazing sex, sun & surf 🙂

    I’m not totally back from Miami yet, and that’s just perfect. Thank you, Mama.

  • IMPERATRIX May 8, 2012, 8:38 am

    SO TRUE REGENA!!! I LOVE THE BLOG

    NOTHING MORE EXQUISITE THAN RELISHING, DROP BY DROP, TASTE BY TASTE IN DELIBERATE PREPARATION OF THE SUBLIME

    YOU AMAZING CREATURE YOU….

  • BSG Glitzy Cougar Karen May 8, 2012, 8:04 am

    I totally needed this reminder today…I’ve been shopping, looking around, chatting them up, even asking for their help on occasion (woah, now THAT’s a new one), now it’s time to prepare the desire list of what I want to DO with them. I can think of a few things:)

  • Lola May 8, 2012, 7:25 am

    Take dancing lessons or attend dancing lessons at local cafes. Salsa dancing requires a partner. Dancing is intimate. Women can learn how to move with another without having to worry about STDs.